I'm On A Boat (Challenge No.24 entry)

Mountain_Man, May 2, 2013; 18:31 / FB 10612
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>Be on the best vacation of your life.
>After saving for years, you finally had enough for an around-the-world cruise
>ImOnABoat.wav
>Everything's the best of whatever thing it is in the world.
>5-star (boat) restaurants
>World-class (boat) spa
> Etc.
>Only problem.
>Fluffy ponies fucking everywhere.
>Seriously, who brings their fluffy on a fucking boat?
>Amazed at how few drownings there have been so far.
>Normally, you don't mind fluffies.
>Kinda cute, moderately annoying.
>But looking at the jet-set crowd around you, you just know they paid for a stateroom just for their hairballs.
>Damn right you're jelly.
>But as long as you can get away from them, you can pretty easily imagine your vacation as a fluffy-free one.

TIME PASSES

>Wake up in the middle of the night to alarms blaring.
>Lights flash, and outside you hear hurried footsteps.
>Announcement comes through the P.A. System.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please report to your assigned lifeboats. This is not a drill."

>Fuck exposition, you need to get out of here. Now.
>Now, you're no Steve Jobs.
>You originally wondered how you got these tickets so cheap. Now you know.
>Three hours later, you find yourself... in a rubber life raft... with about 20 fluffy ponies.
>As your raft drifts away from the ship, you imagine all the Titanic jokes you could be making. But you don't want Poseidon to trident your ass so you hold them in.
>Try to ignore the choruses of "Wawa bad fow fwuffy" and "Waa scawy" and "Why dawk?" from the raft around you.
>It's gonna be a looooong night.

DAYS LATER

>Ok, Good news, bad news time.
>Good news: emergency food rations in the raft are very well stocked.
>MREs. Fuck yeah!
>Even a few packages of spaghetti for the fluffies to share.
>They always complain "Tummy huwties. Can haf moh pwease?"
>Tough shit, sweet heart. We all got problems here.
>Bad news: as good as food rations are, water rations are distinctly lacking.
>Two bottles, and you drank the last drop this morning.
>You don't exactly wanna be a Bear Grylls here, but if you gots ta drink your own piss you might gots ta drink your own piss.
>You're not thirsty right now, but at least you still have these bottles.
>"Daddeh, fwuffy fiwsty. Nee mo' wawas, pwease"
>Right. These fucks.
>Who ever thought this would be a good idea.
>Dumbass HasBio
>Making fucking ponies
>Like fucking children
>Covered in all this fucking...
>Wait...
>Idea.png
>Why the fuck not. You're gonna drink your own piss anyway, might as well.
>Grab the nearest fluffy, and start tearing out fistfulls of fluff.
>It complains, but all your givin' fucks went down with the ship.
>You know they die without fluff, and you're no monster. So you just take a fistful from each of the fluffies.
>"Why munsta take fwuff? No fwuff bad fow fwuffies!"
>Or some shit. You're not listening anymore.
>Stuff the fluff into one of the bottles.
>Ready
>Aim
>FIRE!

*psssssssssssss*

>Man, that piss was a long time coming. Almost filled the bottle.
>Swirl it around, really shake the fluff-and-piss mixture up.
>Pour from one bottle into the other, and...
>Huh. It looks... cleaner.
>"Ew! Munsta dwink pee pees!" one of the fluffies wo isn't crying about his lost fluff shouts.
>Moment of truth.
>...huh. Crisp, clean water.
>You can hardly believe it.
>Fluffy fluff: surprisingly good water filter.

>Days later, the Navy finally rescues you and the fluffies. Evidently, yours was the only raft that didn't get adequate rations.
>They're shocked you survived like this.
>Tell no-one how you managed it.
>When you return home, you adopt a fluffy, harvest its fluff, and start your own business.
>Outdoorsmen around the world now carry one of your filtration systems.
>Billions of dollars.