My Best One Shots Yet!!! (april one shots)

(Even more one shits, written throughout April of 2015. Most of them seem to be Ponemom, from what I can tell at a quick glance anyway. I can't be too sure, they're really hard for me to read without cringing.)

***

Here it is, my biggest one shot collection yet.
And with some of my best work too!

>What is a mother?
>You looked at the pony now and asked the question as she dusted the shelves in her library.
>She used magic to manipulate the duster.
>Your forehead was smooth and alien.
>She raised you.
>That's what you tell yourself when you get these thoughts.
>That pony raised you.
>Spent sixteen years of her life.
>She fed you.
>Gave you a bed.
>Made sure you got an education.
>... loved you.
>Even though you were you.
>Gangly bald and now moody.
>Royalty.
>She has read every book in her library.
>It makes up three rooms in the castle.
>All those books; all that knowledge.
>You don't exist in those books.
>You will.
>Will they say that you're her son?
>Or will they simply say she raised you?
>You look at the definition again.
Mothers are females who inhabit or perform the role of bearing some relation to their children, who may or may not be their biological offspring.
>May or may not be biological offspring.
>It should comfort you.
>But it also says they inhabit or perform the role.
>You watch as she stops dusting and picks up a piece of paper and begins writing in it.
>She looks over at you and smiles.
>Then she starts writing again.
>Performs.
>She couldn't just be performing a role.
>Could she?
>All these years.
>She looks at you again and begins writing.
>What is she writing?
>No.
>That's impossible.
>You need to stop thinking like this.
>And you will.
>You get up and approach her.
"What are you writing?"
>She shows you a column made of tiny boxes.
>"Nothing, this is just a checklist of chores that need to be done today."
>She smirks and points to a mop in the corner.
>"Get started."
>You groan and dip the threads in the cool water.
>All without a second thought.
>"I'll go make us some snacks, don't stop until this floor is spotless."
>You nod and she trots away, "thank you for helping out, Anon."
>A sloppy wet sound is heard as the two collide; in different times, one now and one later.
>A kiss and a mop.
>The scholars really need to see this.

>Be Anon.
>Twilight Sparkle is yer mum.
>She wants you to study all the time and shit but dats fuckin' lame.
>You gotta fight for your right to party.
>Write a letter to Celestia saying that Twimom doesn't celebrate the birthdays of her friends.
>Dumb ass princess believes it.
>Mom leaves to go to Canterlot for a "super important meeting with the princess".
>Oh yiss.
>Call up all your friends.
>Get the fuckin' board out.
>Twenty sided dice nigga.
>Fly by Night with Mountain Dew.
>Dungeons and Dragon all fucking night with your bros.
>You all sleep in the same bed and call each other fags and titter all night.
"Ur so gay, Featherweight."
>"Ur the one kneading my balls like a fag."
"Only cause ur a fag."
>Everyone laughs at your hilarious joke.
>Wake up and get some quick D&D playin' out before your shift at Target.
>Twimom trots in looking all pissed off.
>She kicks you out of the DM chair and resumes her spot as DM.
>She creates a gay elf character for you.
>Now all your friends think you're gay.
>A hill giant fondles your balls.
>Twimom and all your friends laugh at you.
>This is bullshit.
>You aren't gay.
>Eat your twenty sided dice and run out cause you're late and seniors at Target need their coffee and pretzels.
>Write about the experience later but change the characters to MLH characters so it's relevant.
>Your writing is still shit so nobody cares.
>At least seniors don't yell at you about your hair anymore since you got it cut.

“Psssst… hey.”
>….
“Yeah, you silly.”
>Me?
“That’s right.”
>What is?
“You’re Twimom, right?”
>Um…
“Oh my gosh I knew it! Hi there, I’m Pinkie Pie. What’s your name?”
>What?
“Twimom?! Oh wow, I just met a Twimom like three lines ago! Do you two know each other?”
>”Mom.”
“Hang on a second Nonny, I need to see if there’s more Twimom’s around.”
>I don’t.
>”Mom.”
“Is there some kind of Twimom convention?”
>I…
>”Mom.”
“Or a party?!”
>Don’t…
>”Mom!”
“What is it, Nonny?”
>”Aren’t you gonna tell the story? That’s what he’s waiting for.”
“You’re right. No time to for fun and games, not even if it’s Candyland…”
>”Mom, you’re drooling in front of our guest.”
“Played with chocolate chips instead of game pieces.”
>You clear your throat.
>”Snap out of it.”
“Sorry, got too much cocoa in my loco for a sec there.”
>”You ready?”
“Yeppers, just gotta think of where to start.”
>Still not sure what to make of this.
“Oh, I know! Alright, I was born on a Tuesday.”
>”I think we’re gonna need the abridged version mom.”
“Seriously? I had puppets and fireworks and everything though.”
>”Are the puppets flame retardant?”
“Well…”
>”Remember what happened last time?”
“Okay, the abridged version then.”
>No puppets?
>That’s a bummer.
“This is the marvelous and epic story of my extremely esoteric and immensely infallible, Gummy.”
>”He’s our pet alligator.”
“I first found Gummy reading beat poetry to a crowd of bohemians in the east side of Manehattan.”
“He was the definition of cool, hip, jive, groovy, and funky (when the mood strikes him), and I knew all that from the moment he let me try on his beret, and when he let me drink coffee from the same cup as him.”
“I mean, nopony before had ever let me have any coffee before.”
>Wonder why?
“And boy, I went even more loco cocoa than usual. I was bouncing off the walls, and the walls of the walls, and I was reborn to be the greatest Pinker Thinker in that scene man.”
>Where did that beret she’s wearing come from?
>”Yeah, you gotta keep an eye on her. She’ll surprise you if you don’t.”
>How did you?
>”Listen to the story.”
“But then the war came, and Gummy got drafted.
>What the fuck.
“We had to flee to the land where they make maple syrup.”
>Canada.
“Yeah, Candy Land!”
>Canadyland.
“Let me get the box and show you!”
>”No, don’t get distracted mom.”
“Oh alright, where was I?”
>”You found Gummy’s egg at the rock farm and were surprised to find a green scaled chicken had come out.”
“Thanks, Nonny. Anyway, I took Gummy to pa and asked if we could keep him. And he said, ‘I don’t know Pinkamena, an alligator is a lot of work.”
“Then mom said, ‘are you sure you can handle the responsibility, Pinkie?’ So I said, ‘Maud could teach me how to take good care of my new pet,’ since she has a pet rock named Boulder.”
>”Ma.”
“Abridged version, got it. Well, they said I could keep him. Shortly after that I moved out and got a job with the Cake’s. And then, a couple years later, I found another odd chicken.”
>You?
>”Yep.”
“So, I suppose I should tell you a bit about Gummy now. For one, he’s a great dancer, and one of the greatest thinkers of our time.
>Wait, I thought-
“He’s also really big now, like the size of a canoe.”
>There’s a full grown alligator running around here?!
>”There he is.”
>I’m out!
“Aw, don’t go yet. Say hi to Gummy at least.”
>He’s huge!
“He’s smiling, that means he likes you.”
>That means he sees his lunch.
“No, I’m pretty sure that means he likes you.”
>He’s hissing at me.
“That’s his happy hiss.”
>Yeah, cause he found dinner.
>”Calm down dude, Gummy won’t hurt you.”
>What makes you so sure?
>”Well, he might gum you up a bit. But he won’t eat you.”
“Eat? Gummy’s a vegan.”
>What?
“I know, that means he doesn’t eat cake anymore. I mean, can you imagine a life without cake?”
>The alligator is eating your son.
>”No, he’s just got my arm down his throat. Gummy likes to get the top of his throat scratched.”
>Get your arm out of there before you lose it.
>”Gummy, let’s do this later, we’re making our guest uncomfortable.”
“What?! Do you need a pillow? Or how about some cookies, let me go get-“
>”No Candy Land ma.”
“Shoot.”
>”Sorry mom.”
“It’s okay.”
>”But you know how you’ll get if we start playing Candy Land.”
“I know.”
>Excuse me, but-
“You’re excused.”
>No, I mean-
>Oh my god!
>”Calm down.”
>But that alligator-
>”That’s how he hugs.”
>For Christ’s sake son, he’s got her head and shoulders in his mouth.
“It’s stinky in here; you need to start using your mouthwash again, Gummy.”
>”He won’t eat her.”
>How can you-
>God lord!
>”You’re exciting him.”
>He’s shaking your mother around like a rag doll!
“Yaaaaahoooooooooooooooooooo!!!”
>”She’s fine.”
“Faster! Faster!”
>I never should’ve let you other pony mom’s in here, you’re all insane!
>”Are you leaving?”
>Yes!
>…
>”Twimom left mom.”
“Really? Well, I hope he comes back soon.”
>…
“Can we play Candy Land now?”

>"Oh come on, Twilight! That band is for depressed eggheads! Why can't we go see Linkin Park instead?"
>"No! We're going to see Radiohead. I booked the tickets months in advance, and we're not trading them away. Anon, you agree with me, right?"
>You rub your temples.
"Alright, let me see the tickets girls."
>Rainbow and Twilight give each other questioning looks.
"Now!"
>They both jump and give you the tickets.
>You stare at them for a while and wonder which one to start with.
>Might as well grab the low hanging fruit you guess.
"Dash."
>You hold her gaze.
>And rip the three tickets right in front of her.
>"Anon why'd you do that?!"
>Meanwhile Twilight is trying really hard to stifle her glee.
"Dash Linkin Park is one of the most horribly lazy and uncreative rock bands that has ever existed. They turned the classic element of teenage angst into the equivalent of fast food, and found a way to shit all over the pioneers of both rock and hip hop music simultaneously."
>Dash sneers, "who gives a flying fu-"
>You then tear up Twilight's three Radiohead tickets and Dash and Twilight both gasp.
>"Anon what the heck?!"
>"Now we can't go to either concert."
"Good they were both awful anyway. Twilight, Radiohead is a band full of pseudo artists who write intentionally vague lyrics to appear deep, and jump on bandwagons to try and appear relevant with whatever is going on at the time, only to come off as lost dinosaurs trying desperately to sell tickets to some of the most boring live shows imaginable."
>"Anon what's your problem?"
>"I thought you liked Radiohead."
>You pull out three tickets of your own.
"We're gonna go see a real artist and have a grand, yet stimulating, experience."
>Dash huffs, "you owe me over two hundred bits for ripping up those tickets, Anon."
"Whatever."
>"Well, who are we seeing?"
>You smile.
"Tim Buckley."
>...
>Dash sneers, "you tore up Linkin Park tickets for that?"
"You've never even heard his music."
>"No I haven't."
>Dash flew away before you could respond.
>Fucking fruity pebble bitch.
"Looks like it'll be me you and me, Twilight."
>Twilight raises and eyebrow.
>"Anon, you do know that Tim Buckley has been dead for over thirty years right?"
>You laugh and she looks offended.
>God she's dumb.
"Of course I do book horse. We're gonna go see a hologram version of him."
>...
>"What?"
"It's almost like he's really there, it'll be great."
>...
>"I'm out of here."
"No, wait! I saw it on pony youtube, it was really cool!"
>"You owe me over three hundred bits by the way."

>Love keep me warm keep me satisfied.
>Keep me calm keep me pacified.
>Your head in your hands and your heart in your stomach.
>The train leaves tonight.
>But classic Anon, on the edge of your bed.
>You don't have the nerve.
>Just like those parties you never went to.
>Or those girls you never asked out.
>You're alone in your room again.
>Anxiety makes your breath loud and heavy as the moon signals you to leave.
>But love keeps you warm.
>And the night air is expected to be cold.
>Is that really all there is to it?
>You think of the purple pony asleep in the room down the hall.
>The one who loves you.
>In a world that doesn't.
>A world you wanted to explore.
>Keep me satisfied.
>You fling your suitcase against the wall and the latch snaps off and your clothes scatter over the floor after gently floating down.
>The thud lasts seconds to all but you.
>One day you'll get a job.
>And a place in town.
>Everypony will grow accustomed to you.
>Just like she has after these years.
>And she loves you.
>You go to bed unsatisfied.

>It’s all coming down around you.
>You peer over your shoulder and look at the wooden door hidden in the farthest reaches of the cavern.
>You’d lose all of it.
>The stories of kings and queens and empires falling into blocks of text in a book.
>A small blurb in a book; all we are.
>The roars and cries of thousands of voices had been reduced to that of an occasional bump in the night.
>And they were muffled at that.
>You ignored them, though you hate to admit that.
>The ripping of energy sounded above you and the earth was hit and you heard the rocks shift and crack.
>Unicorn magic; and the dirt from the top of the cave poured down like sand in an hourglass.
>There was a great battle for your kingdom, and you knew how it would end before it did.
>The lanterns set along the walls of the cave were being extinguished as you looked down the hall where the entrance was.
>A buzzing noise came to you; the sound of a million beats of a pair of thin wings that could only belong to one.
>It was official then.
>The general extinguished the last flame in the hall and now only the oval shaped room you resided in was lit.
>Your kingdom.
>The general bows and you almost berate him for it.
>”My queen, it does not look as though we will make it out of this battle with our army intact.”
>He keeps his head down, maybe waiting for you to say something.
>”I take full responsibility.”
>His black body shivers and he rises and stares into you with enormous blue eyes; the color of sympathy.
“Don’t.”
>He watches you intently as you pace.
“We have fought hard and admirably, but it is over now.”
>Another tremor and the dirt shifts and some of it falls onto your head.
“Mother was right after all.”
>The young general listens like an outsider.
“The changeling kingdom, my kingdom, will soon be gone.”
>You motion for the general to follow you as you head towards the door.
>When you found out that you would bear no children mother always told you that you’d be the death of the kingdom.
>Father stayed positive and told you to choose the successor wisely.
>You were the cause of many arguments once.
>The door opens with its usual squeak and the sound of an infant wailing can be heard.
>You lift away the green bubble and approach the infant.
>A strange creature it is indeed and you marvel at it whenever you see it.
>Bald, tiny eyes, soft claws, a circle in its stomach, a mix of teeth and fangs.
>You shush the baby and it listens to you and hums when it sees you.
“Do not cry little one,” you draw near and it smiles, “after all you are of innocence and naivety.”
>You kiss its smooth forehead and it laughs.
“Your love is stronger that way, and you will know of its importance when you rule one day.”
>Already you can feel your body being rejuvenated by the young creatures love.
>The general stares at you without judgment.
“This is may be the last time I see you, so listen to my desires well and make them yours.”
>He bows again and for a brief moment you wonder if this will happen again.
>The blasts sound so close now.
>They have probably found your chamber.
“You are no longer a general of my army, but a soldier of my will, a guard of the future of us all.”
>You lift the basket containing the infant and place it near him on the ground.
“Take this infant with you; raise it as your own, for he is to be the new king.”
>The baby laughs again and your gaze shifts away from the general for a second.
>Such strong grasps at falling dirt.
“You will go into hiding and gather any survivors you can find. They will be cowards, but they are all we have now.”
>”I don’t want to flee my queen, please-“
“Quiet! These are orders general!”
>He puts his head down again and flees from all he knows.
“The second kingdom shall be created with you general…”
>You will be the death of the kingdom.
>It all seems to fall in on you then.
>”I will not fail you.”
>The general takes his dusty battered armor off and grabs the basket.
“Wait.”
>The sound of hoof steps and wings can be heard down the hall and the general shakes his head.
>”We should really leave now my queen.”
>Oh that foolish young one.
>You approach the basket and gaze at the infant once more.
>It reaches out to you and you let its soft and tiny claws feel your cheek.
>Though it pains you to do so you shut your eyes and focus.
>You must take all the love you can without harming it.
>The infant coos as you feel a spiral of energy swirl into your chest.
>A jutting feeling forms into your forehead and your horn begins beating.
>Your eyes open and the general gasps and turns away.
>Slowly you face him.
“Do you see now that this infant is indeed a powerful ally?”
>The general shakes.
>”Why have you collected that energy?”
>Your heartbeat can be felt all over your body as the energy pulses in your blood.
>”Are you planning on…”
“General, take the infant and leave through the hidden passage in these chambers.”
>You lean down once more to face the infant.
>It stares at you with wonder.
“Goodbye, little king.”
>”Aren’t you coming with us?”
“No, the kingdom is gone, and so must go the queen.”
>”But that’s insanity. Surely you-“
“I can leave with you, and you’d keep me safe and hidden. No, it will not pass.”
>The general grabs the basket and you follow the lineage of your kingdom until it disappears behind a wooden door hidden in the farthest reaches of the cavern.
>You have done what both the king and queen wished of you.
>And the general has done the same to your knowledge.
>History does repeat itself.
>The predictions of the queen came true.
>But you are the queen now, even if only for a little longer.
>The torches down the hall are being lit again and a hundred voices are blaring.
>But all you can hear is the sound of the king crying as he flees his kingdom.
>And heads towards his future.
>You swiftly fly into the hall and look at the entrance one last time.
>Your horn glows a vibrant green and you roar as you emit an enormous blast of pure energy and direct it into the walls above the hall.
>There is a big split and a crashing as you hear two weakened sides shift and crumble down and disappear behind dust.
>It clears and the hall is sealed off now.
>You have done a lot for the king.
>But it doesn’t feel like enough.
>His mother will now spend the rest of her life in Tartarus without his knowledge of it.
>So many mistakes.
>But nothing you did stopped the world.
>And if there’s a world.
>Then there will be a king.

>"Please take that ghastly thing off when you're talking to me."
>You shake your head and tug on the strings of your surgical mask.
"Just take the antihistamine mom."
>Your mom blows her nose and readjusts herself on the bed.
>"I am not sick Anonymous, therefore I do not need any drugs in my body."
"You can't go to the Crystal Empire with a cold Miss Fusswhinny."
>"Must you insist on the nicknames."
"I just-"
>She starts hacking and coughing loudly; the phlegm in her throat still frozen as she breathes haggard.
>You let the air stay dead after she stops and sniffles a bit.
"Mom?"
>"What is it, Anonymous?"
"You're sick."
>She turns on her side and shows you her back.
"I'm going to get you a glass of water so you can take your pill."
>"I already have a glass."
"Yes," you pick it up by the skin on your index finger and thumb. "But you coughed all over it."
>She grumbles and grabs another tissue to blow her nose.
>"Get me another pillow please."
"Are you sure? That's five now."
>"I have allergies."
>Is that leeway she's giving you?
"Would you like me to get you your allergy medicine?"
>"No, I-"
>Another coughing fit happens and she turns to you with her mouth closed.
>She points to the water cup and you give it to her.
>She spits an enormous yellow loogie into the liquid and swims around a bit like some kind of phlegm eel.
>You reluctantly take it back when she gives it to you.
>"Some water and more pillows please, and my," she rolls her eyes and sighs, "allergy medicine."

(Frostybox wrote all of Incognito's parts)

Don't fukin test me m8 swer on me mum, I'll write alternate storylines based on your mompone too. Then we'll see who the nerd really is you nerd.
"Mom, get the tits in here!"
>"We have told you time and time again Anonymous to cease the toilet mouth!"
"But mom, some faggot on the internet called me a nerd!"
>"What thine fuck!"
"Look."
>Her eyes scan the computer a while, and slowly her brow furrows.
>"Who does this whelp think he is?"
"I dunno lol."
>"No meme speak in the house!"
"Alright... sheesh."
>"Move over," she pushes you out of the way before giving you a chance to respond."
>"Let us show you how it's done son."
>A devilish smile forms on her lips as she cracks her neck.
>"No u!"
>She slams her hooves on the keyboard and it shatters into a million pieces.
>The room falls quiet.
>Your mom just stares at the chunks of shattered plastic that now litter the desk.
>A small blush creeps on her face; you don't know how you can see that over her coat.
>A guard walks past and blows some air out his mouth.
>You shut the door.
>The silence remains.
>"We have been served."
>...
"What is this fucking two thousand six?"
>"Come Anonymous!"
>Her magic pulls you by the shirt collar and you both run into the hall; one frantic, the other confused.
>You just lean back and let your mom carry you with her magic.
"Where are we going?"
>"To the archives."
"Alright."
>...
>"Don't you wish to know why?"
"If you feel like telling."
>"We are going back in time, Anonymous."
"We are?"
>"Yes, we cannot let your reputation be tarnished like this."
"Let's just go buy another keyboard."
>"It is too late for such endeavors, too much time has passed."
>Well, that's probably right.
>Internet time is naturally faster than our own according to some scientists and sociologists.
>Okay, maybe it's just to you.
>But you still think it's a genius theory.
>"Are thou spacing out again?!"
"Ma, you're talking in the ye olde speak again."
>"Apologies, but we must make haste."
>She always starts talking like that when she gets really stressed.
>...
>Really stressed?
>It was just a comment on the internet.
>Dammit mom.
>The guard by the archive door gets tossed out of the way like a rag doll and your mom kicks the door open.
>She sets you down and motions for you to come close to her.
>She leans towards you, as if she wants to tell you a secret.
>"Find the spell quickly, Anonymous!"
>Your ears begin ringing as your mom trots away and heads between some bookshelves.
>You forget that she likes to shout when she gets excited.
>A sigh escapes your lips as you stare at the millions of books and scrolls that make up the archive room.
>And she wants to search for one fucking spell in all this shit?
>Maybe the receptionist can tell you where to go.
>You head to the front desk, only to be greeted with emptiness.
>A card on the desk reads "out to lunch".
>Dammit.
>You groan and plop down in her office chair.
>...
>Then you spin around in a circle cause that's what you fucking do if you're in an office chair.
>You stop and notice that her computer was still on, she's still logged in too.
>Well, looks like you can just look up the spell yourself.
>But...
>And you know this sounds crazy.
>But maybe that dude on the internet felt bad after you didn't respond, and he apologized.
>If that happened you could get mom to stop all this.
>You go on /mlh/ and find the thread you were browsing.
>And in there you see that the guy posted again.
>His post said...
Everyone knows Incognito is best human you fucking pleb. Only total fucking egghead nerds like Innomniate, she's a total Marey Sue and you know it!
>Oh!
>Shit!
>You hang your head and sigh.
>Not Incognito.
>Mom fucking hates Incognito.
>He's Chrysalis's human son.
>Even mentioning the guy will get mom to cause a shit storm that makes her banishment look like a time out.
>To be fair, he is kind of a douche.
>Always talking about how unique he is, even though you were here first.
>Yeah, he's awful.
>"Incognito!"
>There's that ringing again, and this time a heart attack too.
>You look over your shoulder and see your mom; her eye is twitching, and she's grinding her teeth.
"Mom."
>Her horn glows blue and the computer makes a fizzling noise before exploding in blue flames.
"I was gonna use that."
>She leans close to your face and you brace yourself for the voice.
>"We have to find that spell immediately!"
>You wipe some spittle off your cheek and fix your hair.
>Mom picks you up with her magic and you both run off into the depths of the archives.
>You really wish you were out to lunch right now.
>After searching for a needle in a haystack for like five hours you finally start to nod off.
>But then your mom shakes you and you let out a stuttered groan.
>"Anonymous, do you think that maybe," she grimaced, "Incognito..."
>Her nose scrunched and her breathing was labored as she stared off into space; the rage space that is.
>Yeah, she really hates that guy.
"You were saying?"
>She snaps out of her trance, "do you think this may have been premeditated slander?"
>...
>She's serious.
"No."
>She sets you down and you stretch your legs.
>"Then we must continue searching for the spell."
>You roll your eyes.
"I'll go check the..."
>Mom shoves her nose back in some dusty old scroll and you just stop trying.
"Whatever."
>You walk away and your mother agrees with you blindly on whatever you just said.
>She has way too much damn free time.
>Maybe the receptionist is back.
>You walk back and sneer at the empty desk.
>The card on the table reads "out to dinner".
>Your stomach growls and you sigh.
>This really needs to end.
>You just realized that starving to death in here is something that could fucking happen.
>In fact.
>You walk up to the exit and your suspicions are confirmed.
>A blue wall of energy has you trapped in here.
>Nothing is getting in or out.
>The receptionist is looking inside from the hall, some mustard is still on her muzzle.
>She sees you, "do you know what's up with this blue wall?"
>You shrug.
"Just take the day off."
>Oh bitchin' thanks Anon."
>She runs off and jumps into a coffee colored chariot and a colt puts his forearm around her.
>...
>You're a fucking royal!
>Why isn't that you right now?!
>You stomp back to the desk and sit down in the chair.
>Then you fucking spin, and you check out what she was browsing earlier.
>Wait.
>The computer blew up though.
>...
>Magic fixed it or something you guess.
>You shrug and go back to the screen and start clicking out of whatever she was browsing.
>/mlh/, MyStable, YoungHungHorseCocks...
>She isn't allowed to be on MyStable on the job!
>Whatever.
>You exit out of everything and check the archive index for time spells.
>After some bullshit loading time a page on Starswirl the Bearded pops up.
>You browse through and-
>Starswirl the Bearded!
>You rub your temples.
>Shit you're an idiot sometimes.
>Of course it would be fucking Starswirl.
>Alright, which one of these spells does mom want?
>Just then the page stops responding.
>This is fucking great.
>You minimize it and wait a bit.
>But, to your surprise, you find yourself back on the /mlh/ board.
>And in the thread you were in before.
>Alright, do you f5?
>...
>Well, maybe if you start loading something on this page the other page will catch up.
>Against your better judgment you refresh.
>This time you check over your shoulder and make sure your mom is still busy.
>You hear an incredibly loud royal sneeze that shakes the walls, "to Tartarus with this baneful dust!"
>Yeah she's busy.
>You should check the page on last time.
>Incognito may be a douche, but he isn't a villain.
>Maybe now he feels bad, or some other posters gave him shit.
>You find his next post...
So everypony else's PCs blew out through moon magic? HA, fucking fags. I bet you all don't even run ChrysalOS. That's right, stay jelly. You know what, I'm even feeling gracious, next one to get dubs gets a free copy of ChryaslOS.
>Eh, he's just making empty promises again.
>The whole thread is fucking riled up at him though.
>Most of the responses are just "go to bed" or some kind of call back to the time his mom got fucked up at the royal wedding.
>One response though is a classic that gets you every single time.
>"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?"
>You can't help but laugh really fucking loudly.
>"What is so funny?"
>There's the fucking heart attack again.
>Your mom reads the screen and she starts to smile slowly.
>But it's a really fucking long and creepy smile.
>"This is most fortunate for us."
>No.
>"We knew Incognito would be lacerated by some malcontent one day, but we had no idea it would be by a member of the royal guard."
>She's never seen it before?
>"Come Anonymous, we must find this hero and award him with many medals."
>It's just gonna be some fucking autist.
>Shit.
>You go back to the index page and find out where the spells are.
"Ma get back here, I found the spells."
>"Forget the spells Anonymous, soon Incognito shall be destroyed by a member of our guard."
>A bucket of popcorn appears next to her, "and we wish to see every glorious moment of it."
>You groan, and decide to grab the spell and follow her out.
>Sure enough, you both find the Box residence.
>You knock on the door and a mare opens the door.
>Her jaw drops when she sees the two of you, and she freezes up.
>Your mom simply keeps munching on her popcorn, "did we miss the death?"
>The mare shivers and starts kissing your feet and pleading for you to spare her life.
>You glare at your mom and she shrugs.
"We aren't gonna hurt you, we just want to know if your adult son is in today."
>She starts crying louder and pleads with you to kill him.
>Mom drops her popcorn, "kill him? He shall soon be the hero of Equestria if we have anything to say about it."
>She looks up to the two of you with hopeful eyes, "are you gonna give him a job?"
>Mom raises an eyebrow, "your son is a member of the royal guard."
>The mare just stares at the two of you, "well, he could always have a bit of a 'war accident' I suppose."
>She winks.
>This is getting old.
"Holy shit, I saw a changeling in her house!"
>You grab your mom and shake her.
"She's one of them!"
>Your mom lowers her brow and stares down the now trembling mare.
>Her horn begins glowing and the mare gets teleported away.
>You'll let her out of the dungeon later.
>If you remember.
>Mom rushes into the house and fashions some combat armor out of some of the utensils in the mare's kitchen.
>"Come Anonymous, we must help the royal guard fight off any additional changelings sent by Incognito!"
>Your mom disappears down a hallway.
>And you're reminded that this is all fucking Incognito's fault.
>That guy really is a cock, and he fucks everything up even when he isn't involved.
>"A changeling!"
>You hear a loud explosion and the walls of the house shake as the hallway fills up with blue flames.
>The walls are scorched, and the stale smell of burning carpet fills your nose.
>...
>"False alarm!"
>Oh fuck this.
>Alright, if I was an autist who spent all his time shitposting on /mlh/ where would I be?
>You look down the hall and see two run offs.
>One has the lights on, the other does not.
>You head down the dark hall and scan the doors.
>Only one door has a "keep out" sign on it with the radioactive symbol on it.
>Never even got rid of anything he had as a teen then.
>You open the door and the immediate sour smell of piss stings the back of your throat as you inhale.
>Needless to say there are piss bottles everywhere.
>You see some colt hunched over staring at the luminescent screen that is the only source of light in the room.
>He scoffs, "no u!"
>You tip toe around empty pizza boxes and mountain dew two liters full of piss to reach him.
>"Time to work on my next green masterpiece."
>He cracks his neck and titters, "this time she'll use a squash."
>You tap him on the shoulder and he turns around and gasps when he sees you.
>"Aren't you Anonymous?"
"The one and only."
>He stutters, "what the fuck are you doing here?"
>You shrug.
>"Um," he awkwardly shifts in his seat. "Did you like my 'True Self' story?"
>He writes fan fiction.
>You really should've known.
"Look, I don't care about your dumb fic. You need to get out of here before my mom fucks you up to shit."
>"Your mom?"
"Princess Luna."
>"Your mom is princess Luna?"
"No I'm lying, yes she's fucking princess Luna."
>He just stares at you with his eyebrow raised.
>"That's stupid."
>U fuckin' wot?
"Shut the fuck up, this isn't a game!"
>"Trixie is superior pone mom."
"I don't write autistic fan fiction about a kids cartoon dip shit, I don't care!"
>He snorts, "whatever. Everypony loves me anyway."
>Maybe you should just let mom kill him.
>You exit the room as he starts mumbling something about being "the next RiggyRag".
>What a fucking loser.
>As you enter the hall you look at some of the pictures.
>One of them is of him getting his Neurobiology degree.
>...
>Shit.
>He's smarter than you.
>Your mom rounds a corner and the various pots and pans that surround her clang together.
>"Did you find the great warrior?"
>Oh yeah, this is still happening.
>You gotta make up some bullshit fan fiction excuse to get her to use this spell.
>After some quick thinking you get the perfect dumb idea that keeps bad fan fiction going.
"I'm sorry mom, but he's kill."
>"No."
>She drops her sausage poker sword and falls to the floor.
>"Incognito has won."
>You show her the scroll with the spell on it.
"We can go back in time and prevent this from happening though."
>Your mom gasps, "quick thinking Anonymous."
>Her horn begins to glow and she tells you to brace yourself.
>But then a voice from down the hall interrupts the two of you.
>"Hey Anon, some faggot named Incognito posted some shit about you!"
>Your mom roars in anger, "what has that despicable troll said now?!"
Alright you greedy little pones... I'm feeling rather hungry for your love tonight.
Dubs get's Anon's dick pics
Trips gets the sex video
Stole them off of his old ex, some Blunderdolt reserves mare, after I banged her. She must have some human or ukulele fetish, her love was spicy.
"Mom, just ignore him."
>"Then he wins!"
"Oh come on!"
>The greasy colt snickers, "he's totally lying. Everypony knows Anon is a virgin."
>What?
"No I'm not."
>The colt snickers, "I get underage intern poon everyday. Still think I'm autistic?"
"I don't care, I'm not a virgin though."
>Mom shakes her head, "Anonymous, lying is very unbecoming of thee."
"Dammit mom."
>The colt stick his tongue out, "worst pone mom strikes again."
>Mom glares at him, "thou does not have the authority to proclaim such lies!"
>He rolls his eyes, "fucking Luna fics. They're all the same gay bullshit, 'boohoo muh tragic past, muh sister', lame ass."
>Your mom growls and the ground begins to rumble.
>The colt just mimics her and keeps laughing like he's not about to get fucking killed.
>"Trixie is superior pone mom, because a fucking conflict can actually happen in a Trixie story. No royal bullshit to fuck up the plot."
>Mom begins charging her horn and you use the opportunity to read the spell as she casts.
>A bright beam shoots out and hits the colts, and soon all that's left is a black scorch mark on the floor where he was.
>Mom sighed, "why did thou do that? We were going to flay the autist."
"Well, he's in a better place now."
>...
"Right?"
>"We have no idea."
"Oh."
>You rub your arm and stare at the floor.
>"If it makes you feel better, we do know for a fact that he was not sent to a different dimension."
"That doesn't make me feel better."
>Mom wraps her forearm around you.
>"Will restoring your honor cheer you up?"
>Your honor?
>You just helped your mom terrorize a family for no reason.
>Most of your days are spent browsing an image board on the computer.
>You walk towards the scorch mark.
>All your friends from school have gotten lives and forgotten about you.
>At your feet lies some black soot.
>You look in the room and see that his computer is still on; the fan can be heard amongst the crackling of the fire.
>And they left you here.
>The unnatural glow of the monitor remains the only light in the darkness.
>Behind you a fire is raging.
>The heat burns when you turn to face it.
>"Anonymous?"
>You don't answer her.
>"Are you alright?"
>Alright?
"No, I'm not alright."
>"Did the words of the greasy colt make you feel bad? Is your honor-"
"What honor?"
>She stops.
"I don't have any honor. Why do you care so much about my honor anyway? I don't do anything."
>"Anonymous."
"It was just a stupid comment from some douchebag who doesn't matter. How come you got so riled up about it?"
>Nothing was said.
"I'm leaving."
>You walk past her and ignore her worried stare.
"I wasted the whole day doing this stupid shit. I'm going home."
>You rounded the corner.
>"And what will you do when you get home?"
>Some wood snapped and it fell to the floor; the house was slowly coming down around you and sweat was pooling on your back.
>"Will you go on the computer and spend your whole day there?"
"Maybe I will!"
>You turn around and find your mom staring at you.
>Her gaze is hard to pinpoint, but you don't like how she's looking at you.
"What's it to you? You do the same sometimes."
>Her eyes start making you aware of how fast your heart is pounding.
>"I only did that because of you."
>She slowly approaches you.
>"I thought it would help me understand you, Anonymous."
>Smoke begins to collect at your feet; soon it will rise.
>"I am worried about you. Worried about how your life will be lived in these new times."
>She sighs and shakes her head.
>"Times I do not understand... because of what happened to my own honor."
>You rub your face with your hands, and wipe some sweat off of your forehead.
"I don't need you to babysit me. I'm an adult."
>She looks at you slightly from the side of her eye.
>Were you really?
>...
>Your heart tickled and you only felt its panic.
>It was easy to say you were an adult at your age.
>but are you really?
"Mom?"
>She looks at you; her eyes are down.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
>Her true feelings.
>You know she'll share them with you.
>And it scares you to no end.
>She licks her lips and swallows; she is searching for the words.
>Then she shakes her head.
>"No. I can never be ashamed of you."
>Her forearm goes around you.
>The glow of her horn is light, blue, a calm color given to newborn babies.
>A small bubble forms around the two of you.
>The house coming down around the two of you no longer matters.
>It's cool and refreshing in the bubble with her, and you swear you can see her breath.
>"I know who you really are. It would be impossible to say otherwise after raising you for so long."
>She rubs your back and you look into her eyes.
>Yours start to become blurry.
>How could you have yelled at her?
>"I have seen the best and the worst of you, and it is always the best that I think of whenever I think of your future."
>She touches your chest.
>"Your honor is here, nowhere else. I learned that the hard way."
>You dip your head.
"I'm a failure."
>She rest her head on your shoulder.
>"If that is how you truly feel, then why have you done nothing to change it?"
>You shake your head.
"I don't know."
>"Anonymous, I want you to understand something."
>She sighed as one of the walls of the house fell to the ground.
>"I worry about you, not because I think you're a failure, but because moments like these are rare between us."
>"There was a time when I was your world, I understand now why some mothers consider the earliest years some of their most memorable."
>"You came to me for everything, depended on me for everything. But, that changed, as I knew it would."
>"Soon, you no longer wished for my take on your life. You would push me out of your room when I came in, and it didn't matter what I had to say anymore."
>You wipe away some snot and your mom holds your hand.
>"I knew it would happen, I knew that you wouldn't want me around forever... but I wasn't ready."
>She shied away from your gaze and you quickly wrap her in a hug.
"I'm sorry I pushed you away."
>She closes her eyes and rests her head on you.
>"It's okay, you didn't mean to."
"So, all that time you spent on the computer-"
>"I'm just interested in your life, Anonymous. I may not understand it as well as you, but I want to be part of it if you are."
>Part of your world.
>Your honor.
>Your future.
>What you've done.
>There's no way you could prepare for these things.
>But you never even tried.
"I'm sorry."
>"You don't have to be sorry."
"Yes I do."
>"No, you are an adult."
>She smiles at you.
>"You can live your life any way you want to."
>She caresses the side of your face.
>"I'd just like to see you do it."
>You get up.
"I'm ready to go."
>You put the scroll in your pocket.
>All that time.
>"I can start this day over if you'd like?"
"But then this will have never happened."
>You smile at her.
"And starting now these moments won't be rare. I want you to remember that."
>She gets up and you both walk out into the world.
>Incognito, the colt, all those guys can have their own lives.
>But they wont be part of yours.
>Because yours is still a mystery.
>"So, what will you do when you get home then?"
>You close your eyes and breath.
>Then you look up at the sky.
>It's almost nighttime; it happens everyday.
>Why try to control something that happens almost everyday?
"I don't know."
>The sun would shine bright tomorrow.
"But that's actually kind of exciting."

(This is a fan made ending to Sunkist's Twimom story)

>Nothing is forever.
>You stared at the castle that you called home for so long.
>It occurs to you that you never said goodbye.
>But life gets so much harder without a rock.
>You smile as you look at the shimmering crystal; the rays of the sun dancing on the surface.
>Things are different now.
>Happiness hasn't changed.
>It has only expanded.
>And now you have two homes.
>You look to the park on your right where the green grass was a confidant of the happiness you shared with her.
>The girl of your dreams.
>She is flying through life on the most refreshing breeze that causes one to take in the sweet air that passes before it is gone forever.
>You have to get a job now.
>The castle is beginning to look imposing and enormous now; the way it must look to most you imagine.
>You have to protect this new life of yours.
>Your heart flutters when you hear a familiar rasp behind you.
>"Thinkin' of home?"
>There behind you is what rivals the sun for bright beauty.
>Her violet eyes, the bright orange of her coat.
>She is the night and the day.
"A little bit."
>You nod towards the house that you would've lost had you not become a guard.
>You have decided that now.
"Why don't we go back."
>She nods and you both start down the dirt trail and hear the crunching of the sediments.
>You peer over your shoulder and wave.
>It's barely a whisper.
"Goodbye."
>The castle does not respond.
>It is empty.
>Unbeknownst to you, the house warming party that Scootaloo and Pinkie have prepared will be the best night of your life.
>It is only a couple steps away now.
>"You probably miss living in a castle, don't ya? I know I would."
>You let the air hang a while.
"Well..."
"I suppose looking back it was a bit glamorous."
>Scootaloo looked at you expectantly.
>She smiled when you did.
"But I'm not going back."
>You looked into her eyes and realized that you'd seen them everyday for a long time now.
"And, I like that."

 http://pastebin.com/u/XMrWritefagX

oh, and uh, april fools or whatever.