AiE: Celebration

I don’t know how or why, but I’ve hit 15k paste hits [spoiler]WHY.[/spoiler] and here’s a little short to celebrate.  I [spoiler]LOVE[/spoiler] you all, thank you for reading.

I hope it’s a fun ride because it’ll never end.  Now without further ado, here’s…

Anon in Equestria:  This Celebration Wasn’t Meant to Be

“Hey Anon, you coming to the St. Patty’s day work party this evening?”
>your coworker Rob was a cheery, fat fellow
>he waddles behind you through the boring, homogenously colored hallways that are the mark the middle American office building
“I don’t know man, I might just stay in.  I’m bushed after the damned audit today.  Do you know how late I stayed up to square out all the sales reports?”
>you turned to the copy machine and set it to collate, grabbing a cone of chilled water
>such was your life
>and such it had been for ten years
>a nine to five, a half decent apartment
>maybe you’d get a cat and sneak it past the landlord
“Come on, it’ll be fun,”
“I don’t know…  I have that box over at HR to file and the printer rep is going to be here tomorrow…”
>Rob shrugs, filling his comically small water cone once more
“Oh well, I’ll have one for you.  Take care, Anon,”
“Rob…  Actually…  Oh what the hell.  Lead the way, dude,”
>as he gives you a hearty slap on the back, you can’t help but smile and walk with your friend towards the local pub
>you catch a mortified look on his face as you both enter the bar
>inside, it’s already getting crazy
>drinks are already flying, the music was deafening and the bouncers were having a hard time keeping people from dancing on the tables
>you order a few pints of cheap stuff, leaning over the counter to hear a red-faced, unsteady old barman’s words
“So’s I says to ‘im – “I’m ‘onored but I’d rather not fock yer mum agin’, I ain’t called her back last time!” roars the Irish barkeeper
>he’s drunker than you are, for fuck’s sake
>you almost laugh off your stool and Rob barely hangs on
>Rob would talk about this guy at work, but you had to admit it
>this legendary barkeep was better in person
“Oh shit, man.  Tell us another one of your nights out to a your parent-teacher meeting,” he asks, after recovering
>but then the lights flicker and the music cuts out
>groans are heard throughout the bar
“Ey wat’s tha’ big deal o’er dere?”  yells the barkeeper
>you turn around to face the cliché old vinyl player but it seems to just be missing
>like someone stole it in the middle of the crowded bar
>a full size Jukebox
“Now wat in Sam’ hell fockin’ Mary’s goin on ‘ere?” he continues
>light floods the building
>you turn to see daylight where the front bar wall would be
>the lights flicker off and on again, and instantly, everything is back as it was
>jukebox
>wall
>music was still on
“What just happened?” you ask
>Rob hasn’t said a word
>he looks pale and is sweating profusely
“Aye….  Aye donno there, fella.  Must’a been some focking leprechauns fockin’ wit us,”
>he doesn’t sound convinced
“Rob, buddy, you okay?”
>he looks around nervously, looking at the lights, the machine, the wall, the barkeep
>darting to you a few times before replying
“Oh yeah, everything’s fine…  Weirded out, but fine I guess,”
>slowly, the regular ruckus rumbles back to its original level
>more alcohol is consumed and the lubricated Irish mood spreads around like wildfire
“Come on Anon, she’s checking you out man.  Just go talk to her,” eggs on Rob
>to be honest, you felt like wingman’ing this one and getting Rob some attention
>he keeps being a buddy even if you’re never really any fun
>hell, this is the first time in like six or seven years that you’ve been out to a bar
“Rob, why don’t you go talk to her?  To be honest, I think she’s cross-eyed, looks like she’s been checking us both out.  I can’t tell who’s she lookin’ at,” you slur
>might be cheap beer, but it was Irish, wasn’t watered down and did in fact, pack a bit of a punch to someone like you
>who hasn’t had any alcohol since…
>high school?
>you don’t even remember
“Yanno Anon, I don’t think I’m up for it…” he replies
“What the hell Rob, she’s a pretty blond in a bar, at least give it a try.  Fuck it, I’ll go break the ice,” you say, grabbing a beer
>a heavy hand falls on your shoulder
“Naw man, I mean I’m not feeling that good.  Thinking of turning in for the night,”
“Already?  I was just starting to enjoy myse-
>the lights blink out, and when they come back on again, you are completely unprepared
>Rob
>the Barkeep
>that pretty blond in the gray dress
>the bar
>the lights
>cardboard?
>cardboard bar, hurriedly painted colors and logos
>cardboard Rob, face scribbled on with crayons and markers
>cardboard walls
>cardboard people
“What,”
>nobody, or rather “nothing” was moving
>you see Rob’s boxy, cardboard hand on your shoulder
>the hand was just a box with fingers poorly drawn on
“What,”
>you do not realize that you’ve repeated yourself
>there’s a faint smile on your lips, but it’s not from any happiness or amusement
“Wha-
>the lights flicker again and the bar blinks back to loud, brash and just as an average St. Patty’s would be
>the blond girl was looking between Rob and you
>the barkeep was yelling and laughing
>Rob’s hand on your shoulder
“What the fuck…” you say, mechanically
“What’s wrong man?  You okay?” he says as he takes his hand off your shoulder
>he looks genuinely concerned
“You don’t look so good, Anon,”
“You didn’t see?  ‘The fuck is going on?”
>Rob looks around nervously
>you suddenly feel a whole lot more sober
“See what?” he asks, “What happened?  Maybe you had a few too many,”
>he sounds unsure of himself
“Like fuck I did, something’s fucked up here and…”
>and what?
>nothing was wrong now
>nobody was made of cardboard
“Okay man, just calm down, tell me what’s wrong,”
>Rob tries to sound reassuring, but his brow is beading with sweat and his voice shakes
>he keeps looking around at the other patrons
>you feel like everyone’s looking at you
“I…  I don’t feel so good man.  I think I did have too many,” you state
>something was fucked up in here
>everyone did look at you when you weren’t looking
>Rob was acting strange
>cold fear crept up your neck
>the loud music was shallow in your ears
>clinking glasses, footsteps, yelling of drunkards crowded the tinny sound
>you don’t even know what song this is but it is wrong
“Okay man, let’s go sit down.  I’ll call a cab.  Hang in there,”
>Rob didn’t seem to be buying his own words, why should you?
“Thanks Rob, gonna go sit down...  Sorry, I don’t know what came over me,”
>you do your best to smile as you walk towards the stool
>then, you see it
>a gap between the tables
>nobody between you and the door
“It’s fine, Anon.  Hah, maybe you shouldn’t have bought the cheapest piss they have her-
>you explode into a full out sprint
“HEY WAIT!”
>like hell you’re waiting
>the front door is just a few feet away
>you hear Rob yelling behind you, but you don’t really give a shit
>you whip the door open and run like the fires of Hell are at your heels
>you’ve been in an office for a dozen years, but you’re half drunk and you’re so full of adrenaline that can’t even blink
>sure, a fit man could catch you
>but Rob isn’t fit
“ANON DON’T –
>you whip your head around to see Rob right the fuck behind you
>catching up on you with his massive, flabby bulk
>WHAT THE FU-
>your incoherent thoughts are cut short by the world shifting
>you just ran into an object
>the pain doesn’t hit you until you’re on the floor
>the disorientation only serves to increase your panic
“Anon!”
>cardboard Rob leans down to you
>you shut your eyes tightly
>you don’t think like you’re going to black out
>but everything hurts now, and you’re scared for your life
>you curl up and throw your arms over your head
>you feel tears run down your cheeks
>were you going to die?
>you just wanted to know what the fuck was going on
“Anon?  Anon, talk to me,”
>the cardboard face doesn’t move as it talks
>it seems to hit you like a wave of nausea
>was this what going insane felt like?
>you…
>you were a nutcase, now?
>was it what it was like for crazy people?
>everyone going about their business, and only they could see this?
>were you just in a padded cell right now, had you just run into a cushioned wall?
>you crack open another eye
>white
>white room, broken table turned on its side
>door busted half off its hinges
“Anon, please, just relax,” says the cardboard Rob
>you sob and are surprised to hear a yelp escape your mouth
>you can’t help but scamper back in the corner of the room
“Anon, just calm down!”
>as you blink, cardboard Rob turns back into Rob
>you don’t know if this should make you feel better or worse
“What the FUCK is going on, Rob?”
>you practically jump at the volume of your own voice
“Anon, you’re safe, please just relax.  It’s me, Rob,”
>yep, you finally lost it
>this was a hospital, and you broke out of your fucking room or something
>you can’t fucking believe this is happening
>you’re actually crazy
>just what the fuck
>had you hurt anyone?
>you feel fresh tears blur your vision
>not from panic this time
>now they were just from a crushing realization that you were actually fucked up and helpless
“Anon, I can explain everything, just relax.  You’re safe, okay?  It’s all cool.  Come on man, sit down, do you want me to get you some water or something?”
>you take a while to slow your breathing
>wiping your face every few second, holding back your feelings
>you were going to get through this
“I think I’m okay…  Thanks…  Sorry…”
>he gives you a little reassuring smile, pulling you a chair
>you climb off the floor and slump down into it
“Anon…  It all started about ten years ago,”
>you’ve been a fucking psycho for that long
>he pauses, the face you’ve made seems to hit him like a fist
“Listen, it wasn’t like that at first.  We just watched, and things were okay,”
>so you were just a little crazy at first and not full fucking retard?
>”What a fucking relief”, you think, the thought dripping with sarcasm
“But after a while, things got…  Complicated.   We had to change our tactic, you know? “
>you hang your head, asking
“When did that happen?”
>he rubs his face with his hands
“About five years in.  Nobody ever got hurt,”
>your head rocks back in an almost ecstatic sigh
>now this was good news
>despite how fucked up you must be, nobody got hurt
>without a shred of sarcasm, you thank your sweet stars
>you chuckle and question once more
“So that’s it, hunh.  I’ve been crazy for ten years, but only really insane for five?”
>Rob’s head tilts up as he stares into your eyes
“Crazy?  Anon, no, you’re not crazy,”
>what
“You’re just in Equestria,”
>what
“Listen, we used to just use magic to open a portal to your world and film you, but as your life show got more popular, that became much too expensive.  We just made a copy of your office and apartment here, and swapped you for a stand-in,”
>what
>Rob turns into a cardboard Rob and pulls his own head off
>what
>cardboard Rob then opens his own chest and a small, green unicorn steps out onto the table
>what
>the little unicorn starts to talk, its horn glowing as its voice changes from a deep one to a high, squeaky one
>what
“We just cast illusion spells over the sets to really make it believable, but when you agreed to go to the bar, we panicked.  We had to throw one up and it didn’t really take to the spells very well.  We were trying so hard to keep the illusions up, sometimes even our body illusion spells slipped out,”
>what
“We really didn’t expect you to agree when I asked you to come to the bar, you haven’t agreed to go out like that in...  Seven years?  Yeah, seven years.  It's why we started watching you in the first place, you know...  You can't believe how wonderful it is to relax to a show like you after a day in our lives...  We're sorry, this wasn’t meant to happen, Anon.”
>what
“Anon?  You okay?”
"What."

[spoiler]I really hope you guys didn’t see it coming from too far away and I hope you enjoyed it at least a little.[/spoiler]