thing about spiders

From your very birth you hated snakes.
Big snakes, little snakes, red snakes, blue snakes.
You hated snakes on trains, snakes on plains, snakes on planes, and even snakes on plantains.
You half-hated lamias, Shirohebis, Echidnas, Medusas, and Apophises, and delivery pizza (one of MonsterGo's employees was a lamia.)
This is precisely the reason that you were so interested in the news on that particular day.
Right below the classifieds ( " Lonely Mimic looking for literally anyone to pay attention to me ") there was an advert that interested you.

			LOOKING TO FILL VACANT APARTMENT
		--------------------------------------------
	no lamias, shiroheibies, alps, apohises, medusas or solicitors

Last week a Salamander had talked with the landlord about a room, and if one reptile gets in then it's only inevitable that more, including snakes, will follow.
Packing all your worldly possessions ( electric kettle, two pans, letter from mother ) in your satchel, you hiked off to the address listed on the paper.

When you got there, you found that the local lord there had significant reason for her refusal of insect-devouring creatures.
She was a massive spider in a dress, something that covered her humanesque portion and at least attempted to preserve her modesty on the massive hairy spider  half.
"Hello, I'm here about the room. I hear you don't accept snakes. "
" It's true, we don't accept snakes. We also don't accept alps and solicitors. Are you an alp or a solicitor? "
" No. "
" Excellent. First room on the left. "
Business conducted, you took your keys and entered the room.
The first thing you noticed was that there was a spider on the couch.
Not a spider-girl, a spider. No qt girl was attached to it.
" This is my realm now, spider. I rule it with an iron fist. Please leave my couch, I need to lie on it and feel like trash. "
Spiders cannot speak, but if the spider on your couch could speak, it would say "No."
The spider that did speak was your new neighbor, a long legged brown spider-girl.
She had walked in on you telling that spider to leave. There was a pie in her hands. Something in your bones told you that it was a spider pie (filled with spiders) and your bones had never lied to you before.
" That is my father. Please don't mind him, he is old and his hearing is weak. " She said.
" I was not aware. Hello. I live here now, in this apartment that your father, you, and I are in. "
She handed you the spider pie and you held it. It writhed in your grasp.
" I am related to most of the spiders here. Many of them are my father. "
" You have many parents. "
" Spiders reject the concept of monogamy. If you were to marry me, you would be married to all of the spiders that live here. "
" I will remember that. With so many fathers, I would surely receive many gifts at all my weddings. "
A smaller spider-girl walked in. In her grasp was a stein of spider cider (made from spiders).
" New neighbor, I have brought you a glass of spider cider. It would be rude not to drink it. "
Your tall spider neighbor with long legs and your short spider neighbor with short legs and the fathers of your tall spider neighbor watched you drink the spider cider.
The spicy taste of spiders excites your pallet.
You said:
" This spider cider was made from the finest spiders of their year. Thank you. "
The short spider neighbor said:
" That spider cider was made from the worst spiders of their year. You are a liar and a charlatan. I can only pray that your god grants you grace rather then justice. "
Your tall spider neighbor spits on you, as is spider tradition for liars, and then politely tells you her name.
" My name is Julie. "
Your short spider neighbor spits on you, as is spider tradition for liars, and then politely tells you her name.
" My name is Abe. I am a female spider, one of ten thousand born in my brood. I ate twelve of my sisters. "
You are spit on by your spider neighbors for lying, as is spider tradition for liars, and then politely tell them your name.
" My name is Anonymous. I live here now, in this apartment that Abe, Julie, Julie's many fathers, and myself are in. "
The two spider neighbors agree that you live here now.
Grandly sweeping her arms, Julie gestures at the apartment.
" I will give you a tour. If you look into the kitchen, you will see a kitchen. It is the perfect place to prepare spider foods. If you ask spiders politely enough, they will gladly enter a pastry so that they maybe eaten and enjoyed. "
The pie in your hands agrees with her statement by making agreeable spider noises.
You are filled with curiosity.
" If I were to ask you to enter a pastry so that I might eat and enjoy you, would you do so? "
" Only if you ask politely. "
Abe walks up the ceiling and to a hole, roughly the size of your head and slick with some unknown spider fluid. It continues into the apartment above you, where a spider-grandmother knits.
The spider-grandmother in the apartment above you waves at you.
" This is the hole made when the man before you married all of us. We are no longer married to him. The 50% divorce rate is a horrible thing that results in many single parents and broken families. "
She gestures at the spider grandmother in the apartment above.
" The spider grandmother in the apartment above is the direct ancestor of almost all spiders in this world, including all of Julie's fathers. She is happy to have such successful children. She no longer has a husband. "
The spider grandmother in the apartment above walks down the hole slick with some unknown spider fluid.
" It is true. I am grandmother to many thousand spiders. If you marry my granddaughter Julie, my granddaughter Abe, my granddaughter the landlord, or myself, you will be married to me as well. "
You nod politely.
" I will remember that. With so many wives I would surely receive many dinners each day. "
Julie and Abe shuffle uncomfortably.
" With so many wives, you would surely be many dinners. "
they tell you.
" This is spider tradition? "
" This is spider tradition. "
" Then I will avoid marrying all of you. "
Abe strikes a sensual pose, for a spider.
" We will do our best to seduce you with our spiderly wiles. Please carefully examine the masterful crafting of my spinneret. "
You make dismissive gestures as she rubs her silk-producing organ on your face.
" I would rather not. I would much rather lay on my couch and feel like trash. "
" Then I will seduce you tomorrow. Good night, Anonymous. "
" Good night: Abe, Julie, spider grandmother, spider fathers, and spider pastries. "
Abe, Julie, the spider grandmother, all the spider fathers, and spider pastries tell you good night, tuck you in, and sing you a lullaby.