Shiori – Sleepless Night


It was cold.
As the powerful wind outside batted against the windows in my room, I found myself not feeling sleepy at all.
I was thinking about whether I should read a book, but strolling over to Quinn’s particular stack of ancient tomes seemed like a hassle, not to mention how difficult it’d be to read in the dark. The other thing that crossed my mind was eating something, but I knew that would only result on a stomachache later in the morning.
As I had nothing better to do, I got to thinking.
The mission might have been a failure, but it’s not like I’m a perfectionist. While failure is expected if one doesn’t prepare oneself enough, it also happens when one has made every preparation possible. Just like it’s possible for others to fail, it’s also possible for me to fail as well, it’s obvious.
So if I can forgive others for their errors, I shouldn’t be so unforgiving to myself. Yet here I am, feeling angry and confused. Even if my teammates have said ‘it can’t be helped’, sometimes I can’t forgive myself. I can’t do anything but be angry at my own failure.
Why is that?
As I got up and carefully opened the door to take a walk outside the Guild, I remembered my conversation with Riki in the cafeteria after the mission:
“Oh, c’mon Shio, if you think about it, it’s no big deal! You should probably stop worrying so much.”
“I’m not worrying... and it’s not like I want to hear such a common reasoning,” I muttered half-heartedly, not bothering to make eye contact.
Riki made a soft grunting noise as he crossed his arms and forced a comical pout upon his face. Even though he was probably doing it to make me lighten up, it wasn’t working at all.
“… Look, Shio. I don’t know you that much, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this angry, no matter whether you failed or succeeded, and no matter whether you were a perfectionist or not.”
“Hm? Is that so?” His words had for once managed to interest me, so I stretched myself forward over the table and asked: “Then why am I angry?”
“Aha, well, you see… Actually, I’m an idiot!” He grinned proudly. “So there’s no way I could explain something like this.”
“Ah, that’s right, you only know a lot of useless terms, huh?” I retorted weakly with sarcasm.
“Yeah, yeah! Like, ‘silent but deadly’, ‘the calm before the storm’… No, no, that’s not the point.” He grinned with his teeth nervously, setting both his claws on the table. “Shio...! I don’t think you’re frustrated with the result of the mission, nor are you angry about yourselfª! You are not ‘perfect’, nor are you ‘correct’!”
I raised an eyebrow.
“... D-Don’t get angry now! I haven’t even started explaining yet!”
I didn’t think I was making an angry face, but I merely sighed and nodded as a signal for Riki to keep going and stop worrying. He seemed to appreciate this gesture, as a small smile showed on his face.
“You see... Shio, you’re a great person.” He said this so bluntly that I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. “You’re calm, hardworking, and sometimes too hard on yourself for your failures. You don’t like to get too close to anyone, but you’re always nice and ready to help, and you hold a sense of justice that even I’m envious of.”
“W-Wait wait, what’s the point of this anyway?!” I managed to interrupt him, feeling my face light up with a fierce blush. Just how can this Sandshrew say such embarrassing things without batting an eye?
“What I’m trying to say is that... you should stop thinking so much about the reason. Many would say you were wrong, and others would say you were right. Some may say you worked hard and others that you didn't hard enough. But that's just them, and you're yourself, y'know? It really doesn’t matter as much as you think. A mistake doesn't change all of your hard work. Like... you're just living your youth like all of us, yeah?"
How can he give such a genuine smile to something as cheesy as that?
“... I see.”
Such a simplistic way of thinking wasn’t fitting for someone like me at all, so I hid my disappointment with a slight, understanding nod. It’s probably selfish of me, but I really cannot help it.
At that point I had grown a little irritated by the conversation, so the topic quickly shifted gears. It wasn’t that talking to Riki wasn’t enjoyable every once in a while, but I didn’t like conversations involving myself that much, honestly.
Maybe Riki was half right, though; what was important right now was that I couldn’t sleep since I was pissed off, and I had to fix that. Seriously, even though I was sure I double-checked… how could I overlook something like that…?
No, no, that’s not it. I just need to calm down. Stop thinking.
By the time I was telling myself this, I had already crossed the back entrance of the windmill, and I couldn’t help but sigh at the sight of the large fields stretching as far as the horizon blanketed under the dark night.
Big brother used to say, ‘at times when the mind is going at full throttle, the best way to calm down is to do the same to the body’.
I quickly took off in a sprint through the grasslands, not bothering to look back even once.