FOOD LINGO
Food-advertising language. You're familiar with the words. You hear them all the time: Fresh,
natural, hearty, old-fashioned, homemade goodness. In a can. Well, if those are the words they
want to use, let's take a look at them.

Old-fashioned
When they say old-fashioned, they want us to think about the old days, don't they? The old days.
You know, before we had sanitation laws; before hygiene became popular; back when E. coli
was still considered a condiment.

Homemade
Right next to old-fashioned in the warmth and nostalgia department is homemade. You see it on
packages in the supermarket: homemade flavor. Folks, take my word for this, a food company
operating out of a ninety-acre processing plant is functionally incapable of producing anything
homemade. I don t care if the CEO is living in the basement, wearing an apron and cooking on a
hot plate. It's not gonna happen.

Same with restaurants. Homemade soup. Once again, it doesn't matter how much the four-foot,
amphetamine-laced waitress with the bright orange hair smoking the three Marlboros reminds
you of your dear old mother, the soup is not homemade. Unless the chef and his family are
sleeping in the kitchen. And if that's the case, I'm not hungry.

Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack
cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade. If you need further information, check the notes of Timothy McVeigh. Old Tim knew how to cook up little homemade goodies.

Home-style
Sometimes the advertising people realize that homemade sounds too full of shit, so they switch
to home-style. They'll say something has home-style flavor. Well, whose home are we talking
about? Jeffrey Dahmer's? Believe me, folks, there's nothing home-style about the boiled head of
a Cambodian teenager. Even if you sprinkle parsley on the hair and serve it with oven-roasted
potatoes.

Style
Style is another bullshit word you have to keep an eye on. Any time you see the word style added
to another word, someone is pulling your prick. New York-style deli. You know why they call it
that? Because it's not in New York. That's the only reason. Its probably in Bumfuk, Egypt, the
owner is from Rwanda and the food tastes like something the Hutus would feed to the Tutsis.
Another bogus use of the word style is in family-style restaurant. What that means is that there's
an argument going on at every table. And the eldest male is punching the women. You know,
"family-style."

Gourmet
Here's another word the advertising sluts have completely wiped their asses with. Everything is
gourmet now: gourmet cuisine in a can, gourmet dining in a cup. Folks, try not to be too fuckin'
stupid, will ya? There's no such thing as gourmet coffee, gourmet rolls or gourmet pizza. Gourmet means one thing: "We're going to charge you more."
The same is true of the word cuisine. The difference between food and cuisine is sixty
dollars. That's it. They're stealing from you. You want to know some real gourmet food? Toasted
snail penises; candied filet of panda asshole: deep-dish duck dick. Now you're talkin' cuisine.

Hearty
This is a word only a bullshitter could love: hearty. Soups are hearty, breakfast is hearty. Folks,
next time you see the word hearty, take a good look at the rest of the label. "Hmmra! Six hundred grams of saturated fat." You know, hearty. As in heart attack.

The Y words
It's a good idea to be wary of any words ending in y, in particular such words as butter-y,
lemon-y and chocolate-y. Any time marketers add a y to the name of a food, you can be sure
they're yanking your schwantz. Real chocolatey goodness. Translation? No fuckin' chocolate!
And while we're at it, zesty and tangy are not real words that normal people use in conversation.
Has anyone ever turned to you in a restaurant and said, "This pork is really zesty. And it's tangy,
too"? My comment? "Hey, Zesty, I got something' tangy for ya!"

Flavored
Folks, watch out for the word flavored. Lemon-flavored drink. Oh yeah? Lemme know if you
spot any trace of a goddamn lemon in there.
There's even a pet food that calls itself a chicken-flavored treat. Well, a dog doesn't know what
chicken tastes like. He might like it if you give him some, but he's not gonna say, "Oh good, I
was hoping we'd have something chicken-flavored again. One grows tired of beef.'

Natural
The last one of these bullshit food words is natural. And these comments are directed at all you
environmental jackoffs out there. The word natural is completely meaningless. Everything is
natural. Nature includes everything. It's not just trees and flowers and the northern spotted owl.
It's everything in the universe. Untreated raw sewage, polyester, toxic chemical waste, used
bandages, monkey shit. It's all perfectly natural. It's just not real good food. But you know something? It is zesty. And it's tangy, too. Bon appe'tit, consumers.