[7/17/2016 5:01:02 AM] michi: HI kita. HI!!! im sorry its like. ..5 am... and my moms probably going to take my laptop if she catches mme so if i just go. radio silence thats why but also its bc its this late that i have the courage to just like. say something?? IM SORRY IF IM INCOHERENT also i think im ramblinb bbut..

i.. miss talking to you. just casually every day.. like best friends. i mean we are but x__x i kind of miss that.. staying up talking until 5 am, that kind of thing? its mostly my fault that ive been busy but also ive just felt kind of... awkward. LIKE NOT LIKE BAD I DONT!!! like u awkward but like i just... like i think part of it (maybe paranoia) is that like we're drifting apart or running out of things in common which... im scared. about that i mean. it cant be helped but i value our friendship a lot so ive been like WORRYING and jfksdnfs anyways. and also bc like... awkward like.... how do i say.. like i feel like i made things awkward... and i feel like i introduced something that we didnt have to worry about before and now we do. i dont know i want to avoid it like Avoidance is the Best Policy right but... idk x__x;;; i... theres also another awkward. its probably just a me-centric awkward. does that make sense? i named like three different types of awkward LOL but i just am scared and anxious. not bc of you but bc of something i'm pretty sure you're at least a little aware of, that kind of pathetic sort of thing... you can't do anything about that so i will. slowly. i had kinda a breakdown which is part of the reason im writing this bc im STILL . ANYWAYS pretending im not delirious from lack of sleep and horribly.. horrible. i just... want to talk to you again.

i miss you. that kind of thing. and i want to fix it... idk how and maybe you dont know either LOL im just... anxious. maybe im overthinking things
[7/17/2016 5:01:06 AM] michi: yeah.
[7/17/2016 5:01:35 AM] michi: holy fuck that was a lot of writing ok... uh... . i sent it so... im.... uh............ thats.. . something yyou can read i guess.... g.. ok
[7/17/2016 5:02:34 AM] 百鬼夜行: rolls over. I'm awake
[7/17/2016 5:02:35 AM] michi: youre probably not even awake GOODBYE oh well if you read this in the morning: im sorry abt me and my depreOh youre up
[7/17/2016 5:02:48 AM] michi: h.. jgk. hi
[7/17/2016 5:02:53 AM] 百鬼夜行: I have my phone on always BC of work so I heard a lot of bubbles:::
[7/17/2016 5:03:04 AM] michi: OH NO im sorry. im sorry i forgot about work its 5... im s
[7/17/2016 5:03:17 AM] 百鬼夜行: I read all of that quick so?? I guess I'm mostly worried why you had a breakdown
[7/17/2016 5:03:22 AM] 百鬼夜行: It's okay I have today off
[7/17/2016 5:04:21 AM] 百鬼夜行: "I feel like I introduced something we didn't have to worry about before" I don't know what this is...
[7/17/2016 5:04:43 AM] michi: oh.. ok.. x_____x uhh idk i was on twitter and someone started talking about smth i forgot and i started thining about my abuser and then i had a panic attack and tthen i was like Real Depression Hours Time sso i kinda freaked myself out more andm moer.. not that.... it... well..
[7/17/2016 5:04:54 AM] 百鬼夜行: I want to have a more detailed conversation when I'm not Dead BC I've been wanting to talk
[7/17/2016 5:05:38 AM] michi: yeah...SRRY maybe we should both sssleep i just wanted to say something because like. id be too anxious to say anything when its not like 4 am lmao x__;;;;;;
[7/17/2016 5:05:53 AM] michi: ii was kind of hoping you were asleep so i could ninja delete it bbut... unfortuante.. ly ..,
[7/17/2016 5:06:08 AM] 百鬼夜行: Whispers I always see everything....
[7/17/2016 5:06:14 AM] 百鬼夜行: More than you know
[7/17/2016 5:06:46 AM] 百鬼夜行: Which is why I wanted to talk but like. Don't worry about it? I just wanna have a talk like we did before. Like we used to
[7/17/2016 5:07:02 AM] 百鬼夜行: Although I want to make sure you can sleep without feeling bad
[7/17/2016 5:09:11 AM] michi: me too.. and that last part may be impossible LOL since i worried myself into a neverending spiral of anxiety but..  i jsut wanted to get all everything out. yeah. im sorry im probably incoherent... we... can like both go to sleep im sorry to wake u up again... i just... im sorry.. ill probably be ok in the morning.. i mean later morning
[7/17/2016 5:09:59 AM] 百鬼夜行: You didn't wake me up actually I was literally just going to sleep. I was talking about Dick Emoji's with flap
[7/17/2016 5:10:27 AM] 百鬼夜行: I really  hope you feel better though!!! just feel my positive vibes
[7/17/2016 5:10:54 AM] 百鬼夜行: (heart) (heart)
[7/17/2016 5:11:45 AM] michi: OTL ok... ill be fine.. i hope.. if its not sselfish to ask i do kind of.. want to talk, later today...., but like its ffine if not ill do.. ill make do idk im jjust a wreck fjskdnafs
[7/17/2016 5:14:18 AM] 百鬼夜行: Yeah we can totally talk later, I'm down
[7/17/2016 5:14:34 AM] 百鬼夜行: I really miss you too
[7/17/2016 5:14:44 AM] 百鬼夜行: It'll be okay
[7/17/2016 5:15:56 AM] michi: ..okay
[7/17/2016 5:15:59 AM] michi: alright
[7/17/2016 5:16:10 AM] michi: i thin kill be ok.. i might just pass out now
[7/17/2016 5:16:14 AM] michi: literally
[7/17/2016 5:16:29 AM] 百鬼夜行: Take care of yourself dear
[7/17/2016 5:16:37 AM] 百鬼夜行: Let's go rest
[7/17/2016 5:16:54 AM] michi: ok TT_TT
[7/17/2016 5:16:58 AM] michi: goodnight..
[7/17/2016 5:17:20 AM] 百鬼夜行: Gently pats... There there (heart)
[7/17/2016 5:17:26 AM] 百鬼夜行: Sweet dreams
[7/17/2016 5:17:53 AM] michi: you too x__x;;... zz
[7/17/2016 11:10:13 AM] michi: good morning z z z
[7/17/2016 1:28:06 PM] 百鬼夜行: goooooood morning...rolls over
[7/17/2016 1:28:15 PM] 百鬼夜行: I had to get all dressed bc we have family over and I`m like "why"
[7/17/2016 2:01:12 PM] michi: omg... good luck TT_TT i hate having family over x___x
[7/17/2016 5:39:37 PM] 百鬼夜行: OK I think I have a moment to breathe now...
[7/17/2016 7:22:17 PM] michi: whew im sorry x__x my mom kinda......... went ballistic and i had to clean up a lot of smashed things and comfort everyone and.. yyeah x_x
[7/17/2016 7:22:20 PM] michi: im sorry..
[7/17/2016 7:23:04 PM] 百鬼夜行: oh no...that sounds awful
[7/17/2016 7:23:06 PM] 百鬼夜行: are you okay?
[7/17/2016 7:29:18 PM] michi: ...scared mostly
[7/17/2016 7:29:31 PM] michi: my mom talked about divorce and she talked about killing herself
[7/17/2016 7:29:47 PM] michi: a lot
[7/17/2016 7:30:15 PM] michi: and i was so.. frozen. imm already emotionally worn out from last night and tthis was juts
[7/17/2016 7:33:42 PM] 百鬼夜行: hm..
[7/17/2016 7:33:49 PM] 百鬼夜行: I feel bad because I really can`t help here...
[7/17/2016 7:37:18 PM] michi: probably shouldve chosen a better time to relive my abusers rape fantasies L o"?l
[7/17/2016 7:40:19 PM] michi: its alright!!! srry i feel bbad for just suddenly popping out at 5 am with a bunch of vague things x_x
[7/17/2016 7:41:03 PM] 百鬼夜行: nah it`s okay I wanted to talk about some things too that have kind of been. on my mind
[7/17/2016 7:41:09 PM] 百鬼夜行: but i`m not sure now is the best when you`ve got a lot going on
[7/17/2016 7:42:00 PM] michi: no that's fine!!! i wanted to talk to you too and... ive had some time to calm down n__n
[7/17/2016 7:47:43 PM] 百鬼夜行: well I`m not entirely sure how to organize my thoughts so rather you should go first and say what`s on your mind since you were being rather vague
[7/17/2016 7:47:54 PM] 百鬼夜行: almost sounding guilty about things? so I think you should get that out
[7/17/2016 7:48:00 PM] 百鬼夜行: it might coinside with my thoughts
[7/17/2016 7:50:30 PM] michi: okay... whew x__x;; idk how to say it all the sleep deprivation-induced bravado is GONE jksdfn im laughign and dying
[7/17/2016 7:50:46 PM] 百鬼夜行: well there`s no need for bravado, it`s you and me after all
[7/17/2016 7:50:56 PM] 百鬼夜行: unless you feel like you can`t trust me or have a reason not to say something
[7/17/2016 7:50:58 PM] 百鬼夜行: you can be honest
[7/17/2016 7:52:35 PM] michi: okay... ok x__x;; i'll try to articulate things decently but that's probably... a little.. im sorry if its not OTL
[7/17/2016 7:52:59 PM] 百鬼夜行: just be honest and yourself
[7/17/2016 8:08:41 PM] michi: idk i just...... feel.... i mentioned this before sorry i'll probably repeat myself a lot but i just worry we're growing apart.. or jjust dont have anything in common anymore... i miss being able to talk to each other so easily and i just feel like.

i have this feeling like i ruined things..?? im going to be non-vague which is like a) against all advice and b) makes me like don t fUC k things up AGAIN michi but whatever. whatever. im living my life

i mentioned kind of being like... awk..ward like feeling awkward and i think the fact that we havent talked is mostly my fault. im just constantly working on translations and i know its a reminder of stress you really dont need in your life rn or ever really and also bc i just.. idk... im not good at problem solving so rather than confronting anything or talking it out i kind of avoided it and that meant i didnt talk to you as much... thats my.. fault

i cant help this nagging feeling that i kind of.. idk... maybe im just imagining all of this and making a big deal about nothing bc like.. real Mental Illness Hours and like stress or Whatever so you can just.. ignore this if you want but

i feel like i.. fucked everything up so badly by confessing to you. like i know ppl will say its not gross or weird that i have this compulsion to be infatuated with every adult that treats me with some modicum of respect or kindness but its disgusting. im honestly truly disgusted with myself and i still feel like.... i guilted you into flir..ti..ng ???? wrong word maybe or but like that kind of thing.... with me... and i feel even worse bc i was so happy then. and after you cut it off... i was kind of selfishly sad.... bc every other adult ive gotten attached to or has realized that i was infatuated with them didnt have any compunctions about either getting into a straight up romantic relationship with me or using me as their meek asian girl sex fantasy which is really nothing but my fault but well.. i wasnt used to your kindness at all.. and yeah i wwas crushed x__x;; i didnt have any right to be... but... and i dont really but... you.. you get what im saying i guess maybe

and ii.. you know i keep trying to support yyou and help you and like cheer you on? that kind of thing.. i guess... or... yeah....... it makes me feel terrible now bc i feel like im acting based on ulterior motives now... i just feel disgusted with myself straight up and even moreso because i to be honest still have some hope... for what?? idk. idk. that's my problem and not yours and im nervous about even telling you this because if things werent fucked up then they sure will be now and i just... dont want you to leave. like not like You Cant Leave of course you can you can... right now... ijust.......................................................................... im scared. im sorry. ill keep.. doing my best to ......... to... not...

yeah
[7/17/2016 8:08:46 PM] michi: agh
[7/17/2016 8:08:48 PM] michi: fuck
[7/17/2016 8:09:16 PM] michi: ill do whatever i guess sorry again
[7/17/2016 8:13:24 PM] 百鬼夜行: I miss being able to talk to you as well. but for maybe other things? I don`t know. so first let me address what you have to say as best as I can
I think we still have stuff in common, but there is a problem I`ll address in a moment
it`s not bad that you`re working so hard on things, but again, something else happening that I want to address that ties into the last issue

and as far as confessing goes, I want you to hear from my mouth that it's not something that messed us up. it`s my responsibility as the adult not to do anything bad because you`re underage, so I wanted to uphold that responsibility and be the most respectable person I could, while not hurting you. especially the way others have. I don`t think you`re gross, nor weird, and you`ll always be someone I care about deeply
[7/17/2016 8:13:51 PM] 百鬼夜行: you never guilted me into anything, and I would have walked out if I didn`t want to be around you. I`ve already cut many people off because I can`t stand them, I`m not afraid of doing that. I would have done that by now
[7/17/2016 8:24:36 PM] michi: ii... i see.. idk its.. x_x also more of a fear that i permanently colored or fucked up any future interactions wed have bc of my insatiable desire to fuck up everything i can get my grubby hands on LOL
[7/17/2016 8:24:59 PM] michi: z__z;;; i just.. dont know wwhat to do......
[7/17/2016 8:33:50 PM] 百鬼夜行: well that`s what talking is for...we talk things out
[7/17/2016 8:33:58 PM] 百鬼夜行: i`m not just going to walk away and storm out or anything
[7/17/2016 8:37:25 PM] michi: うん... u__u;;;
[7/17/2016 8:37:36 PM] michi: srry idk wwhat to say now.. im just... kind of.. x_x
[7/17/2016 8:38:07 PM] 百鬼夜行: if you don`t mind listening to what I have to say, there`s a couple of things I wanted to discuss
[7/17/2016 8:39:30 PM] michi: sure!! i ddont mind
[7/17/2016 8:41:14 PM] 百鬼夜行: first I want to open this up that this is what I think. it doesn`t mean it`s right. or I`m right. it`s just how I feel given current circumstances, and things that I have seen
[7/17/2016 8:44:07 PM] michi: okay!!! n_n;;
[7/17/2016 8:44:56 PM] 百鬼夜行: I say that because you value the opinions and words of others very much
[7/17/2016 8:47:04 PM] 百鬼夜行: and it`s not bad to be conscious of that. however the problem definitely lies in the fact that. to put it shortly, without lengthening this because of how troubled I`ve felt, it troubles me that you say things to my face but when put in front of others, you`ll say something else. to impress them, to be validated by them, of that I`m not sure. you can tell me if you wish. but it bothers me that you`ll try to please so many others that I wonder what you say to me that might be placating. I`m not sure your real thoughts.
[7/17/2016 8:47:45 PM] 百鬼夜行: and it all just started with stupid little things. like you saying how much you liked/had ideas for kaokana despite
[7/1/2016 12:55:03 AM] 百鬼夜行: even if you ship kaokana, if that`s your true self
[7/1/2016 12:56:50 AM] michi: LMAO NEVER!!!!!! i would make a blood pact not to lol you've made me hate it so much i'm just repulsed by it
and then backing out of liking your favourite characters/ships that I`ve known you for months of adoration. just because "well someone said this was bad, so I will follow them"
[7/17/2016 8:47:56 PM] 百鬼夜行: and I just. it kinda gets to me. I`m bothered by it.
[7/17/2016 8:48:35 PM] 百鬼夜行: and secondly I almost feel like you`re putting your success above your friends. and maybe I`m just jealous. of what you can do, of the attention you keep. but I`m sad because of how much you`ve avoided me because you were so busy, but had no problem talking to people on twitter
[7/17/2016 8:57:29 PM] michi: ah... i see...
[7/17/2016 8:59:06 PM] michi: with the first part... i know people value their ships a lot so i just.. try to make everyone happy.... oobviously this isnt an excuse? or rather something like that but one of my rly.. rly close friends is a ritsuizu / izuleo purist and gets rly upset when she sees me talking about something else of that kind of thing x__x;; its not as extreme of course with any of my other friends but...
[7/17/2016 8:59:34 PM] michi: i worry. and rather than real thoughts it's easier to change what i like or repress it so i don't bother anyone
[7/17/2016 9:00:48 PM] 百鬼夜行: my issue with that is. I just don`t see the point in painting on what face you think people will want to like you because it`s a ie. and the lies you come up with will eventually not please another person even though it pleases another, or even a handful
so what do you do then? lie again to cover another lie?
[7/17/2016 9:01:20 PM] 百鬼夜行: and it bothers me you say things to my face, me, who says that I appreciate you for YOUR thoughts and no body elses
but then to other people you turn and 180 and say something else to them.
[7/17/2016 9:01:50 PM] 百鬼夜行: and it makes me feel that I can`t trust what you say, in the sense I`m not sure what words I can believe
[7/17/2016 9:04:58 PM] michi: a lie...
[7/17/2016 9:05:04 PM] michi: i... see...
[7/17/2016 9:05:42 PM] michi: its easy for me to say in practice that i dont care and then talk about izumako or whatever whatever but when it comes down to it i'm scared of anyone's disapproval
[7/17/2016 9:06:05 PM] michi: aka i'm a coward.. not to fish for reassurance. thats just it x_x
[7/17/2016 9:06:41 PM] michi: when it comes to you i still feel the compulsion to like whatever you like
[7/17/2016 9:07:12 PM] michi: i still remember you saying that you were a little sad since i started to talk a lot about ritsuizu and that kind of thing.. and kind of drift away since we used to be so similar
[7/17/2016 9:08:10 PM] michi: haha...i'm not sure what else to say at that point because if you don't trust.. just.. what i have to say... there's not... much i can do to fix anything else
[7/17/2016 9:08:57 PM] michi: and that second part you mentioned up there.. it's my flaw as a person. honestly one of my bigger ones among them because i avoid talking to people just because i'd rather not talk at all then talk for a little bit, get distracted, and leave them hanging
[7/17/2016 9:09:33 PM] 百鬼夜行: I do remember saying tha,t and that was wrong of me to want to insist you should just have a million things in common with me. what I really want is to hear what you have to say. things you like. from from my influence, free from anyone elses
[7/17/2016 9:09:40 PM] 百鬼夜行: I`m not friends with a parrot. is what I`m saying.
[7/17/2016 9:09:53 PM] 百鬼夜行: and I know you don`t want to ruffle any feathers of anyone by disagreeing with them, but that`s human nature
[7/17/2016 9:10:13 PM] 百鬼夜行: people you want to stick with will disagree with you, but do so politely. will have a discussion with you. will be willing to talk
[7/17/2016 9:10:24 PM] 百鬼夜行: people who you don`t want to stick with are those who turn their backs on you for what you really think.
[7/17/2016 9:13:24 PM] michi: i... yeah. yeah x__x;; i should stop trying to be... pleasing everyone...
[7/17/2016 9:14:00 PM] michi: if i could put a positive spin on it id be like im easily swayed bc people care so much about their ships and im like Okay i can see why its cute i like it now
[7/17/2016 9:14:18 PM] michi: rather the other perspective that i dont even know who i am anymore
[7/17/2016 9:14:30 PM] michi: (dramatic teenage voice) WHo Am I but ha....
[7/17/2016 9:15:02 PM] michi: ive spent most of my life acclimating to what people expect of me or want me to be
[7/17/2016 9:15:13 PM] michi: its so much easier to like everything. like nothing but fake it. do whatever
[7/17/2016 9:16:31 PM] 百鬼夜行: it`s definitely easy
[7/17/2016 9:16:39 PM] 百鬼夜行: but it`s not healthy. and not good for your sense of identity
[7/17/2016 9:17:08 PM] 百鬼夜行: it`s okay to feel whatever you feel/say/think/like/want/do if it`s done by you. not for the wants of others
[7/17/2016 9:18:40 PM] michi: i dont rly know where to start with... just liking things for myself rather than anyone else
[7/17/2016 9:18:55 PM] michi: izumako was the only ship really like that that i loved so much i could ignore everyone else talking about it
[7/17/2016 9:18:58 PM] michi: and then of course.
[7/17/2016 9:18:59 PM] michi: came.
[7/17/2016 9:19:03 PM] michi: Anxiety.
[7/17/2016 9:22:53 PM] 百鬼夜行: folds my hands together. I really can`t say to you any more than what I`ve said countless times before
[7/17/2016 9:22:59 PM] 百鬼夜行: there`s no point in living the desires [7/17/2016 9:22:59 PM] 百鬼夜行: of other people
[7/17/2016 9:23:23 PM] 百鬼夜行: are you even living? are you living your life?
and i`m not even talking about ships here, but molding all of your general likes. what you want to/like doing to other people will effect you greatly
[7/17/2016 9:23:38 PM] 百鬼夜行: going along with someone just because it causes the least amount of conflict
[7/17/2016 9:25:08 PM] 百鬼夜行: (and really quickly touching on. the earlier topic I missed but, avoiding someone here on skype just because you`re worried you would leave me hanging. you know I never stop talking so no you would never leave me hanging, and secondly, is not saying anything at all much better? it`s alienating...I was constantly worried about how you felt because I knew you weren`t talking to me. I figured it was my fault)
[7/17/2016 9:27:47 PM] michi: living? ..i mean iive never known anything different.. you know hhow my family is.. more specifically my mom... sso maybe my compulsions make sense. maybe they dont. idk x__x;;;;
[7/17/2016 9:28:51 PM] michi: i... i didnt think about that x__x;; i kind of just thought you were 100% ok w not talking to me again.. because.. im.. me.. .. zzz
[7/17/2016 9:29:00 PM] michi: im sorry i worried you...
[7/17/2016 9:30:28 PM] michi: i... idk if this will make sense. ive never really tried to articulate it before but its kind of a combination of avoiding just anythign that makes me nervous and also bc i just.. avoid talking to people sometimes.. just.. no reason.. i just pull away
[7/17/2016 9:30:30 PM] michi: probably bc im scared
[7/17/2016 9:30:32 PM] michi: again.
[7/17/2016 9:34:12 PM] 百鬼夜行: if you`re scared, and if I make you anxious, you don`t have to be my friend
[7/17/2016 9:34:24 PM] 百鬼夜行: you have full autonomy of who you want to be with
[7/17/2016 9:34:27 PM] 百鬼夜行: I want you to know that
[7/17/2016 9:36:34 PM] michi: ii know.. yyou dont make me scared that was a bbad way to put it im just anxious.. that ill... do something bad or something or say something weird
[7/17/2016 9:36:40 PM] michi: sorry
[7/17/2016 9:37:07 PM] michi: you can sort of see now that im only really a anxious jumble of nerves and self-depreciation and... not much else really...
[7/17/2016 9:37:19 PM] michi: im sorry... im not really a very interesting.. person to be around
[7/17/2016 9:37:22 PM] michi: i used to be..
[7/17/2016 9:38:15 PM] 百鬼夜行: I never said you`re not an interesting person to be around
[7/17/2016 9:38:20 PM] 百鬼夜行: I never said you`re weird or will say something bad
[7/17/2016 9:38:23 PM] 百鬼夜行: what I want you to know is
[7/17/2016 9:38:27 PM] 百鬼夜行: or rather what I`m frustrated about is
[7/17/2016 9:38:38 PM] 百鬼夜行: you`re caring so much about people who will only like you if you mold to them
[7/17/2016 9:38:51 PM] 百鬼夜行: and I`m trying right here so hard to let you know you don`t have to. especially when you`re with me
[7/17/2016 9:43:34 PM] michi: x__x wouldnt it be... better... if i just continued. to like everything you did, to talk about anything you like
[7/17/2016 9:43:54 PM] michi: youd.. be happier im sure... and i wouldnt mind.. you know id appreciate anything you do
[7/17/2016 9:44:17 PM] 百鬼夜行: sure, that`s the easy route. to ask you to just be everything I like
[7/17/2016 9:44:30 PM] 百鬼夜行: but that`s not how the world works. and I don`t want you to think that`s what you have to do
[7/17/2016 9:44:48 PM] 百鬼夜行: You don`t need to appreciate anything I do. you don`t need to settle, with me or others
[7/17/2016 9:45:00 PM] 百鬼夜行: you can`t control your family, who you`re born to, and how you have to appease them
[7/17/2016 9:45:04 PM] 百鬼夜行: but you can control who you`re friends with
[7/17/2016 9:45:09 PM] 百鬼夜行: and I want you to know I care
[7/17/2016 9:53:20 PM] michi: ii dont want to think that im settling for you x__x at all... tthat... wasnt my intention tto say
[7/17/2016 9:53:50 PM] michi: im glad yyou care... i do trust you mmore than most bbut i also look up to you and tthat i guess brings a little fear of hurting you or making you feel not very... x_x
[7/17/2016 9:54:24 PM] 百鬼夜行: making people mad or hurting them is something that we can`t really avoid. but it`s how we take care of it is what makes us true friends
[7/17/2016 9:54:59 PM] 百鬼夜行: what`s hurting me is your not being honest, with me or others. and I can`t change you or your life, but I`m just telling you how I feel
[7/17/2016 9:59:46 PM] michi: im sorry... i didnt really think of it as dishonesty until a few hours ago...
[7/17/2016 9:59:55 PM] michi: ah... x__x eek
[7/17/2016 10:00:11 PM] michi: i wanna change... but iits probably a process
[7/17/2016 10:00:15 PM] michi: rather tthan a decision
[7/17/2016 10:01:02 PM] 百鬼夜行: and I`m going to be honest with you and I hope it doesn`t come off overdramatic but. it makes me wonder about what you say that I can trust. and I`m not saying that now I don`t trust you anymore, but I can`t deny some of that worry hangs, that some of it has been lost
[7/17/2016 10:01:17 PM] 百鬼夜行: I know it`s not going to happen overnight, just to change as a person. it doesn`t happen like that for anyone
[7/17/2016 10:09:59 PM] michi: ..ii... i see...
[7/17/2016 10:11:56 PM] 百鬼夜行: I don`t hate you. I don`t want to stop being your friend
[7/17/2016 10:12:02 PM] 百鬼夜行: but I can`t deny that I`m both hurt and concerned for you
[7/17/2016 10:14:24 PM] 百鬼夜行: you don`t need to worry about abandonment, I`m not going to leave
you don`t need to feel anxiety about me, because you know I`m your friend. and that`s not going to change
[7/17/2016 10:24:32 PM] michi: ii sort of feel like ive failed
[7/17/2016 10:24:36 PM] michi: to have lost your trust
[7/17/2016 10:28:33 PM] 百鬼夜行: it`s what happens when you`re not honest
and i`m not trying to say that to make you feel bad. I want you to realize this. what are you going to do when other people figure out you`ve just been molding yourself to them?
[7/17/2016 11:03:21 PM] 百鬼夜行: I hope I didn`t run you out of here...
[7/21/2016 8:56:45 PM] michi: im... sorry. i want to start off by apologizing although i will be doing that uh a lot more llater in this message OTL... i'm sorry for kind of running away.... ii wasnt intending on ignoring you or what you said forever or for a long time, bbut i did take some time to think about it and x__x... sorry again!!

ii took what you said to heart. i did it not just because the thought of doing something bad makes me feel horrible, but really mostly bc the thought that i lost your trust and made you... angry. sad. feel negatively... that i caused that makes me sick bc i do care about you. i'm sorry if the rest of this message comes off as me rationalizing my actions to make them seem less bad, but i hope that it would be alright if i give my point of view maybe a little more clearly because i wasn't quite thinking straight?

id like to start off by apologizing first for... not being honest about my ships or what i truly feel. i know i broke your trust in me and that it wont be an easy task to get it back, but if youd believe me on one tthing i hope youll believe that i seriously do want to change x_x i dont mind how long it would take bc i want to be a better person and a better friend and i treasure our friendships. i particularly rly regret being so vehement in my hatred for kaokana, which i know you hate. with a passion. i made the decision to do so partially bc i still do remember you being upset about another person (shingo?) rting / liking kaokana and while i am absolutely not condemning you fffor that nor am i saying you havent changed at all since then but i have that lingering fear, especially with kaokana, about expressing what i have to say or even that i'm neutral because i know you hate it so much... its not a justification bbut i hope that maybe youll see where im coming from a little bit

i would kind of like to say that the reason im so wishy washy on ships and honestly most of my opinions is partially bc i change myself to make other ppl satisfied but thats.. not quite the whole thing. i didnt want to say it then bc it would be seeming kind of like an excuse and it still is but im... also rly easily swept up with peoples emotions, particularly with ships. im neutral on most like ive said, but i hope you dont... think.. that all the times weve talked about ships was me lying through my teeth to make you happy. that wasnt the case at all, and while i hope you believe that its ok if you dont... while im really honestly apathetic? not that but no strong opinions on most of the ships we discussed as of now, the happiness i felt talking about them with you and the love i felt for them at the time were genuine. im not in a constant state of lying to myself and others about what i like, but i do let myself get swept up with other ppl because i love enjoying a ship with another person and i do find myself liking or disliking a ship when i consider it from the other persons perspective... i dont know how to describe it im sorry but x__x i hope you sort of get what i mean... its not that im forcing myself mostly or concealing what i rly feel at least not mostly....

SRRY i know this isnt all about ships so ill move on later but. the decision i made to not stop shipping izumako but not talk about it and stop or not ship shumika and kurotetsu among other things wasnt just me being scared. fear was a little factor but it wasnt all of it. shumika and kurotetsu are ships i have decided on my own had dynamics that i personally didnt want to support at that point, and i still wwill hold strong on that, as well as izumako (although i will always like it as a cope ship). i know theyre ships you like. after thinking about it some... (LOL this is actually one of the few times ive.. ill admit i disagree with you) i almost want to say it's an issue of morality rather than... well you werent in the wrong but i was. i was untruthful. bbut i dont think im entirely at fault either, if that's alright to say (and of course you can call me out if its not something youd want to hear). i believed at the time that agreeing with you even if i dont and moving on was the better option. i didnt want to rock the boat, i guess, and i genuinely thought that if you were happy, that was the good thing to do. i still dont really believe in disagreeing openly, but i also dont believe thats something that hurts me. ii dont think im a robot, and i do have my own opinions. i shouldnt have been vehement in agreeing with you when i wasnt. and now i do recognize i can disagree without upsetting you. i was fearful, really... and i still kind of am. that's no fault of yours.. but i viewed conflict = bad when it really didnt have to be, and i was terrified of you getting angry at me or disagreeing with mme bc you tend to be maybe a little bit blunt when you say things. i ddont think thats a bad thing of course!!! i think its actually a really good thing bc it encourages communication and its something i want to (and maybe, just a little bit, have been slowly) learn from you... but its still a little scary to me (ok a little terrifying) bc its not my way of speaking and its jarring.. sort of.. im sorry ii rly dont mean to come off like blaming you x__x;;

i guess.. okay my knee-jerk reaction when you sort of said i was lying by agreeing with whatever ppl said was shock, sadness, and kind of disappointment in myself. i also didnt agree; i viewed it as not rocking the boat, which is what most ppl do, right? im happy and really really grateful that you are so concerned about me being miserable and shaping my opinions for others, but what i said to you and rii wasnt the whole story. its not me quashing my insatiable love for a ship just because someone doesnt want me to. ii said all those things when i was in an extremely anxiety-riddled state of mind, and while the nervousness of being attacked for liking those ships was a little part of why i dont talk about those things, its also because i learned from others AND realized for myself, thinking by myself, that my opinion has changed. i still have issues with anxiety but... IDK LOL i'm trying to phrase this right but i keep talking myself in circles.

lmk if you want me to clarify what im saying bc obviously i didnt explain it well at all but im actually feeling up to . serious . discussion bc idk if you.. really knew... but its a little hard for me to argue against you. not rly argue but disagree partially bc im genuiinely a timid person by nature and a little bit because i... ddont think im a robot that goes Must Agree With Kita all the ttime but i look up to you. a lot. i really do.. and i find myself either convinced by you completely and only thinking of expressing what i have to say later and also bc imm a little scared of disagreeing with you. you specifically. imm sorry x__x ii dont know... i dont wwant to to say that youre a scary or intimidating person bbut i do look to you for both advice and wis..do...,m?!?! so i really value your opinion and view you not just as a friend but as an adult i can turn to and idk.. z__z ii hate to bring age into this like 'You Have THe POWER' bbut i hope you understand what i mean and why specifically ii might be tending to agree with you or not be able to have a disagreement with you....
[7/21/2016 8:56:59 PM] michi: finally. ok not really finally but if im being honest i seriously do feel like yyou... resent me to a degree. i know youll probably deny it and i kknow.. i hope.. i think you dont HAte me but i do know youre at a position where you.. we, rly... dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. if you dont trust me and if you resent me you too are free to walk away from the friendship. x__x i dont want you to but thats your choice and i dont want to be a force of... sadness in your life kind of. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

okayy.

OKAY.

this is the part where i say some dumb tthings and you correct me, and also where i talk about things that i should have been Done With but i will anyways because i really, really want to talk about this. at least a little. if you're okay with giving me a little closure for mmy selfish wants

i wouldve probably left this part out but bc you already know i'll just reiterate. i like you. still. and i love you. i love you as a dear friend of mine, as someone i sincerely look up to in ability and knowledge, and i like you romantically.

ok. now why am i talking about this???????? the answer: im pathetic and sad. bc i... i know we talked about it a lot when you ended things, and i know you ended things as gracefully as any person could which im grateful for. i really am. but ffor some reason i still feel... just unsure. im scared. bc our weird kinda-not-really relationship came out of a kinda-not-really rejection, or a wait-three-years-and-we'll-see rejection, which i tthink is a little bit of the reason why i'm so lost and confused bc in my heart of hearts theres still a little glimmer of hope that you'll keep flirting with me. i treasure our friendship. i really really do. but i do think that not defining our relationship was both a good and a bad thing bc while we definitely shouldnt have had a real, true romantic relationship, that kind-of-in-between relationship was kind of the reason why i was so lost when it broke off suddenly.

and yeah, ill be selfish for a minute. i was so happy when you started flirting for lack of a better word with me. i wouldve been happy with anything. and i was impossibly happy when you sort of said i could wait three years, bc it meant i had a chance. i'm still hopeful now, really, although i know you probably aren't interested in me anymore nor do you want this dialogue to open again. but i feel like we should set boundaries, if. and this is a big if. if you feel like you don't want to walk away from this friendship, which you can do 100%. i'll keep improving myself on my own. if you feel like this friendship can't be sustained, then you can do so. x__x i just... i'm starting to realize as much as i don't want to that that way we interacted, even if it was just for a short month or two, wasn't healthy for either of us at all. of course LOL i don't think my pining will be requited. i know that. and i... i'll get over it eventually. but i kind of almost feel like we should set boundaries bc as soon as i try to distance myself from what im feeling or get over it that being too close just makes my heart ache all over again. srry. x__x;; i sound like a bad romance novel LOL and i dont know what you would define as boundaries but. ijfsdfns

i just ran this through wordcounter and this is almost 2k words. can u believe this shit. again you can dispute any point in here or take a week to digest it too i guess or... say anything. i want to keep being friends with you. i care about you and admire you so much. but... jFSDKFLSN IDK IVE SAID YOU CAN LEAVE LIKE 10 TIMES this ends now
[3:14:59 PM] 百鬼夜行: OK so first of all i`m gonna start with this: I also took some time to digest things. because its not fair that I had to be piled on with festering feelings. on top of everything. I don`t think it`s fair that I have, several times, had to wait agonizing days and days to see what I had done wrong. I had always blamed myself in every case. But I realize I can`t do that now because I`m not responsible for how you decided to handle things (waiting days or a week) so I decided to wait myself. Because, if you`d been talking to me you`d know, right now my life is a mess of trying to adjust to an abundance of new and painful things, and I`m trying my best to cope. but you wouldn`t know because you kept avoiding me. what I wanted you to understand is how harmful that kind of thing can be. not talking to someone being better than even talking to them at all is a sense of logic I can`t follow

because you gave me so much to digest, I`m going to do my best not to throw so much back at you. and also because my feelings are maybe more cut and dry? who knows.

to begin with the reason I have a problem with your thought of agreeing with everyone is a way not to rock the boat. but humanity, friendship, is based on the trust of being able to say what you feel and not feel judgment. and yes, disagreement can and definitely will happen, but that is how people grow. how people trust each other even better. because real friends can be friends even with disagreements. it`s the ones that aren`t real who leave you behind when you disagree. (and yes there are some disagreements that are breaking points bc it completely betrays you as a person but what I`m saying is. the little things, like shipping. and yeah I do take it pretty seriously but I wouldn`t condemn someone to NO FRIENDSHIP bc they don`t ship what I do) you used shingo as an example. I say it both to other people and to his face what I don`t like when he ships something. but because we`re such good friends we agree to disagree and realize that even when we have separate feelings, we focus instead on what we agree on.

friendship isn`t about not rocking the boat. it`s about being able to be real with someone. and the reason I feel so vehemently about this is because I spent a larger part of my life faking it and not rocking the boat. until I found my voice and realized that I could be who I wanted to be. I spoke up against my parents who thought my whole lifestyle was wrong, and from then I decided to be true to myself. and people who didn`t like it could leave. and if they wanted to stay, we could somehow find a compromise. to me, that is humanity, relationships, real friendship.

I know you value what I think and want to use it to define how you feel but. you can`t do that. I can`t be the one to validate you. only you can. after all you said you`re not a robot. I appreciate you look to me for wisdom and I`ll gladly give it, but not everything I say or do is right. (although I`ll have to contest that shipping certain things is against morality but like I said before. we`re allowed to disagree on those points. what I want is you to actually speak up about them)
and not only speak up about that but just be honest. if you don`t want to talk about something we don`t have to. if you say to me "actually I hate this" i`ll stop. and I would say the same to you when I feel uncomfortable; I have in the past. because when you`re friends you should be able to say how you really feel, not pretend, not try to "avoid rocking the boat"

I don`t resent you. I`m sad. I feel hurt and I feel bad because this is not where our friendship should have gone. it feels like something was taken out of it. because you started avoiding me, because you didn`t say how you really felt.
but what I`m saying is that we can move forward and fill that gap that was created with honesty, with better memories. it`ll take some time but I believe it can happen.

now on the final matter what I have to say is I was definitely in the wrong by kind of feeding into how you felt. because I felt it too, and I wanted to act on it. but I know I can`t because it`s wrong. but as I said I do want us to be friends, and I don`t want those memories of having to break it off make it so you can never talk to me or be friends with me. although I can`t fault you if you want to walk away because I bring up too many bad feelings regarding how you feel in your heart. I understand if you want to set boundaries although I too have no idea where you`d want to begin. but we can. it`s an option. I want things to be okay, but we have to address what went wrong. it can`t just be swept under the rug.
and it definitely shouldn`t be solved just by writing novels back and forth. we need to Talk. instead of running away.
[3:46:33 PM] michi: okay imm up aand... um... ii feel a little ssick maybe bbut i hope youre still online
[3:47:22 PM] 百鬼夜行: I`m here
[3:53:39 PM] michi: hhi... x__x;;
[3:53:50 PM] michi: srry imm still kind of.. rereading tthe whole tthing so i might sound a little disjointed..
[3:54:21 PM] 百鬼夜行: it`s okay, take your time
[4:21:58 PM] michi: ookay.. so i gathered mmy thoughts a little (bbut im still upset so sorry if im like x__x;; wweird sounding?! or something...) aand... i dont mean to be rude but i dont really like how you kinda started out like 'i made you wait bc you made ME wait and i was going through a lot and revenge etc etc' because ii know. im sorry i avoided you. im sorry i wasnt there for you while you were going through a lot. but that entire start of the message is guilt-trippy... i think... adn honestly im not All About That

the second part: ill... i m sorry if this aprt sounds angry or aggressive bbut ill be honest in that i am literally terrified of you, and particularly the blunt way you put things. thats not a bad thing, and thats not your fault, but im pretty sure you know how scared i am because of a combination of how i was raised, my culture, and my mental illness. and you also know how much i admire you. how much i look up to you, and how your age... ssrry.... i think it gives you power over me, even if you didnt mean for it to be like that. it just is. and im a little... nnot very okay with how you use shingo as an example of a 'disagreement' bc ii remember pretty clearly that you framed it as a betrayal and you were angry. even if you would say those things to shingos face that you said to me (which, word for word? ii kind of doubt) im a different case. im glad youve found that you can be up front and honest. that's something i stive for. but im REALLY not all about you implying that i am a liar or ~not a real friend- because i will change my opinion for you, knowing that disagreeing is hard for me.

you phrase the whole thing like you're teaching me a life lesson but youre also angry when im not there for you, which is shitty of me as a friend but if im being honest i thnk you shouldve used your descretion as an adult to not be... i dont want to say dependent. thats not rly it. but venting to me a lot and confiding in me... i know i presented myself as someone who you could talk to. and i am. but im only 15, and as you know, far less mature? than you are. and im kind of... nnot.. well im sad too. bc youre basically saying that this friendship 'didnt go as planned' bc of ME. i dont mind taking some of the blame for it, or even most of it, but thats... not ok??? anyways
[4:22:06 PM] michi: sorry for another novel
[4:22:22 PM] michi: bbut i know ill lose my nerve if i give you the chance to refute each point
[4:22:36 PM] michi: aand i also know you wont be happy about this
[4:24:30 PM] michi: i know youre a good person. and i still admire you a lot. but i think there were a lot of missteps made by both of us. it was sorta unhealthy from the start, discussing nsfw with such a huge age difference and furthermore me presenting myself as some kind of therapist of confidant when neither is the case
[4:25:23 PM] michi: i dont think friendships between adults and well.... young teenagers? is impossible. but that requires some serious, serious, line-drawn-in-the-sand boundaries, which took me so long to realize because ive had very precious few healthy relationships with adults.
[4:29:20 PM] michi: srry. i know this is one of the few times ive really openly disagreed with you but i straight up think the majority of that message is manipulative and couched in pretty metaphor and while iive almost always bowed aand agreed with you upon reading anything you say bc youre much better at writing and phrasing things than i am i think ill have to say im honestly kinda... lmao
[4:37:42 PM] 百鬼夜行: to be honest it wasn`t for revenge. it`s because I literally, at the time, could not take it. I had to wait because I felt so awful with what was going on and on top of it you just foisted all these feelings on to me. I can even recall telling whoever was talking to me at the time "I don`t have the energy for this" because of what`s going on in my life currently. I didn`t think it was fair you got to just dump all your feelings and I had to deal w/ the fallout rather than you having a conversation previously. Rather than being guilt trippy I`m being frank and honest because I`m not going to just pretend it was okay for you to do that. and you can apologize but I have the right to say it wasn`t okay, it wasn`t fair.

If you`re terrified I`m not sure why we`re friends then? because if someone makes you feel bad you shouldn`t stay around them: it`s really not healthy. I`ve been putting things bluntly lately because if I were to get extremely emotional the way I do then it would be an extreme mess, and I`m trying to be as level as possible. (that and a lot of my feelings have become blunted in a way, unfortunately). I think it`s rude of you to assume things about my friendship with Shingo who i`ve honestly been friends with for five years so I have no problem saying what I dislike to him to his face. I don`t need to prove it to you either. and yeah I did frame it as betrayal at the starting gate but then I actually Talked to shingo about it to his face and we came to a civil agreement about it. because that`s what communication is about.

I never said you`re not a "real friend" but that it`s more about being honest if you want to form a strong, and true friendship because it`s not based on pretending. because being who you really are is important rather than presenting an agreement at every turn, that`s not how life works. a lie of omission is still a lie to me so honestly this is just my perspective and you can disagree with it as you already have.

I also don`t think it`s very fair to say "you should use your discression as an adult" because as much as I vented to you, you vented right back. Should I have used my discression as an adult to say "well I`m sorry but because you`re so young I can`t give you advice." and furthermore I`m not saying it didn`t go as planned because of you. I never said "this is your fault." I said the progression of the friendship currently makes me feel sad, and I think you`re internalizing it as "all my fault." I never said I was blameless but I`m also not holding back from what I think is wrong here because I`ve stayed silent on hurt feelings before and it gets you nowhere: you have to be honest.

I do agree with you that a lot of boundaries should have been made early on, because I failed to see the age thing as the problem it was. Probably because when I was young I did things with reckless abandon without realizing my age was a factor. and that isn`t justification, but merely my background. properly establishing boundaries from here on is very good and important.
And most of all, that`s unfair of you to turn it on me like I`m the one trying to make a Pretty Argument to put you in a bad light. I`m not trying to weave pretty metaphors, I`m literally just writing how I feel, just like you wrote to me in the first place. It`s rude of you to infer I`m weaving some intricate web and frame you. I`m saying things from my heart with how I feel and I don`t think you should get away with hurting someone`s feelings just because "oh I`m young, I can`t judge" yes you can and you know it. you`re a smart person.
[4:59:02 PM] michi: ok.... not to avoid everything yyou said and run away / avoid but... i tthink it would be for the best of us if this friendship ended here because ii dont think theres much to salvage without lots of resentment / leftover negative feelings... srry for ending things so bluntly or sounding so angry bc i am/ and although it hurts to end a year-long friendship with someone whose company ii enjoyed a llot and someone i looked up to i think it would be best if we just stopped interacting because honestly this isnt healthy for either of us, and i think youd be better off... x__x i'm so sorry

pplease.. take care.
[5:05:43 PM] 百鬼夜行: what I`d like to say and, I mean you don`t have to hear it nor respond if you truly don`t want to

but negativity and resentment just happens. a lot. and that`s why you need to talk about it. if you just hold it in or walk away then that`s when it grows and hurts you. I walked away from a lot of friendships w things unsaid only to have it pop up years later where we had to confront it. and it brought so many regrets.

I don`t think it`s wise to cut things off but again I can`t force you to do anything. I think it would be a shame to end a friendship where we had so much to say, such a good connection (I said it before and I`ll say it again that you`re one of the people I actually really trust) and I wouldn`t be so hurt if you didn`t mean something to me.
[5:16:29 PM] michi: it... might be wise then to give it some time. apart. i'm ssorry this probably comes off like i want to avoid you again bbut XTREME ver but ii just feel like this isn't hhealthy... i'm sorry but for oonce i am 100% standing by my decision. i'll miss you, you know that, but i just can't handle this anymore. i just want tto say that no matter how much we mean to each other its a point where i honestly dont think this friendship is good for me x_x;; and it probably... i don't want to say anything on your behalf but this is for the best. i'm sorry that it probably will hurt. it hurts me too but.
[5:16:32 PM] michi: for now.
[5:16:34 PM] michi: i'm done.
[5:16:44 PM] michi: i'm so sorry
[5:18:38 PM] 百鬼夜行: no matter what, I do respect your decision. I am open to being friends if/when you ever feel like it again. I do treasure the memories of how things were.
[5:20:54 PM] michi: thank you. goodbye and i sincerely hope things go well for you in the future
[5:23:45 PM] 百鬼夜行: I hope the same for you