Groceries Are Not Haram

>Day Islamic State on Earth
>Well, more like Islamic State in your bedroom.
>Your infidel roommate hates it when you hang your banners around the flat and shout at the top of your lungs.
>You would jihad him, but he currently pays the bills.
>Your ear flicks as you hear the door open and close downstairs.
>Speaking of infidels, that must be Anon now!
>He said he was going out for groceries today.
>Buying haram food no doubt.
>You'll see about that!
>You carefully trot downstairs and peek around the corner.
>Covertly, you watch him place the grocery bags on the floor before turning around and going out the door again to get the second load.
>Now is the time to strike.
>You leap from your cover and shift through the bags.
>Hopefully he bought the things.
>The first bag only contains fruits and vegetables, and is moved to the side.
>You'll behead the lettuce head later.
>The second bag is soon pounced upon and rifled through.
>AHA! Beer! Beer is alcohol, and alcohol is not haram!
>You snap the cap off with your hoof, bring the bottle to your lips, and lean back.
>The truth is, you don't actually know what haram is.
>You know it means a bad thing, and bad things need to be removed.
>And what better way to demotivate the infidels than by destroying their alcohol!
>You finish off the bottle and stumble backwards, hiccuping.
>There are still several bottles left, but those can be dealt with later.
>Already your head is spinning.
>You hear footsteps approaching, and realise it must be Anon again.
>You stumble away from the bags, barely making it around the corner before the door opens.
>A few hiccups force themselves out of you, and you pray to Allah that Anon didn't hear.
>You leap back onto the groceries, albeit this time much more clumsily.
>You pop the cap off another bottle and take a swig, moving on to one of the newer bags.
>This bag has a bunch of cardboard boxes in it.
>Your eyes light up and you half-hiccup half-squeal in delight when you see one of the boxes.

>Granola bars!
>You rip the box the shreds and pull out one of the bars.
"Allahu snackbar!" You shout before cramming the bar in your mouth.
>You wash it down with another swig and grab another bar.
>Suddenly, the door opens.
>Anon is back already? How could you be so careless!
>There's no time to run away, you just cram yourself into one of the corners and pull one of the bags up over your body.
>You feel cold for some reason.
>There's a slight pause as Anon stands in the doorway.
>You don't /think/ he can see you.
>A nervous hiccup escapes your muzzle.
>He lets out disappointing sigh before grabbing the first and second bags to carry them to the kitchen.
>As soon as you hear his footsteps go around the corner of the hallway, you push off the bag, causing it's contents to spill across the floor.
>Frozen foods! So that's why you were so cold.
>You spy a package of bacon among the items.
>Haha!
>Bacon is pork, and pork is not haram!
>You lean down and grab it with your mouth.
>You don't really feel like eating this, your stomach is already doing flips.
>You carry the bacon to the bathroom, intending on flushing it down the toilet.
>Just before you reach the toilet, however, the icy coldness seeps through your teeth and forces you to drop the package.
>You stumble and collapse on your side.
>Your stomach is making some very unhappy noises.

>You paw at the package fruitlessly, when suddenly your stomach lurches.
>With nary a second to spare, you pull yourself to your hooves and stick your head in the bowl, filling the bathroom with some very unpleasant sounds.
>You retch a few times before your stomach finally gives you a moment to rest.
>"Are you done?"
>You turn your head and see Anon in the doorway to the bathroom.
>He's holding up the broken granola bar box and the two beer bottles you emptied.
>You're too miserable to go into a rant about haram food, so you accept defeat and give a half-nod.
>He sighs and comes over to help, leaving the items on the floor.
>He holds your head and mane back while you finish evacuating yourself.
>Afterwards he carries you back to your room, placing you in your bed before getting a glass of water with an alka-seltzer disolving in it.
>You smile as you drift off to sleep.
>You love your little infidel.