Church in Class: Smarties and the Smart

> You are Ross Church, Fluffologist
> You are scheduled to do another class on fluffy ponies a little later on this afternoon for Professor Ito’s class.
> That’s a few hours away, so you decided to go grab a sub and do a few more wee tests before hand.
> For this class, you will be meeting in the biology lab.
> You were a little stumped at first as to what to lecture on, but after Louis did so well on his numbers, colours and shapes tests, and after Charmer beat up a few members of his herd and tried to copulate with a mare against her will, you knew exactly what to lecture on.
> Smarty Friends VS Smarty Fluffies.
> This will also give you a great opportunity to both quell Charmer’s unacceptable behavior and educate the students on the little known fact of Pegasus fluffy’s sensitivity to chemicals.
> So, you set up a few cages to be shipped to the lab.
> The first cage houses Louis and a few of his herdmembers.
> The second cage houses Charmer’s herdmembers.
> And the third houses Charmer himself. Who threatens you with owwies, as always.
> Louis is very quiet, but puffs his cheeks up and tries to stand between you and his herd.
> Herdmembers on both sides, however, chatter and babble skittishly, especially after you cover their cages with a few blankets. “whewe goin’?”. “why so dawk?”. “fwuffy scawed!”. “pwease no huwt fwuffy…fwuffy sowwy! Nu wan sowwy box!”.
> Huh. That one must’ve been a domestic at one point. That’s just sad, that is.
> “dem othew fwuffies? New fwends? Wan pway?” Dumpling asks.
> “Ah, no, Dumpling. Maybe later you can play with them later.”
> “Okay, daddeh- uh, Doctow!”
> After you finish your sub, you give her some of the lettuce, which she eats noisily.
> “gmph! Nomph! Tank yoo, Doctow!”
> What an adorable little bugger.
> Shame you couldn’t take her home…
> “CHAWMEW WAN OUT! WET OUT!”
> You ignore his demands, and instead prepare the tools you will need for this day’s lecture.
> Specifically, a few drawings of shapes, a small packet of crayons, and a small bag of Caramel Creams.
> And a scalpel.
> And some hydrogen peroxide.
> And a roll of duct tape.
> You consider taking a suture, but you decide against it. He would only rub the injury up against his cage and re-open his stitches. You’ll take a cork instead.
> Afterwards, you call Professor Ito to make sure everything is set up (which it is, of course), as well as to ask her if she wouldn’t mind assisting you in today’s class (which she’s up to.)
> Then you spend the rest of the morning returning phonecalls and researching alternate routes to acquire new fluffies for testing.
> Just in case.

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> Class time comes and you’re ready.
> The cages are set on a small platform dolly in the lab. Your labcoat’s on. Karen’s labcoat is on. (You think this might be your fetish…), your tools are unpacked and ready for use. Gloves on.
> On the table is a small disposable sheet, much like the ones found in doctor’s offices.
> And here come the students.
> Huh. Only…eighteen students? Ah well. A little over half. That’s fine by you.
> This will be short class anyway. A little under an hour, you think.
> Right. Lets do this.
> “Hello everyone! Thank you all for coming to this small lecture: I understand Fluffy Ponies aren’t always the most popular or interesting of subjects and some of you may have other work you wish to focus on. For those of you here, I have a treat for you!”
> You rip the blanket off the cages. Immediately all the fluffies start panicing, some of them even defecating: “Waaah! Bwight Wight!” “Nu huwt!” “nu mean make scawed poopies!”
> The students are paying rapt attention. Some of the girls even let out small “awww”s.
> “Actual fluffies!” you announce with a smile. “Today’s class will be on Smart Fluffies- that is to say, fluffies with that are more intelligent than most with a better understanding of things- and ‘Smarty Friends’, who are oftentimes ill-behaved, would-be Alphas of feral herds…and sometimes daycare centers.”
> “CHAWMEW WAN OUT! GIV STOOPID DOCTOW SOWWY POOPIES!”
> You take your tools out. “That sound you’re hearing is a Smarty Friend. Let me bring him out.”
> You walk over to the cages, open Charmers, and yank him out by the scruff of the neck.
> “This is the ironically named ‘Charmer’.”
> “CHAWMEW AM SMAWTY!”
> “As you can see, he is a classy sort of fellow”. A few of the class laugh at this.
> You place him down on the sheet-covered table, he immediately puffs his cheeks out and stamps his hoofs.
> Puffing his cheeks out only makes it easier for you to put the duct take around his mouth.
> “Usually I wouldn’t do this, but fluffies can be noisy, as you can see. The puffing up of cheeks and stamping of hoofs are simple displays of dominance and aggression meant to intimidate or challenge other fluffies. They don’t seem to realize that this doesn’t scare any other animal, instead it enrages them. Smarty friends oftentimes don’t last long in the wild because of this reason.” You continue.
> “Now, if you have a fluffy who is showing aggression, engaging in unacceptable behavior or attempting to mate with mares or fillies against their will, you must discipline them.”
> ”MMMF!” Charmer protests. He turns around and lifts his tail.
> You pop the cork in.
> “MMMMMFFFPPPPH!”
> You look at class. “A precautionary step. Fluffies are known to attempt to use their waste as a weapon, which, while non-lethal, is still disgusting. Continuing on: if the fluffy in question continues such behavior, while calling itself ‘Smarty’, you will have a harder time breaking them of their unwanted behavior. If all else fails, neutering usually solves the issue. Charmer here is one of those Smarties.”
> You look at Professor Ito, who grabs Charmer, puts him on his back and holds his hindlegs. She positions herself besides his head and pulls his hindlegs towards her, which in turn exposes his plot, and well as his small, fuzzy genitals. While she does this, you take the cage holding his herd and set it beside him. They shake, afraid.
> “Now, listen closely- what a lot of vets either don’t know or don’t care about, is the Pegasi’s sensitivity to chemicals. Earth Fluffies or Unicorn fluffies can be given anesthetic with little to no issues. However, studies have shown that Pegasi, when given anesthetic, are very, VERY high risk for respiratory and cardiac arrest. So, the only way to deal with Charmer, unfortunately, is castration.”
> You pick up your scalpel. Charmer writhes and snorts. “Now, before you ask- the reason I put his herd next to him is because I want them to understand…” You turn to the cowering fluffies, scowl, and say loudly and clearly: “This is what happens to bad fluffies who are mean to other fluffies, give bad special hugs, and try to give Doctor Church owwies.”
> You turn back to the class. “I don’t take pleasure in this, but with fluffies they need to be made to understand what happens when they misbehave. Usually time out in a ‘Sorry Box’ or a light beating with a ‘Sorry stick’ does the job, but Charmer is an extreme case. He is, after all, one of those Smarties”
> You position yourself over Charmer as Professor Ito holds him tight.
> “Castrating a fluffy is very much like castrating a pig. Two small incisions on the scrotum over each testicle…”
> You cut two vertical slits. Charmer starts to scream, but it is muffled by the duct tape. He struggles as hard as he can, but Professor Ito holds him as still as possible. She’s done this before.
> “Then, you lightly push the top and bottom of the incision until the testicle comes out.”
> You push, and Charmer’s right testicle pops out: a pink, vaguely egg-shaped lump with the white-ish beige epididymis attached to it.
> “Some people simply rip the testicles out.” You say. “But I don’t do that. I prefer to simply cut the vas deferens, like so…”
> You gently tug the testicle out, which elicits another pained scream from Charmer, as well as muffled sobbing. You quickly cut the tube, severing the testicle proper. “If you cut high enough, you should miss any major blood vessels, which will prevent major bleeding. The vas deferens, or rather what’s left of it, should slowly recede back into the scrotum. Okay? Once again…”
> You repeat the process with the other testicle. Charmer’s struggling gets weaker and weaker, but his muffled cries get louder. Thin, watery blood flows freely from each tiny hole.
> “Now, disinfect it with some peroxide…”
> You dump some of the stuff on his open scrotal sack, and his trashing begins anew for a few seconds. “Some vets will suture this, but I find that if you do that the fluffy will pick and try to scratch at it, rub his scrotum up against things, rip his stitches and generally make a big mess which later become prone to infection yet again. If you leave it as it, the blood with coagulate and stop. No stitches, no scratching, no mess, though be sure to keep a close eye in it either way.”
> Afterwards, you rip the duct tape off. “OWWIES! Huuhuuhuuuuu…Chawmew’s no-nos and mouth huwt. Why huwt no-nos? huuu…”
> “I’ll separate him from his herd for now, as some of them may want to attack him, either to attempt to become the ‘new smarty’, or out of simple anger after he mistreated so many of them.” You put Charmer back in his cage and dispose of the bloodied sheet he was laying on. Afterwards you put both cages back on the dolly, bring out the one with Louis and his herd.
> You fish him out, much to the dismay of his herd. Some of them cry. Others whimper and huddle together.
> You set him down on the table. He puffs his cheeks up but doesn’t say anything. You realize he also looks at the class, scanning each of them. He is afraid, but trying to be brave. He knows he’s no match for you.
> You admire the tough little bugger.
> “This is Louis. He is also a smarty, but unlike Charmer, he’s actually very smart.”
> Louis looks at you, then to the class, then back to his herd.
> “A fluffy that is rather quiet and pays particular attention to his surroundings and others is a telltale sign that the fluffy is usually a bit more intelligent than most. Let me demonstrate…”
> You go into your bag and take out the bag of Caramel Creams, the pack of crayons and the pictures.
> “Louis” you begin. “We’re going to play a fun game. I’m going to ask you some questions. If you answer right, you and your herd get sweeties, okay?”
> He stops puffing his cheeks. “…Okay, Wouis pway game.”
> “Good boy.” You take out the pack of crayons, and pull out a pink one. “What colour is this?”
> “…p…pink?”
> You set it aside, and pick out the red. “What about this one?”
> “Dat…wed.”
> A blue one. “And this?”
> “dat easy. Dat bwue!”
> “Alright. Now…” you take out the pictures. The first one is a triangle. “What shape is this?”
> “…twiangu?”
> “Good.” You take out the next picture. A square. “and what shape is this?”
> “dat…box, nu, squawe!”
> One more, a circle. “What’s this?”
> “a…baww…a…suh…suh…suhcul?”
> You smile and put the pictures down.
> You hold up your index finger before him. “How many fingers am I holding up?”
> He frowns “wun”
> You raise your middle. “now?”
> “Too”
> You raise all four fingers and your thumb. “How about now?”
> His frown deepens. He looks at each finger carefully. Then your thumb. He is puzzled by your thumb.
> “dunno” he says, his tone deflated, defeat in his eyes.
> “Try. How many. Even this one” you say, pointing to your thumb.
> He stares. He stares for a long time.
> “…f…f…”
> He furrows his little brow, concentrating.
> “f…fff…”
> Come on, you wee little genius.
> “…five?”
> You smile. “Very good, Louis!”
> You open the bag, unwrap one of the Caramel Creams, and hold it out before his face. He sniffs it a little, then gently takes it in his mouth. He chews, and his face lights up.
> “sweeties guud!” he exclaims.
> The whole class stares. Some are awed by the fluffy’s intelligence. Most are starry-eyed with adoration.
> “Yes. And your whole herd gets to have some!”
> The fluffies cheer and become excited. “Wuv Wouis!” “Wuv doctow an sweeties an smawty!”
> You turn to the class.
> “Well, we have around half an hour left.” You say to the class. “You can either leave early, or…”
> Your smile broadens. “You can help me feed these good fluffies some treats.” You wink. “Sure are a lot of them. And I’m not sure I can take so many hugs.”

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> After the class, you brought the dolly back to your office. You set the cages back in their respective places, and went about cleaning and making notes.
> You will feed some of Charmer’s herd some Caramel Creams a little later. No reason they should miss out because Charmer was a bully.
> That class went well. You barely had to anything, God bless those kids. Each of Louis’ herd got a sweet, and more than a few took time to play with some of the students.
> Each fluffy and each student had a smile on their face and a light-hearted laugh in their throat. Adorable little buggers bringing joy and much stress-relief to weary, study burdened students.
> Warmed your heart. That is what fluffies are all about.
> You hear a mewling whine come from one of the cages.
> Charmer’s cage.
> “dat fwuffy huwt? Need huggies?” Dumpling asks. She could hear him, but her place in the alcove made seeing him (or him seeing her) impossible.
> “Ah. No Dumpling. He’s fine…he’s fine…”
> You look at Charmer, who’s curled up in a ball, eyes shut tight, pain etched across his fluffy features.
> You’ll have to keep a close eye on him and make sure the incisions stay clean and heal properly.
> You have to take special care of these fluffies, afterall.