“To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own.”
― Abraham Lincoln
“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Albert Einstein
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
― Winston S. Churchill
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir
“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
“Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”
― Stephanie Lennox, I Don't Remember You
“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”
― Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth
“Do you want a cookie?
- What?
- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?
- No.
- How can you not want a cookie?
- I just don't.
- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?
- I'd eat a cookie?
- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.
- What are you saying?
- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.
- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a
cookie?
- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.
- And you don't think that's fair.
- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.
- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so
much.
- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,
you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you
said, it's not fair.
- So what are you going to do?
- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair
to ten-year-olds.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?”
― Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”
― Isaac Asimov
“Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time." [...]
"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session."
"Oh yeah?" I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then."
"It's always a good a time to think about you naked," added someone nearby, breaking the tension further.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.”
― Jess C. Scott, The Intern
“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings
“I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!”
― C. JoyBell C.
“Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.”
― John Green
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
― Steven Wright
“Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.”
― Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls’ Dance
“My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“We were kissing.
I thought: This is good.
I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.
I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.
Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose," she said, and laughed”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
― Henny Youngman
Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much."
"Dick. That's not what you said last night."
"Bite me.”
― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin
“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
“Take off your shirt."
Jace raised his eyebrows.
"I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning."
"Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
― Woody Allen
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”
― Marian Keyes, Watermelon
“I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.”
― Rachel Vincent, Stray
“And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels