Out of Shape Gym Coach

>You are Anonymous, you are in Equestria.
>This is your chance to score.
>You have been stuck in this.. this infernal sea of horses for fifteen bloody, sexless years.
>But, that'll change as of today.
>Why? Simple.
>Today is the first day is Estrus.
>All the stallions have fled the town.
>All the mares are going to be begging for for a mate.
>You'll be here to solve all of their needs.
>Looking in to a mirror in your bathroom, you start inspecting yourself.
>You run your hand on your five o'clock shadow, one of your weapons in this battle of sexual favors.
"Chicks dig the shadow," you say, grinning.
>Reaching for the counter, you grab your brush and brush your beard and crew cut.
>You run your fingers threw your hair when your done, and splash some water on your face.
>Looking back in the mirror, you look at your shirtless form.
>You attempt to flex your muscles, grinning when it seemed like you were succeeding, but frowning when you ultimately lost.
>You sigh.
"I need to work out more. Need to ask Applejack about working on the farm..."
>You grin to yourself.
"If ya know what I mean." you say, chuckling to yourself.
>You reach into your hamper of clean clothes and grab a wife beater, and a a clean shirt.
>Slipping on your wife beater, you remember to apply deodorant.
"Don't wanna forget that." you say, before putting your shirt on.
>As you walk to your closet to walk you start to whistle a slily tune.
>The whistling turns to humming as you open the door to the closet and grab for a jacket.
>You put it on, adjust the collar, and pose for the mirror.
>You finger gun and click your tongue before snapping your fingers and putting them on your ass, and making a sizzling sound.
"I'm too hot for this." you say, smiling.
>Grabbing some cologne, "Le Stank of HorseFucker" from the stand next to your bed, you apply it, then replace it on to your nightstand.
>Inspecting yourself one last time you clap your face with your hands, psyching yourself up.
"LET'S GO!" you exclaim to yourself, before leaving your house and venturing to town.
>The first pony you see is Pinkie Pie.
>You smile to yourself.
>You got this.
>Walking up to her, you think of the perfect pickup line for this one.
>You tap her on the shoulder, wait for her to face you and say, "Excuse me, do you have a band-aid? I scraped my knee when I fell for you."
>She puts her hoof into her mane, pulls out a band aid and hands it to you before hopping off, waving good-bye.
>You stand there for a moment, frozen. Unsure of how you felt.
>A moment like this has never occurred to you before.
>That was one of your best lines.
>Your mind is in shambles, but you must carry on.
>Never mind the fact the Pinkie, despite it being Estrus season, just hopped off into the distance!
>You will get laid.
>Shaking your head, you start walking deeper into town.
>The next pony you see is Rainbow Dash.
>You think a little harder about the line this time.
>It takes a moment, but you got it. You thought of the perfect line for your flying female friend.
>You walk up to her and clear your throat.
"Do you have a mirror in your pocket, 'Cause I can see myself in your pants," you say, confidently, raising and lowering your eye brows a few times.
>She cocks an eyebrow, obviously confused, then saying "Uh, yeah. You too, anon." before flying off.
>Again, you stand there. Shocked.
>She just. Ignored you.
>Left without a second word.
>You let out a shaky breath before putting a hand on your head.
>This is harder than you thought it would be.
>Again, you shake your head and steel your nerves. The hunting must resume. You will get your lay.