Cheshire

Rewrite starts at [RW] if you don't wanna read shit twice.



You open your eyes, and find yourself face down in the dirt.  Looking towards the nearest noise instinctively, you see the tail-end of a cart.  The cart you were just hitching a ride on.  Yelling all manner of obscenities and shaking your fist ineffectively, you briefly chase after the rapidly disappearing carriage, until you stop, out of breath.  "That bastard.  I gave him every penny I had."  You were on your way to the capital, on courier duty.  Naturally, your employers didn't give you shit besides the package until you completed a delivery.  Work had been scarce lately; communications between towns had slowed to a halt due to the presence of monsters in the area.  Reports of anyone leaving town never returning, villages burned or fucked to the ground, famine, yadda yadda.  You know, all kinds of bad stuff.

You realize that if you don't want to end up six feet under you should probably get your bearings a bit.  Squinting against the sunset, you can see the capital in the distance.  Probably a two day walk from here, unless something retarded happens like you get kidnapped and held prisoner for the rest of your life, each day an agonizing torture worse than the last.  No way that'd happen though.  To the south, a deep, dark forest at the bottom of a rocky cliff that you are standing near right now.  To the north, yet another sheer cliff face.  The path you're on is decently spacious, but if this world had cars in it everybody would shit themselves driving on it.  After a quick check, you discover you do have some supplies kicking around undamaged by your unceremonious flopping onto the dusty nonpavement.  You're in this situation again, far from the first time in your life.  A situation you're most comfortable in.  Nowhere to really go except forward, no choices to make.  So, off we go, one foot in front of the other.

You come to a fork in the road.  You stop and pick it up.  It's a really nice fork.  When you manage to tear your eyes away from it, you see to your left a path leading up into the mountains.  It seems safe enough.  However, straight ahead you see a rather precarious looking edge that you could -toootally- slide along, and it wouldn't involve a detour.  The penalty for failure?  Pfff, just a hundred foot drop down a steep mountainside into a mystery-forest in monster infested territory.  No biggie.  You pride yourself on your speedy deliveries.  Chin up.

You huddle against the wall, sliding across the very narrow edge on your heels.  Like a TOTAL FUCKING MORON you inadvertently look down about halfway across.  You gulp.  Cinematic law amplifies the volume.  The soundwaves from your esogopheal gestations slam into the ledge, shifting just enough stone to ruin your footing.  Man, you feel like a fucking dumbass.  Why would you look down?  Have you ever read or watched anything before?  Goddamn.  You slide down the rocky face for a good thirty feet before totally beefing it and losing your wicked-sick bootgrind footing.  After tumbling downwards for a good thirty seconds, you hit the ground.

You open your eyes, and find yourself face down in the dirt.  Wait, did you die and it loaded an autosave?  Nah, that's impossible.  You can't hear the grinding of wooden wheels on dirt and gravel.  Your entire body feels like it just got a world-class pummeling from fist-hell.  Otherwise you're fine, which is total bullshit.  This ground is too soft.  You should be dead.  It's almost like you're a protagonist or something.  You smile, thanking whichever god that you were still alive.

You stand up painfully and look around, and discern that you landed yourself face-first into that thick forest you could see from the cliff.  The canopy is dense.  Light comes in, but you can't tell from what direction.  You manage to keep your head in check and reason that you should just follow the cliffside on your left.  It should lead you out and to your destination, but you don't know how much time you're going to lose.  Still, there's a point where "better safe than sorry" actually applies to you, it's just after you've fallen down a cliff and have been converted into a bruised, bloody mess with only one for survival.  You keep the cliff on your left and set on your way.

It's not long before you hear a mischievous tittering from the dense foliage to your right.  After a cursory glance, though, your eyes reveal nothing interesting to you.  "This is going to be a completely uneventful passage through this forest.  Nothing will go wrong and I will come out fine."  you declare out loud, as much for yourself as the nobody around you.  This naturally prompts the nobody to laugh some more.  This time it's from ahead of you.  Sighing, you continue forward.  Cliff on your left hand.  You repeat it mentally.  You absolutely will not screw this up.

A few hours later, you start getting thirsty.  Thinking about it, you haven't heard anything from the foliage for some time.  Neat.  You lost your stalker.  You reach for your waterskin, put it to your parched lips, and... wait.  Shit.  No you didn't.  You check your waist.  It's not there.  Reaching to your back you realize your pack isn't there either.  Mother fuck.  How did this even happen?  You were positive you had it when you were dumped off the cart, so that old coot didn't take it from you.  He just jettisoned you for reasons you cannot comprehend.  You hear the laughter again, quite possibly the last thing you wanted to hear right now.  This time it's one single "hahhh!"  If the nobody has hands, you are sure they would be fingerguns-ing you right now.  This only fuels your rage.  "Alright, you piece of shit," you yell into the forest.  Probably not the best idea you've had, but you have to do something.  "I don't know what you are, or what your game is, but I'm fucking sick of it.  However, let it not be said that I am an unkind man.  I will grace you with MY forgiveness if you return my pack and waterskin to me."  You say the MY with tons of emphasis.  You have to sound as cool and majestic as possible to make people listen to you.  You hear a snort of laughter, and moments later a distinctly feminine "Alright, you got it toots."  You briefly see a flash of yellow dots in the brush, which ejects your supplies.  You retrieve your waterskin and put it to your mouth, giving it a squeeze.  Flour sprays all over your face.  You stand there unmoving for a moment, before, as calmly as you can, asking "How did this even happen."  The bush laughs uproarously at your dumb ass.  It just played a trick on you.  No flora plays tricks on you and gets away with it.

Drawing your hip dagger, you leap into the bush like a predator, ready to tear this bitch foliage a new asshole.  You stab downwards, feeling the blade of your weapon meet soft flesh.  Blood splatters across your face.  Before you lies a woman with purple hair, paws and cat ears, dressed in a skimpy one-piece dress.  Her face is contorted in pain.  You just fucking killed somebody.  You didn't sign up for this.  You feel horrible.

Until you notice her laughing at you again, anyway.  You look down at your blade, and realize the blade has retracted into the handle.  It's a fucking prop knife.  Where did she get a prop knife?  And not just any prop knife.  Pressing the blade in triggered a mechanism that unleashed a geyser of silly string into your face from the pommel.  This world doesn't even -have- silly string.  You feel your face contort in unimaginable fury as you make eye contact with her again.  She's giving you the biggest shit eating grin you have ever seen in your entire fucking life.  But you've got her pinned now, and there's no way she replaced your fists with whoopie cushions or something.

You pull your fist back and belt her with enough force to knock out a grown man.  Oh wait, no you fucking didn't, idiot.  You missed somehow.  Looking down there's nothing there.  You feel a tap in your back and turn around.  She's hanging upside-down grinning at you again.  This fucking cat.  This fucking cat and her fucking faggot face.  She pulls an eyelid down at you and sticks out her tongue, and disappears.  Pressing the bridge of your nose with your finger and thumb and letting out an earthshaking sigh of expectant frustration, you reach behind to your back.  Natura-fucking-ly, you pull off a piece of paper.  On it is written the word "dumbass," accompanied by a remarkably well drawn picture of a donkey with your face. It's a spitting image.  Shocking, really.

Shuddering with fury you crumple it up and throw it to the ground, jump-stomping on it and roaring out an "OHHHHHHH!  CONSARN IT!  YOU LILY-LIVERED SPLIT-TOOTH VARMINT!  DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE MESSIN' WITH?"  You hear an "EEEHHHH SHADDAP" in reply, followed by yet more of that godforsaken laughter, retreating into the forest.  You don't know how much more you can take.  In a huff, you bustle back to your precious cliff face.  At least it won't mock you.  You keep in on your right.  Right?  Left.  Right.  You don't even bother retrieving your pack.  It's just going to have something stupid in it.

***

In the deepest, darkest forest, there was a table.  Not just any table.  The most diabolical, conniving, mischievous, vile, heartless, cruel, annoying table in the land.  Around this table, there were five chairs.  Not just any chairs.  The most diabolical, conniving, mischievous... you get the deal.  No sane man would sit in these chairs, at this table.  There was but one creature truly at home in such a place.  And here she comes now.  She takes a seat at the head chair.

"Hmhmhm.  How go the preparations?"
She disappears, reappearing in the second-left chair.
"Excellently, milord.  The plan is well under way."
Back in the head chair again.
"Good, gooood.  I expect great things from you, general.  And you?"
First-right.
"It's all going according to plan, ma'am.  Soon, our ultimate attack will be under way.  His mind shant last much longer."
Head.
"Eeexcellent." she mutters, drumming her fingers together in a steeple.  "Soon, the perfect husband will be... complete."
Second-right.
"That's what you hope to gain through all of this?!  You're doing this in the name of something like love?"
Head.
"Do not underestimate its power, lieutenant.  It is beyond your comprehension." she states, a level glare on her perfect porcelain features.
Second-right.
"well then I'd like to see a demonstration, if you think it's so far beyond me."
Second-left
"Lieutenant!  Do not tempt fate.  You are replaceable."
Head.
"No, general.  I think she's right.  Perhaps a demonstration is in order." she says, with a smile that could freeze a lake.  She puts out her right hand, grabbing an imaginary neck, lifting an imaginary subordinate off the ground.
Blinking into its place, she begins floating, struggling and begging for forgiveness, "I'm sorry milord!  I never should have questioned your motives, your brilliance!  I was a fool!"
"A fool indeed.  I have no need for fools."  With a flick of her wrist, she casts her limp body off into the darkness.

With a crazed, determined look in her eye, she sets off to the cliffside yet again.
"Ladies, it is time.  We have a man to catch."

***

It's been a while since anything irritating has happened.  You almost feel lonely.  The flour sure didn't do anything to quench your thirst, though.  As if on cue, you hear running water off in the forest.  Realizing what a stupid idea it would be to follow it and abandon the cliff face, you continue pursuing it and abandon the cliff face.  You follow it for several minutes, making sure to keep the cliff face at your back the entire time so you can easily return.  Getting lost here would be the worst.  Just.  The worst.

Time drags on and you have yet to find this stupid water.  You wish you hadn't left your flourskin behind.  You could really use a drink.  Wait, no that's stupid.  Several more minutes pass, and finally you find it.  The spring!  It's right there!  You dash towards it.  In a momentary burst of awareness, you snap to attention.  You look around, making sure nothing is out of place.  You haven't heard anything in a while, the water looks clean, and as far as you can tell, nothing stupid is going to happen.  Absolutely not.  You get on your hands and knees, and dip your hands into the water.  It's real.  It's not painted on or actually fire or anything.  With the first sigh of relief since you fell, you bring your hands to your mouth and pour the liquid of life down your parched throat.  Then you wonder why it's all over your face, down to your neck.  You really don't understand.  The water was just sitting there a minute ago- wait.  Someone just shoved you into it.  What?  Whatever.  Goddamnit.  You pull your head out and look behind you.

"Guess who~!" she chimes through her toothy grin.  You stare at her for a moment before getting to your feet and attacking.  Your fist yet again finds no purchase.  "Awww, missed me that much?"  You spin around, throwing yet another wild failure-punch.  "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I SWEAR TO GOD"  "Mmm, you're such a sweetie!  I think it's time we take our relationship to the next level!"  You feel a breeze.  In this forest.  How?  You look down.  No wonder.  Your pants have vanished.  You look up, and see that goddamn cat standing there, except now she's wearing pants.  Your pants.  Fuck.  You blush uncharacteristically and attempt to cover the shame of your exposed boxers.  Her paw finds your chin and brings your head up, making you look her in the eyes.  You can't look away from them.  She's getting closer.  Something about that clear, bright gold that you could get lost in- wait wait wait hold on a minute this bitch has been fucking with you all day- days? and she just stole your pants, what are you thinking?  Snarling, you grab her wrist and get ready to go to town.  If you had any sense left in your head you would have expected what happened.  She was gone, yet again.

"My name's Momo!  Nice to meet you!" she chirps from behind you.  You turn around in time to see her disappear into the foliage yet again.  Fury overtaking you, you charge after her into the darkness.  What a big, big mistake.  From many different, rapidly changing directions all around you, you can hear her cackling manically.  You manage to catch "So easy to trick!  So hard to break!  So much fun!" through all of them.  You just keep running forward, rage turning into brickshitting fear.  "You better keep running!  I'm gonna get you~!  Ehehe!"  You turn your run into a full-body sprint, just getting the fuck out of there as fast as you can.  You don't care what direction you're going, you don't care about the cliff, and you don't give a single goddamn fuck about your delivery.

[RW]

Minutes later, you enter a clearing, scarcely able to breathe.  You collapse onto your back, spread eagle on the ground, trembling in utter terror.  You can see the sky for the first time in what feels like weeks.  The night sky is crystal clear.  It returns a modicum of composure to your addled brain.  There's no way it has been more than a day since your idiotic plunge.  You seem to have escaped that demon, for now at least.  Seems like the only time you're going to be able to take a break.  Looking around the clearing, you notice a rather ramshackle house on stilts, with a ladder leading to the door.  There are no lights, but your utterly ruined day catches up to you.  You realize you haven't eaten and you're dead tired.  Exhaustion overwhelms you, and you think about just lying where you are and falling asleep.  At least, you think that until the smell of... something delicious wafting from the stilt-shack snaps your eyes wide open.

After a few moments of tentative rest on the grass, you climb the ladder to the door.  Opening it half-expecting a bucket of water to drop on your head or someone insane enough to live in this horrible Loki-infested forest to leap at you and eat you alive or something, you step inside.  Oddly enough, nothing happens.  You feel around in the darkness, and your hand manages to detect what feels like it's probably an oil lamp.  You flop your hand around it haphazardly feeling for some turn-y thing and bump into it eventually, bringing light to this seemingly irritation-free sanctuary.  The first thing you notice is that this place is a dump.  A spacious dump, but a dump nonetheless.  There's a large dingy mattress in a corner, a rickety table, a single chair, and various detritus indicative of a boozehound.  The second thing you notice, is that on this rickety table lies more food than you've seen in one place since starting your journey.  All manner of things, too.  Fruits, bread, even a roast.  It looks great.  There's also a folded piece of paper.  Picking it up, you see the words "From your dearest, lovely Momo <3 Eat up sweetie!" written on it.  The "i" in "sweetie" is dotted with a heart.  You shudder audibly.  Still, you're absolutely starving.

Every synapse in your brain, every fiber of your being, every ventricle, vein, artery of your heart wants to punch you in the face right now.  But you decide to give your stomach a high five.  Those other guys are kind of jerks anyway.  Your conscience slaps you, hard, giving you enough presence of mind to at least pick one of the things that are least likely to be drugged or laxatives or just more flour or something.  You grab a bunch of grapes, and pop one into your mouth.  It's perfect.  Not shitty and soft.  It's crisp, tart, sweet, and the best grape you've ever eaten in your entire life.  At least it was a green grape.  You don't think you could stomach anything purple right now, no matter how hungry you were.  Eyeing the rest of your food, your body cries out to you like a crowd of people watching Evil Dead, "NO DON'T GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE!  DON'T FUCKING GO INTO THE CELLAR!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST KILL THE BITCH THAT'S NOT YOUR SISTER!" but you are deaf to their warnings.  After gorging yourself on what is likely the most delicious single-course meal you've ever had in your life, you flop onto the dingy mattress.  It's springy and lumpy, but oddly comfortable.  Exhausted, you find yourself drifting off to sleep in a manner of minutes.

You wake up feeling absolutely fine.  It seems the food was just food.  You mull the implications of that around in your head for a bit.  You pass a few conclusions because they're completely asinine, and arrive to "That girl must be a lunatic."  Seems about right.  You step outside and- THEEEERE'S THE BUCKET OF WATER.  You're soaked.  Again.  God damnit.  You let out a sigh of exasperation, the bucket still on your head.  You feel a warmth at your back, and a squishy softness.  It feels good.  You know what those are.  You're positive you're blushing with enough heat to boil water, and can practically hear the whistle of a tea kettle.  However her arms are wrapped around you, trapping your arms at your side.  She's oddly strong.  Looks like you're at her mercy again.  "Lookin' good handsome.  Did you get a haircut for me~?" she says with a laugh.  She presses herself into you further.  It's getting really hot in this bucket.  "Did you like Dearest's cooking?  I even used the secret ingredient, just for you~"  No matter what the secret ingredient might be at this point, you don't even want to know what it is.  It's like she took educational courses in the field of specifically getting you extremely angry.  She is a master at her craft, but you're not in a position to let it show, given how firmly incapable of moving you are.  "Y-yeah.  It was delicious." you manage to stutter out of your throat through clenched teeth, hopefully without sounding too upset.  "Mm~, do you really mean it?"  You weren't actually lying to her.  It was great, and not just because it contrasted so hard with the rest of your day.  You accidentally put a small measure of warmth into your words.  "Yes, I really mean it.  It was all amazing.  I'm very impressed."  This prompts her to squeeze you even tighter, forcing the breath from your lungs.  She's pressed all the way against you now.  You briefly wonder how a creature this dispicable could be this soft.  "Ah~n, darling is so kind and courteous!  He really knows how to make a girl swoon!"  You notice she's lightly rocking you side to side while still keeping you in her vice grip.  God, this is worse than dancing with your mother.

"Can... can I have my pants back?"
"Mmm~ maybe.  What's the magic word?" she giggles.
You gulp.  This fuckin' cat you swear to god.  Steeling yourself, you rip the words out of your chest.  It's the most painful thing you've ever experienced.  "Can I... PLEASE have my pants back."  You don't manage to remove any of the venom from your words.  That would have made a baby cry.  You cringe at yourself.
"Weeeell, since you asked so nicely~"
what.  Every single thing she does just upsets you, even when it's helpful.  This is truly a vile beast.

She releases you from her embrace and shortly after you feel what is probably your pants in your hands.  You stumble through the process of putting them on, and offer an extremely forced "Thanks you." through your bucket.  "Of course, darling.  Aaanything you want."  She titters, and you yet again feel a breeze about your nether region, and feel her push you forwards, pants around your ankles.  You fall the 10 feet to the ground from the porch of the shack and bellyflop to the grass beneath.  Depantsed twice, in two days, by the same person.  It's gradeschool all over again.  "Aww, you silly!  You put them on backwards!" she cackles down at you.  You angrily remove the bucket and your pants, and right them, ready to yet again try to give her verbal and physical lashings aplenty, but as you look back up to the porch, she's disappeared.  That's not good.  But at least you've got your pants back.  Looking up at the sky, you identify northeast.  Sighing, you head on your way with the intent of finding the cliff face, getting out of this hell, making your delivery, and taking a long, long hiatus.

Walking back to your wall, with the intent of keeping it strictly on the left this time and not screwing up for anything stupid, you decide now is as good a time as any to have a flashback about your purpose here.  WHOOM.  Sepia tones.

"... Before we begin, I'd like to inform you that this job will change your life, my boy."  The old man seated across from you tapped the ash from his pipe.  "I only called you here because I have the utmost confidence in your skills.  No other courier this side of the mountain has walked the paths you've walked and come out unscathed."
"Thank you, sir.  I am not fit for your flattery."  You brownnose as hard as you can, scowling at yourself inwardly.  You can't afford to be your usual self here.  The man across from you is the magistrate of this town, the richest man in the region.  You receieved a letter a week ago from him, offering you a job that would pay for everything you could want and more should you succeed.  Naturally, you headed to his office as soon as you could.  Work had been scarce lately.  This was like a miracle.  A trip to the capital to pay for the rest of your life?  Easy.
"I trust you will not investigate the contents of this package, and will perform your duties admirably as always?"
"Absolutely, sir.  A courier job is delivery.  Nothing more, nothing less."
"Good boy."  He pulled a moderately sized parcel wrapped in brown paper, tied with grainy red string out from under his desk.  It's roughly the size of a breadbox.  Looks like he came prepared.  He glanced up at you, straight in the eye.  A casual gesture, but the look in his eye was sharp enough to split wood.  "Now, my boy.  Under no circumstances are you to tell anybody about this.  The fate of the world rests in your hands."
"Understood, sir.  Failure isn't even in my dictionary," you say with a debonaire hand gesture and a tip of your head.
"Excellent!  Now, off you go!"
"Uh, any chance I could get some... traveling expenses?"
"What, do think this is a charity?  Go!  Get out of here!  You're scuffing up my floors with your filth."
Filth?  Man, fuck rich people.  Whatever.  You were gonna be one soon.  Maybe you could be the one yelling at beggars to get out of his house in time.  And the magistrate didn't seem suspicious at all.  Things were just falling into your lap.  You tucked the parcel into your backpack and headed down the street to the gate.
Spending your last bit of gold hiring a stagecoach, you left town.  The man seemed trustworthy enough, if a little smelly and old.  You chatted with him briefly, before falling asleep as the carriage trundled along the rocky path...

FOOSH.  Colors.  Back in present times, you crack a smile, confident in the knowledge that once you complete this, you will never have to travel again.  You'll be able to live in the lap of luxury, drinking all of your problems away and lounging around until you die of old age.  And if you ever saw that fucking driver again you were gonna give him hell.  The smile is the big thing though.  It's relieving, you realize.  You feel like it's been too long, even though it's just been a couple days.  To your right you hear a shocked "Ooooh!" and look over in a panic.  Sure enough, she's there.  Leaning forward at a near right angle looking up at your face, with her paws clasped behind her back, taking big goofy steps.  It's pretty cute, you briefly think, before remembering just who she is.  You halt your march, and she follows suit.  "can you please just leave me alone?  I thank you for the meal, I truly do, but I have an important delivery to make.  And you're making that very, very difficult.  And annoying."  Wondering how long she's been following you today, you manage to keep your voice level.
"Mmmm~... Nope!"
"Why not?"
"'Cause you're fun." she says with that grin.  It's definitely an irritating grin, but it seems... honest.  Too honest, given the circumstances.
"You have -fun- tormenting me until my mind feels like it's going to break?"
"Eeeyup!  Not many people come through here.  Most who do give up or die for some reason or another,"  You think about mentioning her attempted drowning you, and knocking you off of that porch, and stealing your supplies and weapons, and scaring you half to death, and all of the other horrors she's visited upon you since your arrival, but she's already proven herself to be your superior in every way, so you decide to let her continue.  "But you!  You run and run and scream and scream but you just keep going!  It's so fun!  And you still smile like you did just now!  I'm happy I finally got to meet someone like you!"

That makes you -extremely- uncomfortable.  Lunatic indeed.  Still... This thing -likes- you?  She hasn't outright killed you, and she did provide that meal for you, but all she's done otherwise is make your life hell since you got here.  You begin mentioning that this isn't how you treat someone you like, it's how you treat someone you want to kill themselves, but she's nowhere to be found, and you hear laughter retreating back into the foliage.  Is she just fucking with you?  She's got to be.  It's all she's done.  With your umpteenth sigh, you continue your journey along the wall.

Time proceeds remarkably uneventfully, for now at least.  Every minute that goes by without you being annoyed only makes you nervous.  You reflect over this with the potential idea that maybe you lost her or something.  Thank fuck.  Breaking your train of thought, you hear groundshaking footsteps coming towards you from the foliage.  Buh oh.  You break into a run.  You hear the footsteps do it, too.  What a horrible noise.  This is the last thing you want.  You look behind you briefly and see two specs of red approaching fast from the trees.  Red isn't yellow.  Red isn't yellow at all.  This is definitely much more dangerous than that cat.  You sprint as fast as you can, closing your eyes, hoping it will all just go away, but it's not fast enough.  You feel a great weight slam into your back.  It's not very soft.  You kind of wish it was.

You open your eyes, and find yourself face down in the dirt.  Did you die again?  No.  The weight is still there.  Now the weight is talking to you.  It's very rude.  "Heh heh heh.  What d'we have 'ere?  Lost inna woods, boy?"  oh no.  Ohhh nooo.  "Though' I wouldn't find ya after ya sacked my home?"  Noooooooo.  The weight flips you over onto your back.  Above you looms a tall, green woman, with wild white hair, and a single long horn coming out of the right side of her head.  This must be that rude weight from earlier.  Turns out it was an ogre.  God damniiiit.  She leans her face very close to yours.  The alcohol is palpable on her breath.  You wager if you threw a match into her mouth she'd pop like a balloon.  Unfortunately, guess what you don't have handy.  Also that would probably kill you too.  "Well hon, don' worry, I'd be willin' to oberhook your sransgressions for a li'l somethin' somethin'," she says, with an alarmingly lewd smile.  Looking over her musclulature you discern that would be fatal.  Think fast.
"Uh-uhm.  You... Don't wanna do that."
"Wot?"
"It's bad."
"Ahhh, nah hon do'worry bout ish fine," she jumbles out, beginning your third depantsing in the last 24 hours.
"N-no I mean it.  It's bad.  Uh.  My cum.  It's bad."
She looks back at you with her glazed eyes "Eh?  Whuma mean?"  A strand of drool falls down onto your face, and she continues fumbling around with your trousers.
"It'll kill you.  I'm actually a secret weapon made by uh.  Wizards.  To fight monstergirls.  My cum will eat you from the inside out.  It's very unpleasant, I hear."
"Well them howma s'posed to make up make you for eating all m'food?"
Momo didn't make that for you?  Gh.  That cat.  Why does that bother you?
"bahhh isno worry.  I can hack it.  wizards ain't shit but tricks and... tricks."  She's actually managed to undo the buttons.  This looks grim.
"They were really powerful wizards.  Best in the land, y'know?  It also made it um.  Very... Not nourishing.  It's like tofu cum.  So this won't get you anything.  I'm afraid I am just currently not in a state to properly make up for my crimes, so all I can offer is my deepest, most profound apologies."
"Why'd they go an do boffa those?  Wizards're too smart t'do somethin' like at.  Are you tryna fool me, boy?"
Shit.  She might not be able to see straight, but she can see straight through you.  Your pants are halfway down and she's pawing around trying to find your dick.  Luckily, fear has hidden it well.
"Uh.  Yes.  Like you said wizards are tricky.  I am a wizard, you know."
"A wizard, really?" she backs off a bit, a slight hint of fear in her unfocused eyes.
"Yes!  A really powerful wizard, actually!  The strongest!  So you'd better back off or I'll... Blast you with lightning!"
"Waaaaaaidaminnit.  If you was such a poffer... powfluh... strong wizard how come you didn't just do that inna first place?"
"Let it not be said that I am an unkind man.  I gave you fair warning."
"Yer full of it." she says with a snarl.  "Now shaddap and copopperate"
"No."
"No?" she stops momentarily and looks at you.
"Yeah.  You heard me.  No."
"But-"
"I said no and that's final!  I have a headache, so I don't feel like it."
"Awwww come on.  You never wanna do this anymore."
You wonder where she got the "anymore" from.
"Absolutely not.  In fact, I think I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight."  She starts shaking and tearing up a little.  You feel a little bad, but are thankful nonetheless, and take this opportunity to try to slide out from under her.  Unfortunately she has other ideas.  Wrapping her arms around you, she starts bawling into your chest.  Her hug is crushing you, you feel your ribs creak.  This is just not fine at all.
"An now yer tryna leave me again!  Whydya always gotta walk ouddon me!" she descends into wordless bawling.  Escape is impossible.  You're going to die here, after breaking this girl's heart for who knows how many times.  Man, you're a real dick.  As embarassing as this whole ordeal is, your conscience as a man forces you to pat the back of her head comfortingly.
"There, there.  Don't worry.  There are plenty of other fish in the sea."
"But those fish suck!  I don't even like fish!"  Her grip on you tightens.  You hear an unpleasant cracking noise.  She's going to crush you.

Suddenly, a floating moonshine jug appears above you both.  What?  The ogre stops her shaking, and smells the air.  Her pupils shrink, like a shark who just got a whiff of delicious, delicious blood.  Her grip on you loosens.  Her eyes are hooked on the jug.  It moves side to side, up and down.  Her head follows it everywhere it goes.  Suddenly, she makes her move, diving for it.  You are freed, and take this moment to crawl backwards away, your eyes fixed on the situation at hand, your back to the wall.  She chases the jug around like a cat chasing whatever a laser pointer is for a while, before it sails off into the forest.  She sprints after it, leaving you dazed and alone against the cliff wall.

Oh wait.  You're stupid.  You feel a softer, less unpleasant weight on your lap and you-know-who appears.  You don't know if this is better or worse than the ogre.  Voldemort- no, Momo gives you that big ol' friendly-chummy-chum smiles she always has that you loathe seeing so much.  "Don't worry, princess!  Your heroic knight will always be here to save you in your darkest hour!"  You groan.  It's definitely worse.  I mean, she saved you from certain death.  But this is worse.  "I think I deserve a reward, don't you~?"  She wraps her arms around you, puckers her lips cartoonishly, and begins moving in.  This is the last thing you think she deserves.  You manage to free your arms and brace them against the wall, keeping her face at bay.  Holding as fast as you can, she's still getting closer.  This is it.  This is going to be the end.  You didn't know a lot of people, you never got with your childhood crush, and you hadn't spoken to your mother in years, but it was a nice life.  You were going to miss it.  Death loomed inches away.  You gird your loins and brace for sweet release.

Perhaps in deference to your resistance, she tumbles backwards off of your lap, acting as though you managed to actually shove her off.  She crosses her arms and pouts.  Cute-no it fucking isn't stop that.  Still.  She did just save your sorry ass.  You stand up, dust yourself off, and offer her a hand to stand up.  She ignores it, pouting with the force of a thousand childred denied their favorite PB&J.  Difficult.  You feel kind of bad.  What is it about this girl that does this, anyway?  She's an irritant.
You look off to the side and scratch your head.  "Hey... Thanks."  You actually manage to say it without spitting up any bile at all.  And you didn't even try.  You feel pretty proud of that.
"Hmph."  Christ.
"So... You didn't make that food last night after all, did you?  That was that ogre's?"
"No.  I did.  What kind of dingus would prepare a meal like that and just walk out?  I just used her stuff."
So it was her cooking, at least.  That's good.  Your expression softens.  Why?  Whatever.
She notices it and gives you that goddamn smirk again.  "Ehehe, that makes you happy, does it?  It's always nice for a girl to know she can control her man with her cooking~"
That pisses you off all over again.  "No.  What gives you that idea?  It just makes me wonder if you did something to it again.  If it were that ogre's I'd at least know I'm safe."  You're really bad at this.
She just giggles  "Hahah, he's so cuuute~" and disappears.  You feel a wetness on the side of your face and hear a noise you wish didn't even exist.  That fuckin' cat just kissed you on the cheek.  You snarl and throw a blind punch, finding nothing.  You feel something soft press into your opposite hand.  A pair of black, lacy panties and a note saying "Use these all you like! <3 Momo XOXO"  Again with the "i" dotted with a heart.  You growl and throw them to the ground.  The forest responds by laughing at you.  You stomp indignantly away, following the wall again.  You can't wait to be done with this girl.

Mercifully, the next few hours pass quietly.  After walking til it feels like your legs are gonna fall off, the trees finally part ways with the cliff, and the cliff gets shorter and shorter as the mountain path reaches the plains of the capital.  You did it.  You made it.  You're finally out of there.  No more cats, no more ogres, no more horror shows.  It's done.  The walls are a scant half mile away.  Your face splits in a huge, dopey grin.  Freedom.  You think you hear the tinkling of a bell, but cast the thought aside and sprint towards the gates.  The men standing guard give you a thrice-over.  You're dirty, bruised, covered in cuts, smell like sweat and cat, but they discern that you're a harmless vagrant.

This is it.  Paradise starts now.  The world is your oyster.  You rush through the streets, looking for the address the magistrate gave you what feels like years ago.  You arrive and hammer on the door, "Courier delivery, at your service!"  An old woman opens the door, looks you over, and gasps abhorrently.  "Goodness gracious, you look a mess!"
"Yeah yeah.  It's a long story."
"I trust you have the package?"
"Yeah, of course it's right here."  You reach to your back, remove your pack, and... Wait.  No you don't.  You left that thing behind when that fucking cat replaced your water with flour.
The old woman tilts her head.  "Well?  Where is it, boy?"
You can't answer her.  You're frozen in place.  You can hear your heart beating faster and faster, louder and louder in your head.  Finally it all breaks.  You roar to the heavens, as if a god was ripping the air from your chest.  Not even words.  Just incoherent, frothing rage.  The old woman shrieks and closes her door, but you don't care.  You sprint through the streets, terrifying passers-by, traumitizing children, and generally looking like an insane buffoon.  Eventually, your voice run hoarse, the guards apprehend you, tell you to shut the fuck up, and throw you in a cell.

You can do nothing but genuflect in your prison.  You had no money to pay for a bail, you know nobody here, and have nothing to show for your troubles.  You just sit there, wordlessly staring at the floor.  This is all that cat's fault.  No.  It's all your fault.  You could have just taken the high road and avoided your spill into the forest.  You weren't on a time limit.  You just wanted to get the job done as fast as possible so you could live your life of luxury.  God, you're so stupid.  This is what you deserve.  You fucked up so many times, this became unavoidable.

Interrupting your inward angsting, you hear a jingling, but don't respond.  You don't even respond when you hear the clanging of a cell door opening.  You do pay attention when you hear a chuckle, though.  You don't even bother looking up.  "Don't worry, princess!  Your-" "Shut up."

Silence.

She actually shut up.  You actually got her to stop.  Shocked, you finally look up.  She looks... crestfallen.  Her ears are drooping, and she's frowning.  That looks so wrong.  You went too far.  This girl isn't supposed to frown.  That's your job.  She can't take that from you.  You stand up, and for the first time you wrap your arms around her.  "I'm sorry.  What I meant to say was 'thank you.'  Again.  You always show up when I least want it, and when I most need it."  She still hasn't said anything.  You pull back, and look at her face.  Her ears have returned to their perky upright position, and her eyes and mouth are wide open.  She looks baffled.  You take her job and smile down at her.

To your relief, her face returns to its natural grin, and she dives into you with a ribcracker of a hug.  You actually return it this time.  It's... nice.  You've never done this before, you realize.  Her hair smells of mint and grape.   She's just as soft and warm as every other time she's bothered you.  After a few minutes, she breaks away from you with an excited look on her face.  "Hey so guess what I've got~!"  She pulls your pack out from some special cheshire hammerspace.  You look at her in shock.  "I tried to tell you earlier, but you were busy running around screaming at people.  I don't know what's special about it but it must be something, because even I never got you that mad!"

She hands it to you, and you open it up.  The package is there.  It seems undamaged.  You look back and forth between it and her a couple times, and she looks at you quizzically.  "Do I... Do I get a reward?"  Imagining yourself swimming around in a pool full of gold coins, you absentmindedly nod your head "yes," unaware of the repercussions.  A shrieking purple ball slams into you, knocking you to the hard floor of the cell.  Her face is barely an inch from yours.  Your heart skips a beat, killing you instantly.

Just kidding. Her golden eyes are open wide, staring directly into yours.  She's heavily breathing through her mouth, with a smile taking up a good half of her face.  Her hot breath tickles your face, but your eyes are locked with hers.  Even before you'd noticed how striking they are, but at this distance in these circumstances you're hooked.  They aren't just gold.  Reds, blues, greens, all swirling together in a smorgasbord of color.  They're crystal clear, and hypnotic.  But now they're closed, and her mouth locks with yours before you realize it.

At first, it was kind of onesided.  It just made you think.  Thinking all about this girl and the past couple days, you realized you were a gigantic asshole.  Her (mostly) harmless pranks were all just in the name of fun.  Fun at your expense, but all good fun is at someone's.  Why she chose you for them was readily apparent, reflecting on some of your previous conversations and obviously your current situation.  She just liked you, and a prankster was what she was.  That's how she has fun with people.  The why of her feelings, however, is not readily apparent.  You feel undeserving.  But it was what it was.  She's so... innocent and sweet.  And she evidently really, raelly likes you.  Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to at least indulge her.  She's a much better person than you could ever be.  As you think this, you start returning her affections.  After a few minutes in the ball o' passion, you break it off.  She looks satisfied, and rests her head on your chest.  You scratch her behind the ears.  Your tsun has melted, and you're okay with that.

"So Momo.  Have you ever wanted to be filthy rich?"
She looks at you, smiles, gives you a squeeze, and says "But I already am."  God, that's lethal.  Still, you have a job, and you're gonna do it.  The pair of you get up, and hand in paw walk out of the holding room.  You look around the prison antechamber and note the guards suffering from various crippling humiliations.  There's a guy with a pie pan attached to his face passed out on the ground in a puddle of cream.  One has his boxers pulled up over his face from the back of his head and is flopping around pitifully trying to free himself.  A third seems to have fallen into a pitfall trap, in his own workplace.  You make a mental note that this woman is even more horrifying than you initially thought, pat her on the head, and walk out into the streets towards the recipient's house.

***
You wake up the next morning in a bed that was not actually as posh and comfortable as you would have liked, but the face of your new companion makes you rethink that.  Your back might ache, but you've never felt so satisfied with your life before.  Looking at her sleeping face, you think about the events of last night.  Naturally, guards identified you immediately as soon as you hit the streets.  Running full pelt to that old bat's doorstep, Momo dealt with at least five other armed and armored peacekeepers in her own ways.  It just so happens that these ways were not particularly good for the architecture of the city.  You finally reached the dropoff point, hammered at the door, and presented the package to the old woman.  She was appalled at your reappearance and seemed absolutely terrified of your present company.  It took a fair share of convincing for her to pay you for the job you did, which was pretty bullshit.  But her fear of the pair in front of her caused her to buckle, and fortunately she handed it over.

Unfortunately, when you exited her house, the two of you were detained.  After using the reward money to pay for both bails, all of the structural damages, and the discomforts of the affected citizens, you were left with scant enough for a week of moderate comfort, and the capital was an expensive place to live.

All in all, pretty hilarious, you think.  You sure feel like you've changed, and for the better.  You laugh out loud.  This causes Momo to stir, eventually waking up with a yawn.  She looks at you with that fucking shiteating grin.  "Mission complete~" she says, and pulls you herself in for a hug.  You're a little confused, but you return her hug anyway.
"Welp, we can't stay like this for long," you say.  "We've got work to do."
"Mmm~, do we have to? As long as I'm with you I suppose I don't mind."
"It's no big deal.  Last night, I got a letter from a different magistrate.  It's an easy job, and once we get it done we'll be set for life!"


Credit roll time!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Td4oETPaUI

         Special Thanks

              /a/

That one guy who said it was fine,
     just rewrite the ending

	   Manticores

	 Cheshire Cats

	   Real cats

	 Maker's Mark