Another day in the life of Anon (Request)

Asked to use:
Sentient genitalia
Dinner by candlelight
Modern day hip-hop
Crystal meth


>Day who can count in Equestria
>You wake up and run to the bathroom
>You just make it on the toilet when your bowels release, sputtering shit all in the bowl
>You sigh in relief of not shitting your pants
>You finish your daily routine and go downstairs for breakfast
>Before you can pour out some of your favorite cereal a vibration rocks your house
DAMNIT!
>You just happen to live right next to Vinyl
>She's a nice mare and all, but she wakes up every morning to these awfully loud 'wubs' as she calls them
>They rock the foundation of both of your houses
>You don't know how her room mate Octavia hasn't killed her yet
>You open your door and go over to her house to give her a piece of your mind
>You knock on her door and Octavia answers looking stressed and tired
>She nods at you and you walk inside
>You go upstairs and see Vinyl playing an air guitar to wubs
>You unplug the speakers
Guitars can't even make those sounds.
>She glares at you
>"Hey! Who do you think you are coming in to my house and turning off MY music?!"
A neighbor of yours that's slowly going deaf from these awful noises!
>She stops looking angry
>"Oh. You should have said so. I can put something else on if you like..."
ANYTHING PLEASE.
>"Okay. I promise to not play that anymore."
>You shake hoof and hand and then you leave her house
>The instant your foot exits the house there are trembles again
>No wubs this time, but still loud as shit
>You walk back in
>You try to talk to her over the music
Hey!
>No response just more ignorant music playing
>"A snitch zigga that's that hay I don't like!"
>You open her door
HEY!
>She has her head right next to the speakers
>"A bitch zigga that's that hay I don't like!"
>You rip out the speaker plugs again
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
>She looks at you
>"You said not to play that music anymore. So I played something else!"
>You resist the urge to strangle her
That isn't music!
>"It's modern day hip-hop! Get with it or get lost."
>You storm out furiously
>You pass Octavia who has her head on the table crying
>Poor girl
>You leave and head for Twilight's place
>She said for you to come to her when you're angry so she can be your sort of...therapist
>She doesn't really trust that you're friendly just yet
>You arrive and are about to knock on the door when you hear shuffling and Spike talking with Twilight
>You ninja this shit and sneak to the window to look in
>There are tons of different tubes and vials and Twilight is mixing something
>S: "What are we cooking again? It doesn't look like food."
>TS: "Crystal Meth. This'll keep you energized for sure..."
>S: "What?"
>TS: "All you have to do is smoke it from this."
>She pushes something glass in front of her
>S: "Oh so it's like hitting a bong?"
>TS: "Yeah. Wait how do you know that?"
>S: "I'm a dragon. I breath fire all day everyday!"
>He laughs to himself at his terrible joke
>You facepalm
>Twilight then moves closer to him with the glass pipe
>TS: "Okay just inhale..."
>He does and it makes a bubbly sound
>Why are you just standing here not doing anything?! Twilight is giving a baby dragon drugs!
>Wait a minute. It's a unicorn giving a dragon drugs. This is not in your realm of fuck giving
>You knock on the door after another hit is taken
>Suddenly it is quiet
>TS: "Maybe if we're quiet he won't know..."
I can hear you.
>There is a lot of clanking noises and a shatter of glass
>Then the door slowly opens
>TS: "H-hey Anon...what?"
You said I could come in and talk to you if I was feeling angry...
>TS: "Oh right! Um...come in."
>You walk in and sit on a chair
>TS: "Just stay right there I'll get my quill with ink."
>She levitates her stuff to her and puts glasses on like a therapist
>Then you see her horn glow bright
What are you doi-
>You are cut off by a beam of light that hits your dick
>It feels fuzzy and then you loose feeling in it
TWILIGHT WHAT DID YOU DO?!
>She snaps out of a trance she had with a window
>"What?"
FUCK YOU!
>You storm out of there
>Fuck why is everything pissing you off today
>"Well maybe if you washed more often things would go better for you."
>You do a 360
Who said that?
>"Me."
>You look around again
Where are you?
>"In your pants obviously."
>You look down and see a bulge in your pants
>Not bonerfied but close
>It moves when you hear the voice
>"Can you let me see some light? It's dark and hairy in here."
ARE YOU MY PENIS?!
>"AM I YOUR PENIS?!"
>You and your sentient penis scream at this fact for a good couple of minutes
>"Dude...unzip your fly..."
I'm not doing that!
>"Fine then be a faggot!"
>It is silent
So um...what's your name?
>"John. Long John."
Really?
>"No you fucktard, its Robert."
Geez you asshole.
>Rob pokes at your pants zipper
NO.
>There is a tap on your side
>You look and see Fluttershy
>"H-hey Anon I n-noticed you t-talking to yourself...are y-you okay?"
I have no idea Fluttershy. I'm having a bad day.
>"W-would you like to go out to an early dinner with me?"
DINNER WITH MY RAPIST?...actually that sounds decent compared to today...
>"Well c-come on I already reserved a place for us!"
>She drags you to a fancy resturaunt in minutes
Fluttershy...this place is pretty high class...
>Rob: "Yeah for a faggot who doesn't even let his penis see daylight..."
>"What was that Anon?"
>You punch Rob
Oh nothing!
>She looks at you strangely and then the waiter pony guides you to your candle lit table
>You sit down and admire the scenery
This is a really nice place Fluttershy...
>"You think so? Is um...nice places your fetish?"
What? That doesn't even make sense.
>"M-maybe you get t-turned on and want to p-pound your h-hot monkey dick in me..."
>She looks off at nothing and begins drooling
>Rob: "From the sound of this, you should probably leave."
I agree.
>You leave Fluttershy in a drooling lustful stupor and go home
>You ignore the awful music playing and have a true candlelight dinner with your new best friend Robert
>He's a pretty cool dude
>Today was an exceptionally strange day