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Sheryl Sandberg: End of 30 days

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Jun 3rd, 2015
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  1. Sheryl Sandberg with Dave Goldberg
  2. 26 mins ·
  3.  
  4. Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband—the first thirty days. Judaism calls for a period of intense mourning known as shiva that lasts seven days after a loved one is buried. After shiva, most normal activities can be resumed, but it is the end of sheloshim that marks the completion of religious mourning for a spouse.
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  6. A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: “Let me not die while I am still alive.” I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave. Now I do.
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  8. I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well.
  9.  
  10. But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning.
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  12. And this is why I am writing: to mark the end of sheloshim and to give back some of what others have given to me. While the experience of grief is profoundly personal, the bravery of those who have shared their own experiences has helped pull me through. Some who opened their hearts were my closest friends. Others were total strangers who have shared wisdom and advice publicly. So I am sharing what I have learned in the hope that it helps someone else. In the hope that there can be some meaning from this tragedy.
  13.  
  14. I have lived thirty years in these thirty days. I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser.
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  16. I have gained a more profound understanding of what it is to be a mother, both through the depth of the agony I feel when my children scream and cry and from the connection my mother has to my pain. She has tried to fill the empty space in my bed, holding me each night until I cry myself to sleep. She has fought to hold back her own tears to make room for mine. She has explained to me that the anguish I am feeling is both my own and my children’s, and I understood that she was right as I saw the pain in her own eyes.
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  18. I have learned that I never really knew what to say to others in need. I think I got this all wrong before; I tried to assure people that it would be okay, thinking that hope was the most comforting thing I could offer. A friend of mine with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was “It is going to be okay.” That voice in his head would scream, How do you know it is going to be okay? Do you not understand that I might die? I learned this past month what he was trying to teach me. Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not. When people say to me, “You and your children will find happiness again,” my heart tells me, Yes, I believe that, but I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the truth. Even a simple “How are you?”—almost always asked with the best of intentions—is better replaced with “How are you today?” When I am asked “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am? When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.
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  20. I have learned some practical stuff that matters. Although we now know that Dave died immediately, I didn’t know that in the ambulance. The trip to the hospital was unbearably slow. I still hate every car that did not move to the side, every person who cared more about arriving at their destination a few minutes earlier than making room for us to pass. I have noticed this while driving in many countries and cities. Let’s all move out of the way. Someone’s parent or partner or child might depend on it.
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  22. I have learned how ephemeral everything can feel—and maybe everything is. That whatever rug you are standing on can be pulled right out from under you with absolutely no warning. In the last thirty days, I have heard from too many women who lost a spouse and then had multiple rugs pulled out from under them. Some lack support networks and struggle alone as they face emotional distress and financial insecurity. It seems so wrong to me that we abandon these women and their families when they are in greatest need.
  23.  
  24. I have learned to ask for help—and I have learned how much help I need. Until now, I have been the older sister, the COO, the doer and the planner. I did not plan this, and when it happened, I was not capable of doing much of anything. Those closest to me took over. They planned. They arranged. They told me where to sit and reminded me to eat. They are still doing so much to support me and my children.
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  26. I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalization—realizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word “sorry.” To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanence—remembering that I won’t feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasiveness—this does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy.
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  28. For me, starting the transition back to work has been a savior, a chance to feel useful and connected. But I quickly discovered that even those connections had changed. Many of my co-workers had a look of fear in their eyes as I approached. I knew why—they wanted to help but weren’t sure how. Should I mention it? Should I not mention it? If I mention it, what the hell do I say? I realized that to restore that closeness with my colleagues that has always been so important to me, I needed to let them in. And that meant being more open and vulnerable than I ever wanted to be. I told those I work with most closely that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt. One colleague admitted she’d been driving by my house frequently, not sure if she should come in. Another said he was paralyzed when I was around, worried he might say the wrong thing. Speaking openly replaced the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing. One of my favorite cartoons of all time has an elephant in a room answering the phone, saying, “It’s the elephant.” Once I addressed the elephant, we were able to kick him out of the room.
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  30. At the same time, there are moments when I can’t let people in. I went to Portfolio Night at school where kids show their parents around the classroom to look at their work hung on the walls. So many of the parents—all of whom have been so kind—tried to make eye contact or say something they thought would be comforting. I looked down the entire time so no one could catch my eye for fear of breaking down. I hope they understood.
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  32. I have learned gratitude. Real gratitude for the things I took for granted before—like life. As heartbroken as I am, I look at my children each day and rejoice that they are alive. I appreciate every smile, every hug. I no longer take each day for granted. When a friend told me that he hates birthdays and so he was not celebrating his, I looked at him and said through tears, “Celebrate your birthday, goddammit. You are lucky to have each one.” My next birthday will be depressing as hell, but I am determined to celebrate it in my heart more than I have ever celebrated a birthday before.
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  34. I am truly grateful to the many who have offered their sympathy. A colleague told me that his wife, whom I have never met, decided to show her support by going back to school to get her degree—something she had been putting off for years. Yes! When the circumstances allow, I believe as much as ever in leaning in. And so many men—from those I know well to those I will likely never know—are honoring Dave’s life by spending more time with their families.
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  36. I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds.
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  38. I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave. I want option A.” He put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”
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  40. Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave.
  41. Sheryl Sandberg's photo.
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  45. Most Relevant
  46. Ketaki Deo, Gaurav Malhotra, Arianna Huffington and 6,855 others like this.
  47. 621 shares
  48. Kartik Sura
  49. Write a comment...
  50.  
  51. Adam M. Grant Thank you, Sheryl, for having the courage to share your experiences so openly. It’s truly inspiring that even in the darkest moments, you are still bringing light to others.
  52. Like · Reply · 138 · 25 mins
  53. Caryn Marooney Thank you !!!! We love you!!!
  54. Like · Reply · 6 · 23 mins
  55. Jonathan Ehrlich Here's to kicking the shit out of option B. Here's to love. You're amazing and we love you, Sheryl.
  56. Like · Reply · 6 · 13 mins
  57. Alissia Miller-kofman This is beautiful. I read it with my heart as its courageous inspiration and sentiment far exceed my minds capability.
  58. Like · Reply · 5 · 13 mins
  59. Robert Scoble Now you have me crying. Thank you for sharing so wonderfully. This is easily the best post of the year. Kick the shit out of option B. Love you and your leadership in showing us how to live.
  60. Like · Reply · 44 · 21 mins
  61. Laura Buchbinder Clein Sending heart emoticon shaped blessings filled all ways with PEACE&LOVE&LIGHT
  62. Like · Reply · 9 mins
  63. Dan Kaplan You clearly have a bond that will never be broken. May G-d bless you and your family.
  64. Like · Reply · 7 mins
  65. Sandhya Devanathan This just made me incredibly sad for your loss all over again. I can't even begin to imagine the depth of your loss. But this post also makes me hopeful. For the choices you are making for you and your family. You are one brave woman, Sheryl. Dave would be very proud. Wish you much resilience in these coming months.
  66. Like · Reply · 3 · 19 mins
  67. Avraham Berkowitz These deeply meaningful words will be read and re-read. Your words strengthen, comfort and give perspective to what is most precious in life. May Daves memory be a blessing and inspiration that lives on forever.
  68. Like · Reply · 1 · 11 mins
  69. Kathi Kruse Simply beautiful. Having lost my beloved husband suddenly quite a few years ago, you've said everything I would've wanted to say. Peace be with you, Sheryl, in each and every moment.
  70. Like · Reply · 2 · 12 mins
  71. Kalah King I could not make it through this, reminds me too much of my own pain. You are wonderful , Thank you for sharing your heart.
  72. Like · Reply · 1 · 18 mins
  73. Carmel Manion Such beautiful words you made me cry
  74. Like · Reply · 9 mins
  75. Nancy Greenwald Crying in my office reading these words.
  76. Like · Reply · 5 · 19 mins
  77. Ricardo Sousa I think I speak for many when I say that our strength is with you these days. And thanks for sharing these experiences and feelings with us. Even in the darkest times we can still learn and get inspired by you two. Dave was a great man and will be remembered as such by everyone but specially by you. Take care.
  78. Like · Reply · 2 · 23 mins
  79. Giuliana Giuliano the love never ever ends and although his physical body is gone..his spirit is with you.. so while you kick the shit out of option B.. remember A is with you all in spirit.. learn the signs he is giving you and live your life as the amazing beautiful articulate smart woman warrior you ARE.. heart emoticon much love.
  80. Like · Reply · 1 · 20 mins
  81. Cherie Baker Vann you are one bitchen lady xoxooxx
  82. Like · Reply · 1 · 18 mins
  83. Yolanda Michelle Hairston
  84. ז״ל - May his memory be a blessing.
  85. Like · Reply · 1 · 18 mins
  86. Catherine Anderson Blessings. You are very strong!
  87. Like · Reply · 1 · 24 mins
  88. Sue Abraham Valencia Sheryl, I don't know you but I know of you through my son who works at FB. I read every word of your post and it speaks volumes. Bless you for sharing your thoughts and how you are handling this curve life has thrown you. I am certain you are helping many people and keeping the legacy of your husband alive in the process. My thoughts are with you.
  89. Like · Reply · 1 · 14 mins
  90. Agnes Rygula You're an amazing inspiration.
  91. Like · Reply · 1 · 22 mins
  92. Katherine Weiss You are loved and give so much.
  93. Like · Reply · 1 · 19 mins
  94. Nikita Ojha More power to you. You are a great inspiration!
  95. Like · Reply · 1 · 21 mins
  96. Mehr Manzoor God bless u
  97. Like · Reply · 1 · 24 mins
  98. Jaia Pouran You're truly inspiring! Stay strong!
  99. Like · Reply · 1 · 20 mins
  100. Barry Orlow God Bless, Sheryl. You always have been and continue to be an incredible inspiration.
  101. Like · Reply · 1 · 18 mins
  102. Giuseppe Guerra This is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing your words with the whole world, it makes everyone of us a little sadder and a little stronger at the same time.
  103. Like · Reply · 1 · 20 mins
  104. Thea Dietrick after I read #LeanIn, I knew you were an incredible human and an amazing role model. I now know you are an incredibly remarkable woman and mother. you inspire me to grow, be better and work harder in life- for everything. not just my career, but my personal life as well. loving you and sending you the warmest vibes. you are my hero, Sheryl.
  105. Like · Reply · 1 · 15 mins
  106. Mendel Gurevitch Sheryl, once the Shloshim (30 days from the passing of a loved one passes), the healing starts to trickle in slowly, although the pain does not subside and the love will NEVER diminish, however, the endurance of the survivor must remain strong and the loved one who passed lives within those he loved. Sheryl, I sincerely wish you and yours' no more pain.
  107. Like · Reply · 1 · 19 mins
  108. Maria Isabel Camacho-Santos
  109. Maria Isabel Camacho-Santos's photo.
  110. Like · Reply · 12 mins
  111. Ashu Gujjar I am with you and my wishes with you
  112. Like · Reply · 24 mins
  113. Wayne Lucas Wonderfully written. God bless Dave and yourself x
  114. Like · Reply · 12 mins
  115. Nancy Plaza Beautifully put....
  116. Like · Reply · 10 mins
  117. David Cohen You will probably never see this because you get thousands of comments on even the most humdrum posts, and this is far from a humdrum post, but here goes anyway: This is one of the most touching things I have ever read, and I thank you for it. There have been a lot of losses in recent weeks and months among my circle of friends, and these are important words. Stay strong. I know you will.
  118. Like · Reply · 11 mins
  119. Darren Mason Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable Sheryl! There is wisdom here for all of us. Thank you very much!
  120. Like · Reply · 9 mins
  121. Raquel Alvarenga All my respect to you, Sheryl!
  122. Like · Reply · 14 mins
  123. Siddhant Sharma the love never ever ends and although his physical body is gone..his spirit is with you.. so while you kick the shit out of option B.. remember A is with you all in spirit.. learn the signs he is giving you and live your life as the amazing beautiful articulate smart woman warrior you ARE.. much love.
  124. Like · Reply · 16 mins
  125. Michaela Pickersgill Bless you Sheryl such beautiful powerful words straight from the heart when we loose someone no one knows what to say in case they say the wrong thing in the last two years my mums faced breast cancer then we lost my dad so suddenly he died two days a...See More
  126. Like · Reply · 12 mins
  127. Swarna Shanmugalingam "Let me not die while I am still alive." Nice Sheryl.Sweet moments.
  128. Like · Reply · 7 mins
  129. Alma Lorena Guerrero heart emoticon beutiful, peace be with you
  130. Like · Reply · 12 mins
  131. Skyler Vander Molen This was beautiful. Thank you being so open and sharing this.
  132. Like · Reply · 8 mins
  133. Teresa Matthews-Skelley Sheryl..Thank you..I have lost loved ones and I could not have put this in any better way but I feel the same..Thank yo..for the courage it took to open your soul to all of us that grieve for and with you..Honesty bears strength an integrity..My wish f...See More
  134. Like · Reply · 8 mins · Edited
  135. Michelle Jaffee Thank you for this beautiful post. heart emoticon
  136. Like · Reply · 11 mins
  137. Yeniva Sisay-Sogbeh Thank you thank you from women all around the world. You continue to inspire through your bravery!! God bless
  138. Like · Reply · 14 mins
  139. Audrey Bonneville Thank you for being so open and sharing this terribly difficult time with the world. You are more than ever an inspiring leader for all of us.
  140. Like · Reply · 11 mins
  141. Tatiana Grace Simonian Nanea Reeves So interesting, you and Sheryl on the same path of grief (loss of husband) with same point of view (don't give into void) in similar work positions (tech COOs). And you knew Dave. Such a truly small world.
  142. Like · Reply · 16 mins
  143. Muhammad Owais Siddiqui Stay Blessed
  144. Like · Reply · 7 mins
  145. David Hanna Your words are truly remarkable and have deeply touched my heart. Forever, may you be blessed!!
  146. Like · Reply · 10 mins
  147. Jo Faloona Wow! What an amazing woman you are and what wise words you shared with so many who need to hear them xx.
  148. Like · Reply · 11 mins
  149. Nayyer Yaqoob Sad but you will feel the loss of your companion for quite sometime
  150. Like · Reply · 11 mins
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