Another Thing About Depression

Everyone is talking about depression. Everyone is talking about how sad it is, how hard it is, how painful it is. There are even people talking about how to help a depressed loved one. As someone who has dealt with depression her whole life, I'm feeling like there is a huge gap in the information. We've all been saying that there is too much of a social stigma regarding mental illness, but I'm still waiting for the HuffPost article outlining seven tips for how to respond when your coworker mentions their depression. It's ridiculous.

On a regular basis, I am asked the question "how are you?". Throughout my life, I've picked up on some widely accepted responses, both positive and negative. Many times the interaction is brief and all you can fit into the conversation is "fine", or "good, you?". Other times it's acceptable to say something more specific, perhaps complaining about the cold you've been fighting or offering some other window into your personal life. And we all know how to move past these responses. "Oh, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Would you like a cough drop?" And we move on.

Talking about depression should be just as normal, simple and quick.
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"Eh, I've been pretty depressed lately, so not too great."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yeah, it's life. How are you?"

You don't need to offer a hug. You don't need to ask if we want to talk. You don't need to do anything other than offer your sympathy and move on, because guess what? Depression is really fucking normal. It's terrible and awful, but so are genital warts and generic bulk candies, and we don't tend to dwell on those topics when brought up in passing conversation. We don't let those things trip us up. Because it's life.

And I think that is the big misconception about depression. No matter how many articles are written about the reality of depression, people still don't seem to understand that it is not a wildly romantic and overwhelming sadness that needs everyone's full attention. The symptoms of depression are not the same as a broken heart. People who suffer from depression aren't looking for a bottle of wine and a good long cry to feel better. It's much more complex and mundane than that. It's like a long, unending cold. You feel like shit. Your body aches, you've taken three naps today and you are surrounded by used tissue. Nothing is fun because you feel like shit. You're bored. The television gives you a headache, but you don't have the energy for anything else. So you sleep. And you cry. And when people ask you how you are doing, it takes all the positivity you have in you to smile and say "good, you?" because you just don't want to deal with the other person's inaccurate perception of what depression is. And this is why we don't talk about it. This is why there is a stigma. Because it just isn't a topic anyone is used to talking about and there is a huge risk of putting yourself into a situation that could ultimately make you feel worse.

The fact is that depression is a medical condition and a lot of people are dealing with it. If you notice someone bring it up in a casual context, it's probably because they are trying to accept it as such. Unless you feel personally moved to be a real help and support system for that person, your best option is to react just as you would to any other bad news. Express your sympathy and move on with the conversation. That small interaction will create a healthier environment for the person struggling to jump the mental and physical hurdles of depression, and it will probably save you both from an awkward conversation you didn't intend on having.