Poof read, new post

First of i'd like to thank you for reading my status. it's been some time since i wrote to you, seems like a long time indeed, and honestly that has to be one of my bigest regrets of the year, not writing to you, but i refuse to let that get me down, as just like every other year i have come out of it with a fair few new tales and lifes lessons to tell, which i am sure we will get round to at sompoint in this status, i'm sure as you all remember over the past few years i've been batteling with something that has to my extreme anger and disapointment been brushed under the rug, and that my friends is self harm. it's a shame the way it's treated but yet again i hope to open some new eyes about such things. so, let's take a trip down memory lane. but before that i would like to say i have fully recovered. i can not say i will not self harm again in the future as in my eyes there's no such thing as a 100% recovery, as sad as that may be, but i've recovered enough to happily share this all with you once again. however i feel i should warn you, if you are reading this and you suffer from self harm your self, as much as i hate to do this and say thigs but please read so at your own discretion, i will not be holding back on the detail so that others can try and understand the pain we feel, as a result this may trigger you, so please be careful when reading.

It's been about three years now since my battle first started, every time i look at my arms or my legs i remember the battle i once thought, i used to hide my scars, sometimes i still do but most of the time i do not care, they have faded over time, and thoes who see them can judge all they want, unless they come up and ask me about them then there judgment of me means very little. and even then, i'm always happy to talk about the tales of my past. as i hope to teach many others around me what to look out for, it started a few years ago, in a very rough and dark part of my life, my self hatred grew more and more, i was not happy in my current sitation but i could not see a way out, i felt truly trapped. that was my trigger, i had been botteling this feeling for some time, over a year before certain event's caused me to fianlly tip over the edge. as much as i would like to share what then exact event's where i have my own reason for not and i ask you to respect that, they would not need to be shared anyway, as everyone's trigger is diffrent. if they were not the world would be a much better place. i want you to imagine a cenario for me, i've used this one before, but this time i'll sapre on no detail.

you are in this dark room, dark, cold and empty, you see no way out of said room, but as each day goes on, you feel your self getting lonliner and colder, a few days later you realise you are not alone in said room, but you are accompanied by your demonds, your regrets. yours self loathing, all negativity that could poissibly exists in your life is in this one room, it consumes you. it's all caught up with you. every bad desison you ever made. you feel the need to isolate your self from others. before you know it. you don't really leave the house much and you don't talk to your friends like you once used too. infact it's rare if you talk to anyone much anymore. your self loathing increasing even more day by day. months later you can't take anymore. you hate your self. you truly hate every single thing about you, i mean what is there to like? just look at you. nothing but hatred and worthless, you are good for nothing, you must punish your self for being like this, but how? how can you punish your self for being so usless. why hurting your self. that'll work, you hurt your self for being the way you are, so that's what you do. one night you go home, dismantle a razor blade, by snapping the blade from the handle, then lighting a candle and melting away the surrounds of the blades, till you have nothing but pure blade left, you then take it to the top of your arm, not much at first, you wince from the pain, convicned you've given your self what you deserve you carry on about your night, what you don't see is that every time you do this you are falling deeper and deeper in to a spiral that there's near no escape from. a few days later, your becoming more tolirant of the pain, this time you deside your going to draw blood. so you cut deeper. to your sucsess and satsfcation it's worked, you've drawn blood, and your arm stings like absolute hell, you tend to your wound (some won't) and carry on about your day, let's jump a head in time a little, a good few months down the line, your addicted to it, you know it's what you trult deserve, all this pain is what you truly deserve and you must give your self more! you must cut deeper and deeper, perhaps you'll see some bone if you cut deeper, i mean who really carses about the scars it leaves, it's not like anyone cares about you anyway is it? so that's what you do, you cut. more and more, deeper and deeper. before you know it you have run out of room on the tops of your arms. so you move down to around your wrist area but not your wrist as you know the damange that can cause, and that's not your intention yet. you cut more there, till you run out of room, by now your mother has seen it, your very close to her but you decide to kepe this from her, you tell her it's nothing, you were just being a fanny with your friends and cut your self on somehting, she recutently gives up the questioning and carry's on about her day, she's been busy with work latley so you've manged to avoid her easily. your laying in bed one night. feeling truly emtpy and alone, you fight to hold back the tears. "what have i become" you wonder to your self. "i'm so f*cking usless! why am i so usless! why can't i do anything right!" you wonder this over and over, please remember that your wondering all this becuase you feel trapped in your current life situation with no way out. you hate your self for it, work is full of stress and anger and hatred. you make mistakes and get in toruble for it, but i mean it's not your fault is it? you can't be that usless can you? oh who are you kidding, if course you can. you deserve this, your usless you can't do anything right. no would miss you if you died! your usless! after so long of thinking this you truly do belive. you truly do belive so little of your self that nothing can change your mind. weeks later, after even more cutting this time on your legs. you've had a really horrible day at work, eveything that went wrong could, your manger was breathing down your neck enarly all day for you being slow working, but what they didn't know was the reason you were slow working was becuase your legs were sore, you done some reasearch and started cutting on the bottom of your feet too, so when you walked you were in constant pain. you crave the pain, the pain reminds you what your doing is right, you deserve to be punished. that night you decide to carve the word usless in to your leg. you sucseed with a large amount of pain, you feel strangly satsfied with your work, again knowing it's what you deserve. a few days later things are just getting worse, that one sentance that popped in to you head earlier? "no one will miss me if i'm gone?" well it's been coming and going, and now you truly do belive it *. that night you decide enough is enough. you lock your self in your roomt that night, take your blade to your wrist and slit them, you lie there bleeidng out, the last thought on your mind is not peace. it's regret. you regret the path you wen't down and you regret your actions. you can feel the world getting darker and colder now, your little room from earlier? it's so cold and dark now, you can swear it's shrinking. the next day your mum shouts you to get up for work. she hears not response from you, leaves it for 15 mins shouts you again, still no response, she get's annoyed thinking she will be late for work becuase of you, she tries your door and it's locked. she's confiused. and slightly worried, your room is never locked. she tries banging on it and making as much noise as she can. still no response. she calls for a neighbour to come and break down the door, she's ectremly worried now, what she see's when she enters you room will haunt her for the rest of her life, her baby, her child who she was so close with, who she loved with all her heart is laying there on there bead. dead. she runs to you screaming and crying her heart truly broken, and there lies your body. only 18 years old. dead, you took your own life and your last thoughts were not that of peace but regret. your family is now a shell of what they used to be.

Now i understand all of what you just read is extremly dark, but there's honeslty no other way for me to describe it. i my self have done some of the things mentioned in that story. i've cut the tops of my arms, ran out of space, moved to my forearms and the legs, i have thought about suicide so many times. i've conisdered attemting it, but fourtanatly i have not, now i'm sure you are wondering where my story went, as i'm obviously still with you, well as you may have seen i put a * in the short tale i wrote, that's where my story ended as such. i never cut the bottom of the feet although the idea was tempting. please do not be mistaken, in thinking that my tale had a happy ending, in some ways it did but i'll get to that soon, what infact happend was i decided suicide was not that answer and i sought help, i eventually opened up to my mum who questioned it mulitpul time, to this day i still feel bad for keeping it from her, but i had to be done, she would have tried to stop me and i did not want that. so after persuing the help that took it's time in coming. you may wonder what life was like for me. after i stopped my self harming i starting writing about is, but another effect from it all was how i feel. to this day the feeling of being usless still lurks in the back of my head and from time to time will come out. and i'll truly hate my self, someitmes in a fit of rage i'll punch my self and try to hurt my self, but i've not cut and i've usually got someone around me to calm me down. i find it extremly hard to take a complimet, i mean i don't belive i deserve one. so therefor i have trouble accpepting it, yes i still do hate my self, and sometimes i do find my self alone in that dark room, but i can fight my deamons now, and i know i'm not alone which is what really helps. above anything else. if you susspect someone is going through what i went throguh or something of the same, then please go out of your way to speak to them, make them aware they are not alone! no one should ever have to be alone going through what i once went through, because the lonliness in it's self is a very stong trigger. another major trigger is bullying. that was another cuase for me to start self harming. being bullied. i grew up with it my whole school life for being diffrent and struggeling with my writing, i endud beilive what these bullies thought of me to be fact. left school with no self confidance. which then build up over time.
Look i could go on forever and ever hear. but that's not my intention my point has been made. to open your eyes to what goes on in the mind of someone who's going through what i once did. do what you want with that information, but above all else. please share it! share it far and wide. for that's all i want, my message, my tale to be heard by all thoes who will listen.
If you want to know what to do when you see someone going through what i went through. if you see there scars. don't make assumptions, apprach then, let them know you've seen there scars and if they want to talk. you'll happily listen, but if they don't then that's fine, let them know they are not alone! if you belive they are in true danger then yes act on it. it may be hard to tell, but just let them know they are not alone. take them to one side, make a point of speaking to them, even if it's just in passing, make a point of a short conversation. if you see someone being bullied? don't you dare walk past. don't you bloody dare! interveane and stop that. no one and i mean no one deserves to be bullied. so you step right in there and stop them. get help if you need to. but that one person getting bullied today? you could be attending there funureal in a few months. Think about it.
Thank you for reading my message. sersiouly. thank you. it takes a lot for me to talk about this. it really does. to this day i still fear the judgment from others about my scars. i feel i always will. but that's what happens i guess, if you ever want to talk or just learn more i'm happy to provide.  i have thoes i can open up to should i feel like i once did, so please do not worry for me. my friends and family know exactly what to look for in me should i be falling like i once was.
You are not alone. you never will be, i'll always be here.
Yet again. thank you for reading. and above all else, thank you to thoes who helped me out in my darkest moment i am forever truly thankfull for the help you gave me in my darkest hour.
Peace X