Dr. Soos' /v/

Every board down on 4chan liked vidya a lot

But /v/, who despised console gaming, did not!

Oh, /v/ hated vidya! The consoles and games!

Now please, don't ask why, for no one can quite say.

It could be that his neckbeard was one inch too long

It could be, perhaps, the small size of his dong

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May be that he ne'er left his basement at all.

But, whatever the reason, his beard or his dick

He railed against vidya but played not a lick.

Staring at his computer with an elitist frown

at the gay console peasants whose posts did abound.

For he knew every faggot who posted a thread

Was an underaged scrub who should be in bed.

“And they play ME3!” he snarled and he spit.

“The first game was better, now Bioware's shit!”

Then he drummed his keyboard, fingers nervously tapping

“I should just leave /v/ and go back to my fapping!”

But he couldn't, he knew – for if he would depart

He'd still hear those morons call Braid and Fez “art”.

There'd be mention of Gabe.

Oh, that Gabe, Gabe, Gabe, GABE!

That's the one man he hated! Oh, that Gabe, Gabe, Gabe, GABE!

Then the tripfags galore would >imply they were right

And they'd fight, and they'd fight, and they'd fight, Fight, Fight, FIGHT!

They would ruin all threads with their cancerous blight.

That was one thing that kept /v/ enraged day and night!

And THEN, they'd do something he liked least of all.

Every /v/irgin on 4chan, the tall and the small,

Would post all of their Steam accounts, name by name

and, grossly entitled, all beg for a game.

And they'd beg, and they'd beg, and they'd Beg Beg Beg BEG!

And the more that /v/ thought, the more his ass got sore

And then /v/ decided “I must fix this shit board!”

“For most of my 30's I've dealt with this now...”

“I must stop the /v/irgins from liking things! ...how?”

Then he got an idea

An AWFUL idea

Old /v/ got a wonderful, awful, idea!

“I know just what to do!” he guffawed in his throat

“I'll summon the mods and I'll tell them to vote.”

And he chuckled and chuckled, still forming his trick

“All these tryhards on /v/ will be banned with a click!”

“All I need is a reason...” then /v/ looked around

But since threads were on topic there was none to be found.

But did that stop /v/? No! For he simply said

“There's no reason to ban them? I'll make one instead!”

So he called up EA, then he showed them a thread

Where people drew dicks on Riccitiello's head.

EA called up their lawyers, and contacted Moot

And then promptly filed a harassment law suit.

Poor Moot had no choice but to lay down the law

And appointed the mods to start picking /v/ raw.

While /v/irgins kept to their Dragon Dildos threads

The whole rules of /v/ quickly turned on their head.

There was to be no mention of all EA games.

Soon, Ubi and Acti were ruled quite the same.

Nintendo and Sony were the next ones to fall

Until there was not much more vidya at all.

And the only discussion left after the fact

was Kinect. And no one gave two shits about that.

As /v/ watched, he cackled, his many chins flailing

“They're all realizing now that the industry's failing!”

“And when consoles dry up, I know just what they'll do.”

“They'll run back to League and they'll all cry 'boo hoo!'”

“That's a thread” chortled /v/, “that I simply must see,”

But as he pressed F5 continuously

He noticed a trend in the threads forming slow.

It started in low.

And it started to grow!

But the sound wasn't empty, it sounded quite mad!

Every /v/irgin on /v/, with no games and no fads

Continued their bitching! /v/ scratched his jewfro.

“This rustles my jimmies! How could it be so?!”

“It came without Blizzard, no Bethesda, too!”

“No Orbis, Durango, no fucking Wii U!”

/v/ puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.

But then /v/ realized something he hadn't before.

Maybe /v/irgins, he thought, didn't need games to bitch.

“These retards will fight over anything...shit!”

/v/ threw up his hands and gave up on the matter.

The lawsuits abated, the mods left right after.

And what happened then? Well, on /tg/ they say

That /v/ finally logged off his PC that day.

















And he...


...played Modern Warfare 3.