[non-AiE] Lord Doomgloom the Unicorn

>You're Lord Doomgloom the Unicorn.
>Well that's what you are now.
>You were a fairly nice kid from Earth, but then planar shenanigans happened, and you ended up in Equestria.
>After taking your bearings, you knew what you must do.
>Have kinky pony sex with Twilight Sparkle.
>There's only ooooone slight problem.
>The whole Lord Doomgloom thing?
>Yeah, apparently the universe
>Or Discord
>Is having a major laugh at your expense.
>You can't do anything without it looking like you're trying to do grimdark edgy things.
>Last time you were trying to eat hay and oats, and the milk turned red.
>When you tried to grow petunias, you got giant venus flytraps that were somewhat mobile.
>But you can feel it in your hooves.
>Today is the day.
>You give your black-and-purple mane a careful combing, making sure that it looks neat and presentable.
>You do the same for your tail and tie a nice red ribbon around it.
>Rubbing yourself down with Axe body soap - because you're feeling pretty bro-tastic - you take a look in the mirror.
>Fuck.
>You have more edges than a 20-sided die.
>You sigh, take a deep breath, and open the door.
>Immediately a roll of dramatic thunder is heard.
>Goddamn it.
>You spot a trio of pegasi.
>One of them points a hoof at you and they scatter in opposite direction.
>You facehoof.
>Okay.
>At least it's not-
>You don't finish that thought and keep walking instead.
>Your hoofprints exude black smoke.
>Eventually you make your way to the outskirts of Ponyville.
>Because the ponies wouldn't let you live too close to town.

>Whatever.
>You had your eyes on the prize.
>You think about her adorable smile and the way her hooves clippety-clop along the pavement.
>Or how graceful she looks when she flies across the sky.
>Or how she occasionally passes over your house and your eyes lock and you smile at her and she smiles back...
>A pony sees you grinning lost in thought.
>"SWEET CELESTIA, HE IS PLOTTING TO FOALNAP OUR FOALS! HIDE THE THIN ONES!"
>wat
>You hear the stamping of hooves, the flutter of wings, and the sounds of magic.
>Son of a...
>All you want to do is to ask a pony out.
>Is that so much to ask?
>Apparently so.
>Ponyville is now deserted.
>Great.
>Gritting your teeth, you make your way to town square.
>A couple of the ponies with no foals eye you warily.
>You make your way to Roseluck's stall.
>She sees you coming and ducks.
>You hear whimpering coming from behind it.
>You stamp your hoof in frustrtion.
>It erupts in fire and brimstone.
>whimpering intensifies
"Roseluck? I just want to buy-"
>"JUST TAKE IT! TAKE IT JUST DON'T HURT ME!"
"Roseluck..."
>"OH MY GOODNESS HE KNOWS MY NAAAAAAME."
>"ROSELUCK!"
>A clap of thunder is heard when you shout her name.
>The air smells like ozone.
>She has dissolved into sobs.
>You sigh and facehoof.
>Dropping some bits on the counter you take a bouquet of flowers.
"Roseluck? I'm leaving now. The money is on the counter."
>You start to whistle a jaunty tune as you make your way out of the market square.
>Okay, Lord Doomgloom.
>You can do this.

>You come to the doors of the library.
>Hooves are sweaty
>Fetlocks weak, joints are heavy
>Breathe in
>Breathe out.
>All right!
>You knock on the door four times.
>Your hoof sizzles against some kind of ward.
>You hear Spike's voice through the door.
>"We don't want any encylopedias."
>wat
"No, Spike, it's me Lord Doo-, er, Anonymous. I would like to speak to Princess Twilight Sparkle."
>You hear rustling and whispered conversation from the other side of the door.
>You levitate the bouquet in front of you, and put on a friendly disarming smile.
>The door swings open and Twilight Sparke, in all her cute and purple glory glares at you.
>"What do you want?"
>Whoah.
>Agressive much?
"Well, I was thinking about how nice it is in Ponyville-"
>"You mean before -you- showed up."
"Uhhh... anyway, and how lucky they are to have a gorgeous and wise Princess to look over them, so I was wondering if you'd be willing to go on a date?"
>She stares at you and blink a couple of times.
>You try for a wider, more disarming smile
>Because that's how it works.
>"All- okay, wait. What gave you this idea?"
>You're a bit taken aback by the question.
"Well.. firstly I admire you for your keen intellect."
>She looks at you suspiciously.
"Second, I think you're very pretty - gorgeous even."
>She actually blushes a bit at that.
"And finally, you've passed by my house a couple of times, and I'd catch you 'mirin."
>She stops blushing, looks you in the eye, and sighs.
>"Lord Doomgloom? I was actually flying over your house because I wanted to make sure that you aren't up to any evil."
>It's now your turn to stare.
>"B-but... have I actually -done- anything evil?"
>She frowns.
>"Well, let's see. You came here with the intent of kidnapping foals-"
"WHAT?!"
>"You used dark magic to summon a thunderstorm-"
>You hang your head in impotent shame.
>"You terrorized Roseluck!"
"I was trying to buy some flowers for you!"
>She takes a look at the bouquet of flowers in your telekinetic grip.
"Lord Doomgloom? Those are colloquially known as "corpse flowers." Assuming I was even interested, what made you think that I would appreciate these?
>You squeeze your dark red eyes shut.
>Tears start spilling on the floor in front of Twilight.

-GOOD END-
>She takes a step back.
>"Lord Doomgloom?"
>You fling the bouquet away from you.
>A screaming void in the face of reality opens, a tentacle snakes out, and pulls it inside.
>You lean against the wall of the tree, tears running down your face.
"I swear to you, Princess, it's all a coincidence!"
>You thump the tree with your hoof.
>It turns black and starts to wither.
"See! I didn't intend to do that! All I wanted was a normal day where I pick up some flowers for a mare that I'm attracted to and go on a date! Am I not a hum- er, pony being?!"
>She looks at you, biting her lower lip.
>"And it's not Lord Doomgloom! Who even gave me that name?! It's Anonymous! This isn't even my right body."
>You wipe your muzzle off and bow respectfully to Twilight.
"My apologies for wasting your time. I will see you next time you're making sure I don't eat foals, or shout blasphemies at Celestia's Sun or something."
>You turn and start walking.
>"Ano.. Anonymous? Wait one moment please."
>She walks up behind you and places a hoof on your shoulder.
>"I... apologize. If you say it's all a coincidence... I think I believe you. Or that you're an excellent actor, but that wouldn't match with your cutie mark."
>You both glance down at your flank.
>A pony skull on a field of red.
>You groan.
>She smiles at you.
>"Plus, y'know. Nice flanks."
>Squats and oats baby.
"Y-you too."
>She wraps her hoof around your leg.
"Now, let's see if we can find a nice place at a restaurant. I'm assuming getting a table won't be an issue."

-WEIRD END-
>Your tears start to crystallize on Twilight's porch.
>"Lord Doomgloom?! Is that... is that -SALT?!-"
>You sniffle.
"Y-yes."
>She lifts your chin up.
>You lock gazes.
"I-I love you."
>She smiles and moves in closer.
>You close your eyes ready to kiss her.
>"And I will never love you. You will die alone and unloved you evil freak."
>Your eyes snap open, with Twilight looking at you expectantly.
>You start blubbering and spilling even more tears in front of Twilight.
>She sees the crystals forming.
>"Yess! Lord Doomgloom, you and I are gonna be RICH!"
>She casts some kind of spell on her throat.
>"CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE! ATTEND YOUR PRINCESS! LORD GLOOMDOOM CRIES SALT. DELICOUS WONDERFUL SALT."
>Ponies start to open their shutters, peek out from doors, and around corners.
>"IF WE KEEP HIM BAWLING, THERE WILL BE SALT FOR ALL, AND NONE SHALL GO SALTLESS EVER AGAIN!!"

-a couple of weeks later-

>A pony gives you a cup of water to replenish your lost fluid.
>Twilight is lying next to you, stroking you with her wing.
>She keeps whispering how she will never love you, and how you're ugly, and that your dad is not proud of you.
>Other ponies bring you things that make your eyes water.
>Onions, flowers, you name it.
>Oh and bits.
>You're basically sleeping on a pile of bits now.
>Because ponies find your tears delicious.
>Fluttershy comes up to you.
>"Lord Doomgloom, did I ever tell you? Crying unicorns are my fetish."
>You can't help it.
>You cry harder.
>And the ponies love you for it.