zerah - part 1

ZERAH
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Zerah goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the Promethean.

NIGHT - NEAR ZERAH'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

Zerah sneaks up behind them and laughs.

ZERAH
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, Prometheans, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

MEN
No!

ZERAH
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Zerah.)

Zerah calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Zerah roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.

ZERAH
This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Grace, who is carrying a True Fae in a cage, Cherry who's carrying Bender, and a Lasombra who is carrying the three little Tzimisce.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

ZORA
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks her rope)

ZORA
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

CHERRY
This alcoholic robot.

BENDER
Hey. Hey I’m not a robot! I’m a real boy! (he chugs a beer)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

BENDER
Hey what are you doin’! Don’t just let ‘em lock me up!

Cherry takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking fox.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little lady.

Zora just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, she's just...she's just a little nervous. She's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, she talks! She does. (pretends to be Zora) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! She can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks the True Fae out of Grace's hands, and her cage drops on Zora's head. She gets sprinkled with fairy dust and she's able to fly.

ZORA
Hey! I can fly!

GRACE
She can fly!

3 LITTLE TZIMISCE
She can fly!

HEAD GUARD
She can talk!

ZORA
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking fox. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a fox fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (she begins to sink to the ground.)

She hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize her! (Zora takes of running.) After her!

GUARDS
She's getting away! Get her! This way! Turn!

Zora keeps running and he eventually runs into Zerah. Literally. Zerah turns around to see who bumped into him. Zora looks scared for a moment then she spots the guards coming up the path. She quickly hides behind Zerah.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Promethean!

ZERAH
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Zahroza I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.


ZERAH
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Zerah laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage.

ZORA
Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

ZERAH
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Zora is gone) me? (he turns back around and Zora is right in front of him.) Whoa!

ZORA
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

ZERAH
Oh, that's great. Really.

ZORA
Man, it's good to be free.

ZERAH
Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


ZORA
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Zerah turns and regards Zora for a moment before roaring very loudly.

ZORA
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Zerah covers her mouth but Zora continues to talk, so Zerah removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

ZERAH
Why are you following me?

ZORA
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith...

ZERAH
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

ZORA
Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

ZERAH
Listen, little fox. Take a look at me. What am I?

ZORA
(looks all the way up at Zerah) Uh ...really tall?

ZERAH
No! I'm an Promethean! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

ZORA
Nope.

ZERAH
Really?

ZORA
Really, really.

ZERAH
Oh.

ZORA
Man, I like you. What's you name?

ZERAH
Uh, Zerah.

ZORA
Zerah? Well, you know what I like about
you, Zerah? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Zerah. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Zerah's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?

ZERAH
That would be my home.

ZORA
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

ZERAH
I like my privacy.

ZORA
You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


ZERAH
Uh, what?

ZORA
Can I stay with you, please?

ZERAH
(sarcastically) Of course!

ZORA
Really?

ZERAH
No.

ZORA
Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while she looks at Zerah) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


ZERAH
Okay! Okay! But one night only.

ZORA
Ah! Thank you! (she runs inside the cottage)


ZERAH
What are you...? (Zora hops up onto a chair.) No! No!

ZORA
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

ZERAH
Oh!

ZORA
Where do, uh, I sleep?

ZERAH
(irritated) Outside!

                                     ZORA
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Zerah slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a fox. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...

ZERAH'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Zerah is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.

ZERAH
(to Zora) I thought I told you to stay outside.

ZORA
(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Zerah turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind hunters on his table.

MIDNIGHT
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?


MARINE
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


RYLIE
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


ZERAH
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

RYLIE
I found some cheese. (bites Zerah's ear)

ZERAH
Ow!

RYLIE
Blah! Awful stuff.

MIDNIGHT
Is that you, Rylie?

RYLIE
How did you know?

ZERAH
Enough! (he grabs the 3 hunters) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Strippers with Luka on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.


SASA
Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

ZERAH
Huh?

Zerah marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. Alois is sitting in the bed. Alois just looks at him.

ALOIS
What?

TIME LAPSE

Zerah now has Alois by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.

ZERAH
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying Promethean! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw Alois out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No!

The 3 Gurahl sit around the fire, the Daughter of Cacophony is playing her pipe and the rats are all running to him, some Tremere are directing flight traffic so that the changelings and mages can land...etc.


ZERAH
What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.)

Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good changelings hide inside a tent.

ZERAH
All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more strippers run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Zora)

ZORA
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

BENDER
Hell, no one invited us.

ZERAH
What?

BENDER
We were forced to come here.

ZERAH
(flabbergasted) By who?

KATARINA
Lord Zahroza. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.


ZERAH
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Zahroza guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

ZORA
Oh, I do. I know where he is.

ZERAH
Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

ZORA
Me! Me!

ZERAH
Anyone?

ZORA
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

ZERAH
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Zahroza right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Zora) You! You're comin' with me.

ZORA
All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Zerah and Zora, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

ZORA
(singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Zerah. I can't wait to get on the road again.

ZERAH
What did I say about singing?

ZORA
Can I whistle?

ZERAH
No.

ZORA
Can I hum it?

ZERAH
All right, hum it.

Zora begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing Anya. He's continually dunking her in a glass of milk. Lord Zahroza walks in.

ZAHROZA
That's enough. She's ready to talk.


Anya is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Zahroza laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


ZAHROZA
(he picks up Anya's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.

ANYA
You are a monster.

ZAHROZA
I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?

ANYA
Eat me! (She spits milk into Zahroza's eye.)

ZAHROZA
I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off Anya’s scarf)


ANYA
No, no, not the scarf. Not my hand-knitted scarf.

ZAHROZA
All right then. Who's hiding them?


ANYA
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

ZAHROZA
The muffin man?

ANYA
The muffin man.

ZAHROZA
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

ANYA
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


ZAHROZA
The muffin man?

ANYA
The muffin man!

ZAHROZA
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

ZAHROZA
Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.

ANYA
(in awe) Ohhhh...

ZAHROZA
Magic mirror...

ANYA
Don't tell him anything! (Zahroza picks her up and dumps her into a trash can with a lid.) No!

ZAHROZA
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


ZAHROZA
Uh, Stan. (Stan holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

ZAHROZA
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her awful father. Please welcome Abby. (shows picture of Abby) Bachelorette number two is a thong-wearing guy from the land of fancy. Although he lives with seven other men, he's not easy. Just kiss his dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire he is. Come on. Give it up for Luka! (shows picture of Luka) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Candy! (Shows picture of Princess Candy) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


ZAHROZA
Three? One? Three?

STAN
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

ZAHROZA
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Zahroza, you've chosen Princess Candy.

ZAHROZA
Princess Candy. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

ZAHROZA
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

ZAHROZA
Silence! I will make this Princess Candy my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Zerah and Zora come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

ZORA
But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


ZERAH
So, that must be Lord Zahroza's castle.


ZORA
Uh-huh. That's the place.

ZERAH
Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Zora doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.)

ZORA
Hey, wait. Wait up, Zerah.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


ZERAH
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Zahroza, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Zerah.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Zerah and Zora look at him then continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

ZERAH
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


ZORA
Hey, look at this!

Zora runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Zora and Zerah's picture.

ZORA
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again)

ZERAH
(grabs Zora's tail and holds her still) No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

ZAHROZA
Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...

As Zerah and Zora walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Zora is humming the DuLoc theme song.

ZERAH
All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

ZORA
Sorry about that.

ZAHROZA
That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Candy from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Zerah) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!

ZERAH
(turns to look at Zora and then back at Zahroza) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a fox.

ZAHROZA
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the Promethean will be named champion! Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

ZERAH
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

ZERAH
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

ZERAH
No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Zerah slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Zerah begins to fight Zora hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Zora manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Zerah kicks butt.

ZORA
Hey, Zerah, tag me! Tag me!

Zerah comes over and bangs a man's head up against Zora’s. Zerah gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

ZERAH
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Zerah, but Zerah turns in time and sees him.

ZED
The chair! Give him the chair!

Zerah smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Zora kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

ZERAH
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Zerah.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

ZAHROZA
No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

ZERAH
What?

ZAHROZA
Congratulations, Promethean. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

ZERAH
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

ZAHROZA
Your swamp?

ZERAH
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

ZAHROZA
Indeed. All right, Promethean. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

ZERAH
Exactly the way it was?

ZAHROZA
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


ZERAH
And the squatters?

ZAHROZA
As good as gone.

ZERAH
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Zora and Zerah are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Zerah is munching on an onion.

ZORA
Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Zahroza will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

ZERAH
You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

ZORA
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that Promethean stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole Promethean trip.

ZERAH
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?


ZORA
Uh, no, not really, no.

ZERAH
For your information, there's a lot more to Prometheans than people think.

ZORA
Example?

ZERAH
Example? Okay, um, Prometheans are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

ZORA
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

ZERAH
Yes - - No!

ZORA
They make you cry?

ZERAH
No!

ZORA
You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

ZERAH
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Prometheans have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off)

ZORA
(trailing after Zerah) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

ZERAH
I don't care... what everyone likes. Prometheans are not like cakes.

ZORA
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

ZERAH
No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Prometheans are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


ZORA
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

ZERAH
You know, I think I preferred your humming.


ZORA
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Zerah trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Zora pees on the fire to put it out.