Neutral Hanalogue, Chapter 1: One Wish

Lilly's passing was all so sudden. One day, she was with us. And now, she was gone. Even though we - the doctors, her family, and I - had expected it for months, it wasn't any easier to bear.

Stomach cancer. Stage three before they caught it. They did their best, but we could only watch in horror as it completely ravaged her body. Once it had spread into her liver, there was nothing more to be done. She had her death sentence, and all we could do was fulfill all her last wishes. She wasn't in any pain at the end. They loaded her up with morphine just to make sure she could go in peace.

Hanako wasn't there by her side when she left. She moved to the big city shortly after graduation, claiming she needed a change. Both Lilly and I thought it strange at first, considering how bad she was around people. But there was no changing her mind. She firmly believed that it would be good for her. And so we said goodbye, at least for a short time.

That was five years ago.

We didn't hear much from her in those five years. She sent us both a letter midway through the second year since we had seen her, detailing her new life. She had met a man named Eiji, and they began a relationship. Her education was going well, and she ended up choosing a path in social work, focusing mostly on young children. I guess she felt that she could relate to them, having been in their shoes at one point.

Part of me wonders, even now, what might have changed if I hadn't gone into her room that day. What if I had followed Lilly's advice, if I had let her be? Would she have killed herself? Would we be together? I sincerely hope for the latter, even today. Reading about her time with Eiji only served to break my spirit. It was then that I realized I never looked at another girl quite like I looked at Hanako.

So many things could have been done differently. Hindsight is 20/20, right? We always look back on the past, aching to change the future.

But enough about the past. Today, we gather to celebrate a life, one taken from us as quickly as she came into our lives.

Akira and I are traveling together after I picked her up from the house she and her sister were living in. The place has been a wreck for the past week or so, without Lilly's attention. They started living together not long after Lilly finished her studies, just before the diagnosis. Neither of them married, and Akira's age makes it hard for her to date anymore. “No one wants an old maid, Hisao,” she says as we round a curve in the road.

“Oh, c'mon, that can't be true,” I respond, taking care to keep my eyes on the road. “You're successful, intelligent, attractive...”

“And none of it means a damn thing, just because I'm 30 now.” She takes a sip from her drink can, continuing to stare straight ahead.

“There has to be a guy out there for you. I can't imagine there not being.”

“If there is, he's definitely not in Japan. Might just take up that offer from my dad to work with him in Scotland. Marry a nice Englishman or something like that.” She downs the rest of her drink, crushing the can in her grip before cracking the other she brought along for the trip.

“Should you really be drinking before the funeral?”

A laugh erupts from her stomach. “Kid, I've got enough tolerance to handle it.” She slurps off the top before continuing. “Besides, with *my* family, I'll need it.” Point taken. I've never met the rest of the Satou extended family, but they aren't exactly the sanest bunch around, from what I've heard. At least her parents seemed nice from what little interaction I had with them at Lilly's deathbed.

Everyone here is dressed in the standard attire: men in black and white suits, women in black dresses and kimonos. Even Akira, as masculine as she is, wears a long, loose-fitting black dress. “I meant to ask,” I start. She turns her attention to me. “What's with the getup? I figured you'd fight tooth and nail to wear a suit.”

“Mom's request,” she tells me before we step into the building. “I'm not a dress fan, but I figured I could at least appease her. Plus… it's my sister, y'know? I want to leave things right.” Lilly's passing was the hardest on her. Akira once remarked how they were more like mother and daughter than sisters after their parents left permanently for Inverness. I imagine this is much like losing a child, in that regard. Or, at least, a best friend.

“I understand,” I say back to her.

We head inside, surrounded by a crowd of people that neither of us know. “Dad always knew how to throw parties and make connections,” Akira remarks, a snide tint in her voice.

“I wouldn't exactly call this a party.”

“Hey, there's free food. One step closer already.” I actually appreciate her attempts to lighten the mood. She's never been the serious type. “Go help yourself, I'm gonna say hi to my folks.”

I nod and head to the kitchen, the smells of freshly prepared pastries already wafting through the corridors. Surprisingly, very few are gathered around them. How do these people resist such tempting treats? I spot a sign next to the table on which they sit, written in both English and Japanese, “Family only.” Oh, that's why. Well, I'm not blood family, but I don't think anyone will mind if I yank one of these cakes....

Sitting at the small table, I start to eat away at my prize, flipping out my phone and scrolling through a news feed. It serves its purpose to take my mind off of why I'm here, at least. Absorbed in the stories and articles, I only catch a faint patter of footsteps. An airy little voice, followed by a tug on my pant leg: “E-excuse me, mister.”

I look down to a short little girl, no more than three years old. Her hair is a dark violet, eyes light gray. The features on her face are familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on how. “Yes?” I respond, mouth still slightly full of cake. “Can I help you?”

She kicks her feet back and forth, holding her hands behind her back. “I... I was just w-wondering if I could... have some cake?” I assume that she's just an extended member of the Satou family, probably on the Japanese side based on her hair color.

I break off a piece of my pastry and hand it to her. “I don't see why not.” She accepts it graciously, a smile etching into her dimpled cheeks.

“Thank you, sir!” She heads toward the door, racing quickly down the corridor and into the main procession room. /Cute kid/, I say to myself. She leaps into the arms of a woman bearing the same dark hair that she does. Part of me wonders if... maybe if that would be her. But that's silly, isn't it? Worry about who is here, not who might be here. It strikes me that I haven't signed the guest book, so I swiftly finish my pastry and head over to the pedestal bearing the small booklet.

I scan across the names already listed, just to see who is actually present. One of the names stands out. Was I right? Did she actually come?

'Hanako Ikezawa.'

My eyes dart around the room. A glimpse of that girl from earlier catches my eye, gripping the same woman's dress. The woman's hair extends down to her waist. She's talking to Akira, who seems excited to see her. Like a long lost friend. It's worth a shot, I suppose.

I approach the girls. “Um... Hanako?”

She turns to face me, that signature web of scarring crawling across the right side of her face. Her pupils close up. “Hisao...,” she whispers.

I look at Akira. “E-excuse me, Hanako, I need to talk to Akira.” She nods, and I pull Akira away from her and into the network of corridors. Once satisfied that Hanako isn't within earshot, I pinch at the corners of my eyes.

“Something wrong?” she asks. I can't tell if she's being sarcastic, rhetorical, serious, or what.

“Yes!” I bite back. She reels back, flinching at my response. “Sorry, didn't mean it to come out that way. Just... what is Hanako doing here?”

“What do you mean what is she doing here? She was Lilly's best friend.”

“But how did she /know/? I didn't tell her anything, and I'm pretty damn sure Lilly didn't, either.”

“I told her.” ...you /what/. “I thought she deserved a chance to pay her final respects.” I lean up against the wall, sighing heavily. “Don't tell me you thought I'd let her miss out on this.”

“To be honest, yeah, I did.”

“Are you still uptight about seeing her? It's been five years, Hisao. /Five. Years./ You've had plenty of time to cope with losing her as a lover, and it was your own damn fault in the first place for friend-zoning yourself.” I clench my eyes shut, hoping to drown out her words. She responds by grabbing my arm and dragging me back toward the main room.

“Hey, hey, where do you think you're taking me?”

“Back to make you talk to her. She's standing there, she wants to talk to you, and you damn well know it. Time for you man up for once.” Oh, goddammit.

She practically throws me back into the room, and I stumble to regain my footing. Hanako's already taken her seat among the audience, eyes glued forward as the little girl with her earlier plays around her feet. I approach them slowly, my feet almost shuffling along the floor. She doesn't take notice of me until I speak. “...Hanako?”

Her neck cranes to lock eyes with me, that same wide-eyed look in hers. “May...,” I continue. “May I sit with you?” She smiles and gives a slight nod, much like the shy girl that I used to know from high school. I take a seat next to her, and the girl with us calms down and takes a seat on her far side.

“So...,” I start, “how have you been?”

“Um... fine. We just moved into town, and Akira called me about Lilly a few days ago. It was... hard. I didn't expect it.”

“None of us did, really. She got the six-month sentence, and at that point we just wanted to make her comfortable.”

“Why... why didn't anyone tell me that she was on her deathbed? I would have come to see her.”

I think for a moment, rubbing my chin. There wasn't really a reason, I guess. It didn't come to mind, and Lilly never mentioned it. Now that I think about it, it's strange that Hanako wasn't on her bucket list, as close as they were. “I honestly don't know.”

“I... see.”

Maybe I should try to lighten the mood. “So, who's the girl?”

“Oh, yes. This is my daughter, Aki. Say hello, Aki.” The girl just clings to her mother's sleeve, hiding behind her slim frame. Hanako giggles. “She's a bit shy, but she's very sweet.”

“Sounds like somebody else I know.” Her face turns red, brushing off my comment. “Who's the father, if I might ask? Must be one lucky man.”

Her expression sours, as if just the thought of him brings her down. “He's... not around anymore.”

I don't respond, nor do we talk again until the funeral starts.

The ceremonies proceed as they should. A man of the faith gives a short eulogy, talks about her religion and the afterlife, and then leads us in a small prayer. They lift Lilly's casket and load it into the hearse for delivery to the crematorium. We all step outside, and Hanako grabs my attention before I get into my car.

“I'm not going,” she says. “I can't bear to watch that.”

“Whatever makes you comfortable. I need to go pick up Akira and take her home after, though.” She offers me a hug, which I graciously accept. I whisper, “It was good seeing you again.”

“Why don't you come by my place later tonight?” she asks. Is this some lewd invitation, Hanako? I thought you were above such things. “Just to talk. I want to fix things. I've already lost one friend, I don't want to lose another if I can help it.” Guess that clarifies it. Glad I was wrong.

“Of course,” I respond. She pulls a slip of paper from her small purse, clicks a pen, and writes down the address. I tuck the note in my pocket and step into my car as she walks away.

I lean my head back on the seat and sigh. Today just got a hell of a lot more interesting.

----------

I'm standing outside Hanako's door. Funny, some years ago, I was in a similar situation: a complete nervous wreck, worried about what might happen within these walls. But this time feels different. First of all, she invited me. She said that she wanted to talk, that she wanted to try and patch things up after Lilly's death. I can't say I blame her. It's been a long time since we last saw each other, and the funeral wasn't exactly the best place to catch up.

Reluctant knocks rap on the wood of her door. I can't walk away now, not without looking a total fool. As if it was possible to look otherwise anyway.

The tumblers in the latch twist and turn, though they seem to struggle. A light, tinny voice greets me from the cracked opening. “H-hello?” She sounds just like her mother.

I bend down, putting my hands on my knees. “Hello, Aki. Is your mom home?” She nods. “Can you get her for me?” Another nod, and she heads back into the dark of their apartment.

“Mommy!” she cries. “The man from the funeral is here!” I guess that's one way to describe me.

I invite myself in, removing my shoes and placing them by the door. Hanako's apartment is small, quaint. Big enough for three people to live comfortably, though one has gone away. Her living room is decorated with a black sofa along the wall, facing toward a small television and entertainment center. I notice a few picture frames sitting on the sides, encasing photos of their little family. One of the panes is cracked along the man's face, spidering across to Hanako's. My fingers graze along the deformed surface. “I'm sorry, Hanako...” I whisper.

“Sorry for what?” I turn to see her standing in the opening to the living room from the entrance, wearing a set of lounging pants and a loose t-shirt. Aki clings to her leg, hiding behind the pale figure.

I remove my hand from the picture. “Nothing.”

As I walk over to Hanako, she pats her daughter on the head, smiling. “Aki, why don't you go get ready for bed? Mommy will be up in a minute to tuck you in.” The little girl nods and rushes up the stairs, leaving us alone in this room.

“She's adorable,” I remark. “Just as shy as you were all those years ago.”

She giggles, one of those things she never really did at Yamaku. Five years has done a lot for her. “I'm very proud of her, though,” she responds. “She's just a bit timid, is all.” Extending her arm, she invites me to sit on the sofa with her. “Let's talk.”

I oblige, taking my place on the far cushion away from her. Despite her wanting to bring us closer together, I don't want to seem like I'm desperate for companionship. Even though I definitely am. Lilly was one of the last friends I had left, and now Hanako magically comes back when she leaves? Seems almost a bit too good to be true.

“Before we get too into it,” she says, “let me go put Aki to bed.”

“Too… into it?” She glares at me, catching where my mind went with that pretty quickly. My face heats up. “No, no, not what I meant!”

She just laughs. “I know. Be right back, Hisao.”

As she heads up the stairs after Aki, I start to think about why I'm here. Even though she supposedly just wants to rebuild all the burned bridges, I can't help but feel that there's more to it than that. Why did it take Lilly's funeral to really bring us back together? That worries me. I know that she's been struggling recently... for years even. Can I really pull her out of that?

“Hisao.” Her voice is but a whisper, standing in the opening next to the staircase. She's smiling. “Come upstairs. I want you to see something.” I nod and tag along with her up the stairs. My first footstep on the wooden planks creaks through the house, and she shushes me. “She's asleep. Don't wake her.” I take extra care to ensure that my feet move silently from then on.

Aki's room is just up the stairs on the left side of the hallway. The door is slightly ajar, just enough to peek inside. Even so, Hanako nudges it open bit by bit until the entire room is in view. Covered in various tints of green and stuffed animals, it's a typical little girl's bedroom. In the center, the owner lies beneath her sheets, drowning in her own dreams. Her face is turned toward us, the rhythm of her small breaths forcing the covers up and down in time.

“Beautiful, isn't she?” Hanako asks.

“Yeah. Absolutely so.” I start taking a few steps toward the bed before turning back to face her. She nods, knowing what I want. I take each step cautiously, trying to make as little noise as possible. Successfully managing to make it over to Aki's bedside without disturbing her, I squat onto her level. Adorable is an understatement. With a smile, I place a hand on her shoulder. She stirs, but not enough to awaken, and pulls the sheets closer to her. It's a simple gesture, but all I wanted to do.

Satisfied, I walk back to Hanako with the same level of care. She closes the door behind us as we walk out. “I didn't tell you who the father was earlier.”

Yeah, she didn't. “Does it matter?”

“Eiji. The same man I met not long after I moved away from you and Lilly.” So that's why she didn't want to talk about it earlier. Her first shared love left her behind.

“Why isn't he around?”

She chuckles slightly, choking back a few tears. “It's a long story.”

“I've got time.”

With a deep inhale and a long exhale, she starts heading toward her room. I follow. Boxes litter the floor inside, still caught in the unpacking stage. A few pictures sit on her dresser, but none of her and another man. There are some of her and Aki at all stages of her daughter's short life. How long has he been gone?

“It's been three and a half years now.” I turn my attention away from the pictures to the source of her voice. She's holding a single frame in her hands, one of just her and another man. She brushes the surface lightly with her fingertips. “Since he left.”

“But he's her dad, right? And she can't be older than three. That means...” She turns her head and nods, eyes bloodshot.

“She doesn't know him. She never did. I'm all she has.”

“So... I guess I can ask you the same question, then.” Her eyes are inquisitive, wondering where I'm going next. “From earlier today. You said Eiji left over three years ago. Why didn't you call us? We would've been there in a heartbeat.” It's a small lie. I'm still not convinced that I could have been there for her. It was hard enough at Yamaku. I loved watching her grow into her own person, but knowing that we weren't going to be together pained me.

“To tell the truth...,” she answers after a long thought, hanging her head. “I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

She tilts her head back up to stare at me. “That you might hate me for leaving.”

I wrap her up in my arms, and she reluctantly returns it. “Hanako, you left to find your own way, without me and Lilly. We couldn't hate you for that.” I pull away slightly to lock gazes with her. “When you stopped sending letters, Lilly took it as a sign that you didn't need her anymore. I... I guess that's why she didn't want you there when she died. She didn't want you to feel any more pain. You were happy, and that's all she really cared about.”

Hanako flinches and breaks contact, falling onto the mattress behind her, eyes quivering with some concoction of fear, worry, and depression. “W-we never married. I couldn't do it. And then I got p-pregnant with Aki and... he left.” As she pours her heart out to me, that familiar stammer returns. I take a seat next to her, offering only a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “She doesn't even know her own dad, and I failed her in that. Looking back, I... I just wanted to make him happy. I guess I wasn't good enough.”

“That's no way to think.”

“Th-then why did he leave me?!” The anger dripping from her voice doesn't suit her, though that might be the bad memories coming back to me. I reel back for a second, causing her to instantly regret her words. “H-Hisao... I'm sorry.”

“No, don't be. You're hurt, Hanako. It's expected.” She falls forward onto me, using my chest as a crying pillow. Wetness streams down her face and through my shirt, and I give her a couple of light pats on the head.

“W-why does it hurt so bad?” she asks, her voice muffled against my shirt. “I loved him. I shouldn't feel this way.

“Because we hate it when people leave us.” I start drawing from my own experience with her. “Because we feel like we did something wrong, like we could have fixed it somehow if things went a little differently.” I glue my eyes shut, thinking back on our time at Yamaku. On all of our shared experiences, and how I failed to let her grow into her own person. Now she sits here, practically begging for my love. Should I be doing this for her?

I'm not sure, to be honest. Nor do I really care.

“I wish so many things were different...” My voice is soft, raspy, tired. A man pushed to the brink of collapse from pure exhaustion. I can only imagine what /she/ feels like, having to deal with the collective loss of both her best friend and re-living the departure of her lover within the same week. Now, the three of us - Hanako, Aki, and myself - are alone in the world. All we have is each other, and this is our broken little family now.

My fingers drift along Hanako's cheek, gently stroking the scarring of her skin as my other hand runs through the hairs on the back of her head. My forehead meets hers, and she grabs my wrist instinctively to push me away. But I don't think she can push me away any longer. Especially not now, in this moment of weakness for the both of us.

She leaves her hand there, loosening her grip and moving the other to my sternum. Just as I traced lines along her face, so too does her touch glide along the contours of my chest. I pick up her chin, lifting her face to look into the eye untouched by her scarring. Slowly, gently, I brush her hair back and tuck it behind her ear. She does not object.

“I do, too,” she whispers back. Her eyes are blank ahead, our gazes locked perfectly. I catch a hint of sadness in her eyes. Remorse, even. As if she was trying to apologize for that one afternoon at Yamaku, so long ago. Longing for a second chance, for a way to make things the way that we both wanted them to be back then. “I... I wish she was yours.”

The bomb has dropped. “Hanako, you don't mean that.”

“But I do!” Her response is quick, loud, ensuring that I don't interrupt her. “When... when you came into my room that day, I w-wasn't sure what to think. P-part of me wanted... to scream. To be angry at you.” She looks back up at me, her gray eyes reddened and bloodshot. “But I couldn't. B-because I knew how good of a friend you had been to me. And... and because I wanted you to be more than just my friend.”

I pull her close, enveloping her in my embrace. “I'll always try to be that friend. No matter what. And... I'm sorry that we couldn't protect you this time.” She lets out a sigh of relief.

“It's... okay. I wanted to... to grow into my own person. That's why I left, right?”

I break away, giving her a sincere smile. “I'm almost glad you did. You always were a beautiful person. And you've become quite the young woman, if I may say so.”

A smile flashes across her mouth for but an instant. The hand resting on my chest moves up my neck, across my face, and around to the back of my head. Her eyes shimmer from her crying, a combination of both sadness and joy at this point. I start to lose track of time, just looking into those brilliant gray irises. At some point, my hands move to her waist. Her face inches closer and closer to mine, our breathing intensifying.

She makes the move, pulling my lips into hers. They taste faintly of cherries, as soft as I imagined they would be. A long sigh escapes her nostrils as we both sink into the moment, my hands moving to opposite sides of her waist. Her fingers run through my hair, extracting every drop of passion she can find. But this doesn't feel lustful. It feels like two lost lovers being reunited. Brought together by chance, under some terrible circumstances and making the most of what they have.

“Hisao...” she mutters as she pulls away. “Am I crazy?”

“Why on earth would you be crazy?”

“For wanting this. For wanting you, even after all these years. Even after everything that's happened, all the ways I screwed up-”

I shush her with another kiss. I can feel the smile curling into her mouth, the heat of our bodies melding together. She has her answer, and it's exactly the one she hoped for. As I pull away this time, she leans forward, longing for more. I chuckle a bit, and she laughs along with me.

“Only as crazy as I am.”