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- >Be anon
- >Handsome, rugged individual that enjoys life outdoors
- >just kidding, you’re a nerd
- >You’re finally done for the day, so you’re stashing a bunch of your notebooks
- >Normally you would bring them home with you, but girls in this country are fucking weird
- >They act…differently
- >doesn’t help that they outnumber guys three to one.
- >Or 2.95 to 1.20
- >You actually did the math.
- >And the guys…well, the less said about them, the better.
- >At least you’re rich enough not have to hang at Canterlot High
- >Apparently they get really high on acid and see technicolor pones and demons from other dimensions.
- >Fucking weirdos
- >”Hey Anon. I see you’re about to go home.”
- >It’s Twilight.
- >She’s actually pretty cool. You don’t think she’s actually interested in guys.
- >Or girls.
- >You know this because she doesn’t act like the other girls around you at this weird-ass school.
- “Pretty much, yeah.”
- >”Listen, Anon, you play Ogres and Oubliettes, right?”
- “Yeah…?”
- >Usually mentioning this around girls at your old school put them off.
- >So you didn’t say anything about it here.
- >But Twi figured things out.
- >You once watched her figure out what you had for breakfast from a stain on your shirt.
- >Pretty impressive considering it was hotpockets rolled in doritos dust and drenched in cheese.
- >Truly, she is an ingenious detective.
- >And you thank /healthy/ every day for your fit body.
- >”I have a few study-buddies that would like to participate in a game. I lack the creative faculties to build a game on my own, so I decided to come to you.”
- “Why me?”
- >Twi rolls her eyes.
- >”Most of the girls here don’t appreciate a good game of Ogres and Oubliettes. And the guys wouldn’t touch this game with a ten-foot pole.”
- >Her eyes dart from you to elsewhere in a second.
- >”Not that you’re not a guy, but…you’re very rare. A guy who likes video games and O&O without vying for attention.”
- >You remember all the guys you’ve played tabletop games with.
- >All of the crusty, half-shaven dudes with no sense of moral hygiene.
- “N…not really, but whatever. Where is this game going to be?”
- >Twi looks up thoughtfully and taps her lip with a finger.
- >”We could do this at one of their houses but…”
- >She cringed.
- >”Let’s do it at mine. I can move out my current project from the basement for the time being.”
- >How strange.
- “Okay then. What’s you’re address?”
- >”1234 Fake Street.”
- >areyoufuckingserious.jpg
- “Seriously?”
- >”I’m aware of what the name makes it sound like. Trust me, it’s real.”
- >You checked your phone
- “Holy shit.”
- >”Yeah” Twilight sighs, “Absolutely ridiculous.”
- “More proof that civil engineers are psychopaths that don’t care how many lives they destroy.”
- >”You’re preaching to the choir, Anon. I hope to see you there tomorrow afternoon.”
- >She starts walking away, but stops.
- >”Oh, and I apologize in advance for their…behavior.”
- >Twilight finally walks away.
- >That wasn’t ominous at all.
- >Be Anon
- >Be in front of Twi’s house.
- >Still not sure if this entire district is just a big social experiment that you got sucked into.
- >Such is life in [COUNTRY NAME REDACTED].
- >You have your books, your board, and your dice.
- >And your ‘Fuck this player in particular’ dice.
- >Never know when you’re going to nix the shit out of a player.
- >You knock on the door and wait.
- >It’s answered by a pretty blue lady in an apron.
- >wait no
- >That’s a dude. Probably Twi’s dad.
- >There’s probably something in the water.
- >estrogenisgoodforyouright.png
- >”You must be Anon! And you’re a handsome young man to boot! No wonder Twilight and her friends wanted you to play their game with you. I’m Night Light, Twi’s father. Her mother’s away on editorial business.”
- “Nice to meet you…sir. Thank you for letting us play here.”
- >”And he’s polite! You must have girls beating each other with sticks to get to you.”
- >Yes.
- >Not nearly as fun as it sounds.
- >You smile and you walk right in.
- >You go where countless nerd had spent their lives out as wizards in all meanings of the word.
- >The basement.
- >And what a sight you beheld.
- >A bunch of electronic equipment was stashed in the corner.
- >There was even one of those boards with yarn connecting pictures.
- >illuminaticonfirmed.jpg
- >Twilight was there.
- >She actually looked uncomfortable.
- >Twilight.
- >Uncomfortable.
- >The girl who dissected a frog in thirty seconds with a plastic knife and several pencils.
- >The ominous feeling was growing.
- >The second you laid eyes on them you knew they were trouble.
- >Stereotypical nerds, the lot of them, in every shape of the word.
- >But at least they weren’t landwhales.
- >Come to think of it, you have seen 0 fat people since you came here.
- >A point in favor of government experimentation.
- >Twilight told you their names: Aria, Adiago, and Sonata.
- >You mentally vetoed those names and came up with Tryhard, Cheetos, and Bluequiet.
- >Tryhard’s a light purple girl with purple hair and green highlights.
- >From the second you walked in, she’d been bragging about how awesome she is, putting everyone else down at the same time.
- >Cheetos is yellow, with frizzy orange hair.
- >She’d been muttering about how you were only DMing for attention.
- >Bluequiet was blue. And quiet.
- >She seems to be scared to look you in the eyes.
- >Twilight gave you a look that simply said:
- >’I’m so sorry’
- >ignoring the rising sperg levels, you quickly set up shop.
- “Alright everyone, I hope you have your character sheets ready. Pass them over here so I can make sure they’re all good.”
- >Tryhard grabbed your hand and gently put in her character sheet.
- >chills
- >Cheetos threw a raggedy-ass crumpled paper at you, covered in Cheetos dust.
- >absolutelydisgusting.gif
- >Bluequiet meekly passed you her sheet.
- >And Twilight hers exactly in front of you.
- >Probably perfectly perpendicular to the table.
- >hooray for alliteration
- >Already you could see quite a few problems.
- >Apparently Tryhard tried hard to pull a fast one on you.
- >And Cheetos was just cheating.
- “Okay Tr-Aria, I see you went with a barbarian that doesn’t start out illiterate. Nice try. But Aria definitely tried to pull a fast one, because your dice rolls for your stats seem way too high to be normal, not to mention your paladin is Chaotic Neutral.”
- >”But did you read his backstory?”
- >You did.
- >The only way to make it cringier would be if her mount were some sort of black coated, red maned winged unicorn that could control the heavens.
- >Oh wait, that’s on the back.
- >You scribble it out and leave it as a normal warhorse.
- “The fact remains: paladins are always Lawful Good. Maybe you should be a fighter? Or a cleric?”
- >”You’re only doing this because you hate me!”
- >Red alert.
- “Tell you what, you can reroll your stats two more times, and either change your class or change your alignment.”
- >”Fine.” She huffs and crosses her arms. “I’ll be Lawful good.”
- >Twi is an interesting Lawful Neutral wizard.
- >Bluequiet ends up going for the Neutral Good Ranger.
- >Them and the Chaotic Neutral Barbarian plus the Lawful Good Paladin decked out in black and red armor seem to be a primarily offensive team.
- >On the eyes too.
- “Alright then. We’ll start the adventure in the good ol’ classic form: at the tavern. And no sulking in the corner Aria. You’re a paladin, have some decorum.”
- _____
- >A bearded wizard with a ridiculous hat walks into a bar accompanied by a goblin.
- >This is not the start of a joke, but a campaign.
- >There is a barbarian woman surrounded by tavern wenches.
- >These wenches have penises.
- >The elven ranger is quietly sipping a drink at the bar, her direwolf companion sitting on the stool beside her.
- >The direwolf is wearing a purple bowtie.
- >Bowties make everything better.
- >And a paladin is brooding in a dark corner, sipping ale. Her armor is a questionable design choice, but she wears it anyways.
- ______
- >”Typical guy, saying that.” Cheetos snarks.
- “Lady, anybody who has gone outside for more than two minutes at a time could tell you that black and red are terrible ideas.”
- >”Yeah, Aria, lay off the guy. He can’t help it.”
- >You should have brought extra shit-list dice.
- >At least Bluequiet doesn’t add any more to this tardfest.
- >She may not be able to look you in the eyes, and can only mumble when you’re in 10m of her.
- >But at least she’s manageable.
- >Back to the game.
- _______
- >The wizard gathers up the adventurers at a table where the goblin sits.
- ”’Ullo ‘eros, me name is Gatz. Oi fink you bruvs can see oim in a roight pickle.”
- >”I honestly don’t care, asshole.” The barbarian says.
- >The paladin decides to cleave-
- ____
- “You can’t do that. You’re lawful good, remember?”
- >”But he’s a goblin! They’re evil!”
- >She didn’t even cast Detect Evil
- “You didn’t even cast detect evil.”
- >Cheetos groans.
- >”How come Adiago could act like an ass?”
- >”Because she’s playing a Barbarian. A chaotic one at that.” Twilight answers.
- _____
- >The paladin casts detect evil and realizes she was an idiot for assuming the goblin was evil.
- >Maybe she should learn to not judge books by their covers.
- >Or goblins by their disgusting, pustule-covered, green faces.
- >’Cause Gatz was ugly as demon sin.
- >Gatz goes on to explain that his village had been conscripted unlawfully into a labor camp for an orc warlord.
- >The wizard decided to help because the orc didn’t fill out the proper forms to start a mining company.
- >The ranger joined in because not only was slavery bad, but the mining was ruining nearby forests.
- >The barbarian was about to blow Gatz off until the goblin told her that she could have some of the shiny metals and rocks they found.
- >The paladin had a strange urge to lop off the Gatz’s head, but decided that it wasn’t at all like him to do so.
- >Plus, orcs were evil, right?
- >The merry band gets on the road towards the internment camp.
- >On the road, they decide to actually introduce themselves to each other.
- >Chelsea the paladin was about to go on a long rant about her no doubt riveting backstory.
- >Before the gnomish wizard Tara butts in and introduced herself.
- _____
- >”Herself?” Tryhard smirks and pts your head. “Silly boy, you said he was bearded earlier.”
- >Jimmies check?
- >Semi-rustled. Lucky bitch has got a sperg handicap.
- >Luckily Twi saves you from wasting your breath on her.
- >”Actually Adiago, gnomes of both genders could grow beards, although if a female grows one, she gets -2 to charisma.”
- >”Why would you choose that?” Tryhard asks.
- >”+3 to frost resist, and +2 to fire resist.” Twilight shrugs.
- >Fair enough.
- ____
- >Surprisingly, the elven ranger stepped forward next and introduced herself as Beatrice.
- >Finally the barbarian, Amanda finished the casual meet and greet in the middle of the road.
- “Oim a might bit sorreh to interrupt ye gals, but some blokes are blockin’ owah road!”
- >There was indeed a pack of kobolds blocking the road.
- >They were just wearing loincloths, armed with pots and pans
- >The leader was dressed in nothing more than a hooded brown cloak, armed with a lantern and an obviously magical knife.
- >The party readied their arms.
- >Beatrice acts first and lets loose three arrows.
- >Very good early game perk.
- >One misses two hits. One in the knee another in the face.
- >”MY EYES!” One of the kobolds screams.
- >In a first move, Beatrice had blinded and crippled two of the ten kobolds.
- >Amanda rushes in and activates rage.
- >Two more down, plus the blinded one down for sure.
- >The cloaked kobold rushes forwards and stabs Amanda.
- >Ten damage.
- >Lucky break.
- >Amanda is down a quarter of her health in a second, so she wisely decides to back off.
- >Not before lopping off one more head in anger.
- >”Concentrate fire on the leader! He’s strong!”
- >youhavenoidea.jpg
- > Chelsea had been on the fringes of the kobald squad, rolling pretty decently.
- >Tara was firing magic missiles quite well.
- >Mr. Bowtie was pinning down kobolds so Beatrice could shoot them.
- >All at once, they turn their attention to the cloaked kobold.
- >They were unlucky, because projectiles kept missing.
- >Chelsea leapt in front of it and delivered a solid slice to its abdomen.
- >The kobold counter attacked.
- ____
- >You looked over your dice.
- >”Well? What are you waiting for? For some girl to step in and do the calculations for you?” Cheetos sneered.
- >You were trying to figure out if it was too early for your obsidian dice.
- >Apparently, it wasn’t.
- >Roll.
- “Hmmm.”
- >”What?”
- >You’re starting to hate that voice.
- >You could saw an aircraft carrier in half with the murder-boner you were sporting.
- “Roll a die.”
- >Cheetos huffs, but complies.
- “How tall is your character?”
- >”What does that have to do with anything?”
- “Just tell me.”
- >“Six-foot six.”
- >notusingmetric.jpg
- >wishfullfillmentmuch.png
- “Ooooooh.”
- >”What? What is it?!”
- “Good news, bad news, and good news.”
- >”So?!”
- “Okay, you live, with 2HP left. Thank goodness for your blessed armor.”
- >”THAT’s the good news?” Cheetos rages.
- “The magical knife has a random damage. It could do practically zero damage or thousands of hit points. There’s a warm up period so the first hit is actually based on the victim’s total health. I sort of expected you guys to eventually hit it with projectiles. Anyways, I calculated your size compared to the kobold’s size and found…well, Chelsea can’t bear children anymore.”
- >”WHAT!” Cheetos screamed.
- >Sympathy wince from the girls.
- >Yup, it went right went up the vagoo and tore up her insides.
- >Thank goodness Cheetos has a short person complex else she’d have been disemboweled.
- >But wait!
- >There’s more!
- “On the bright side, paladins rarely get laid, so there was very little chance of Chelsea using it.”
- >Oh look, Cheetos is turning red.
- >Is she Spicy Cheetos or Doritos now?
- >”What the fuck is your problem!? Do you have some sort of personal vendetta against me?!”
- >Getting there.
- >”Are you some kind of faggot, or can you not bear to be in a room with someone who’s intellectually superior?!”
- >Okay, wow.
- >”You useless sack of--”
- “ENOUGH!”
- >You slam your hand on the table.
- “YOU CONCEITED BITCH, JUST THINK FOR A MOMENT BEFORE YOU START BLAMING EVERYONE BUT YOURSELF. FUCKING THINK WITH THAT ’SUPERIOR INTELLECT’ OF YOURS! THIS ISN’T THE DAMN MENSA CIRCLEJERKING COMPETITONS, IT’S A FUCKING GAME, SO FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, ACT LIKE IT, YOU DREADFUL CUNT!”
- >Utter silence.
- >You sit back down and rub your forehead.
- >Deep breaths.
- “I’m sorry for losing my temper, we’ve been going for a while now. Let’s finish this session before it’s morning.”
- >You look around and see Twi giving you a sympathetic expression.
- >Bluequiet seems to be red in the face, her hands under the table.
- >You probably scared her, poor girl.
- >Tryhard was looking away, muttering about ‘male hormones’.
- >Spicy Cheetos was now regular Cheetos again, grinding her teeth s she looked you in the eyes defiantly.
- “Alright!”
- >You clap your hands together, attempting to dispel the awkward atmosphere.
- “Twilight, it’s your turn.”
- >“I suppose I’ll finish this quickly with the ‘Gravity Shift’ spell.”
- >She rolls and sighs.
- >”Fuck, a ten. Everybody roll for bracing.”
- “Counting the damage, the kobolds are done for even if you guys fail these rolls. If you get ten or higher, no damage. Roll ‘em.”
- >”Eleven.” Tryhard calls out.
- >”Fourteen” Cheetos grimaces.
- >”Eugh, nine. But Tara has plenty of health, she’ll survive.”
- >”Sixteen.” Bluequiet lets out a sigh of relief.
- “One. Fuck.”
- >”Who are you rolling for?” Twilight asks.
- “Gatz. From the manual, he gets crushed into a singularity. Insta-death.”
- >Twi facepalms.
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