AFMBE 1 to 5

Session 1

I can't be bothered to remember names but the group members at the start were:
Twitchy Brawl Guy(TBG) – His first reaction to the zombies was basically getting panicked and punching everything in self defense, 3 people got knocked down, only one was a zombie, this was his intro. Genuinely worried about his friend, he takes him to the hospital, the guy is a monster in close combat.
Bridezilla – Her wedding was crashed by a zombie, the priest (another player who quit after the first session, later played by the GM) panicked and ran away, she had her groom and father take care of it, both got hurt pretty badly, so she had to take care of it so they go to the hospital.
Broseph – Had been on a bender and woke up with a hangover and decides to exit the campus grounds to get himself some pizza, is generally pretty perceptive but thought the guy at the gate was drunk and not a zombie, gets bit and gets out of the zombie's grapple, goes to the hospital after trying to disinfect his wounds with smirnoff.

All of us meet at the hospital where the priest goes down to the mourge to bless the souls of the recently dead (an accident occured a day prior, lots of people died), Broseph shares his smirnoff with TBG, meanwhile at the mourge the dead starts to rise while the priest is blessing their souls, he calls down one of the workers who instantly gets himself killed, priest guy escapes and starts warning everybody, nobody listens to him but us, then convenient news(tm) starts playing, priest guy takes this chance to lead his flock to the church while we get ourselves an ambulance for the groom of Bridezilla, Bridezilla makes her way home before going to the church, to get her stuff and fire her maid who Broseph immediately tries to hit on, this is interrupted though, by the pack of undead dogs rushing towards our location TBG oneshots every single one of them. We then make our way to the church	, where we would later be accosted by zombie cows and of course, other zombies. We make our way to the roof as the zombies break down the doors, after which a military helicopter appears and shoots some down, they take the survivors in the worst condition with them and leaves some of their own guys, end session 1.


Session 2
Starting where we left off we decide to wait for the heli to come back for more of us, the army guys says it should only be some hours, and, in a twist surprising no-one, they don't, and zombie rats are making their way to the roof, Bridezilla jumps to the next roof with a rope and TBG holds it by the other end, everyone makes their way across, although TBG barely does due to RATS EVERYWHERE, he shakes them off though and the lot of us discuss where to go next, we decide to go to the highest building in this shit-ass town where there should also be cars in case we need them.

The army guys, being fuckasses, decide to put basically all their firepower in the front, the one guy at the back gets himself killed in spite of TBGs valiant efforts to kill the undead dogs tearing the guy to shreds, TBG accidentally kicks himself in the leg during the fight, breaking it, Broseph would assist his walking after taking the army guys grenade launcher mounted assault rifle and radio(while giving TBG the gun), anyway, the lot of us get to the roof and the surviving army guys want to check the garage of the building, we keep our contact through the radio and hear them get horribly slaughtered, a few minutes too late, Broseph realizes that he can use the grenade launcher to lead the zombies away as they react to sounds, we lead the whole group to the now empty garage, or almost empty that is.

There's some skinny-ass zombie hanging by the roof that we later found out is basically invincible(250 damage to the head and not a single fuck was given), it retreats though, so we try to hotwire some cars, carefully splitting up the survivors amongst ourselves, the superzombie reappears and kills a random guy and we get the fuck out at maximum fucking speed. Bridezilla had been meaning to go to a cabin a few hours away after the marriage, so we decide to go there, but not before stopping at a gas station to stock up on supplies, where the fucking asshole superzombie reappears  by TBG's car, he wrestles it, getting even more horribly wounded and one of his arms are rendered useless while punching the zombie for massive damage, surprisingly it was much easier just pulling it's head off, we burn the body which actually kills it, TBG rips off the jaw and the skin left on the head and uses what's left of the zombie as a trophy around his neck then looking proud as fuck. He gets some medical attention and then we're off again.

We arrive at the cabin and make ourselves at home, get ourselves some coffee and watch some fucking tv, we find a satellite phone and decide to contact the army and ask for extraction, they don't come, we call again, no-one at that number, blah blah, they're going to get to our location by helicopter in 48 hours, we keep contact so both parties will know that the other one's not dead, you know, for everyone's safety.

They get annoyed and starts threatening us(WTF?!), which is fucking stupid and unprofessional, we tell the guy at the phone to stop being an asshole and we keep contacting them regularly, until it gets foggy outside and zombies start appearing, human zombies, in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, atleast 3 hours from any other road or house, yeah.


Remember the location, good, because the zombies are fucking 7-feet vikings smack-dab in the middle of the fucking United States of America, what the fucking fuck, TBG kills them and takes their gear, we make our way to the main roads where we meet a military convoy, end session 2

Session 3
The lot of us rest and recuperate for a month after which we're trained for another month, apparently the army expects us to investigate the reason behind the outbreak, without any backup whatsoever, because we "know the area", I won't bother you with the details but we find out that some megacompany owns the truck that the virus was in, the GM explains the zombie Vikings through the priest in the dumbest way possible, Broseph refuses to believe in it on that account.

Bridezilla contacts the army and relays the information whereafter they tell her that their main building is only a few miles away and that we're supposed to go there and investigate. This is the place where we'd meet the shittiest AI ever, after unlocking access with a series of passwords related to artists and some fleshy amulet, apparently some german guy named gottfried runs the company, they'd researched bioweapons in the fifties but had to stop for ethical reasons (lolnope).

Now to the AI, the AI didn't know shit, after a dumb argument where we finally gain access to the lab where it told us it had detected lifesigns, and it wouldn't let us out either until we found out whatever it was(and it wouldn't give us access), we also have access to the VAST(not vast) info on company projects, turns out that one of the few things the AI knew was how to say "I do not know".

Aaaanyway, we walk through the wholly white corridor that was the lab, the AI tells us that it's detecting movements right behind us, we can't see anything behind us but TBG feels something, and he grabs the invisible creature, which seems to be liquid, which he tears apart, as well as you can tear liquid that is, then he walks away, the creature attacks TBG, who runs away as Broseph, Bridezilla and the priest unleash the hellish fury of a grenade barrage, as the dust settles we can actually spot the creature, soon after, the AI informs us that it's analysis is complete, the creature is weak to heat (IE the fucking grenades we just shot it with(Broseph shakingly rests the gun on his temple)), we make our way towards the room where the lifesigns are supposed to be whilst being chased by the creature.

The door turns out to be locked, great, fucking great, we blast the creature again and make our way to the security station that the AI neglected to tell us about, of course, we were also told that the door we wanted to go through in the first place was locked when we fucking got there.

So we get to the security station and close the door behind us, we have about a minute before the creature gets in, the AI tells us that we can disable lab's security just by ripping out some cables, now let that sink in.

Broseph realizes that the group could probably rip off one of the arms of the jackets the group had recieved and then set fire to it to box the creature to death, TBG follows suit, crisis fucking averted.

We go back the room we initially tried to reach, where, of course the old german guy resides, he won't talk, Broseph, just as tired of this bullshit as everyone else up and tells the german that he'll fucking shoot him if he doesn't spill it, he goes on about how he purposefully spread the virus.

Broseph announces that he's shooting the motherfucker.

Plot device time! Weske....I mean gottfried produces a syringe out of fucking nowhere, TBG punches is out of his hand(Plot interrupted) while Broseph and Bridezilla turns him into swiss cheese.

However, you can bet your ass it's not over, because the fucking shit that was in the syringe TBG punched across the room beelines for the Weske...I mean Gottfried, Wesker basically turns into Wesker, Bro And Bride use their last grenades, his blood is fucking everywhere and he regenerates at the speed of plot armor.

Bro suggests that TBG should bite Gottfried, this fails as he rolls a perfect dodge.

Then Bride got Gottfrieds blood on her(By her own volition) and goes into BLUH BLUH HUGE BITCH mode and proceeds to beat the shit out of Weskfried, Bro and TBG try the same thing but both pass out from the pain, the Bride continues her beatdown on Weskfried until the plot demands that he escapes, which he does.

We upload the AI into a GPS and make our leave as the military arrives, end session 3





Session 4

Assuming that Bridezilla stayed in the army the GM forces her go to on a mission (yet again unaided) to find clues about the some monastery that the amulet is connected to in germany, TBG only gets in because Bridezilla puts in a good word for him(the fuck?), Broseph fucks off somewhere else because the army is shit.

TBG and Bridezilla go to the monastery that's supposedly connected to the cult to investigate wether they're members or not, nothing of importance really happens until nightfall when Bridezilla  goes to investigate and TBG is seduced by a nun who wants to fuck him all night, which he doesn't get any input in.

Bridezilla then finds some sort of sacrificial altar and then all the nuns were monsters and TBG kills the one he's currently boning, all hell breaks loose while they're escaping and TBG does what he does best.

The head nun shows up and apparently she's got 4 arms(which gives her 4 free attacks), TBG bashes her legs in and they continue their escape.

The nuns basically fly like mist towards the duo while they snipe motocrossers, they're a good distance away from the crowd now, and then the head nun reappears, this time with three sets of bodies, end session 4



Session 5

Battling the head nun for the second time TBG and the bride deliver a beatdown to it, which yet again ends with TBG making a trophy out of the skull of his enemy and taking the spine as a belt, TBG walks the bride away from the battleground as she broke her leg, then the "corpse" reanimates, Weskfried saves their asses and takes away all of TBG's trophies (which he'd had a negative attitude to since the first one).

Weskfried then lifts the both of them up and brings them to his car, telling them that he'd saved them, gives them some rapedrug healhvials to regenerate the damage, they both fall asleep.

Hours later, Bridezilla and TBG wakes up, barely clothed, both of them find their equipment in a locker and starts shouting bloody murder.

Meanwhile, Broseph, who decided to not join the army because of the whole "barely trained people on a mission without support left to their deaths"-fiasco hears them both in the next room, he asks what the fuck the bride and TBG are doing there, they ask the same question to which he answers that he'd rather take money than dying slowly and horribly at the hands of Weskfried, he'd rather shoot himself and have it over with painlessly.

The party makes their way to wherever Weskfried is supposed to be, and through the personell they pass, they find out that they're on the fucking north pole.

Jesus Christ what the fuck.

Eventually though, they meet with Weskfried and he tells them the whole story, first of, he didn't cause the accident, the cult did, he lied, because, and I quote "You weren't ready for the truth", that the thing at the temple was all A TEST by the cult, which the group failed, that the cult was in fact over 5000 years old, dating back to babylonian times, and that the virus was in fact an effort to get
stronger than the cult. The group totally called him on all of this.

However, we did not call him on using dark matter as FUKKEN MAGIC AINT GONNA EXPLAIN SHIT.

Moving on.

He then tells us that we have to go back, BACK IN TIME to find out how the cult began, telling us that we shouldn't shange anything (while intending to send us back in full gear, these guys must be some kind of society of fucking supergeniuses) and giving us about 5 minutes to learn the language because it was motherfucking imperative that we did go back right fucking now.

This is where we meet the merc, he's......special, he doesn't understand the system in spite of how fucking simple it is and he can't understand basic english, he tries to be macho and threatens the party(failing horribly) while we somehow come to discuss wether he's a homosexual or not, telling him it's okay if he is.

Also, apparently the time machine can only be used twice because of how much energy it uses (great thinking placing it on the motherfucking north pole fuckasses).

Anyway, the party goes back in time, but all our gear is gone, Broseph takes a piss and the others scouts for the nearest village, we walk in, confident in our bodies and an elder tries to communicate with us, they give us clothes and we learn the language whilst Broseph still isn't successful in comitting retroactive incest (bandname fucking stolen*), there's a trading caravan headed towards Uruk after our third week in the village, we follow them there and split up in the city, searching for clues, TBG beats up beggars, Broseph succeeds in becoming his own ancestor, merc does some stupid inane shit and bridezilla actually searches for clues while trying to get a weapon, trying to get some random guy tanked to steal his sword while she herself remains sober, she is caught in the act though and the guy tries to cut off her hand for being a thief, some scarified chick saves her (Yes, it's a dmpc) and she gets away with the sword.

The group meets again at sundown and we try to meet a priest in one of the temples, asking for info about the cult and amulet, apparently the king has a similiar one, we excuse ourselves and the priest asks Bridezilla about her sword, she tells him she got it from a friend, it is in fact a sword of the royal guard, who are exclusively male, though he doesn't throw his shit.

Then, in a short discussion unrelated to the sword he finds out that Bridezilla saw "The scarred one", just fucking saw.

Now he throws his shit.

"THEY'RE ALLIES OF THE SCARRED ONE, GUARDS GUARDS"

We fucking leg it.

Broseph spots a high window the group can escape through and TBG boosts everyone there and then goes through it himself, the guards chase us until we run into a dead end.

Now, this dead end, which is just a fucking straight one, which we, with ricicolous fucking perception checks still fail to see it for what it is. We argue until he shouts plot device.

The DMPC lets down a rope from the roof, and then does what a DMPC usually does.

There's a trail of dead guards and we leave by way of fucking horseback, end session 5.