Life sucks

Because I don't deserve this. I really don't. I don't deserve to be left. I deserve to be with you. I deserve a chance to show you things can be alright. At this point you are the only one stopping things from being okay. You're the one not allowing things to get better. That's all on you. You need to realize you have someone in your life who is understanding and loving and tolerant and would do anything for and someone who understands you're going through something. If you tell me you want to be together again in the future I'll wait. I can't lose you caelan you are the best thing to ever happen to be and im trying to be the best thing for you and I know that I have the potential to make your life better and to help you grow. Even Erin sees it. Like you're being crazy. You're not being rational. You're making the wrong choice and it's not fair to either of us because if you would just make an attempt instead of running away from your problems things can be fine. You can run away from things in your life and it's not fair to run away from someone who only wants the best for you. If you truly love me you wouldn't do this to me, if you truly want to be happy you wouldn't do this. All you're doing is convincing yourself things can't be fine. But they can they really can be fine. You just need to try and stop running from this situation and face it head on. You're a 21 year old woman actin like a child and it hurts to see you be this way. It hurts to watch you see me in so much pain with no remorse. If you really feel bad for what you did and you really feel bad for how you treated me then you would be an adult and handle the situation instead of running away from it. You can't hurt someone and leave them because you're too afraid to try. You need to stop being so scared and just accept you fucked up and accept the person you fucked over still loves you with all of their heart and doesn't resent you. I'm trying so fucking hard to make things work and you need to let me. I don't care if me trying this hard pushes you away. I'd rather you hate me then still love me but refuse to try because you can't take responsibility for your actions. If you truly love me, you would own up to your faults and your mistakes and try to get better, with me. It's not fair to toy with me and hurt me and then bail because you can't handle that you did that. You're the only one still brooding on it. I understand you want to be a better person and change but you should do it for me to because I deserve that from you. I didn't deserve how you were but I do deserve the opportunity to be with you and make things alright. You can ignore me all you want but I'm dead serious im staying here solely with the hope that you will make the right choice. Right now you're making a mistake and it's not right. You need to be an adult. Stop pushing away from the people that love you because you made mistakes. Someone who cares about you will look past that and work with you. I'm not like other people in your life that are going to make you feel miserable about it forever. I'm not going to blow up on you to make you feel like shit im not going to cheat on you I want to work with you, you can't do this to someone it's just not right caelan. You see how hurt I am and you should just try. All I want is four hours. That's it. Just give me four hours and if by then you really honest to god don't want to try or feel like it's pointless then I will leave. I swear on my fathers grave I will let it go. You told me you'd try and you gave me your word and I deserve to make things right. I deserve that. It's your responsibility. If you want to be a better person start here. Start by owning up this situation. I will not give up on you I see myself with you for a long time and I mean it to heart until you move or tell me you don't love me anymore im going to try my hardest to mend this because you're worth it. You deserve someone who loves you. You deserve someone who cares. I am that person. You can't treat me the way your exes treated you and that's what you're doing and you recognize it and it makes you hate yourself and you're scared of it so you're running and it's not okay. It's not okay to do that.


Situation:
Okay so everything started two days ago, when I took my now ex girlfriend to dinner. I texted her while she was at work and said come over after work and dress nice. So I drove her to a local 5 star brewery and we had an amazing dinner and then went to the grocery store to get ice cream and then to the movie store. We got home and she left to go see her friend and when she got back I was hella despondent because I felt disrespected she left in the middle of our surprise date. We argued for a while about how since we got together she never prioritized me and always neglected me. It ended up with us splitting up and me walking home. I texted her an hour later saying I didn’t want it to be like this and asked if she could come over and we could talk and go to bed, she declined. Next morning im talking to her and she essentially says she’s done for good because she needs to work on herself, even though I continually stressed that I want to be with her and it’s okay that she makes mistakes and being in a serious relationship is a learning process but I want to be there with her because I love her enough to struggle. She declines, but then sends me mixed signals literally all day in which I both self harmed very bad, and blew up on her telling her I hate her. She comes over and we talk, she’s secure with her decision. After that she went to see our friend who told her that basically what she is doing is bullshit and that j fought so hard to make her happy along with moving four hours from my home away from my friends and family just to be with her, being completely alone here seldom here. After that she came back to my house and started crying but basically said the same thing that she was leaving for good. After she hugged me and left she texted me about how she regrets her decision; more mixed signals. I take this sliver of opportunity and tell her I’m riding my back to come see her keep in mind my legs are covered in cuts its midnight and 20 degrees. She says stay home im not even home and I say I don’t care I deserve the closure you need to make our decision and stick with it. I rode 5 miles and saw her car in her friends parking lot, and called her. She ignored me twice and then proceeded to tell me she didn’t send any mixed signals (bullshit) during the conversation her friend walked down the street and got into my face telling me “it’s time to go” and “stop harassing my friend” so she literally made me seem like some kind of psycho ex; thanks. I hang up on her and go to the hospital to visit my friend the one she spoke other earlier where we both voraciously agreed she was treating me like garbage and this whole situation was fucked up on her part and she was being incredibly selfish. After that, I ride my back to her house at 5 am, wake her up and tell her were settling this now. We both sit on the bed and j tell her again that I love her more then anything and I’m willing to work on things. She sticks with her decision and I tell her that’s fine I respect that. On my way walking out the door she stops me in the hallway and says shes willing to try with me. I happily crawl in bed with her and try talking to her. I made her laugh a couple times moving her lips to the song “home” and things were really nice. She was a little despondent but I respected that and did my best to be as supportive as possible. Shortly after she started kissing me, when led to me going down on her and making her cum. Then we made love. Not fucked, we made love. It was slow and passionate and I loved it but she seemed like I was a stranger fucking her, there was no passion. After we fell asleep I woke up and she told me I need to leave because she needs to run errands. I tell her okay, let me know if you want to see me later I want to go somewhere pretty with you. She doesn’t make any attempt to say by or kiss me she just laid in her bed th entire time. Once I get home I get a text from her saying basically sorry for wasting your time but I don’t want a relationship because I need to work on myself and I don’t treat you well. I said again; I told you I love you more then anything in the world and I’m willing to work together but if that’s the decision you make its final. She didn’t have an issue with that.