Re:Zero - The Flavor of Death - Arc 4

65 - The passion in the middle of the Snow

Subaru is forcefully dragged to the tomb and is thrown near its entrance.

After spouting something unpleasant like snow or frost or just something in the shape of a sherbet, Subaru turns to face Garfield.

"What a...rough treatment."

"I'm not smart enough to be considerate. Be glad you're getting that treatment, unless you want this woman here to be treated more poorly instead?"

Garfield moves Rem in his arms as if to show her to Subaru while looking down at him and inhaling white breath.

Leaving aside whether Garfield was aware that he was taking someone as a hostage, this was no doubt a good enough threat against Subaru.

"...Just don't do anything to Rem."

"I'll do just that as long as you do what you’re told."

After replying in a calm tone, Subaru places his numb hands in the slightly piled snow on the ground to get up. Standing next to him, the duplicate body of Lewes that carried Subaru to this place stares vacantly at him.
She was still only wearing a deplorable scrap of cloth. Subaru felt it was too shabby of a thing to wear in this cold.

"Can't you do something about these? ...She looks too cold I can't bear to watch."

"You already know how these were created right? They didn't come equipped with something to allow them to feel any cold. If this is your attempt at stalling for time, I'm not going to keep you company."

"Just quit it. I also don't think just waiting would change things at all."

Enveloped in the stormy blizzard, Subaru turns towards the tomb entrance after hearing Garfield's warning.

Ruins made of stone that are visible in this white world were in front of him. Ekidona's tomb still waited calmly even amidst of the force of this natural phenomenon, ominously showing its entrance ready to receive a new challenger.

Emilia should definitely be inside.

"How long has it been since Emilia went in?"

"Since the evening of the day before yesterday, which would already make it two days. Of course I don't really care what happens to her as long as she doesn't die."

"I guess that's only natural from your position. ...Why didn't you just get inside and drag her out?"

"I won't go inside the tomb. It was a promise."

Garfield’s suspicious roundabout words represented everything about his position in this.
Subaru didn't know how much did Garfield knew about the Sanctuary's dwellers but it was evident that he had entered the tomb before. He met Ekidona inside, got granted the title of her disciple and with that he gained the command rights to the Lewes duplicates.

Subaru still couldn't understand why he insisted on hiding this and avoid releasing the sanctuary though.

"I wonder if...I'll be able to know that if I ask Ekidona."

"Stop murmuring. I already told you, just get in already. Drag the half-demon girl outside and make her stop this snowy field or else I will have to do something I don't want to."

Garfield makes a twisted expression after slowly raising Rem in his arms. It was an improper smile for him, but Subaru was fully aware he was quite capable of proving such barbaric acts with ease. Regardless of his real intentions, he'd easily tear apart one or two persons with the same face as the person he loved in order to protect the sanctuary after all.

"Don't do anything to Rem. ―That's my condition."

"...Get going."

Subaru starts walking towards the tomb entrance after leaving those words behind with the coldest voice he could use even for the freezing wind of the place. Garfield continued staring fixedly at him from behind.

Subaru couldn't understand his real intentions. Subaru also remembered he had forgotten to tell him something.

He had totally forgotten to tell Garfield about his big sister's death.
Subaru was probably not thinking straight due to the coldness and anger.

Am I calmed right now? If I am, why can I stay like that at a time like this?
Petra's death, Frederica's innocence and returning to the sanctuary to find it in this state. His relationship with Garfield was not only the worst out of all the loops, but Subaru didn't have any way to confirm the safety of the other persons he left behind either.

Why could Subaru remain composed after all these bad events?

Subaru should not stop thinking. He should not give up. Subaru needed to continue accumulating what had to be accumulated while continuing looking ahead, looking up to get a hold of the future he wanted to obtain.
Otherwise, why would Subaru―

"―"

Subaru's footsteps sound intermittently hit the dry floor of the tomb.

Different from outside, the fierce cold was almost nonexistent inside. It wasn't just like having stopped feeling the cold, but its influence inside was really weak.

The tomb's function or receiving someone with the necessary requirements gets triggered as soon as Subaru steps inside, activating a faint lighting that illuminates the dark path in front of him.
Following the faint illumination transmitted along the walls that lead to the interior, Subaru awkwardly moves his almost totally frigid body through the tomb.

Finally after getting out of the passage that Subaru felt was too long, a relatively wide open space becomes visible.

The space used for the first challenge, the trial that made one face its own past.

In that place―

"―Subaru?"

The long awaited silverbell pitched voice gently greets Subaru.

※※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※

Subaru stares at the person in front of him that called his name in the middle of the darkness.

After his eyes grew accustomed to the darkness of the ruins and a long silver hair and very deep purple eyes came into his view, Subaru called out the girl's name not being able to hold it any longer.

"Emilia."

"Yes. Yes, Subaru. ...It's me."

Subaru almost falls in that place after hearing that sound and her answer.

It was probably an exaggeration, but he did felt some unbearable sensations.

Tiredness, physical weariness, sense of loss.
They were all sensations that were destroying Subaru but that he was consciously trying to ignore. His knees gave up on him the moment he saw Emilia and the restraint on those sensations was quickly undone.

An extended arm quickly takes Subaru before he falls to the ground.

It was really soft and warm sensation. Subaru looked up and saw a white beautiful face that was staring at him, which made him hold his breath out of surprise.

Subaru was being tenderly embraced by Emilia right now.

"Ah, no...I lost all my strength..."

"It's okay. I won't doubt in you to think you did this on purpose. Even if you did it, I would've grabbed you like this anyway."

Emilia covered Subaru's excuse with her words, blocking any and all retreating paths for him.

Subaru takes a long breath relieved after realizing she wasn't trying to reproach him and was only giving him a gentle reply―And also immediately notices Emilia's estrange behavior.

Emilia's attitude was no different from usual.
A gentle, calmed and a little cute airhead girl overflowing with kindness with some charming childish behaviors―She was the way too normal Emilia like always.

The normal Emilia right now was the usual Emilia like the calm times Subaru expend with her in the Roswaal residence.
She wasn't anything at all like the usual Emilia that couldn't get through the first trial and was being cornered by her sense of duty to clear it.

"E-Emilia...when I was gone..."

――Did something happen to make you change this way?

Subaru tries to choose his words carefully to ask this.

However, before he could say it from his mouth, suddenly,

"―It was lonely."

"...eh?"

Subaru frowns after not hearing Emilia's whisper clearly.

Emilia's beautiful sliver shaded face was just next to Subaru after he raised his head. After staring at the extremely close eyes of hers, Subaru waits attentively to not miss any of Emilia’s words again.

Emilia starts talking while staring at Subaru.

"It was lonely, Subaru. ―You left me alone after all."

"Ah...no, that's...not what you think. I wasn't planning on leaving you alone..."

"―"

"I think I wrote that in the letter...there was something I had to do. That's why I couldn't stay with you just for a little while. I'm really sorry that I made you feel that way. Still, I couldn't even properly do what I had to, even knowing I'd made you feel that way and..."

"Hehe."

Subaru attempts to make a quick excuse while still staring at Emilia's eyes. However, Emilia starts laughing before he could finish, apparently not being able to hold it any longer.

Subaru could only doubt his eyes in front of Emilia's reaction.

Why would Emilia laugh in the middle of a conversation and when it was about something this important?

What part of it made her laugh? In the first place, Emilia wasn't supposed to be the kind of girl that'd do that.

"You don't really have to give any explanations, I won't get mad at you. Subaru, you were turning very pale...hehe."

"E-Emilia...?"

"I'm telling you it’s okay, Subaru. Subaru also left a letter and I know he wrote a lot, a lot of words for my sake. It was lonely, I wanted to cry many times but... I kept rereading your letter."

Emilia smiles more profusely after muttering those innocent words.

It was a very charming and lovely smile along a sweet voice that could grab a hold of Subaru's heart. A very warm emotion surfaces inside of Subaru's body just because of knowing how precious was Emilia handling his letter and using it as her emotional support.

However, Subaru restrains himself from letting be swayed by that warm emotion. He also couldn’t avoid not feeling a bad presentiment about Emilia's change.

There was something wrong. Something was weird. The uneasiness that Subaru had felt a little while ago was still there, but the conversation had still continued between them.

There was something wrong. Something felt out of place. Even though Emilia was being this lovely.

Even though Emilia was being so adorable with Subaru.

"Emilia...what happened with the trial?"

"Trial..."

"That's right, the trial. You came here just for that right? I'm sorry that I made you go through a hard time by letting you go alone. I wanted to apologize for that, but I also want to know what happened with it. I don't mind at all even if you couldn't succeed, but if you're here right now then..."

"I couldn't… I couldn't do it. I couldn't get past the trial of my past. I'm sorry that I let you down and made you worry."

"Ah..."

Subaru quickly regrets letting out a hoarse voice.
That sound right now probably sounded like a disappointment reaction coming from Subaru. And if that was the case, Subaru having just told her that he didn't mind the outcome and doing that exactly after was a clear betray towards Emilia.

Subaru was being tormented by those thoughts until he suddenly felt a gentle sensation in his head. Emilia had inserted her fingers into Subaru's short black hair and had started stroking his head.

Subaru is taken aback, not being able to understand the reason behind her action. Emilia smiles sweetly after seeing the surprised Subaru, and continues talking while blushing.

"Subaru also messes with my hair sometimes right? That's why I also thought of doing this to Subaru sometimes. Hehe, Subaru, you're all defenseless~"

"Emi...lia...?"

"I was asking myself what I should do if Subaru left me behind like that and never came back... I really, really, really thought about it. I thought it'd be extremely scary, that's why I was glad when Subaru returned just now."

Even though Emilia had just said she had failed the trial, her eyes were only reflecting Subaru. Her eyes filled with passion and tears were only looking at Subaru.

How long had Subaru waited for Emilia to look at him in that way?
How much did Subaru yearn for Emilia to call his name with that voice filled with fervor and stare at him with those teary eyes filled with passion?

Everything had always been for this moment, right now, to taste this warmth.
That's why――

"Subaru. Let's stay together forever. Can you stay with me? If you stay with me, I will no longer need anything else―"

Subaru hadn't imagined Emilia conveying her blind love for him―That the day he would be frightened of such action would ever come.

※※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※

Emilia keeps expressing fervent words while still embracing Subaru.

"It was extremely painful when I first heard Subaru was gone. I was scared. After all, I really thought Subaru had given up on me...because I couldn't do anything right. Just thinking about it was too scary and frightening that my body wouldn't stop trembling..."

"―"

"But all the scary feelings settled down after I found out there was a letter with Subaru's writing on it. Subaru you're really awesome. You blew away all those frightening feelings that easily... Yes, I started realizing how I'm always getting saved by Subaru."

"―"

"The contents of the letter also made me happy. You wrote many, many things just to not make me worry right? Just knowing that you used your time like that for me and probably that you were also thinking in me the whole time you wrote that made me really happy."

"―"

"In the letter, Subaru said he loved me many times. I know I already cried a lot when you said that to me inside the carriage that day...but I still couldn't avoid feeling like crying again while reading that. I realized how much I was receiving from you...and I noticed something else."

"―"

"That's why when Subaru came back, I couldn't stop myself any longer. Inside my chest, deep inside, there's a small me still calling for Subaru's name. That's why I couldn't help but extend my hands like this to touch you..."

"―"

"Hey, Subaru. I'm sorry for everything up until now. I was doing something cruel, right? I was making Subaru who felt this way for me be patient. I can finally understand just a little of how merciless that was right now."

"―"

"It should be painful to hold it all in when you feel this way all time right? I was very selfish in front of Subaru who had been waiting right? I...always intended to think and understand Subaru, but I didn't know anything about you after all."

"―"

"But it's different now. I'm always thinking about Subaru. I'm always feeling you with me. Just like how Subaru...said he liked me, just like how he felt about me...right now me too...I also want to think about you in that way, I guess."

"―"

"No, I'm sorry. That was too unfair. Subaru did properly said it to me even if he was scared about what I could thought about it."

"―"

"That's why, I also want to do it. ―I'm going to tell you."

"―"

"Hey Subaru. I, I love you. I really love you. I want to be with you forever, thinking about you and only you."

"―"

"I would be happy if… Subaru also felt the same way about me... I guess."

"―"

"Ehehe. Yes, yes...I love you. Subaru...I love you so much."

-----------------------------Chapter 65 end-------------------------------------------

Chapter 66/67 short summary:

After this, Subaru comes out from the tomb and confronts Garfield telling him that Emilia confessed to him.  Garfield tells Subaru that was no surprise because everyone could see that Emilia was in love with Subaru since they entered the sanctuary. Eventually, Garfield gets exasperated because of Subaru's description of Emilia's words and in this moment Subaru snaps telling Garfield that there's no way Emilia would ever say such things to him in the first place and that, that Emilia was a broken person. Subaru starts asking whose fault it was that Emilia turned like that and realizes it was probably Roswaal’s and also his own fault.

Subaru goes and confronts Roswaal this time. Garfield tries to attack Roswaal after he admits he was making the snow fall in the sanctuary but is stopped by Ram. After this, Roswaal kills both Ram and Garfield with his bare hands by piercing their bodies with his hand. Garfield attempts to heal Ram's corpse but Roswaal chomps his head off with a kick. Subaru is taken aback because Roswaal was supposed to be very injured but he still got up and did that. Roswaal mentions Subaru shouldn't really underestimate him being a mage because he could still fight without using magic. Roswaal admits he only took Garfield by surprise or otherwise he wouldn't have been able to kill him. Subaru reacts by calling the other Lewes bodies (because Subaru had the command right in this loop) and makes some of them try to stop Roswaal before he tries to attempt to make Subaru reset the world again (although he doesn't know death triggers this so he wasn't going to kill him). The Lewes copies are all burned down by Roswaal, because although he could not summon powerful magic because he was already wasting a lot of mana messing with the weather, he could still create magic to defend himself.

After burning some of the Lewes copies, Subaru is thrown out in the open. Roswaal keeps pressuring Subaru to reset the world since this one was a useless one already but realizes something white coming out of the forest. Roswaal starts burning the rabbits that start appearing in the sanctuary for a while, until he just gives up on his life and lets himself get eaten by the rabbits before telling Subaru that he should live for a single person and forget about everything else, and that if he does that he'd become like him.

The scene switches again to Subaru running through the sanctuary with the Lewes copies that were left. Subaru had commanded them to protect him from the great rabbit that occasionally jumped in an attempt to eat him. After bearing some injuries, Subaru arrives at the big cathedral of the sanctuary where the habitants from the Alarm town and Rem should be, but sees the place is burning in flames and is quickly overwhelmed after understanding that the people inside choose to kill themselves before being prey to the rabbit. Some of the rabbits attempted to jump inside but were getting burned. Subaru apologizes to Rem for letting her die like this but also kind of accepts it since it was already another world coming to an end.

"Emilia..."

It was already a world coming to an end.

And even if it wasn't going to, Subaru would make it end.

A world in which Subaru couldn't save not even a single one of the persons he wanted to be with―At least he wanted to end it all besides that lovely girl.

"Use your lives to protect me. ―After we get to the tomb, you may do as you please."

The other Lewes copies protect Subaru until he gets to Ekidona's tomb.

※※　※　※　※　※　※　Translation of the latter half of chapter 68 ※　※　※　※　※　※

After arriving to the tomb, Subaru's body was no longer feeling any coldness.

His vision was blurred for all the snow and he felt his eyelashes had frozen. However, the Subaru breathing with trembling lips did no longer care about any of it.

His dull and heavy mind could only keep picturing that one girl.

Subaru keeps heading deep inside the tomb, dragging his feet through the lousy and rocky path.

The girl Subaru left sleeping in the space used for the trials should be waiting for him there.

"―Subaru?"

The silverbell pitched voice calls Subaru's name as soon as he enters the opened space.

After being lured by that voice and stepping inside, the girl raises her voice filled with joy as soon as she sees Subaru.

"It’s Subaru after all! Come on, where did you go!? You made me worry!"

Emilia takes Subaru's hand after trotting to him while saying that.

The sulking Emilia takes Subaru’s hand and holds it up her chest, sharing her tender warmth and looking up at Subaru.

"...Are you tired?"

"Yeah...I might be...a little tired."

"Ehehe, I see. In that case, in that case!"

Emilia smiles while blushing when Subaru admits his tiredness honestly.
And, still holding Subaru's hand, she suddenly sits in that place. After sitting with both her legs to one side, she pulls Subaru who is slightly dragged downwards.

"Here you have it, Subaru."

"...Your lap, huh."

"That's right. Subaru, you like resting on my lap right? You said that. I remember that properly. Here, enjoy it."

After lightly patting her thighs, Subaru decides to obey the Emilia that embarrassedly smiled in a proud way. Subaru sits and rest his face on Emilia's thighs like she told him to.

For an instant, Subaru's short hair grazes Emilia's skin, which makes her leak a cute sound, but she shortly gets used to it and starts stroking Subaru's head.

"How many times does this make it that I give Subaru a lap pillow?"

"I wonder...maybe three times. I feel like I'm always too worn out every time though."

"Although I enjoy messing with Subaru's hair and face like this with my fingers. Here, take this take this~"

Subaru lets the happy Emilia pull his bangs or bury her fingers in his face however she likes it.

He knew this was Emilia's way to express her love, so Subaru didn't feel the slightness intention to brush aside her fingers.

An already ending world―Subaru just wanted to drown in Emilia's love right now.

――After all, Subaru's stomach had already finished exhausting all its blood and contents anyway.

Subaru's ghastly appearance right now would make any normal person want to avert their eyes from him.
His back had some fangs on it and maybe his bones were visible if one could lift his shirt. Adding that to his shredded femur, there was also a lot of blood everywhere coming out of all his missing fingers of his right hand except for his thumb, which he lost trying to fend off a rabbit that jumped at him while running here.

It was thanks to his madly tenacity and the ironic result of the freezing coldness that slowed down his metabolism that Subaru could make it here with a very vague consciousness. But that too,

"Subaru, aren't you a little lighter than before?"

"I tried some bloody diet. Like...getting gradually lighter… like being hit with a blast and getting rid of all the mass..."

"I don't really understand what you're saying, but you once again did something rash for somebody's sake right? Subaru is that kind of person after all. I knew it already but...It really worries me."
"......"

"The truth is, I want you to do those kinds of things only for me. But I know that's just me being selfish and I also don't think I want to see Subaru pretending to ignore other people because of me. ...That's also selfish of me, I'm sorry."

Emilia's voice starts growing distant.

Differently from the coldness of outside, the tomb's insides preserved their temperature to an extent. Ironically, that also made Subaru's metabolism turn back to normal and make him bleed faster again.
The blood from his body starts dyeing the stone paving while Subaru vomits some blood from his mouth after coughing.

The blood that springs up ends up tarnishing Emilia's white cheeks. However―

"Hey, Subaru, are you listening? There are many, many, many things I want to talk and hear about you. Hey, please. Stay by my side. Listen to my voice. Let me listen to your voice, please?"

Emilia didn't mind the sensation of the blood in her face.

No, she hadn't even noticed. Her purple eyes were certainly looking down and reflecting Subaru on them―But they were not accepting the reality as it was.

Subaru had already been in an awful condition when he returned from the mansion because of Elsa's torture. His appearance could only had gotten worse after getting dragged by Garfield to the tomb too.

However, Emilia had not noticed Subaru's wounds nor did she mind to do it.
And that continued to be the same even in front of a Subaru with missing parts of his body that the great rabbit ate.

Emilia was not seeing the reality in front of her.

And that could also be said for Subaru too right now.

"―"

In reality, Subaru should've told Emilia the truth and get her out of her.

The great rabbit had already occupied the tomb's exterior and it was probably only a matter of time before they rushed inside too. If that happened Emilia would be gone in seconds too.
Just like how it happened with Roswaal, just like how the villagers choose to suicide inside the flames, Emilia too would not be able to escape from a merciless death.

Even though he understood all of that, Subaru didn't tell any of it to Emilia.

Just a little while longer until his life was gone―Subaru couldn't run away from his selfish desire to expend his last moments next to Emilia.

Roswaal's words and grandiose death, the regret of letting both Garfield and Ram die, the emptiness of losing Petra and Frederica and the feeling of powerlessness of not being able to save Rem and Beatrice were all destroying Subaru.

Even pain or the fear of death didn't matter to him right now.

――He just wanted to disappear from this world.

Subaru's reckless and selfish desire would soon come true.

His consciousness and soul had already started fading away from this place little by little as his vision gradually loses all color.

The strength leaves his limbs and all sensation from his almost totally shredded body disappears.

The only one that remains in this place, the only one left behind, is Emilia who even now does not realize she's about to lose Subaru.

"―"

Am I… leaving… Emilia behind?

The Emilia that can only depend on him like this, the Emilia that lost every other person she could rely on… and Subaru, the only one left for her was also going to leave her alone?

"Ah―"

Everything was already too late for regret. Everything had already been lost.

Not being able to talk, Subaru's eyes start losing their vitality.
Emilia didn't notice that either, and was only sweetly inclining her head towards the Subaru that had fallen silent.

And, after suddenly smiling and gently bringing her face closer―

"Subaru―"

"―"

Emilia kisses the silent Subaru.

―――Subaru's first kiss tasted like a cold death.

/TLd by spfag