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Leeroy's First Dungeon (OR how Roland is a dimension hopper)

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Jan 17th, 2016
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  1. [03:55] <Roland[DM]> ==START!==
  2. [03:56] <Roland[DM]> The door to the boat/hive is on the top deck
  3. [03:56] <Roland[DM]> At the back. You know what a pirate ship looks like
  4. [03:56] <Leeroy_Church> Up and to the door Leeroy goes then.
  5. [03:57] <Leeroy_Church> Again, shield up, Banhammer at the ready.
  6. [03:57] <Roland[DM]> You enter what amounts to a quarter of the "first deck."
  7. [03:57] <Roland[DM]> Roll perception
  8. [03:57] <Leeroy_Church> "the fuck he p1ck a naut1cal theme 4 neway?"
  9. [03:59] * Leeroy_Church rolls 19 on perceiving shit.
  10. [03:59] <Roland[DM]> You notice a moro-er, enemy troll with shitty flarp gear
  11. [04:00] <Roland[DM]> It's a spear, no shield, light armor
  12. [04:00] <Leeroy_Church> Leeroy sighs. "yup. k1+er."
  13. [04:00] <Roland[DM]> Roll initiative while he talks shit about heavy armor
  14. [04:00] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20
  15. [04:00] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=10 ]{10}
  16. [04:00] * Leeroy_Church rolled 17.
  17. [04:00] <Roland[DM]> You go first
  18. [04:01] <Leeroy_Church> ((Dice like Leeroy. Wow.))
  19. [04:01] <Roland[DM]> The room is small
  20. [04:01] <Roland[DM]> 20x20
  21. [04:01] <Leeroy_Church> Yyyyyup, I can charge that.
  22. [04:01] <Roland[DM]> His hiding was so shitty; he was actually standing in the center of the room
  23. [04:01] <Roland[DM]> Thinking you wouldn't notice
  24. [04:01] <Roland[DM]> So now you're standing 10 feet from him
  25. [04:01] <Leeroy_Church> Gonna charge that.
  26. [04:01] <Roland[DM]> Do it
  27. [04:02] <Leeroy_Church> "LEEEEROOOOOYYY CHUUUURRRCHHHH!!"
  28. [04:02] <Roland[DM]> >If I wasn't needed, I'd blow my brains out every time you speak.
  29. [04:03] * Leeroy_Church 14 to blow pansy light armor dude's brains out with this hammer.
  30. [04:03] <Roland[DM]> Roll damage
  31. [04:03] <Roland[DM]> !roll 3d6-3
  32. [04:03] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 3d6-3 --> [ 3d6=15 ]{12}
  33. [04:03] <Leeroy_Church> 13 damage.
  34. [04:03] <Roland[DM]> Oh you just barely one shot him. Nice
  35. [04:03] <Roland[DM]> Describe the killing blow
  36. [04:05] <Leeroy_Church> Charging in, Leeroy screams her battle cry (see above), and brings the Banhammer up and over. There's the sound of skull crunching as a horn is hammered into his puzzle sponge.
  37. [04:05] <Leeroy_Church> She looks over her shield at the mess he left on the floor.
  38. [04:06] <Leeroy_Church> "...a helmet 1s better, bro."
  39. [04:06] <Roland[DM]> You briefly hear the poor sucker asking for his mother as you do this. Then, you hear him asking "wait, what's a mother?"
  40. [04:06] <Leeroy_Church> "dunno. stfu and d1e, noob."
  41. [04:07] <Roland[DM]> >I like it better when you just kill things and not talk.
  42. [04:07] <Leeroy_Church> "l1ght armor blows. heavy armor rox. end of story."
  43. [04:07] <Roland[DM]> >You are a living caricature. Did you know that? What will you do now?
  44. [04:08] <Roland[DM]> One door. Right side of the room.
  45. [04:08] <Leeroy_Church> You do what a living caricature would do. You teabag his corpse once or twice, then check it for loot.
  46. [04:09] <Roland[DM]> >*gagging noises*
  47. [04:10] <Roland[DM]> aside from his spear and (inferior) armor, there is nothing of note, aside from a journal detailing his angst over a failed matespritship
  48. [04:11] <Leeroy_Church> "ahahaha wow lame." You pocket the journal. For the lulz. And the spear, since you've got room. ...The shit-tier armor can stay.
  49. [04:12] <Leeroy_Church> You leave him as a pile of gore on the ground. He ded. No need to worry about that mofo. Move on to see what else the gun bitch 'set up' to 'trap' you.
  50. [04:13] <Roland[DM]> Roll perception
  51. [04:13] * Leeroy_Church rolled a 9.
  52. [04:14] <Roland[DM]> Hm. Roll wis a few times
  53. [04:14] <Roland[DM]> Three or four
  54. [04:14] <Leeroy_Church> 3, 11, 15, 18. ..In that order, no less.
  55. [04:14] <Roland[DM]> Heh. Proceed.
  56. [04:15] <Leeroy_Church> Ominous.
  57. [04:15] <Roland[DM]> Don't worry about it for now
  58. [04:16] <Leeroy_Church> Time to check the door. Now that she KNOWS this is a setup, Leeroy will actually bother to take precaution and check for traps. IE look at the door for obvious wires or booby traps.
  59. [04:16] <Roland[DM]> Per your perception roll earlier, you do not notice anything
  60. [04:17] <Leeroy_Church> Cool. Time to scare the piss out of whatever's waiting on the other side then.
  61. [04:17] <Roland[DM]> Go for it!
  62. [04:17] <Leeroy_Church> Hammer smash the door.
  63. [04:17] <Roland[DM]> Roll acrobatics or athletics as you trip a tripwire with your recklessness
  64. [04:18] * Leeroy_Church rolled 17 athletics.
  65. [04:18] <Roland[DM]> Ooh, nicer
  66. [04:18] <Roland[DM]> *nice
  67. [04:18] <Roland[DM]> A sand bag comes at you from the other side of the door
  68. [04:18] <Roland[DM]> You catch it, your muscles go taut as you do so
  69. [04:19] <Roland[DM]> You pause for a moment before letting it down to admire what bush league bullshit this is
  70. [04:19] <Leeroy_Church> Caught it on the shield, I'm guessing.
  71. [04:19] <Roland[DM]> Not cool enough
  72. [04:19] <Leeroy_Church> Darn.
  73. [04:19] <Roland[DM]> You caught it with your bare hands.
  74. [04:19] <Leeroy_Church> ...Both? How?
  75. [04:19] <Roland[DM]> Shhh. Let it happen.
  76. [04:20] <Leeroy_Church> I've got a shield in one and a massive hammer in the other.
  77. [04:20] <Roland[DM]> ((Roo's rubbing off on me))
  78. [04:20] <Roland[DM]> What matters is that you thwarted their horseshit
  79. [04:20] <Leeroy_Church> "...fuck th1s."
  80. [04:20] <Leeroy_Church> You pick the sandbag back up and just hurl it back through the door.
  81. [04:21] <Leeroy_Church> Maybe it hits something. Maybe it doesn't.
  82. [04:21] <Roland[DM]> Roll strength tohit
  83. [04:21] <Leeroy_Church> But it'll just make you feel better.
  84. [04:21] <Leeroy_Church> ...Hah. 19.
  85. [04:21] <Roland[DM]> "Old!"
  86. [04:21] <Roland[DM]> *"oof!"
  87. [04:21] <Roland[DM]> Sorry. God damn mobile phones, being marvels of technology and shit
  88. [04:22] <Leeroy_Church> Snatch up hammer and shield again, and charge through to see what made the oof.
  89. [04:22] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d4+3
  90. [04:22] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d4+3 --> [ 1d4=2 ]{5}
  91. [04:22] <Leeroy_Church> Oof needs to die.
  92. [04:22] <Roland[DM]> Roll initiative while he introduces himself
  93. [04:22] <Leeroy_Church> 16.
  94. [04:22] <Roland[DM]> "Sup. Second guardian. Nice to meet you." He groans
  95. [04:22] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20-1
  96. [04:22] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=14 ]{13}
  97. [04:23] <Roland[DM]> You go first
  98. [04:23] <Leeroy_Church> "yo." You wave, kinda awkwardly. "guess ur 1st guard1an now, fy1. he ded."
  99. [04:24] <Roland[DM]> "He was an ass anyway. Kind of a moron."
  100. [04:24] <Leeroy_Church> "no sh1+ he was h1d1ng 1n the m1ddle of a room."
  101. [04:24] <Roland[DM]> "Yeah, sounds like it."
  102. [04:25] <Roland[DM]> "Boss is paying me a lot. More than you, so nothing personal."
  103. [04:26] <Leeroy_Church> You shrug. "yea wutevs, 1 mean-" You pause. "boss? gr8, sum loser 1s butthurt enough 2 put a h1+ on me?"
  104. [04:26] <Roland[DM]> "He didn't say."
  105. [04:27] <Leeroy_Church> "gotta be." Note to self, maybe check that out later. Go bash their skull in. Something.
  106. [04:27] <Roland[DM]> "I'm a little hurt, so let's make this good. Make it worth."
  107. [04:28] <Leeroy_Church> Welp. He asked for it. You charge on in for a hammer blow.
  108. [04:28] <Roland[DM]> Roll tohit
  109. [04:28] * Leeroy_Church rolled 13 to hit.
  110. [04:28] <Roland[DM]> Roll damage
  111. [04:28] <Leeroy_Church> Aiming for a body shot this time. KO, not outright death.
  112. [04:28] <Roland[DM]> Sure
  113. [04:29] <Leeroy_Church> 9 damage.
  114. [04:29] <Roland[DM]> Oof, baby. He's got several broken ribs, but he's out like a light.
  115. [04:30] <Leeroy_Church> "noth1n personal man." No need to kill a dude that's decent enough. You're willing to believe guardian 1 set up the sandbag thing.
  116. [04:30] <Roland[DM]> What will you do now?
  117. [04:30] <Leeroy_Church> Still, old habits die hard. What's in his pockets?
  118. [04:31] <Roland[DM]> A picture. Him and another troll. There's a diamond on it in the corner
  119. [04:32] <Leeroy_Church> Cute. Blech. You'll just let him keep that keepsake, you guess. Any weapons?
  120. [04:33] <Roland[DM]> A sword. 1d6+str
  121. [04:33] <Roland[DM]> Medium armor, T1
  122. [04:34] <Leeroy_Church> Hmmmm... Meh. Medium armor at first tier isn't worth it. And this dude will wake up later, leave a man his sword. You do kind of... Kick it aside. Just to keep up appearances.
  123. [04:34] <Leeroy_Church> Alright then. Where to next?
  124. [04:35] <Roland[DM]> You're essentially moving in a clockwise pattern through the first deck
  125. [04:35] <Roland[DM]> The next door is to the south
  126. [04:35] <Leeroy_Church> "greeeeaaat." You groan, checking out the next door. Obvious traps?
  127. [04:35] <Roland[DM]> Roll perception
  128. [04:35] <Leeroy_Church> ...9.
  129. [04:36] <Roland[DM]> >What are you, a moron? Man, be more careful.
  130. [04:36] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20-1
  131. [04:36] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=3 ]{2}
  132. [04:36] <Roland[DM]> Not that it matters. A gentleman trying to hide in the room is doing a piss poor job
  133. [04:37] <Roland[DM]> He introduces himself
  134. [04:37] <Leeroy_Church> Hide in the SAME room?
  135. [04:37] <Roland[DM]> Next room
  136. [04:37] <Leeroy_Church> Oh. I hadn't hammered through yet.
  137. [04:37] <Roland[DM]> "UUUUUUURGH I AM UNREASONABLY ANGRY AND POORLY WRITTEN."
  138. [04:37] <Roland[DM]> ((Door's open))
  139. [04:37] <Leeroy_Church> "lol yup."
  140. [04:38] <Roland[DM]> Roll initiative
  141. [04:38] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20-1
  142. [04:38] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=8 ]{7}
  143. [04:38] <Leeroy_Church> 10.
  144. [04:38] <Roland[DM]> You go first again
  145. [04:38] <Leeroy_Church> Welp.
  146. [04:38] <Roland[DM]> Hopefully he'll be a little more of a challenge
  147. [04:38] <Leeroy_Church> Time to fix this abomination of NPC.
  148. [04:38] <Leeroy_Church> Smashy smashy.
  149. [04:39] <Roland[DM]> "YOU UGLY HARLOT."
  150. [04:39] <Roland[DM]> "YOU'RE A WALKING CARICATURE OF A TRYHARD."
  151. [04:39] <Leeroy_Church> "yea u bl1nd or wut?"
  152. [04:39] <Roland[DM]> >SLAMSLAMSLAMSLAM
  153. [04:39] <Leeroy_Church> "no wa1+ ur bl1nd ur h1d1ng 1s worse than the 1st guy."
  154. [04:40] * Leeroy_Church 13 to smashy smashy.
  155. [04:40] <Roland[DM]> >That was me slamming my face on the desk
  156. [04:40] <Roland[DM]> Roll damage
  157. [04:40] <Leeroy_Church> 14 smashy smashy damage.
  158. [04:40] <Roland[DM]> Wow you one shot ANOTHER ONE
  159. [04:40] <Roland[DM]> Damn
  160. [04:41] <Roland[DM]> Describe the killing blow
  161. [04:41] <Roland[DM]> "EVEN IN DEATH I AM POORLY WRITTEN AND BADLY FLESHED OUT."
  162. [04:42] <Leeroy_Church> This one doesn't deserve much flair. Leeroy sidesteps into the next room, swings her hammer, and pounds the poorly fleshed out flesh into the wall he was poorly hiding against.
  163. [04:42] <Leeroy_Church> "m1ght be a tryhard. but 1 d1dnt d1ehard."
  164. [04:42] <Roland[DM]> >AUGH
  165. [04:43] <Leeroy_Church> Pause. "...yea, not my greatest l1ne."
  166. [04:43] <Leeroy_Church> "glad nobody wus here 2 hear that."
  167. [04:43] <Roland[DM]> Since you check them for loot: he was naked and unarmed. It is quite disconcerting.
  168. [04:43] <Roland[DM]> Roll sanity
  169. [04:44] <Leeroy_Church> Yeeeaaahhh naked 'barbarians' get doubletapped, as a general rule for you. And it's sad that you NEEDED a ruling for that.
  170. [04:44] * Leeroy_Church rolled 10 sanity.
  171. [04:44] <Roland[DM]> You barely pass my cruel DC
  172. [04:45] <Leeroy_Church> The doubletap may or may not aim at whatever it is trolls keep between their legs.
  173. [04:45] <Roland[DM]> >Savage.
  174. [04:46] <Roland[DM]> >If I wasn't a man, you'd have redeemed yourself with that.
  175. [04:46] <Leeroy_Church> Least you aren't waving your bulge in public.
  176. [04:46] <Leeroy_Church> ((-furiously taking notes-))
  177. [04:47] <Roland[DM]> ((I like your exile; he's an excellent outlet))
  178. [04:47] <Roland[DM]> Last room before the Big Boss Dawg
  179. [04:47] <Leeroy_Church> ((Oddly, being more crass is the only outlet I get here. Aside from making my exile cry.))
  180. [04:48] <Leeroy_Church> Leeroy's getting a little tired of this kiddy shit.
  181. [04:48] <Roland[DM]> Okay, no perception roll. This asshole calls you out.
  182. [04:48] <Leeroy_Church> Is the next door open?
  183. [04:48] <Roland[DM]> Yes
  184. [04:48] <Leeroy_Church> Cool.
  185. [04:48] <Roland[DM]> He fires a potshot
  186. [04:48] <Leeroy_Church> Imma grab the unfleshed flasher.
  187. [04:48] <Roland[DM]> Figuring he'll lose the initiative roll
  188. [04:49] <Leeroy_Church> ..Oh. Or that.
  189. [04:49] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+1
  190. [04:49] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+1 --> [ 1d20=4 ]{5}
  191. [04:49] <Roland[DM]> I knew he'd miss the whole time
  192. [04:49] <Roland[DM]> Still, grab the flasher
  193. [04:49] <Leeroy_Church> ...Would you feel better if he hit the corpse?
  194. [04:49] <Roland[DM]> I like where you're going here
  195. [04:50] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+2 initiative
  196. [04:50] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+2 initiative --> [ 1d20=9 ]{11}
  197. [04:50] <Roland[DM]> Eh, you should beat that
  198. [04:50] <Leeroy_Church> "aaaay, fr1endly f1re." You quip as you pick up the (now shot and smashed) corpse.
  199. [04:50] <Leeroy_Church> .....You know, I didn't?
  200. [04:50] <Leeroy_Church> 5.
  201. [04:50] <Roland[DM]> Whaaaaaaaat
  202. [04:50] <Roland[DM]> No
  203. [04:50] <Roland[DM]> I don't believe it
  204. [04:51] <Leeroy_Church> You want I should take a picture of the dice?
  205. [04:51] <Roland[DM]> No, I trust you
  206. [04:51] <Roland[DM]> !roll 2#1d20+2 against the disadvantage of the corpse cover
  207. [04:51] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 2#1d20+2 against the disadvantage of the corpse cover --> [ 1d20=4 ]{6}, [ 1d20=16 ]{18}
  208. [04:52] <Roland[DM]> Another bullet in the corpse
  209. [04:52] <Leeroy_Church> "nobody l1kes a teamk1ller. spec1ally not th1s body."
  210. [04:52] <Leeroy_Church> She wiggles the corpse.
  211. [04:52] <Roland[DM]> "HE'S ALREADY DEAD, MORON."
  212. [04:52] <Roland[DM]> "Fucking kids these days."
  213. [04:52] <Roland[DM]> >He's gotcha there.
  214. [04:53] <Leeroy_Church> "THATS THE JOKE BULGEMUNCH."
  215. [04:53] <Roland[DM]> "IT'S NOT FUNNY, NOOKWORM."
  216. [04:54] <Leeroy_Church> "LETS C U DO BETTER ONCE 1M DONE W1+ U HORNL1CKER."
  217. [04:54] <Roland[DM]> "GET OVER YOURSELF, TRYHARD."
  218. [04:55] <Leeroy_Church> "L1KE U CARE! 1 ALREADY KNO UR BE1NG PA1D 2 BE HERE."
  219. [04:55] <Roland[DM]> "I CAN ATTEST THAT I AM BETTER WRITTEN THAN MY DEAD NAKED COLLEAGUE, WHOSE NAME I CANNOT EVEN REMEMBER."
  220. [04:55] <Leeroy_Church> "GOG SHUT UP ALREADY AND END UR TURN SO 1 CAN CULL U!"
  221. [04:56] <Roland[DM]> "oh right sorry"
  222. [04:56] <Roland[DM]> He ends his turn
  223. [04:56] <Leeroy_Church> 'f1nally thanx."
  224. [04:56] <Roland[DM]> "Y-yeah, sorry."
  225. [04:57] <Leeroy_Church> "u best be, chute wh1ffer."
  226. [04:57] <Roland[DM]> "See, the way you've been one shotting my friends, I figured this would be the only way I got a word in edgewise."
  227. [04:57] <Leeroy_Church> 'u kno, 1 let guy #2 l1ve."
  228. [04:57] <Roland[DM]> "You still one shotted him. My argument is valid."
  229. [04:57] <Leeroy_Church> "kno why?"
  230. [04:58] <Roland[DM]> "I dunno. Do I care? I can't even remember how much HP I have because you won't stop flapping your gums."
  231. [04:58] <Leeroy_Church> "k then."
  232. [04:58] <Leeroy_Church> Alright, so question.
  233. [04:59] <Roland[DM]> ((I'm kidding; I know exactly how much HP he has))
  234. [04:59] <Leeroy_Church> Can a dead, naked troll be used as a bludgeoning weapon? And if so, what do I roll?"
  235. [04:59] <Roland[DM]> I know a severed arm is 1d6+str
  236. [04:59] <Roland[DM]> Don't ask why
  237. [04:59] <Leeroy_Church> Asking later.
  238. [05:00] <Leeroy_Church> So the answer to the first is yes?
  239. [05:00] <Roland[DM]> Disadvantage tohit, 10 foot range, thrown, halved movement speed while carrying
  240. [05:00] <Roland[DM]> 1d10
  241. [05:00] <Leeroy_Church> Wasn't planning to throw him.
  242. [05:01] <Roland[DM]> Roll strength to even swing it. Roll strength tohit, disadvantage. 2d8
  243. [05:01] <Leeroy_Church> Leeroy drags his naked ass to his better fleshed out cohort. "K1SS THE CORPSE!"
  244. [05:01] <Leeroy_Church> .....Ahahahahahahahaha.
  245. [05:01] <Roland[DM]> Crit fail?
  246. [05:02] <Leeroy_Church> Rolls were 15 and 20. You avoided a crit SUCESS.
  247. [05:02] <Leeroy_Church> So 17.
  248. [05:02] <Roland[DM]> You still hit him
  249. [05:02] <Roland[DM]> Oh, 17 damage? Damn
  250. [05:02] <Leeroy_Church> No, 17 to hit.
  251. [05:02] <Leeroy_Church> Haven't rolled damage yet.
  252. [05:03] <Roland[DM]> Roll it
  253. [05:03] <Leeroy_Church> "K1SS 1+! K1SS 1+ K1SS 1+!!"
  254. [05:03] <Leeroy_Church> 9 damage.
  255. [05:03] <Roland[DM]> "UGH YOU FUCKING WEIRDO"
  256. [05:04] <Leeroy_Church> "LOOKS L1KE UR DO1N THE FUCK1N HERE!"
  257. [05:04] <Roland[DM]> You hear several bones crunch in both bodies as you smack them together
  258. [05:04] <Roland[DM]> What else? Anything?
  259. [05:05] <Leeroy_Church> "SHOULD 1 G1+ U 2 A PA1L?"
  260. [05:05] <Roland[DM]> "UGH STOP IT YOU'LL GIVE ME A BONER"
  261. [05:05] <Roland[DM]> >SLAMSLAMSLAMSLAM
  262. [05:05] <Leeroy_Church> I guess I'll drop the corpse on him and reequip my regular shit.
  263. [05:06] <Leeroy_Church> "NOW WHOS THE WE1RDO CORPSEFUCKER?"
  264. [05:06] <Roland[DM]> "STOP IT I AM TERRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS."
  265. [05:06] <Leeroy_Church> "ONCE AGA1N: THATS THE PO1NT NEEDLEBULGE."
  266. [05:07] <Leeroy_Church> End turn.
  267. [05:07] <Leeroy_Church> Before this starts again.
  268. [05:07] <Roland[DM]> "PLEASE STOP MAKING ME YELL. TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS TERRIBLY INCONVENIENT ON THIS PHONE."
  269. [05:07] <Leeroy_Church> ((I'm losing my shit over here.))
  270. [05:08] <Roland[DM]> He shoves the corpse off, terribly pleased with himself for some reason
  271. [05:08] <Leeroy_Church> "UR PHONE DOESNT HAVE ALL CAPS MODE? LOL U MUST HAVE AN 1DRONE."
  272. [05:08] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+2
  273. [05:08] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=8 ]{10}
  274. [05:08] <Archive> ((send help i'm dying of laughter why do you two have to have such hilarious and/or random encounters))
  275. [05:09] <Leeroy_Church> ((I may need to spare him just because I can't bear to kill this comedy.))
  276. [05:09] <Roland[DM]> NO, IT DOES. AUTOCORRECT JUST DOESN'T WORK TOO WELL ON CAPS LOCK."
  277. [05:09] <Leeroy_Church> "...dude. awkwrd boner much?"
  278. [05:09] <Leeroy_Church> "he dont even got a bulge no more."
  279. [05:09] <Leeroy_Church> "1 smashed 1+ OFF."
  280. [05:10] <Roland[DM]> "OH, YOU TOO? MAN, I'M GLAD I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE."
  281. [05:10] <Roland[DM]> End turn
  282. [05:10] <Roland[DM]> "WHY AM I STILL YELLING"
  283. [05:10] <Leeroy_Church> "u s1ck l1+tle barkbeast."
  284. [05:10] <Leeroy_Church> "dunno."
  285. [05:10] <Roland[DM]> "I MEAN, YOU'RE PRETTY."
  286. [05:11] <Leeroy_Church> "d1d u just waste ur whole turn yell1ng at ur boyfr1end?"
  287. [05:11] <Roland[DM]> "JUST LEVELING WITH YOU HERE."
  288. [05:11] <Leeroy_Church> "...omg wut."
  289. [05:11] <Leeroy_Church> "wut happened to ugly whore or wutevs?"
  290. [05:12] <Roland[DM]> "I MEAN, YOU KNOW. IT'S JUST..."
  291. [05:12] <Leeroy_Church> "no, stop."
  292. [05:12] <Roland[DM]> "FORGET I SAID ANYTHING."
  293. [05:12] <Leeroy_Church> "look. ur.. shouty, 1 guess."
  294. [05:13] <Roland[DM]> "CALL ME DORTHY."
  295. [05:13] <Roland[DM]> ((Pffschahahahahahhahh))
  296. [05:13] <Leeroy_Church> "but lets be real here. 1 a1nt got a scratch on me and 1 let u f1re tw1ce dorkthy."
  297. [05:13] <Leeroy_Church> "ur gonna have to ratchet ur game WAY up to have a shot at th1s."
  298. [05:14] <Leeroy_Church> Swing hammer.
  299. [05:14] * Leeroy_Church 14 to hit.
  300. [05:14] <Roland[DM]> Roll to finish the poor bastard
  301. [05:14] <Leeroy_Church> 9, body shot, no kill.
  302. [05:15] <Roland[DM]> >Why would you spare this nimrod?
  303. [05:16] <Leeroy_Church> Leeroy takes the shit journal out, tears a page, and jots a note: "aceGamer. h1+ me up when ur b1+e matches ur bark dorkthy."
  304. [05:17] <Roland[DM]> >... Oh.
  305. [05:17] <Leeroy_Church> Recaptchalogue the journal without overwritting (might be a juicy page), tuck the note down his pants for emphasis.
  306. [05:17] <Leeroy_Church> Hey, the drones come for us all.
  307. [05:18] <Roland[DM]> >*gagging noises*
  308. [05:18] <Leeroy_Church> Anything good on the body she might want to nick?
  309. [05:18] <Roland[DM]> the gun, if you're interested.
  310. [05:18] <Leeroy_Church> Kinda. She knows gun bitch is somewhere ahead.
  311. [05:19] <Leeroy_Church> Might stick in dorthy's craw too.
  312. [05:19] <Leeroy_Church> Taking it.
  313. [05:19] <Roland[DM]> Lever action. 1d6+dex. 40/100
  314. [05:20] <Leeroy_Church> Whew, running low on save slots here.
  315. [05:20] <Roland[DM]> Okay, last room
  316. [05:20] <Leeroy_Church> Wait.
  317. [05:20] <Leeroy_Church> Lay the naked troll's hand over Dorthy's.
  318. [05:21] <Leeroy_Church> Giggle like a troll as she heads to the last room.
  319. [05:21] <Roland[DM]> >You have a twisted sense of humor, girlie
  320. [05:23] <Leeroy_Church> Last door open, or should I 'check for traps'?
  321. [05:23] <Roland[DM]> No door
  322. [05:24] <Roland[DM]> A set of stairs
  323. [05:24] <Roland[DM]> Do you remember the jumping/swinging puzzle from Wind Waker in the hold of Petra's ship?
  324. [05:24] <Leeroy_Church> Resisting the urge to go back for a corpse to ride down the stairs in style, she-wait, why would she resist that urge?
  325. [05:25] <Leeroy_Church> Nnnnnno.
  326. [05:25] <Roland[DM]> Really?
  327. [05:25] <Roland[DM]> Huh
  328. [05:25] <Leeroy_Church> I vaguely recall there WAS a puzzle.
  329. [05:25] <Roland[DM]> Basically, the cargo hold is a bunch of raised platforms
  330. [05:25] <Roland[DM]> 80x80
  331. [05:25] <Roland[DM]> Dimensions
  332. [05:26] <Leeroy_Church> ...Sooo... Not going back for a corpse to ride?
  333. [05:26] <Roland[DM]> Do you want one?
  334. [05:26] <Leeroy_Church> ...It'd be pretty metal.
  335. [05:27] <Roland[DM]> Do as you like
  336. [05:27] <Roland[DM]> If I weren't on mobile, I'd draw you a map
  337. [05:27] <Leeroy_Church> She is willing to trudge all the way back to room one to grab the first corpse. But she does it, lays his bleeding corpse face down at the top of the stairs, and attempts to ride him down.
  338. [05:28] <Roland[DM]> Roll acro
  339. [05:28] <Roland[DM]> DC 10
  340. [05:28] <Leeroy_Church> 11. We're good.
  341. [05:28] <Roland[DM]> Nice
  342. [05:28] <Leeroy_Church> Style counts.
  343. [05:28] <Roland[DM]> You ride the corpse down the stairs. Cowabunga, dude!
  344. [05:28] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+2
  345. [05:28] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=17 ]{19}
  346. [05:29] <Roland[DM]> Gun bitch is not put off by this in the least
  347. [05:29] <Leeroy_Church> He is. Deep down. She can feel it.
  348. [05:29] <Leeroy_Church> Deeeeeeeeep down.
  349. [05:30] <Leeroy_Church> She steps off her ride. "so. n1ce ambush."
  350. [05:30] <Roland[DM]> He lights a cigarette
  351. [05:30] <Roland[DM]> "Those guys were scrubs."
  352. [05:30] <Leeroy_Church> "no sh1t."
  353. [05:30] <Roland[DM]> "Consider it my generous warmup exercise."
  354. [05:30] <Leeroy_Church> "u h1re them?"
  355. [05:31] <Roland[DM]> "For a pittance!" Roll insight
  356. [05:31] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+2
  357. [05:31] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=16 ]{18}
  358. [05:31] <Leeroy_Church> 11 again.
  359. [05:31] <Roland[DM]> You buy it
  360. [05:31] <Leeroy_Church> "ur sh1+ at th1s."
  361. [05:32] <Roland[DM]> "You ain't even seen me fight."
  362. [05:32] <Leeroy_Church> "1d say f1nd better mooks next +1me, but ull be dead."
  363. [05:32] <Leeroy_Church> "ur a ranged guy. ur gonna hop around and try to stay away."
  364. [05:33] <Roland[DM]> "This is the grub single action army, the finest handgun in the world. It has six shots! More than enough to kill anything that moves!"
  365. [05:33] <Leeroy_Church> "want me 2 act surpr1sed?"
  366. [05:33] <Roland[DM]> He twirls the revolver, then holsters it.
  367. [05:33] <Leeroy_Church> "sooo.. wut happens when 1'm s+1ll stand1ng after 6?"
  368. [05:33] <Roland[DM]> "Shhhh. Let me have my villainous monologue."
  369. [05:33] <Leeroy_Church> "cuz 1 got unl1m1+ed shots here."
  370. [05:34] <Roland[DM]> "Shhhh sh sh sh!"
  371. [05:34] <Leeroy_Church> Holds up her Banhammer for emphasis.
  372. [05:34] <Roland[DM]> "Just... Shut the fuck up."
  373. [05:34] <Leeroy_Church> "and a sh1eld."
  374. [05:34] <Roland[DM]> >Yeah, shut the fuck up; I'm enjoying this
  375. [05:34] <Leeroy_Church> "nope. ur last lackey used up my npc talky pa+1ence."
  376. [05:35] <Leeroy_Church> "l1ke 1 sa1d, h1re better mooks."
  377. [05:35] <Roland[DM]> Roll initiative while he monologues
  378. [05:35] <Leeroy_Church> ....2. Guess I'm buckling in for a monologue.
  379. [05:35] <Roland[DM]> "Y'all bout to make a choice, a choice to fight. When we choose to fight, we understand that we may die in the process."
  380. [05:36] <Roland[DM]> "That said..."
  381. [05:36] <Leeroy_Church> She sighs and hides behind her shield, hoping it will deflect some of the trite bullshit."
  382. [05:36] <Roland[DM]> "DRAW!"
  383. [05:36] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+3
  384. [05:36] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+3 --> [ 1d20=5 ]{8}
  385. [05:36] <Roland[DM]> He moves first
  386. [05:36] <Leeroy_Church> Oh. That wasn't too bad after all.
  387. [05:36] <Roland[DM]> Man, if you'd crit failed, i'da made you roll sanity
  388. [05:36] <Leeroy_Church> "a cho1ce? u called me out u l1+tle b1+ch."
  389. [05:37] <Leeroy_Church> So close. Not quite.
  390. [05:37] <Roland[DM]> "I made my choice you hyper masculine piece of shit."
  391. [05:38] <Roland[DM]> Gun bitch closes the distance from the northeast platform
  392. [05:38] <Roland[DM]> ((Platforms are 10x10))
  393. [05:38] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+3
  394. [05:38] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+3 --> [ 1d20=7 ]{10}
  395. [05:38] <Leeroy_Church> "u chose to call me out and h1re sh1+ guys that d1d noth1ng 2 stop me."
  396. [05:38] <Roland[DM]> He makes the hop well enough
  397. [05:38] <Roland[DM]> "Oh my God, you sound like a cretin."
  398. [05:39] <Roland[DM]> !roll 2#1d20+1 multi strike 1
  399. [05:39] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 2#1d20+1 multi strike 1 --> [ 1d20=18 ]{19}, [ 1d20=7 ]{8}
  400. [05:39] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d6+3
  401. [05:39] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d6+3 --> [ 1d6=4 ]{7}
  402. [05:39] <Leeroy_Church> Holy shit, he actually HIT something!
  403. [05:39] <Roland[DM]> "MORE THAN ENOUGH TO KILL ANYTHING THAT MOVES!"
  404. [05:40] <Roland[DM]> He ends his turn in this perverse PvP match
  405. [05:40] <Leeroy_Church> "2 LATE 4 A COMEBACK 4 THAT."
  406. [05:40] <Roland[DM]> ((You have 8 HP, right?))
  407. [05:40] <Roland[DM]> (As of now?)
  408. [05:41] <Roland[DM]> ((He won't be flurrying again anytime soon, but damn))
  409. [05:41] <Leeroy_Church> ((9. Also I have no clue how to adjust this sheet's HP.))
  410. [05:42] <Roland[DM]> ((There's a small box: "AWAKE HP LOST"))
  411. [05:42] <Leeroy_Church> ((AH.))
  412. [05:42] <Roland[DM]> He ends his turn, twirling his revolver
  413. [05:42] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+3
  414. [05:42] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+3 --> [ 1d20=17 ]{20}
  415. [05:42] <Leeroy_Church> You bite through the pain. SHIT that hurt. Still. "that was 2!"
  416. [05:43] <Roland[DM]> He manages not to drop it
  417. [05:43] <Roland[DM]> "My master taught me well."
  418. [05:43] <Leeroy_Church> "omg 1 dont care."
  419. [05:44] <Leeroy_Church> Alright, so how many platforms away is he?
  420. [05:44] <Roland[DM]> You're on the southwest platform
  421. [05:44] <Roland[DM]> Closing the distance is a matter of passing a DC 5 acro check
  422. [05:44] <Leeroy_Church> That close to REACH him?
  423. [05:44] <Roland[DM]> He's on the southeast
  424. [05:45] <Roland[DM]> He closed the distance to shoot you
  425. [05:45] <Leeroy_Church> Shit, I was picturing way worse.
  426. [05:45] <Leeroy_Church> "made a m1stake, gun b1+ch."
  427. [05:45] <Roland[DM]> Naw
  428. [05:45] <Roland[DM]> The gimmick is the acro checks
  429. [05:45] <Roland[DM]> Don't fail them
  430. [05:45] <Leeroy_Church> She gets up and sprints for the gap.
  431. [05:45] * Leeroy_Church acro's 13, not failing the check.
  432. [05:46] <Roland[DM]> Nice
  433. [05:46] <Roland[DM]> Gonna hit him?
  434. [05:46] <Leeroy_Church> She lands on the other side, brings up her hammer, and says, "shoulda stayed back l1ke a good l1+tle squ1shy."
  435. [05:47] * Leeroy_Church rolls 13 to hit.
  436. [05:47] <Roland[DM]> Roll damage, y'all
  437. [05:47] <Leeroy_Church> 9 damage.
  438. [05:47] <Leeroy_Church> He still up?
  439. [05:47] <Roland[DM]> Yup
  440. [05:47] <Leeroy_Church> Neat.
  441. [05:48] <Leeroy_Church> Minor to shield bash.
  442. [05:48] <Roland[DM]> You hit him with a brilliant side swipe. His ribs crack and he grunts from the pain
  443. [05:48] <Roland[DM]> "Urgh!"
  444. [05:48] <Roland[DM]> "You're... Youre not bad, kid."
  445. [05:48] * Leeroy_Church 14 to shield bash.
  446. [05:49] <Roland[DM]> Roll damage again
  447. [05:49] <Leeroy_Church> "u just get+1n that now?"
  448. [05:49] <Leeroy_Church> Wasn't looking for damage.
  449. [05:49] <Leeroy_Church> Was looking to push.
  450. [05:49] <Roland[DM]> 1d4+str damage
  451. [05:49] <Leeroy_Church> 4 damage.
  452. [05:50] <Roland[DM]> Pushing's its own thing, and we're bout to talk about it
  453. [05:50] <Leeroy_Church> Lets chat then.
  454. [05:50] <Roland[DM]> Kill this guy first
  455. [05:50] <Roland[DM]> You'll see ;)
  456. [05:50] <Leeroy_Church> But.. But I wanted to boot him 300 style!
  457. [05:51] <Roland[DM]> Truuuuuust me. You'll like what I have in store for you
  458. [05:51] <Leeroy_Church> Fiiiine.
  459. [05:51] <Leeroy_Church> No 300.
  460. [05:51] <Leeroy_Church> No sparta.
  461. [05:51] <Leeroy_Church> Keeping the bitching armor.
  462. [05:51] <Roland[DM]> Good things come to tryhards who wait
  463. [05:51] <Leeroy_Church> Welp. I am out of goes.
  464. [05:52] <Roland[DM]> Gun bitch's turn
  465. [05:52] <Leeroy_Church> So let me just end my turn prodding Roland with my shield.
  466. [05:52] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+3 to hop to starting platform
  467. [05:52] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+3 to hop to starting platform --> [ 1d20=7 ]{10}
  468. [05:52] <Roland[DM]> !roll 1d20+3 to invariably miss this shot
  469. [05:52] <Tyche[Dice]> Roland[DM] rolled : 1d20+3 to invariably miss this shot --> [ 1d20=6 ]{9}
  470. [05:52] <Leeroy_Church> "thats 3."
  471. [05:53] <Roland[DM]> "Ugh. Can't aim straight." Full disclosure, he ain't lookin' too hot.
  472. [05:53] <Roland[DM]> It's your turn.
  473. [05:53] <Leeroy_Church> "yea 1/3 1s pretty sh1+."
  474. [05:53] <Leeroy_Church> Jumpy jump.
  475. [05:54] <Roland[DM]> He cries a little, and loses 1 HP
  476. [05:54] * Leeroy_Church rolled 5 to jump. WHEW.
  477. [05:54] <Roland[DM]> Nice
  478. [05:54] <Roland[DM]> Finish him
  479. [05:54] <Leeroy_Church> "then aga1n, ur sh1+ 1n general."
  480. [05:55] * Leeroy_Church 13 to hit.
  481. [05:55] <Roland[DM]> "Hm. You undersell yourself."
  482. [05:55] <Roland[DM]> NOW you may Sparta him
  483. [05:55] <Leeroy_Church> 12 to Sparta him.
  484. [05:56] <Leeroy_Church> Or splatter him.
  485. [05:56] <Roland[DM]> "You attribute your victory to my ineptitude. Why is this?
  486. [05:56] <Leeroy_Church> "who sa1d 1 was?"
  487. [05:56] <Roland[DM]> "Well, you keep callin' me shit."
  488. [05:56] <Roland[DM]> "You don't mention your own skills."
  489. [05:56] <Leeroy_Church> "1 am awesome. that doesnt change. ur just sh1+. the 2 r unrelated."
  490. [05:57] <Roland[DM]> "Are you sure?" He grins.
  491. [05:57] <Leeroy_Church> "dont gotta brag when 1 can work 1+."
  492. [05:57] <Roland[DM]> Sparta him.
  493. [05:57] <Roland[DM]> Describe it
  494. [05:57] <Leeroy_Church> I did. did 12 damage NOT Sparta him?
  495. [05:57] <Roland[DM]> Oh, yeah. Describe it
  496. [05:57] <Leeroy_Church> Ahh.
  497. [05:57] <Roland[DM]> He had 2 HP left
  498. [05:58] <Roland[DM]> Hitting him was a death sentence
  499. [06:01] <Leeroy_Church> "dude, u started the sh1+talk1ng. 1 just came here 2.." Winds up. Swings. Sends Roland sailing like the lightweight he is in the direction of the gap. She darts ahead to catch him as he passes over the gap. "F1N1SH 1+!!" And brings her shield down on his smug mug, sending him down to the depths.
  500. [06:02] <Roland[DM]> He grins like an idiot the whole time, and mouths something
  501. [06:02] <Roland[DM]> Roll perception
  502. [06:02] <Leeroy_Church> 12.
  503. [06:03] <Roland[DM]> "Cast in the name of God, go forth, and be victorious."
  504. [06:03] <Leeroy_Church> "..."
  505. [06:03] <Roland[DM]> He falls into the darkness
  506. [06:03] <Leeroy_Church> "who the fuck 1s god?"
  507. [06:03] <Leeroy_Church> "...sh1+. cool as that was, 1 need 2 loot h1m."
  508. [06:04] <Roland[DM]> >That's a dumb question. Hey, look; another platform is rising.
  509. [06:04] <Leeroy_Church> Hey look; another platform is rising.
  510. [06:04] <Roland[DM]> True to SI's words, a platform rises. No acro checks necessary to navigate to it.
  511. [06:05] <Leeroy_Church> Welp. She knows dungeon loot when she sees it.
  512. [06:06] <Leeroy_Church> Body later. Loot first.
  513. [06:06] <Roland[DM]> There is a chest on it.
  514. [06:06] <Roland[DM]> Will you open it?
  515. [06:06] <Leeroy_Church> Yeeeaaah chests.
  516. [06:06] <Roland[DM]> Taking that as a yes
  517. [06:06] <Leeroy_Church> She may or may not mutter a little jingle to herself as she opens the chest.
  518. [06:06] <Roland[DM]> Within, you find two items
  519. [06:06] <Roland[DM]> The first to strike you is a literal ball of blue light
  520. [06:07] <Roland[DM]> There is no container. It's an actual blue light
  521. [06:07] <Leeroy_Church> "..huh." She reaches to touch it.
  522. [06:07] <Roland[DM]> As you touch it, you feel power surge through your body
  523. [06:08] <Roland[DM]> You see yourself doing various things
  524. [06:08] <Leeroy_Church> "NO1CE!"
  525. [06:08] <Roland[DM]> The most immediately evident is you dashing, and bashing someone with your shoulder
  526. [06:08] <Roland[DM]> They are knocked to the ground, 10 feet back
  527. [06:09] <Roland[DM]> And take 1d4+str damage
  528. [06:09] <Roland[DM]> This scales with level
  529. [06:09] <Leeroy_Church> ......
  530. [06:09] <Leeroy_Church> HHHHHNNNNNNGGGG
  531. [06:09] <Roland[DM]> Every 5 levels
  532. [06:09] <Roland[DM]> Like the drinker bite
  533. [06:09] <Roland[DM]> So you get 2d4 at level 5
  534. [06:09] <Roland[DM]> And so on
  535. [06:10] <Roland[DM]> I reserve the right to nerf any powers I give you as I see fit
  536. [06:10] <Roland[DM]> Or buff them
  537. [06:10] <Leeroy_Church> Good enough.
  538. [06:10] <Roland[DM]> But I give you these powers because I hate the fact that your only options are approach and smash
  539. [06:10] <Leeroy_Church> Is this an action? Move+action?
  540. [06:11] <Roland[DM]> Dash. You have to build up 40 feet of dash or more
  541. [06:11] <Roland[DM]> Sound decent?
  542. [06:11] <Leeroy_Church> Sounds decent.
  543. [06:11] <Roland[DM]> The other item is a pair of lame-looking envelopes labeled "SGRUB"
  544. [06:12] <Leeroy_Church> Huh. You take them out and look them over.
  545. [06:12] <Roland[DM]> >Those are important. I know you don't know that, but I can't overstate how important they are
  546. [06:13] <Leeroy_Church> These seem important. You don't know how you know that.
  547. [06:13] <Leeroy_Church> You check inside one of the envelopes.
  548. [06:14] <Roland[DM]> You find a disc with a funky Spirograph pattern on it
  549. [06:14] <Leeroy_Church> "1s th1s a game? sh1+ th1s must s+1ll be 1n dev."
  550. [06:15] <Leeroy_Church> You suddenly know how these are important. And you must guard them with your life.
  551. [06:15] <Roland[DM]> >It's... Not quite like that. Didn't you wanna loot a corpse?
  552. [06:16] <Leeroy_Church> Once you reverently place the envelopes in a save slot, you recall you need to go see how busted up the gun bitch's face is at the bottom of this pit.
  553. [06:16] <Roland[DM]> Proceed
  554. [06:16] <Roland[DM]> There is a ladder on each platform
  555. [06:17] <Leeroy_Church> Handy! Guess you don't need to do anything stupid like jump.
  556. [06:17] <Leeroy_Church> Down the ladder you go.
  557. [06:17] <Roland[DM]> Eh, one of the many ways I tried to keep it from dragging on too much if you fell
  558. [06:18] <Roland[DM]> You see a pool of blood, but no corpse
  559. [06:19] <Roland[DM]> You did not see him leave
  560. [06:19] <Leeroy_Church> "that grubFUCKER."
  561. [06:19] <Roland[DM]> You find two books neatly stacked on top of each other
  562. [06:19] <Leeroy_Church> Trail of blood to follow?
  563. [06:19] <Roland[DM]> One labeled "Holy Bible."
  564. [06:19] <Roland[DM]> Another with no label
  565. [06:20] <Roland[DM]> The blank one appears to be a journal too
  566. [06:20] <Leeroy_Church> ...Well. Better than no loot at all, you guess. Glance at the journal.
  567. [06:20] <Leeroy_Church> Apparently you are just flush with journals today.
  568. [06:20] <Roland[DM]> Don't get too used to it
  569. [06:21] <Roland[DM]> You have now successfully raided this dungeon.
  570. [06:21] <Leeroy_Church> End, then?
  571. [06:21] <Roland[DM]> ==DUNGEON COMPLETE!==
  572. [06:22] <Leeroy_Church> do do do DOOOO
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