light

“I should not have this much power over you.”

I know that.

“Then why do you let me?”

Because I know myself. If I don’t let someone have this kind of power over me, if I take things into my own hands and act for myself, I will break. And then all the devastation will happen all over again.

“Leaving it in your sister’s hands broke you, too.”

Different kind of break, I guess. She was never there. She fucked off to nowhere and left me to deal with all my guilt over ending the fucking world myself. Then she got angry when I wouldn’t do anything she apparently wanted me to do. Not that she communicated what she wanted to me. It was always ‘just fucking get up and do what you’re supposed to, I’ve got to go’. Yeah, well, what was I supposed to do? I had no idea. She made me feel fucking stupid.

She god tiered first, and that made it even worse. Now it was all, this is what has to be. Fuck you, piece of shit. It doesn’t have to be anything. She tried to order me to lay on that bed and do it, knowing full well I hated the very idea. Knowing I didn’t want immortality. Knowing I couldn’t handle being a fucking deity. She knew I wanted to die. She baited me there and brutalized me. And I tried my damnedest to stay off that rock. I did. Tricksy cunt got me on there anyway.

She shouldn’t have been surprised when I couldn’t take it. She shouldn’t have been surprised that I just fucking stopped. I fell apart. I alternated psychotic breaks and catatonia for months. And she blamed me for her having to take on my responsibilities. Said I was being difficult. Yeah, I’m the difficult one, says the one who fucks off for ages and doesn’t tell anyone what she wants. Just expects them to listen to her because she’s the almighty seer. I don’t give one single shit.

And then. And then? She didn’t see the doomed timeline coming. I did, and that’s when I finally fucking snapped. I went back in time, to before I entered. When I said I wanted to kill myself, that’s not what I had in mind, but fuck, I’d take it anyway. That poor cinnamon roll son of a bitch didn’t really deserve to die at the hands of a bitter and crazy shitbag like me. But you know what? It was better for her. She wouldn’t have to suffer like I did.

I fragmented that timeline and I went in alone. If everyone was going to die anyway, it didn’t fucking matter did it? You were gone. My mothers were gone. Everyone on the planet was dead no matter what happened. And when I found out what would happen, the route of the Muse wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to simply die anymore, not with the dream bubbles. I wanted everything to not exist and I’d make it that way by my own hand. Because if nothing else existed, maybe I’d finally be allowed to see oblivion myself.

I know it’s not rational. At that point my mind was so eroded by anguish that I became blind to logic. I completely lost my light. I know I’ve done terrible things.

I killed so many people because of her. I must have laid waste to hundreds of those damn bubbles. So many Horrorterrors died by my hand. And not a single one of them gave me anything less than more anger. I saw a hundred versions of me, a hundred versions of my sister pulling the same goddamn shit because she’s the almighty fucking seer. They knew I was out there. They were scared. They were trying to get those hundred versions of me to do what they wanted.

I guess it figures that the only thing that could snap me out of it was you.

“Why was it me, specifically?”

Because I thought you were lost forever. There must have been a reason it was you. Maybe I wouldn’t have believed it if it was anyone else I lost. When I saw you… it felt real. It felt real in a way nothing else did, at that point. I guess that’s not surprising. If anyone was going to be the Light player, it was going to be you. And reality was something that I desperately needed. And when you came to me, it was like I woke up from sleep walking. My eyes opened to all the terrible things I’d done because of this. The light came back to me.

Maybe that’s why I’ve let you have this kind of power over me. She destroyed me, you brought me back. I feel safe in a way I haven’t in a long time, now. I trust you in a way I can no longer trust her. And I know it’s unhealthy. I really do. Don’t think I’m not aware of that.

“You can recover, you know. And you can fix this. All of this. I’ll help you. Together, we can mend what went so wrong. Would you help me with that?”

Heh. Maybe I can, yeah. Maybe I can make it so that this never happens to her. Smack sense into my piece of shit sister. She can’t see us coming. Because as bitter as I am that any of this happened at all… I know the her that she once was is still in there. And that’s the Anya this session needs, not a distant tyrant and an abuser. Just like the me this session needs is someone confident, someone who’s willing to fight. Not a catatonic pile of broken pieces, and not a destroyer of worlds.

I know the Muse to my Lord is out there somewhere, waiting to strike the final blow. But if I can go even a little way in mending this… then it’ll be worth it when she does come for me. Because if it keeps going like this, the loop will never end. There’s going to be a lot of dead mes out there. I’m so tired of seeing myself die for her shit.

“Then come with me, my love. Come with me, and help me make it right. It’s time to stop fighting.”

I know. God, I know. I’m so tired.

“Shhh. It’s alright now. I’m here. I’m alive. Everyone is alive.”

You’re here. This never has to happen again.

“I want you to know that whatever version of you comes out of this at the end, I will be waiting for her. It may not be the one here in front of me, but it will still be you. It’s alright.”

I’m so sorry.

“Shh… quiet now. I love you.”

...Love you, too.

It’s time to fix this.