how to like other women

How to Like Other Women

a guide for queer or straight women who have historically had problems
making friends with other women.

Here are a few things I've learned about making friends, some of which generalize to any gender, but that I have found especially important to
keep in mind with women because of how we are socially groomed to compete
with each other and how many failure modes of supporting each other there
are -- particularly in male-dominated fields/industries where we already
feel unsupported and left out, and where we're often told we're "not like
other women."

I love the tweets I've seen that respond to that statement with "fuck you,
what's wrong with other women? I like other women!" ...but I've
historically had problems making that assertion really true in the sense of
feeling that I *relate* to other women. Finding feminism for me was the act
of putting aside the hurt from what I had felt as betrayals and recognizing
that perpetuating those same distrustful behaviors was counterproductive,
especially as I and the women my age are growing up and finding more and
more that we have to lean on each other to have any chance of support or
encouragement.

So here is a list. Some of the things are things I've failed at personally
and some are things I've suffered from others failing. None of this damage
is necessary. We can and should take better care of each other.


1: Don't make disparaging comments about your own body or eating habits (or
anyone else's). The ethics of food and exercise are a huge and varied
topic, but unless you can do it without imposing moral judgments on
people's bodies, just don't go there.

2: Make room for each other's thoughts in conversation. This doesn't mean
you have to always shut up and listen, but make it clear that you're
interested in really listening and participating in her thoughts.
Especially when there are aggressive dudes around, one way to do this is to
ally with one another: if a dude interrupts a gal, don't turn away from her
-- make it clear you want her to finish her thought. Or later in the
conversation, say "I wanted to hear the rest of what ___ was saying."

3: Make a point of keeping up with the parts of each others' lives that are
meaningful to you. For a lot of women I know this means
professional/academic endeavors, but it could also mean an athletic
activity or family. It's easier if you have priorities in common, but even
if not, make a clear effort to know what's important to the women in your
life and ask them about it regularly. Have the context such that they can
share successes and failures with you and that will actually be meaningful,
and you can provide meaningful support.

4: Make it a goal for your day to pass the Bechdel test on a regular basis.

5: If you are attracted to other women: note this does not give you a free
pass for objectification. It can seem like a useful way to achieve a sense
of belonging in a male-dominated group is to bond with your shared
attraction of women, but note that *bonding over shared attraction* is
fundamentally about the people "bonding" and not about the object (object!)
of attraction, and it's fucked up that this act of objectification should
be part of your social fiber! It is most definitely not a way to establish
trust with women.

6: If you are attracted to men, note that some of your friends who are
women might not be, or might not be exclusively, and discussing "hot guys"
might not be the most inclusive topic of conversation, either. Like, it
might seem like a valid response to point 5 is to pointedly turn the
conversation toward attraction to men, but unless you have the established
shared context with other women at the table that this is something they'd
gleefully participate in, well, it's not the best way to gain gleeful
participation.

6: If you are attracted to men, you might be attracted to one that a woman
in your social circle is dating. Maybe you know her *through* the
man she's dating, as is commonly the case as women in male-dominated fields
Basic advice: for fuck's sake don't be an asshole. Unless the couple is
*explicitly* open/poly (which is another situation about which entire
essays could be and have been written, and the same basic principles of
"treat her like a human with feelings" still apply), you tag the dude as
off limits and move on. Maybe you are never going to be total besties with
this lady but you had better at least be kind to her.

Also, probably don't date your good friend's ex unless you've talked to her
about it and made REALLY SURE she's cool with it.

7: Don't say negative things about them behind their backs. If the negative
thing you're tempted to say is somehow related to a violation of one of
these points, maybe bring it up with her privately. Or at the very least
frame it as "I feel hurt that she __" rather than "she's a bitch because
__".

8: While we're at it, eradicate the misogynist slur "bitch" from your
vocabulary. "Asshole" and "jerk" are gender neutral.

9: All this said, once you've developed a context for it, banter and fun-making
and name-calling can totally be on the table and part of your repertoire.
Your friends are not delicate flowers that can't take a joke. They just
need to know they can trust you not to behave like an asshole.