This one time I was in the middle of the street and I thought I saw a cat but it was definitely not a cat. I think it was a sentient blob of shit, but at the same time I was most definitely tripping balls on something, so it may have just been a hallucination, but either way I was not going to go near a shitcat and start poking and kicking it like I would any other cat. I think it burbled, which, like, cats do that too, but so do sentient blobs of shit, presumably.

Do you ever think about names? I think about names. All the time, names names names. Who invented naming standards? Do you think that in the future, some dude is gonna be hunched over a typewriter just punching all the letters? Some baby is gonna be named Zxqwv. That's really fucked up. I'd beat the shit out of that kid for his stupid name.

I like to think sometimes that I would be a really good witness, but not for, like, the cops or anything. Just the guy doing a crime. Like, there I am, broad daylight, and the sun's shining on this dude getting stabbed by a guy with a moustache bigger than my hands, and the cops run up like "You've been here the whole time, who did it?" and I just start shrugging and I don't stop shrugging until I'm sentenced to prison time for the murder I very clearly did not do. But the moustache guy? He'll still be out there stabbing dudes, and I think that's alright.

I bet the guy who invented pants is pissed that we're not using them right. I bet he wore diapers into his early 30s with nothing else on until someone told him it was socially frowned upon, so the dude made like jeans and sweatpants and corduroys so he could look socially correct but still shit and piss all over his own balls in public without anyone getting mad.

This one time I was in a war, but a lot of people don't talk about it because the war was just between me and this homeless guy in a back alley and we were fighting over a pizza box with a slice and a half of pizza left. Anyway, I'm a veteran now by war standards.

Dogs are kind of like those kids you see sometimes who are totally into doing some cool skateboard tricks, but secretly they also want to bang grandmas and light a whole field of weed on fire and sleep in it. There's probably a dog that wants to bang a grandma out there somewhere. There's most definitely a grandma out there that'd let a dog bang her.

I got arrested for obstruction of justice once because the cops were chasing a guy down and I started a game of freeze tag with them. They kept asking me what I was doing and I was screaming the rules at the top of my lungs the whole time so there's no way they could have misunderstood the game but here I am in jail and they're still out there moving around and fucking cheating.

I wonder how tiny a guy could be. Do you think there's a guy out there who is so tiny that if you tried to step on him, he could live in the cracks of your shoe? That's a really fucking tiny guy. They don't make clothes that tiny so he's probably naked all the time, running around with his tiny dong out, pissing all over molecules and shit. He can see molecules and viruses and stuff because he's so small, but they try to stay away from him because he gets mad and starts beating on them and pissing everywhere, so basically he's immune to every disease too. I love that tiny guy.