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- [announcer] Ladies and gentleman, and all you other motherfuckers, get up off your ass for the baddest bitch:
- Amy Schumer!
- -[music playing] -[cheers and applause]
- Yeah!
- What the fuck is up, Denver?!
- [cheers and applause]
- Thank you so much for coming out. Oh, my God.
- This is such a big deal for me.
- I don't know if you guys know this, but this past year,
- I've gotten very rich, famous and humble.
- [audience laughing]
- Thank you. Thank you.
- And maybe you caught this. I don't know who saw this.
- I tweeted out a photo of myself wearing just underwear.
- Nothing but underwear.
- [cheering]
- Thank you, just the women.
- What the fuck?
- No!
- It's too late, sir.
- This could have been crumpled on your floor in the morning, but no.
- I like the idea of this being crumpled on someone's floor.
- Having to put this back on in the morning. Just, like...
- [grunting]
- And you're like, "Call me." And then--
- Imagine doing a walk of shame in this shit.
- You're like, "Hi. Taxi."
- They're like, "Hmm.
- That's an actual trash bag. It looks like a Glad bag."
- I feel like every comedian needs a leather special.
- Right? Every comic has some special
- where they wear all leather, and they regret it later.
- It's my fucking moment! Leather Special!
- Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
- Already regret it. Already regret it.
- Very overheated. Very overheated.
- So, I tweet out this photo of myself.
- I'm holding coffee. I'm topless in just underwear, and it goes viral.
- It was everywhere, every news show, every website,
- and that's when I learned the word you don't want people to use
- when a nude photo of you goes viral.
- "Brave."
- Um...
- Can you imagine? You take your clothes off in front of someone for the first time,
- and they're just like, "Damn!
- You look mad brave right now.
- Whoo-ee!
- Shorty looks empowered!" Like, no!
- As if I'm standing there, like, "I am brave!"
- No, just fuck me.
- I am blacking out tonight. I am blacking out tonight. Anybody?
- [cheers and applause]
- Who loves you?
- [speaks in childish gibberish]
- If you're a real winner, then you'll-- Has anyone ever blacked out
- and been awake when they've come out of it?
- -[woman] Yes! -Thank you! Thank you, sister!
- It's cool 'cause it's like you're a time traveler.
- You're just, like, back in your body, like...
- "What are people wearing now?" And you just kind of keep moving.
- I, one time, in college-- thank you--
- I came out of a blackout,
- and there was a stranger going down on me.
- So, I was like, "Okay."
- I decided to tap him gently.
- So as not to startle him, you know?
- "Sir!"
- So--
- 'Cause I'm laying there, and I'm like,
- "What do I know about this guy at this point, right?
- I know that he has brown hair.
- And I know that he is a hero."
- He's brave, okay?
- He's brave, and I'm gonna tell you why he's brave,
- and this does not leave this theater.
- And this does not leave your home.
- Here's why he's brave. On my pussy's best day...
- It's not every day.
- It's almost no day.
- But, you know, you wake up, you're having a good puss day.
- And maybe you know you're gonna have a visitor,
- so in the shower, you get very real in there, you know.
- You pull things back you don't usually.
- You kind of </span><span style="style_2">Minority Report your own pussy.
- [grunting]
- . You just kind of get in.
- "Gotta find Barb, guys. She's in there."
- If you have access to a detachable showerhead,
- guess what?
- I just want you guys to think that that's how big my pussy is.
- Just like... hmm.
- It's really like... hmm?
- After all of that...
- on its already best day...
- [groans]
- my pussy smells...
- like a small barnyard animal, okay?
- Small. Small.
- I didn't, like-- not like a big, fucked-up llama,
- like, chewing and spitting and reeking. No!
- Little. Like a goat. You just--
- You buy the food pellets, you know, and you feed it,
- and it's like... And you're like, "Aah! he ate it."
- You don't go like, "Eww!" You go, "I want to get to a sink.
- Kind of soon.
- Kind of soon would be good." [chuckles]
- 'Cause it does smell.
- That's on its best day.
- On its worst day...
- after a blackout...
- ISIS.
- It's fucked up, guys.
- It's bad. And you know what? That's fine.
- That is the nature of a pussy. Right?
- We're so worried and ashamed.
- Our moms never sat us down and said, "Okay, honey,
- one day, you're sometimes gonna have homeless pussy.
- Lights out." Like, no.
- They don't tell you.
- And that's just the fucking nature of it.
- And it's like, we're so embarrassed.
- I know some girls who won't let anybody go down on them.
- They're just like, "No, I don't know what's going on down there."
- I'm like, "What?"
- Like, I will forward your mail. Go.
- Head on down.
- Head on down to Puss Town. And--
- And if that's not your thing, fine, you know?
- If I ever started dating a guy,
- and he was like, "You know what, it's not my thing,"
- I'd be like, "That's fine."
- And then I would invite him to go hiking at Red Rocks,
- and I would push him off a fucking mountain.
- Just...
- [imitates thud]
- [imitates thuds]
- Right? And then they come up, and they go to kiss you, and you go...
- "Oh!
- No. Mm-mm.
- [groaning]
- Mm-mm.
- I don't want to."
- Yeah, right. Me, I'm like... [groans]
- I love that shit, that's sexy.
- That's hot. I'm like, "Mmm. Soup."
- I...
- Don't even. I see some of the girls, just a couple, you guys are close.
- They're like, "No..."
- [muttering]
- Yes.
- I wish we were raised more like men.
- Right? Just, like, here's an example of how we're different.
- We're so worried about our pussies, right?
- Have you ever had a guy come in your mouth and go...
- [inhales]
- "Does it taste okay?
- [whimpering]
- I haven't been drinking a lot of water, and I was a little worried."
- [nervous muttering]
- No!
- That would never happen.
- Because, men, you weren't raised to hate yourselves.
- You were raised, and your parents,
- they're just like, "Everything you do is a miracle."
- a miracle!"
- And don't get me wrong, you guys.
- We love your come.
- Only complaint: We want more of it.
- More, more, more. We want to do snow angels in it.
- Yay!
- Yay!
- Mmm.
- Is there anything bad about come? I can't think of anything.
- Oh, wait, I just thought of something.
- If you got even a drop of it in your mouth,
- the rest of the day, you're going...
- [grunting and exhaling]
- "I'm fine.
- [retching]
- I'm fine. I'm fine. [retches] Keep the meeting going."
- [grunts]
- [gargling]
- That is awful. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself...
- on the big screens, doing shows.
- First of all, I'm like, "Who's that dude?"
- Like, I seriously--
- I have good self-esteem, I do.
- But I'll catch a glimpse of myself on the screen sometimes,
- and I'm like, "I shouldn't be here. I should be on a mound, going, like..."
- You know?
- [deep voice] "Good job, ladies.
- One more, ladies."
- Let me be real, because I was doing an interview.
- It was me and Bill Hader,
- and the interviewer was asking him hard-hitting questions
- like, "What are your favorite German beers?"
- And then he was asking me softballs like,
- "What's it like to fuck you?"
- And Bill was upset. He was like, "You don't have to answer that, Amy."
- And I was like, "He's gonna find out anyway, Bill!
- Shut up, Bill."
- But I told him, and I will tell you guys exactly what it's like to fuck me.
- Have you ever seen somebody standing on a box,
- painted all silver, in a town square?
- And you don't know if they're alive or not.
- But every once in a while, just, "Boop!" You're like, "Oh, it's a person!"
- That's what it's like to fuck me. That's it.
- Like a street performer mime in a town square.
- Except no one's ever given me a dollar.
- I don't do shit.
- I lay there. I either lay on my back,
- like that, or if I want to blow his fucking mind,
- sometimes I lie on my stomach, just like this.
- Comes right away.
- Men deserve more credit.
- They do, when it comes to sex.
- We don't have to do anything.
- You guys, men, you have to work so hard to fuck us.
- You have to get hard, you have to stay hard,
- and you have to go like this.
- [grunting]
- I feel like it would be funny to do that longer, but it hurts.
- I can't believe you guys do that. That sucks for you.
- My boyfriend usually comes in me.
- He usually comes in me, but sometimes you want to mix it up.
- You gotta have fun.
- We'll be having sex, and then he'll ask my favorite question:
- "Where should I come?"
- First of all, I'm like, "Thank you for thinking of me.
- [chuckles] Like...
- How did I even come up in your thoughts?"
- And...
- "Where should I come?"
- As a comic, I want to fuck around and be like,
- "In this jar!" I'm just, like...
- "Where should I come?"
- [belches]
- What do you think?
- What do you think? There's three answers, right?
- If you're lying on your back, what are the three places?
- -[man] Tits! -[second man] Face.
- -[woman] Butt! -Yes.
- She goes, "Your butt." What?
- I'm laying here.
- I just went over. I'm not on the fucking Broncos or whatever.
- I'm not in practice...
- [grunting]
- "Your butt." You're so cute.
- No!
- He goes, "Your head." What are you talking about?
- Just... [imitates splat]
- "I'm the prettiest girl in Colorado."
- "Your head."
- -No. -[woman] Tits!
- Yes.
- Your tits.
- Great answer. Your tits.
- And you have to say it like your psyched about it.
- "Where should I come?" You have to go, "My titties!"
- And--
- And he goes, "Are you sure?" And you go...
- "Uh-huh! Mm-hmm.
- I love it. I love it."
- I hate not having come on my tits. I just--
- Walking around all day, I'm at the bank, "Zero come on my tits.
- Ohh."
- My titties.
- I also love the question because of the confidence of it, right?
- "Where should I come?"
- I don't know about you guys.
- type accuracy.
- Where I could be like, "Right here.
- Hit the moving target."
- I'm like, "Okay, Katniss... Um..."
- Now, most of the time-- tell me if this is true for you guys--
- he's like, "All right, are you ready? Are those titties ready?"
- And you're like, "Mm-hmm."
- He's like, "Here it comes."
- [imitates dribbling sound]
- Right on the hand. Just a dribble, just--
- A second ago, you were the most powerful man alive.
- Now you're just the last boy at a carnival
- with a melting ice cream cone.
- And, God, we don't care. I've never been, like...
- [whining voice] "Well, you said you'd come on my titties."
- We don't. No girl cares.
- But then there's that move
- where in a moment of desperation, the guy will be like...
- And they try to finger paint. You're like, "No, no, no!
- It didn't happen for you. We're closed."
- Sometimes it happens. For three seconds, that means you go...
- "Yay!"
- And then you just kind of look at each other, like...
- And if you're with a really sweet guy,
- he'll go, "Babe, do you want me to go get you a..."
- [snoring]
- You're like, "No, I got it. You catch some much deserved shut-eye."
- And then that's when we make the shelf.
- Right, girls? That's what you do.
- You don't want it to just fucking-- You don't want to--
- So you block it and you walk it.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's the saddest shelf in the world.
- And I've been to the Anne Frank House.
- I'm a German Jew. There used to be more of us.
- So... what happened?
- Oh, my God.
- It's weird to have a boyfriend. I've been on the road for so long.
- I really like having a boyfriend.
- I really love this guy. I met him on a dating app.
- Yeah. We met-- When I signed up, they were like,
- "Congratulations. You have a free lifetime membership."
- And I was like, "Well, that's discouraging."
- Like, "What the fuck?"
- When I met him, he was the first-- He's the only guy I met on there.
- I liked him right away. I really liked him.
- I was like, "I'm gonna make this guy wait."
- And I did. Like, all through dinner.
- No, we didn't go to dinner. I--
- I don't know. I don't have an adult manning the ship.
- There's no one like, "Mnh-mnh-mnh.
- Not till date seven." I'm just--
- If I want cake, I'm like, "We're having cake today."
- If I'm wet, I'm like, "Well, let's get a dick in there."
- Just... [humming]
- But I am a germophobe, and that's why I told him,
- before we did anything sexually, "Look, just so you know,
- I know for a fact that I don't have any diseases left.
- They all burned out."
- I was like, "What about you?"
- And he was like, "I've never been tested."
- And I was like, "Oh, mysterious.
- Is David Blaine in the house?"
- We went to Paris.
- I'd never been to France because I'm trash.
- And...
- we went, and we were excited.
- We've been together under a year, so...
- we've been trying to keep it pretty sexy, but we both got violent food poisoning.
- Like, violent. So, yeah. And we're not the couple that's like,
- "I'm gonna go take a deuce, babe." You know, like...
- We're trying to keep it, like--
- Under a year. We're still lying.
- So--
- So, our last night, after all week, we're like, "Eiffel Tower--"
- just the biggest dickheads--
- we both get violent food poisoning, and our hotel was one of the rooms
- where we had one bathroom,
- and it was the kind where, like, the bed was right there,
- then you're in the bathroom, and if you went...
- [soft grunt]
- you would loudly hear it.
- So, it hits him first. And he's in there, just...
- [retching]
- And then, the way it manifested itself in me...
- is--
- How do I say this and not be gross?
- I was in the bathroom just, like...
- [imitating machine gun]
- Machine-gun shitting out of my ass. Just...
- [imitating machine gun]
- Violent diarrhea.
- He... It's over. I'm yelling at him. [imitating machine gun]
- I'm like, "It was so cool dating you. Good luck.
- You're gonna meet the greatest girl.
- She's out there for you."
- [imitating machine gun]
- He's fucking puking.
- He's putting his head where I was. [imitating machine gun]
- And this is puke. And it's--
- And then I thought I was just gonna be the one, the shit one,
- and he was the puke one, but I'm in there, and I'm--
- And then he hears me go, "Fuck!"
- And I grab the trash can, and I start...
- [retching]
- All my holes. Shit's coming out all my holes.
- Then I realize there's holes in the bottom of the trash can I'm puking in.
- All over my knees.
- So, I walk out of the bathroom, and I'm like...
- I'm like, "Are you gonna propose on this trip?"
- He's like, "No, I am not."
- Oh, God.
- If you know me, you know I'm on the NuvaRing for birth control.
- That's my thing. It's easy, I don't have to remember to take a pill.
- Not that I ever have trouble doing that.
- But the NuvaRing, if you don't know, is this little latex thing
- you put in the back of your puss.
- And then you take it out every three weeks
- and just bleed all over the furniture.
- Am I using it right? So...
- I don't know why they won't sponsor me.
- So, we're, like-- You can leave it in during sex.
- But I wanted to take it out, just, like, the thought of it.
- So, you got to get in there, it's in the back.
- So, he's right over me. I'm like, "Hold on a sec."
- And so, I stick my finger,
- and I try to scoop it with my middle finger.
- And I shoot it up there,
- and that's when I accidentally went knuckle-deep with my ring finger
- into my own asshole.
- I shrieked. I went...
- [screams]
- And he went, "What?" And I went, "I put my finger in my butt."
- And he was like, "Can anybody do that?" I was like, "No!
- I'm not opening up a conversation about this."
- The mystery is over.
- We made it through that.
- I don't know why I'm on birth control anymore.
- You guys know that there's now a male birth control pill.
- Do you know this?
- They're still testing it, but I want him to go on it immediately.
- I just can't imagine that era, though, of guys, like--
- Imagine you go home with a guy
- and you're gonna have sex with him, and you get a condom out of your purse,
- and he just goes...
- "Oh.
- No.
- It's cool.
- I'm on the pill."
- "What?
- You're on what?"
- His phone alarm goes off. He's like, "Excuse me."
- Pop. No.
- [sighs] God.
- Yeah, I'm all good. I'm so happy to be in this relationship.
- The only problem is I'm not the girl who's like,
- "Yeah, like, ever since we've been together,
- I've just kind of chilled with drinking."
- If anything, it's skyrocketed. Like--
- Yeah, I still black out on the reg.
- I know it's not cool. It sucks because, for years, I've been blacking out,
- and I'll just be by myself, and I fart in a pillow,
- but now there's a witness.
- I got a witness.
- It sucks.
- So, I blacked out the other night.
- You know how I do. Just a little wine, edibles.
- I'm like, "This is missing something. Xanax."
- Very dangerous. Do not recommend. Okay?
- But I have a very sophisticated palate.
- So...
- I black out. And I just wake up in the morning.
- I don't even look at him, but I can feel that he hates me.
- You know that feeling? It's like, "What's that in the air?"
- [inhales]
- It's rage and it's all directed at me, so...
- I was like, "I'm gonna play stupid." I just roll over, and I'm just...
- "Mmm! Morning!
- [giggling]
- So, should we list all the things that we're grateful for?
- I'm grateful for you."
- [giggles]
- And he just stares at me. He's just...
- "Well... okay."
- I'm like, "Okay, what did I get into last night?
- Did I just, like, say my prayers and go to sleep?"
- [giggles]
- Ding! He's like, "No."
- Okay.
- "Did I give you a surprise blowjob?"
- I like the idea of, like, "Blowjob?"
- A girl who doesn't know how to do the blowjob symbol.
- What?
- And he's like, "Ame, any blowjob would be a huge surprise at this point."
- And I don't want you guys to think I'm not giving. I love going down on him.
- I think you've got to go down.
- Go down. I love it. I love him, I love doing it.
- But there are guys who you go down for 90 seconds, and they're, like...
- [splat] And you're like, "Still got it."
- And then...
- There are guys like my boyfriend, where if I want to blow him to completion,
- it takes between ten and 12 years.
- And in my twenties, I'd roll up my sleeves, crack my--
- [imitates bones cracking]
- You know, I have a--
- All right.
- [singing practice notes]
- Red leather, yellow leather.
- I don't even know that girl anymore.
- She is gone.
- That girl gone.
- I go down for a while, though.
- I went down on him very recently, and he yawned.
- [yawns]
- I'm like, "If there's a God, he'll put a dick right in your mouth now."
- Gong!
- If I'm down there long enough that you're yawning, guess what?
- <p begin="18779594166t" end="18793357916t" region="region_1" xml:id="subtitle488"><span style="style_2">♪ I'm coming up ♪
- [humming]
- Fuck you.
- I'm so fun to date.
- So, I'm like, "Okay, what did I do when I blacked out?"
- He goes, "Okay. What you did
- was you started pounding Ritz Crackers."
- I'm like, "I'm sure I wasn't pounding them."
- He's like, "You looked like a contestant on a reality show."
- Okay.
- Then he said I started on the other sleeve.
- And this is an exact quote.
- He said that I was "using butter as if it were guacamole."
- Just, "Mmm."
- Just slack-jawed, dead-eyed butter-eating.
- Then he said that I tried to make two frozen pizzas at once,
- because I wanted to eat them like a hamburger.
- And he said that he was like, "Ame, what are you doing?"
- And I accused him of judging me.
- I was like, "You're judging me!" Chasing him around the apartment.
- And then he said I got in bed, and I stacked all of the pillows,
- four pillows on my side,
- and I put my head right on top.
- And he went, "Amy, we each get two pillows."
- And I went, "Not tonight, motherfucker!"
- [snoring]
- <p begin="19875689166t" end="19908638750t" region="region_1" xml:id="subtitle514"><span style="style_2">♪ Isn't she lovely ♪
- Hey, thank you.
- Oh, God.
- Soon, it'll be just us.
- Oh, my God. I really love his whole family.
- No bullshit. They're from the Midwest.
- Yeah. The happiest people. The happiest people.
- I mean, in L.A., I feel like they pretend.
- Everyone's like, "I'm doing great,"
- and you're like, "Stay away from cliffs."
- But in the Midwest, they're just so psyched.
- And his mom is the happiest person I've ever met.
- Her name is Deb, and Deb is just the happiest person.
- She gets everything wrong. She'll be like, "We took a U-ber here."
- I'm like, "What?"
- She's like, "I like that boy. What's his name? Seeth Rogen?"
- I'm like, "That's absolutely no one's name."
- Everywhere she walks,
- it looks like she was called out as a contestant on </span><span style="style_2">The Price Is Right.
- She's just, "Whoo!"
- I lucked out, though. I promise you I love her.
- I'm not complaining. I feel like I really lucked out
- because a lot of the guys I've dated,
- their moms have had a vibe with them where they're like,
- "Ohh.
- wanted to fuck my son.
- [groaning]
- No, it's fine. You kids have fun.
- I just always thought we'd wind up together. I don't know."
- And as the girl, you have to act like it's not happening.
- Like, a stutter. You have to be, like...
- So, I know what you guys are thinking this part of the night.
- You're like, "Amy, well, you're really well-read."
- Um...
- And I am. Look.
- "Wine."
- And I don't think I'm any better now. You guys, I hope you know.
- Like, I know I am trash from Long Island. I have a lower-back tattoo
- that is raised and crooked, and it doesn't mean anything,
- and I have been fingered by a cab driver.
- At my request.
- Constantly reminded, anything good or fancy that happens,
- I get brought down to Earth right quick.
- Anything. Like, our TV show won a Peabody Award,
- which I didn't even know what that was. Very high, very fancy.
- It's for people in media making a difference. It's a big deal.
- And the other people there were people like the Ebola fighters,
- and Malala,
- and our show,
- and...
- so, we go, and we're like, "Okay. Thank you for including us."
- And at the beginning of the awards, they showed a little clip
- of each person's project.
- And you don't know what they're gonna choose.
- And so, first, they show a clip
- of the Ebola fighters in the suits,
- this documentary where they go in and they're saving lives,
- the bravest people in the word. And then Malala.
- Like, Malala-ing, you know?
- And then...
- they show a clip of our show.
- We're like, "What are they gonna choose? We've done so much for so many."
- The clip they chose was me taking a giant bite out of a burger,
- going, "I'm gonna go make some room," and walking to the toilet.
- It was Malala being fitted for a glass eye.
- And then me like, "I'm gonna take a violent dump. You guys good?"
- came out,
- two girls named Mayci Breaux and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed
- at the movie theater when they went to see my movie.
- And the feeling of putting something out and being excited,
- and then finding out that these two beautiful, amazing, smart women
- who just wanted to have a good time, went and got murdered
- was crushing and...
- Yeah, and I just wanted to do something about it.
- I knew nothing about gun violence,
- and I found out that the guy who shot them was severely mentally ill
- and a domestic abuser.
- And I was like, "Well, okay. Why could he get a gun?"
- I wasn't educated. But I found out that if you are severely mentally ill
- or have been convicted of domestic violence,
- there are loopholes where it's not that hard to get a firearm.
- And I was like, "Well, I really want to help make it more difficult
- for people who are severely mentally ill or domestic abusers--"
- [cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
- I believe in the right to bear arms. Second Amendment, yes.
- I've been friends with gun owners.
- But what I learned was, no matter what you say,
- as soon as you say the word "gun,"
- what gun nuts hear is just, "You want to take all our guns!
- That shifty G wants our guns!"
- I'm like, "No, you seem great. You should get more guns."
- Let's get this guy more guns, right?
- "Our Amendment!" You're like, "Okay, okay."
- "The government wants my house!"
- I'm like, "You don't have a house. You live in a trailer with no windows.
- What are you talking about?"
- And then I found out-- and you guys probably already know this--
- that if you're on the terrorist watch list--
- like, not just the no-fly list, but the straight-up terrorist watch list--
- you can easily get a gun.
- And so, that same guy is like,
- "Get out of our country, foreigner!
- But while you're here, please, enjoy our firearms legally."
- If you're blind--
- If you're blind as a fucking bat, you can walk into a gun store,
- hopefully.
- There's more gun stores than Starbucks and McDonald's combined in our country,
- so your chances are good.
- You walk in,
- and you go, "I want a gun!" And they go, "We're over here."
- Then you go, "Oh, okay."
- "I'll take it."
- And they go, "That's the phone." You go, "Oh. Well..."
- Like, all about equal rights for the disabled,
- but if Stevie Wonder calls me and he's like,
- "You want to go shooting today?" I'm gonna be like, "Hard pass."
- The thing you look through to aim is called a "sight!"
- But you don't need that.
- They get a gun.
- So I'm like, "Okay. I would love it-- Can we just work on not giving guns
- to mentally ill terrorists who are blind and beat their wives?"
- "What?!
- What's next? You want us to fuck animals?"
- I'm like, "I've been fucking animals my whole life, sir."
- And you know what? I totally hear you guys.
- You're like, "Schumer, you were talking about come all over your tits.
- Now we have to listen to this shit?"
- But what's crazy is that you can catch a hot load all over your titties
- and still not want your loved ones to get shot in a theater.
- [cheers and applause]
- You know what?
- I don't know if you guys noticed,
- but I am what Hollywood calls "very fat."
- No, you guys know. You know me.
- I feel very good in my own skin. I feel strong. I feel healthy.
- [cheers and applause]
- I do. I feel sexy.
- Also, like, my dad has MS and is in a wheelchair.
- And it's, like, I'm just so psyched I can fucking move.
- I'm just like, "Fuck you." How are you gonna complain?
- [mutters] How do I get rid--" Shut the fuck up!
- You're alive.
- You can move and we feel good.
- And, you know, I bought into it,
- ,
- before I did anything, somebody explained to me,
- they were like, "Just so you know, Amy, no pressure.
- But if you weigh over 140 pounds, it will hurt people's eyes."
- And I was like... [groans]
- I just bought it. I was like, "Okay, I'm new to town."
- And so, I lost weight,
- and I think you should feel healthy and take care of yourself.
- But I don't believe in, like, crash dieting or starving yourself.
- Like, get the fuck out of here.
- No. Let's just, you know-- It's just not right.
- Yeah, so, thank God I look very stupid skinny.
- My dumb head stays the same size.
- But then my body shrivels,
- and I just look like a Thanksgiving parade float of Tonya Harding.
- I'm just like, "Hi!"
- Nobody likes it. It's not cute on me.
- So, I, like, gained all this weight back.
- I just revenge-ate as soon as the movie was over.
- I was just, "I couldn't have pizza. I couldn't have--"
- Like, everything. And I got worried, because it gets in your head,
- just everything on television and movies and magazines and the Internet.
- All the women are just beautiful, like, little skeletons with tits,
- and you're just, like--
- All day I'm looking at the Hadid sisters and, like, those Jenner things,
- and you're just, like...
- And I got worried. I gained weight.
- I'm like, "Oh, my God. Are men gonna still be attracted to me?"
- And that's when I remembered-- I always forget this--
- it's another reason I love men so much.
- Men, each day, have a thought that goes through their head
- where they're, like...
- "I don't know why, but I want to put my penis right in your butthole."
- A couple times a day, someone walks by.
- "Huh."
- You know, just...
- They're like, "Look, it doesn't make sense to me, either,
- but I know for a fact
- I want to take the most sensitive, intimate part of myself
- and just, like, ram it right where you poop. Just, like, ram it!"
- [grunting]
- They're thinking that, and I'm over here like,
- "Oh, should I get highlights?"
- Like...
- He doesn't care!
- He doesn't care.
- "Honey, do you like my new nail color? It's ballet slipper."
- "I would fuck you if your head was a ballet slipper.
- I don't care."
- We work so hard, and they don't fucking care.
- Isn't that a relaxing thought?
- Like, not anal. But, like, men will fuck us, you know?
- If they fuck us, they will come.
- It's a beautiful, easy sweatshirt that's available on my--
- No, I'm just kidding.
- I am the shittiest famous person, okay?
- I'm a shitty famous person.
- Yes, I know. I always-- I can't believe it's still going on.
- I say what I mean. I dress like garbage.
- Like, my sister and I... And I tried really hard.
- I'm like, "Okay, like, let's do our best
- and tape it up and spackle it down and..."
- [groans]
- But after I leave here, I will look like a newly homeless person very quickly.
- Very quickly, trust me.
- My sister dresses the same, but they'll still write about us
- as if we're the Kardashians.
- They'll be like, "The Schumer sisters stepped out today.
- Amy opted for performance fleece...
- and a pleather jacket from Forever 21."
- And my favorite thing they ever wrote was,
- "And Kim chose to wear a bright red-and-gold beanie
- to add to her ensemble."
- It was a Gryffindor hat.
- Like, look at this. It's a fucking Gryffindor hat.
- The most disappointing people ever to be photographed.
- Look at this. It looks like we were moving,
- and we ran out of bags,
- so we're like, "Let's just wear it all.
- We'll just wear it all. Never a bra. Never a problem."
- Look at my sister's shoe game. Can you check this out?
- Ballet flats from Payless.
- H&M zebra pants. What's up?
- What's up now, Internet?
- They photographed me once, and this was the headline:
- "Schumer buys pastry so she can work out."
- Kind of mean, right?
- No, they hit the nail right on the fucking head.
- That's what I do to work out.
- That's what I do. Before I work out, I go buy a scone,
- and then I slowly walk around a reservoir, and I eat it.
- My workouts are like a woman in hospice.
- Just, like, nibbling on a baked good, looking at the trees and the birds.
- "Mmm."
- I'm so disappointing to them as a famous person
- that they'll try to make it sound sexier than it is.
- They're like, "Schumer flaunting her legs in teeny-tiny shorts."
- And you guys have eyes.
- You understand that that is not available to me.
- Like, there's no separation between church and state up here, okay?
- This area does not--
- There's no-- It's not happening.
- I didn't even know what a thigh gap was.
- I was like, "Is that like the wage gap? Do we need to rally against this?"
- Since I'm ten years old, I can't wear tiny shorts.
- If I take one step, all the material shoots up my pussy.
- I have to pull it out like a magician.
- A fucking dove. Just, like, "Fly!"
- I have to lather deodorant in my crotch,
- so I don't chafe to the point of bleeding out.
- Right here is when my thighs stop touching for the first time.
- Together. Apart. Together.
- Apart. Together. Apart.
- The fucking teeny-tiny shorts. Fuck you!
- Fuck you.
- I got photographed paddleboarding, standup paddleboarding, which--
- Can we all just agree to stop pretending like that's fun?
- What do we-- Just what?
- "Would you like the sensation of being in a canoe,
- without the comfort of a seat or the safety of sides?"
- "No."
- "Have you often wondered what it's like to work on a gondola?"
- "I can't say that I have. No."
- The picture of me, I didn't even recognize myself
- because, obviously, I don't suck in anyway.
- It was just, like--
- I looked at it, and I was like, "Oh, my God, Alfred Hitchcock is alive...
- and loves water sports!
- Fuck, yeah," you know?
- I was so psyched.
- Honestly, the only thing that gets me through the night,
- the only thing, is that I believe in my heart
- that Bradley Cooper wants to fuck me.
- Now, no one else believes me,
- especially not him.
- But I believe it.
- I believe it in my heart.
- Now, maybe you're like, "Bradley Cooper doesn't really do it for me."
- Hmm. Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, he does. He's the kind of hot
- where when you see him, you don't even mean to,
- but your body just, like, pivots around.
- And you just, like, grab your toes.
- You're just like, "Okay."
- By the way, that's as far down as I can go.
- That's it.
- Look, we got a little more. But I'm kind of tilted.
- He's the kind of hot where when he's talking to you,
- all your holes get wet.
- You're just like, "What?
- Why here?" Like...
- His eyes change color and shit, you guys.
- So, he's talking to me at this event,
- and I don't even think I'm registering as a sexual person to him,
- because I'm thinking of myself like I'm on a mound, you know?
- And...
- I'm just like, "Sick party, right, Coop?" Like, I'm not--
- I'm trying to help him get out of the conversation with me.
- I'm like, "Okay."
- Because all these gorgeous girls are around, just foaming at the mouth,
- just like, "Oh, let me at that dick hole."
- And...
- And I tried to get him out of it. I'm like, "All right. Have a good night."
- And he's like, "Wait, Amy. It's really good to see you.
- Let's hang out."
- I'm like, "Okay...
- my new boyfriend."
- Fully went there. And then...
- Then we talk a little more, and then 20 minutes go by, and I'm like,
- "Okay, I'm gonna grab my seat." And he grabs my wrist.
- He goes, "Wait. It's, like, really good to see you.
- Why don't we, like, spend some time together?"
- [humming "Bridal Chorus"]
- I, like, put my napkin over my head. I was like, "I do!"
- I called my friends from high school on the way home.
- I'm like, "Take me out of your phone. I'm with Bradley now.
- I'm at a new level, and you're not coming with me.
- You're out!"
- And then the next night, I'm doing a show in Reno, Nevada,
- have it all.
- And I'm watching the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
- And they're like, "And here's Bradley Cooper."
- And I'm like, "Hi, baby."
- And they're like, "And here is his girlfriend."
- And I'm like, "But I'm his girlfriend."
- It turns out I am not his girlfriend.
- He is dating an actual angel named Irina Shayk.
- She's a supermodel. She doesn't resemble a person at all.
- It looks like if a panther fucked a gazelle...
- and then, like, they fucked Gisele...
- and just shot out the hottest piece of ass you've ever seen.
- She doesn't walk. She, like, slinks around. And she's--
- The way she talks, she's like,
- "I'm from nine hours by dogsled outside Moscow."
- She can only see through the tops of her eyes.
- [moaning]
- She's so fucking hot.
- You can just tell that she's always wet, like, the way she moves.
- Like, once a boyfriend brought out lube, and she's like,
- "I laugh at your lube, Bradley!"
- And I'm just watching this in fucking Reno.
- I'm like, "Bradley?
- Bradley, it's me!"
- Like, I was thinking I was gonna be rolling around on a beach with him.
- And, I don't know, is this me? Is that my ass?
- I know we have-- Definitely, there's a picture of me.
- Is this me? Or is this me? I can't--
- Fuck! Which one is me?
- Is that me?
- Or is that me? I don't know.
- And I was like, "You know what? Fuck her."
- That bitch will never be brave.
- Thank you so much!
- I love you!
- [music playing]
- Oh, wait. Is that guy picketing my show?
- [indistinct chatter]
- I don't know. I feel like he's yelling at the people going to my show.
- And you know what? He's right. He needs a better megaphone.
- [man] Ha ha.
- -Are you guys engaged? -Yes.
- Can I be in the picture?
- [man] Down here, gun control is when you hold it with two hands.
- Oh, that's very funny, Gary.
- How about holding the steering wheel with two hands. How does that sound?
- [laughs]
- Here are the real stars of the show.
- Whoo!
- She runs out of lipstick because her lips are so luscious.
- I'm glad I'm not wearing a skirt
- because these people would fully see up my entire twat.
- Do people still say "twat"?
- [crowd cheering]
- [woman]
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