Anon: Vampony Hunter! The Good Life (1/2)

>Day The Good Life in Equestria

>You are Anon: Vampire Hunter!
>And right now the rhythmic sound of nails being driven into wooden shingles echoes in your ears.
>-Tap, tap, tap-
>-Tap, tap, tap-
>You’ve always liked that sound.
>It means work is getting done and that’s a good feeling.
>Since being stranded in Equestria you have had to fall back on your secondary profession as a carpenter to support yourself.
>And that is fine because almost all the houses and buildings in your adopted town of Ponyville are made of wood so you haven’t exactly been hurting for work.
>You even have an assistant!
>Speaking of which…
“Hey Nel, fly me up some more shingles would you?”
>“Sure.” chirps a voice from the ground. “How many?”
“Uhh, about a dozen.”
>You hear the sound of planks being stacked and then flapping as she lifts them up onto the roof where you work.
“Man, those wings are pretty handy.” you remark as Carnelian sets the wood close by.
>“They are, aren’t they?” She grins and stretches her bat-wings as though showing them off to a crowd of admirers.
>That gets the gears in your head whirring and a question takes shape.
“I’ve been wondering this for a while. Why do bat ponies have bat wings? For that matter, why do you drink blood? That seems so different from all the other pony types in Equestria.”
>Your assistant pauses in her preening and gives you a blank look.
>Then she gets a broad smile and flits over to where you are crouched.
>“Do you really want to know?”
“Of course, I love learning about that kind of stuff! And, no offence, but every time I try to study Equestrian history I always find it a little confusing.”
>That is an understatement.
>From what little you have learned of this world it seems as though much of its past is wrapped in a heavy cloak of legend and mythology.
>The thing is, there are at least three beings that have supposedly lived through all of those mysterious ages.
>The problem is that they aren’t exactly forthcoming with the details.
>Discord loves to talk, but he’s a sociopath of the highest order and you wouldn’t trust anything he has to say.
>Ever.
>Princess Celestia is probably the most reliable of the three to have her facts straight but she plays life like a professional gambler plays poker; keeping everything real close to the vest.
>You even called her Princess Mysteria once.
>Unfortunately Twilight Sparkle was nearby at the time and it’s only by sheer luck that you escaped her turning you into a rutabaga.
>Well, luck and a timely warning from her erstwhile assistant.
>Man, that’s another thing you owe Spike for.
>Finally there is Princess Luna.
>You actually like her a lot.
>The Princess of the Night is always looking out for her subjects and has this antiquated sense of honor and decorum that really speaks to you.
>But you’re also pretty sure she’s not completely sane.
>Not that you hold that against her.
>After all, for someone who spent a thousand years in isolation on the moon, she’s actually far more well-adjusted that one would expect.
>Talking about the past, though, is probably not the best way to stay on her good side.
>You recall Spike telling you about the time that Twilight and her friends went drinking with Luna.
>Turns out the Princess of the Moon gets a little… maudlin when she’s drunk.
>After stumbling back to the library after one too many, Spike had to listen to Luna’s bawling all night about the many mistakes she had made over the years.
>Apparently the worst part was when she started talking about all her past lovers.
>Poor Spike.
>In any case, you hope that Carnelian can give you a little historical insight.
>“Alright, let me tell you all about where my people came from.”
>Your assistant draws herself up like a college professor about to deliver a lecture and gives a small cough to clear her throat.
>“Ah-hem. Long ago, when the ancient gods held sway over this world, mortal ponies were at their mercy and had to pay them tribute.
>Not only that but the gods would play tricks on mortal ponies, inflicting monsters and challenges just for their own amusement.
>It was a dark time when cruelty and despair roamed the land.
>But then, one day, hope came to the world.
>A hero arrived and his name was Baticles!”
“Baticles? Really?”
>She looks at you a little surprised. “Have you heard of him?”
“Oh no. Not at all, please continue.”
>“Right, well. Where was I? Oh yes, Baticles!
>See, he was no ordinary pony.
>He was born of a mortal pegasus mare but his father was none other than the King of the Gods!”
“Do tell.”
>“Yep! His mother was the most beautiful pegasus princess in all of ancient Pegasopolis.
>The King of the Gods looked upon her and found her to his liking.
>But her father was super protective, so the King of the Gods chose to transform himself into a bat.
>He snuck in under the cover of darkness and slipped through all the guards and traps and stuff.
>Then he wooed the princess and that’s how Baticles was born.
>Baticles had a strength the world had never seen, and stealth and cunning that allowed him to do all kinds of stuff.
>But his greatest strength was the kind and heroic heart that he inherited from his mortal mother.
>Oh, and he also had bat wings and fangs and stuff ‘cause the King of the Gods showed up as a bat.”
“So did Baticles go around helping the common ponies and performing mighty deeds?”
>“You bet he did!
>He did all kinds of stuff like defeating Hydrator the father of all hydras and recovering the legendary Golden Mango.
>He even wrestled the Cerberus and dragged it back to Tartarus when it escaped one time!”
>As you listen to Carnelian’s tale you fight back the urge to groan.
Instead you snark, “And did he have a jealous step mother who was always tormenting him because he was the living proof of the King of the God’s infidelity?”
>“Wow! How did you know? Yah, the mean old Queen of the Gods, Haira, was always messing with him.
>In fact she was the one who cursed him to crave blood. That was a sad issu- I mean story.”
“So how does this tie-in to where the rest of the bat ponies came from?”
>“Well,” she smirks a little, “Baticles rescued a lot of beautiful mares on his many adventures and they were all very grateful. You figure it out.”
“But I thought you ponies were monogamous. Does a hero really sleep around like that?”
>“Well, Baticles was raised in ancient Pegasopolis. He wasn’t bound by modern Celestian values.”
>You stare at you friend.
>She returns your look as though challenging your skepticism.
>You can’t help but feel that everything about this story is suspect.
>On the one hand, there really are hydras and three headed guardians of the underworld here in Equestria.
>On the other hand, Baticles?
>Then again, you find it hard to believe that Carnelian could make up such a story on the spot.
>But really, Baticles?
“Carnelian,” you stare deep into you assistant’s eyes, “is what you just told me true?”
>She meets you gaze for several moments, neither of you blinking.
>Then she snickers.
>“No! Keee-kee-ke-ke-ke-ke-ke-kee!”
>She falls over and starts rolling around with uncontrolled mirth.
>You should have known, really you should have.
>After a bit more laughter she finally collects herself and gives you an insufferably smug look.
>“But you gotta admit I had you going there for a minute, eh?”
“I admit nothing. Where did you even hear that story?”
>“Oh, it was an old comic book I used to read as a filly. ‘The Legendary Legends of Baticles: Bat Prince of Power!’ It was awesome!”
“I’m sure it was.”
>The parallels between this world and your own never cease to amaze you.
>How in the world did an ancient Greek myth ends up in a comic book on a planet of talking magical ponies?
>Just thinking about it makes your head hurt.
“So, do you really know where bat ponies came from or not?”
>“Nope. No idea. There’s all kinds of legends about our wings and stuff being a blessing from the moon, but no pony really knows for sure.”
“Huh, well that’s to-”
>You are suddenly interrupted by another pony calling out from the street down below.
>“Oh, Carnelian! Yoo-hoo! Are you up there darling?”
>You both look over the edge of the roof to see Ponyville’s most fashionable resident, Rarity.
>“Ah, there you are my dear. May I have a moment of your time?”
>Your assistant flutters to the ground and makes her way over towards the marshmallowy maven.
>Their conversation is too low to hear but you have a pretty good idea what it’s about.
>When you first met Rarity, you didn’t really like her.
>Her personality just rubbed you the wrong way.
>But, seeing as how she was the only tailor in town who was willing to take up the challenge of making clothes for a human, you ended up spending quite a bit of time around her.
>Fortunately for your sanity it turned out that Rarity wasn’t nearly as annoying as her public persona would have led you to believe.
>And seeing as how you ordered way more garments from her than any other creature in town you had even managed to establish a somewhat cordial relationship with her.
>You look down at the two mares and see the unicorn levitate a small envelope out of her bag and give it to the bat pony.
>They talk for a little while longer, then Rarity makes her farewells and heads off towards her boutique.
>Carnelian flits back up onto the roof with a bemused look on her face.
“Well?”
>“She wants to have me over for tea tomorrow. She wants to discuss a co-commission!”
“That’s great isn’t it? You’ve been working on a couple of pieces you can show her, right?”
>“Sure I guess. But how did she even… Did you have something to do with this, Anon?”
“Weeelllll, you remember that nifty crucifix you made me as a thank you present?”
>“Yah.”
“I might have been wearing it while Rarity was fitting me for a new shirt.
And when she asked where I got such a ‘charming silver pendant’ I might have mentioned that you made it for me in your spare time.
And when we got to talking about your talents as a jewelry maker, I might have let slip how you were looking to establish yourself as a craftsman, excuses me, craftspony here in Ponyville.”
>You look back at your assistant just in time to see her swoop in for a hug.
>“Thankyouthakyouthankyou! Oh, this is the best!”
>She starts to flap her wings nervously.
>“I’ve got to get my pieces ready to show her. I gotta get something to take to tea tomorrow. Do you think I should bake something?”
“Um, do you remember the last time you tried to use the stove?”
>Her face blanches. “Yah, your right. I’ll just buy something at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow.”
“Probably a wise decision.”
>You both wrap up the job at hand while Carnelian goes on about what this could for do her rep in Ponyville and beyond.
>Apparently crafts from bat pony artisans aren’t widely recognized in Equestria; whether from isolation or just good old fashion discrimination you aren’t sure.
>As you head home you give your friend some advice about tomorrow’s negotiations.
“If she commissions you for a job, whatever you do, get her to pay for the materials up front.”
>“Oh?”
“Yep, because if I know Rarity, whatever she asks you to make will either have to be in gold or platinum.”
>“But Anon, I’ve never worked with platinum before."
“Well, I’m pretty sure the Princess has some books on metallurgy at the library. Do you think that you’re smart enough to work it out if we get you the right book?”
>“Um, sure I guess so.”
“Then let me give you a bit of advice that my grandpa Anonymous gave me when I was but a lad.
If you have the opportunity to take a job but it’s not exactly something you’ve ever done before, then you look that person in the eye and say, ‘Sure I can do that.’
And then you get busy and figure how to do it.”
>Your companion looks up at you.
>“And is that what you do?
“Absolutely.”
>She shakes her head. “That explains so much about you.”
“I’ll choose to take that as a complement.”
>“Heh. I have to admit, I’m a bit nervous about tomorrow.
>It’ll be her and Fluttershy and some other pony named Hoity Toity.
>I’ve never been to a proper tea before.
>I just don’t want to look like an idiot.”
“Is that what’s bugging you? Don’t worry about it. Tomorrow we’ll swing by the library and have Spike give you a crash course on tea etiquette.”
>“Spike? Does he know about that kind of stuff?”
“Are you kidding? He probably learned about it from Princess Celestia herself. He’s quite the renaissance dragon, y’know.”
>“Sure, whatever that means. I just hope everything goes okay.”
“Eh, it’s just tea. What can go wrong?”

To be continued…