me and Ryan kinda jumped into things very fast. He moved in with me after two weeks, but we were happy as can be. I was always weary that he was lying to me, because that's just what I've always been used to. But everything he said always added up. he never lied to me. He was extremely supportive of everything, including my mental illnesses. we were in everything together. Ryan comes from a very rough child hood. Him & his siblings were taken away from his parents when I believe he was three, because of neglect. his dad beat his mom. He found his mom when he was 18, and moved in with her. I actually met him because his mom was friends with a girl I am friends with. Well, his mom is basically very immature. She won't own up to any mistakes she makes(which I'll explain that later) I was taking a mixture of effexor, lamictal, and trazadone. Well, the doctor upped my lamictal which killed my sex drive. I didn't know that's what it was, so I called the doctor and told him my problem and he seriously told me 'just stop taking effexor' so I did. And it wasn't pretty. Me and Ryan started fighting A LOT, and for some stupid reason it didn't occur to me to just get back on the damn meds. (when in the end that wasn't even the pill that was doing that) Well, Ryan's dad(who he actually had just met when me and him had been dating about a month, he came up from Kentucky to see us, before that Ryan said he wanted nothing to do him) had a truck that he was gonna give him. Then it was taking awhile because his dad wrecked his own vehicle and needed to wait for insurance so he was driving Ryan's truck in the meantime. Well July 2 , me and Ryan were at Cedar Point having a great time. His mom works out that way so we went to see her... she suggested we go to Kentucky, she'd drive us after she got off work. For some reason I was so apprehensive about going in the middle of the night. Me and him got in a big fight, but ended up making up. The last thing I remember was him cuddling me because I had a bad dream. And then I woke up at 4am to a text from him, saying he'd be home before I knew it, and I WENT CRAZY. I blew up his phone like insane. I ruined everything. I cussed him out, even though he was being nice. I never expected him to come back on the fourth of july and tell me he was gonna stay in Kentucky for awhile. not forever. asked me to find his license so he could send me money. I asked how he could be with me if we are in other states. he said my sister does it I went psychotic. cut myself for the first time in five and a half years right in front of him. A few days later he told me there was no us anymore... I lost it. He's the type who keeps his feelings all bottled up inside until he explodes. He told me I was always mean to him, which looking back, I actually was. That's how I was raised, around a lot of yelling. My parents still do that. I checked myself into the hospital. he told me I had changed... I didn't even realize how controlling i seemed until it was too late.... And ever since he's been in Kentucky this is how it's been- the first day I called him, he was super sweet, telling me he wanted me to come visit and hopefully mov there, we need to take things slow, he still loves me and always will. The next day he was pretty much a jerk. asked why I only started to care once he left. I always cared... I just guess i didn't show it.... I didn't want to be like his ex:( He was like two different people. When I got out of the hospital, I had so many texts from him saying how sorry he was, he hates what he did to us, wants to make me happy again one day.he did what he did to protect me because he was scared of himself. he wants to be there for me. that if I don't want him then don't text him back so someday he can hopefully get over me. after that every few days basically he would become a different person. All of these people loved me, but some were cruel, some were sweet. he dumped me and took me back like three times. when he had dumped me he had said some very mean things to me and admitted to burning some of my letters. one point he wasn't with me because he said that he knew in the past that i couldn't do distance. One personality of his didn't want a relationship right now, one wants to be with me forever but take things one day at a time as friends. but started talking like were a couple so we were together. weekend of July 26 I went to see him. It was perfect. Just like we always had been. I had the most amazing time. We were talking about me moving down there when my lease is up at the end of the year. Just simply perfect. We had some serious life talks, where we both admitted what we did wrong.He saw how well I was doing now that my meds have finally settled into my body after a few weeks, I got a job, and wasn't mean. He was telling me about the struggles he'd been having, learning more about his mom neglecting him and his siblings and they got taken away. Said it wasn't me that he was so angry at, it was life. His birth mother. He cut off all contact with her. (I lost all respect for that woman when she told us about how she got high, drunk, and rode roller coasters when she was pregnant with him). He stopped being in denial about his depression and anger. On my last day there he got so depressed at one point that he curled up in a ball and went to sleep. His dad was saying he's been trying to get Ryan to seek help. when I had to go home, of course I cried, he held me tight and said we'll see each other again, he loves me so much. And I know he meant it. The next day after I came home, things were fine too. He was upset when I called him on my lunch break, we talked for a bit and he said he wanted to be left alone for awhile. And I said okay, text me when you're feeling better. (I was working morning, he worked second shift. He was writing full time with mandatory over time, I am just part time) He called me shortly after I got off work at 2. I was at drug mart waiting for a prescription. He asked me three different times during that conversation if I was still at work. was hoping to come visit me soon.. He was upset. said him and his dad got into a physical fight. He was mad at his dad for telling him he was drinking too much. Which I agree, he had been. He would never drink when he lived here in Ohio. He also was never so flip floppy. He always wanted to be with me no matter what. His job here wasn't paying anywhere near how much his new one was, but we were well off. He was just so upset that day, wanted to start smoking pot again, which I have no problem with, as long as he has his priorities straight. Pot doesn't bother me, what bothers me is people that put it before everything else. Which Ryan doesn't do that, so this statement is pretty much irrelevant. Anyways, he said he'll just text me. So he texted me saying he loves me, he's just pissed off at life. Texted me when I was half asleep later that night, saying he loved me and talking about work. Well, Tuesday, he hadn't texted me all day. When I got off work, he had texted me (and this didn't seem like him at all. the typing wasn't like his normal typing, neither was the wording) Basically said he wasn't attracted to me anymore and we needed to move on. Obviously I became a wreck. Went into my depressed state, ignored everyone. I guess my friend called him the next day because she hadn't heard from me. And he called me. Asked if I was okay. Said he still cared about me. He'll always love me. He just doesn't have time for a relationship. Doesn't have time for any woman because he 'works so much he doesn't have time to spend the money' (which is a phrase he made when I was up there with him and I said good with a smile so he could save up to get our own place). said his dad kept getting him to talk to other girls but he didn't want to. He said if I love him I can wait for him(he's said that before, then between one and three days later he wanted to be with me again). I asked him why did he tell me when I was in Kentucky that he didn't want me to go if he was gonna do this again? He had told me he wished I didn't have to work Monday so I could stay another night. (and when I was in Kentucky, we both promised to never do what either of us did again, never break up again) He said because he really didn't want me to leave. He has to work though, his dad said he needs to have his own place by Christmas, which he said won't be a problem. I said okay well my lease is up December 30, so I can move with him. And then he said "I won't be ready to live with someone else for a few years. I hope you can wait for me" Now every other time this has happened, I was unstable. My meds weren't right, and I'd blow up his phone repateadly. now I've been giving him his space. He's always came to me again within a few days. I'm scared though. I know he's not a bad person. we were so good together and everyone saw it.,My EX friend Mex has multiple personalities. He came over and I told him this story more in depth, showed him the text messages, and he thinks he may have it too. Of course neither of us are doctors, so we can't say 100% for sure that he has it, but I know he has some kind mental disorder, and wasn't like this at all when we were together. I'm scared. I don't wanna lose him for good. I struggle so much being alone with my own illnesses. I am kind of pulling a Ryan and pushing people away who care about me. Ryan doesn't have any friends. He's with his dad, stepmom, and step sister and I really feel like the environment is bringing his mental illnesses. I'm not gonna give up. He's come a long way by admitting he was emotionally unstable, depressed, etc., but I really want him to seek help. And I'm giving him his space, which is hard. I get paranoid. Paranoid that he really doesn't love me anymore(I'm used to always being hurt) paranoid that he'll change his number and I'll never hear from him again. I've never had this sort of connection with anyone, and since day one, it has scared me. When we're together in person it's perfect just like it was when he was in Ohio. I just want him to be that guy all the time again... My depression hurts. I hurt for him, too. :( we talked on the phone for hours six days after he dumped me. it's the last time I heard from him.(well it was last I heard when i originally typed this) he said the only time when I was Kentucky that he felt what he used to feel was when we were having sex. he said he kept trying to feel what he once felt. and i don't believe that. .he said he doesn't want a relationship right now it's not me it's him blah blah blah he wants to be on his own doesn't want to be at his dad's house anymore. he wants to move out and not give anyone his address and tell his dad that he needs space . said his dad said he had to have his own place by Christmas. he said they got in a really bad fight.  he's said he doesn't want a relationship before but always came right back to me w
ithin a few days. then he said he wasn't depressed. he said that he's gonna be staying with this girl who's 'just a friend' for a few days, he said he didn't want to tell me bc he didn't want me to tell his dad. last time he pushed me away he told me that he had slept with another woman but when I was there he looked me in the eye and told me that wasn't true. he said he was scared and said that to try and help me move on. I can't move on. he treated me so perfect when he was here and i just want that guy back. he was that guy when I went to see him. I deleted my Facebook I am too scared to go on there anymore I know I will want to creep and that would probably make me upset. seeing that he put single. I don't go on my computer anymore either because i know I'd be tempted to log into his account. I've been giving him his space we haven't talked in a while I still miss him like crazy, I just wish he'd come home.

update end of August
I had a plan. I was going to hang myself Wednesday. but I got a tattoo. and that is like therapy to me. I told myself 'i can't die tonight, I just got a new tattoo' and then as I was laying in bed, Ryan called me from sperm donor's phone. said 'i don't think I'm gonna be here much longer'. and doesn't know what to do if he should get his own place or what. he said he doesn't know who he is anymore. he's said that a lot since he's been there. he said something about medication.he needed someone to talk to. he asked how long it had been since we talked. I said almost a month. he said it felt more like four or five. said  he misses me and asked how I was doing. asked if I was seeing anybody. I said no and I told him about mex. about how he claimed to be falling in love with me. he was like 'what do you mean he's falling in love with you?' he asked if I had sex with him. I couldn't lie to Ryan. I told him yes but all I could see in my head was Ryan's face and I stayed crying. about how I couldn't do it. i kept thinking of him. but it doesn't matter mex and I don't talk anymore. Ryan lost his job. he doesn't want to live with his dad anymore. he stole his dad's phone for a bit so he could call me. he doesn't have his phone anymore. he got locked out of it and now there's a bullet hole in it. I told him please come home, we can work through this together. he said stuff about he has a bad driving record here. asked what would my parents say they would call me stupid. I said I don't give a fuck what they think. he said he had to go and would call me right back. so he did. didn't talk too long because he had to go again he said he would call me when he can said 'i love you bye' really fast.
a week later I finally decided to reach out to his aunt. told her everything he said. she was gonna try to get him home. then he called the next morning. I asked him what he's gonna do. I forget his answer. he said he was gonna get on medication. he can do that here... I told him my job would hire him. he's all 'how do you know that? they won't just hire someone off the streets' he said things were better now he just doesn't fit in where he's at.. and that he doesn't belong in Ohio. that even if he wanted to go somewhere he couldn't because something wrong with his truck. he didn't remember much of the night before, he had been drinking again... then he says all fast 'i gotta go don't call this number back' I started to ask him if he was gonna call back but he hung up.
I had sent a letter after the first call... and it was three pages.... and he sent one page back.... nothing written on it. he told me not to call his dad's phone back, wait for him to call me. Saturday I stupidly texted asking if he could have Ryan call me. his dad texted his dad texted back said 'don't ever text or call my phone again' I got worried emailed his country sheriff to check on him, say a neighbor was concerned. sheriff said Ryan is perfectly fine and asked for me not to contact him.
ever since he's been there he dumped me like four different times, the last time was two days after I visited him end of july. he's been gone since July and it's my fault. he hasn't been mentally stable since he's been there, and I love him so much and worry about him but he won't come home. just a week before he called me for the first time in almost a month and said he didn't want to be there, he missed me, he sounded scared. he said he loved me.
he wasn't like this when he was here but now he keeps saying he doesn't belong in Ohio. since he's been there he drinks almost every night, he never ever drank here. his stupid SPERM DONOR is ruining everything. I know I've only known him since April not a long time but I've never felt this for anyone else. not even my first love it took me eight and a half years to get over. everyone saw how good me and Ryan were together. everyone says he'll be back but I always get the crappy end of the deal. we were so good together and I didn't realize I was treating him bad until it was too late. the environment he's in is toxic and about 90% of the people I've told this to agree. my heart is four and a half hours away from me... I'm not myself. I'm an empty shell of depression. no one in real life gets it except a few people but definitely not my family. I never experienced true happiness until I met Ryan. I was suicidal most of my life since I was three years old and when I was with him, I was afraid of my own death, because I didn't want to lose a second with him. I regret being a lazy spoiled brat, taking him for granted, yelling at him. I miss the feeling of driving home from work with butterflies in my tummy because I knew I was going home to the love of my life.
he just met his birth father like four months ago... he had a truck for Ryan and we were supposed to go together and his birth mother who sucks too offered to take us when she got of work at like 3 am and for some reason I didn't want to go in the middle of the night. I woke up at 4 am to a text from him saying he'll be back before I know it and I went crazy I freaked out on him cussed him out and he only came back to get some of his stuff ever since he's been gone its like he's a different person every time I talk to him. he's dumped me like four times he was never like this when he was here. I visited him end of july things seemed great he was talking about me moving down there and then two days later he dumped me again . he called me from his dad's phone we spoke for the first time in months and he said he didn't want to be there anymore, he misses me, he loves me. he said don't call the number back. he doesn't have his phone anymore. called me again the next week and was like a different person again. saying he doesn't fit in there, doesn't belong in Ohio. I was weak. my parents disowned me, I'm all alone, I stupidly texted his dad asking if Ryan could call me, I'm not doing well. he texted me back 'don't ever call my phone again' I said i didn't, Ryan called me. he said 'don't even text my phone' now I'm afraid I'll never hear from him again. his dad seemed to like me when I was there. I feel like he's trying to control Ryan and there's nothing I can do about it. I've never hated myself this much or been this depressed. this man couldn't even take care of Ryan as a child, children's services took him away to be adopted. I hate myself so much I am all alone I should've just gone with him that night. only thing that can help me is physically being with him. I never want anyone else. I know he's my soul mate. I fell for him instantly. I've never felt this depressed. honestly Ryan was the only thing that helped. I pushed most of my friends away because they just brought me down. like how can he say he loves me one day even though he's pissed at life and his sperm donor and then the next day he dumps me... I know the feelings were still there when I was there. he'd pick me up in the pool and carry me around, he let me use his tooth brush, he let me use his razor in the shower, he held my hand at the grocery store. and when I had to leave, he made a heart with his hands to me....
I never want to be with another guy. like I know I am a love addict. I always want a boyfriend. with every other guy that would dump me, I'd of course be upset, but usually a week later I'd try to find a new boyfriend. even Greg my first love it took me eight and a half years to get over him I'd try to find other guys to help me get over him. with Ryan it's so different. I don't want a new boyfriend. I want him. people say he loves me, he'll be back, but it's always the worst that happens to me. this is killing me slowly. I'd drive up there in a heart beat if he let me. he said he doesn't know who he is anymore.... because he's in the same boat as me! I don't know who I am anymore without him.... I just wish he would come back... every time he has another excuse...:( I hate myself. everyone saw how good we were for each other and how cute we were together





ok so end of october i get a call from him saying he wants to be with me he loves me i get very happy. then like a week later he called and said he just wanted to be friends and he was talking to someone.... then i found out it wasnt even physical. we got in this big argument and i hung up, texted him fine just forget that i ever existed. he said okay i will. and then the next day he called apologizing blowing up my phone saying he didnt like how things ended, he loves me so much and wants to be there for me and hed call me soon. a few days later he told me he was coming back to ohio and was gonna try and stay with his aunt an hour and a half away. i was fine with that. he ended up coming home the next day. he stayed with me. he moved right back in with me. things were alright, kind of rocky. he got a job at a temp agency, only lasted a day because the alarm on the phone he was using didnt go off, he smashed it, said he was joining the army, we got in this huge fight. in the end, he didnt join, thank god. we had our fights, his anger was bad. he wasnt completely the same. he seemed... distant. he wasnt clingy like he used to be, which i loved. he didnt like me being clingy really. he met this friend seth. now seth seemed clingy with ryan! and seth apparently has this huge crush on me. there was so much drama with him, i ended up not liking him, same with ryan, but ryan forgave him before i did, and it caused conflict with us. same as with his dad. he gave me permission to block his dads number after his dad started talking shit about me. he wanted to go work for his uncle at this job where he would travel but he would come home all the time to see me. i was so against it. i see now that i should have let him take it in the spring... he asked me one night in the middle of the night to marry him. i said of course, when the time is right. one day he stopped letting me read his fb messages which made me uneasy. he said he had nothing to hide he just thinks i don't trust him. which how could i after he left like that? he kept saying he'd let me after i quit bugging him. i guess i was kind of a drama queen a lot. a lot of bugging him. i guess i was kind of a drama queen a lot. a lot of times i would throw a fit until i got my way. i was so paranoid like he said about him leaving again. one night he wanted to stay the night at his mom's i threw a fit. same as when he stayed two nights. i'd rather have that than what i have now. january 14, i made him go to the hospital with me to get a lady problem looked at. he really didn't want to go all these places with me, but i made him anyways. we went to lunch beforehand and he was just staring into space. said he had a lot on his mind. when we were in the hospital he said 'i don't want to offend you, but i don't want to get married anytime soon' i said 'okay... that's fine' he said 'i don't know how to say this. like, i'm ready to settle down, but i need to grow up a bit. i'm not gonna leave because i don't want you to hurt yourself' i said well good i am glad you're not leaving. we went and got some drinks and went home, he took a shower, everything seemed fine. then all of a sudden it all changed. he was leaving. he said he had to grow up and find himself unlike kentucky where he lost himself. i said 'you said you weren't going anywhere' he said 'well i wasn't gonna say anything in the hospital. i can't feel anything except anger. i'm doing this for us so i can treat you better and don't end up beating you or killing someone' he said he messaged his mom saying to take him to a homeless shelter. he said 'i will update every day on facebook so you will see where i am' and 'id say message me every day but i know itd hurt you' oh well i didn't like that. i flipped out as he started packing his stuff i said 'fine then never come back i can't believe you're doing this to me never talk to me again you'll never find a girl who loves you like me' and went into the bedroom. he followed me and grabbed his gun so i wouldn't hurt myself. he said that should prove that he cares about me. he said he could never be with anyone else because he gave me his whole heart.i told him i need him and was crying and hugging him and he just stood there emotionless. he said he was upset but he couldn't feel. he had been contemplaating it for two weeks but then we had good times. he changed his fb to single, and when he said babe he was like 'i dont even know why im calling you babe, its a bad habit i guess'  he said he never should have came back. he didnt even say goodbye when his mom came. i didnt try to contact him but he still blocked me on fb. when he left the first time and blocked me he said it was because it hurt him too much to see my face.  a girl we were mutual friends with showed me the screenshots of him messaging saying he was over me, he wished it would've worked, he wasn't happy, it was for the best. apparently he told my friend to tell me not to contact me and he was talking to someone else. and seth told me that he left me for some girl in germany from facebook.... and that ryan told him that when we broke up he could have me.but idk because seth has this ridiculous crush on me. i want to start over with ryan. not living together right away, do it right this time... i'm probably leaving a lot of stuff out but there ya go