Farwell From X

When Arron Schwartz took his own life, I often wondered - in the days and hours prior to his death did he reach out to anyone around him?  Either directly or indirectly?  As the moment of my own death draws ever nearer I have my answer. He could have, and it would not have mattered because people do not listen. They hear what they want to hear, and they hate to have their lives interrupted with someone else's sudden needs.

In the past several days as my physical illness and the agony of it combined with the complete isolation and despair which has become my life these past few months grew unbearable, I began to see a merciful suicide as the only hope and the only release. Some will say I suffered mental illness at the end as well, and I surely would not deny this - I certainly seem to be in the depths of a hellish illness that tears at both my body and mind.

In three days, I have reached out to three people close to me and straight out told them I intended to end my life.  Two of these "friends" were too busy to do anything. A third actually asked if he could have the passwords to all the old PLF sites and resources before I ended it. At one point I offered one friend to postpone for a couple of days my decision if he would drop off at my place some cigarettes and pain relievers. Again, this person was to busy. The cost of a brothers life today is apparently less than a bottle of tylenol and a pack of smokes.

When the lives of others are that cheap, when no on can be bothered to hear the cries of those of us in anguish who need our friends and family - then the loss of people like myself and Arron Schwartz should be expected. Based on my experience these past few days I believe Arron DID reach out. Maybe he was not as direct as I was, maybe he was. I do not know if he blamed those who could have helped but didn't. I actually do blame those I told. In my 5 decades on this planet I never, ever ignored a plea for help from a stranger much less a dear friend. To do so is so insanely negligent, heartless and cruel there really are no words. All I wanted was to not die alone. Instead I will die alone, terrified and alone. I now know how Arron felt near the end.

So, farewell. I have no kind words to make you all feel better about yourselves. Any loss you feel over my death you need to look to your own action or inaction to weigh what you could have done. For the three men whom I told, shame on you. Shame on you for your callousness. You were my brothers, my friends. I trusted you. I reached out to you and I begged you for help and you turned your back on me. Know that because of you, I died terrified and alone and in anguish. You know who you are, and I hope you bear the guilt of what you have done to the end of your days.