I know that I wrote about my schizophrenia in polish chans. But I had never mentioned it on Kraut
Firstly I'm going to tell some bored facts about my life before. If not interested just ctrl+f schizophrenia beginning
I was pretty normal guy, maybe someone who like making fun of everything and who were semi winning life. Once I had gf once I hadn't. I were drinking friend and making other keinbernd things.
But then I moved to Gdańsk where I decided to study robotic engineering at university of technology. Because I were lurking polish chans, and everyone there was telling that having gf, friends etc. is worthless so I decided to resign from all this and start doing fucking science instead. In reality i were just lurking more. Slowly loneliness started to make it effect, but fuck it I were still in this.
One year passed like this, even if "I concentrated on study" I still hadn't passed some exams.
But I hadn't stand in same class (if ECTS<12 you can continue). After this I started third semester and I had 0,5 fucking point to less to pass this fucking electrotechnics from first semester.
And so was my first loosen year at uni.
And then world again broken for me lightly, but no for long.
I found temporary job, and I had monies for repeating year at uni. Parents who always were like "you have only one chance" given me another one. I meet girl and started meeting with her,
I taken my life in my hands, invested in /fa/ clothes and then dopamine started increasing fast as fuck.
*schizophrenia beginning*
I started to feel that I'm fucking god, that I can get everything I want. I had huge will to work on myself. I bought many books, in 2 weeks I had read 3 books. Jobs biography, an documentary book about south korea and year 1984. (Before this, if not counting time before exam I were reading 5 books per year).
I started to meditate and felt enlightened, and were over and over again telling about things I had read in these books. About yin and yang, about this how everything is like doublethinking. In same time something is one and other thing. That everything can be used in life even robotic, because to hit the point in world where everything is dual, where every move is good and bad at once, we have to actuate something like in electric regulation system xD
I was pretty hard out of reality. I don't know if you too knows that feel from dreams. When something completely absurd seems to be legit. I had it whole day.
And even with this I had living okay until I come to this party...
At first I told my friend, who asked said me that he come back to catholicism and asked me if I still respect him as atheist, that I know that he hadn't come to these thing that I disslike in catholicism but to values that he things are important, but fuck this.
I came to this party and started to watching at aquarium and I saw that new fishes had born.
So even if nobody wanted to listen to it I started to speaking how important experience is this that we can observe the conditions that had to be complied to allow fish multiply. Because it allow us to buy expensive fish and make $ xD
Moment after this I found guitar and started to try learning how to play, and somehow I were pretty good.
It's only examples I were doing over 9k things in the same time and people started to ask if everything ok with me.
Well to explain them my condition I started to share information in parts with whole party. To one guy who knew Kaczmarski I started to talking about War of post and carnival. I jumped and run to another one and to this one I started to explain that science is something like people who are trying to hit an number, but they are blind. So if they have 10 and want to hit 30 only things they can do is add or minus some random numbers and even if we don't knows if we going to come closer of farer we still can try. Third one heard about yin & yang. Next one about "+ and - is only I can see" (polish rap text). etc.
Everything would be ok, but I were jumping from person to person and were mixing in their heads.
I approached to an grill and said
>look at me and at them
I closed my eyes
>And now tell me, do I really exist?
I made a lot of thing like this. And finally people were not able to handle with me, and they were trying to calm me down. But was worse.
I were screaming that officiousness is worse than fascism. And then they started to be afraid that police would come because of being to loud. And war started 14 persons vs me. I came up with idea that to discussion we need at least 3 person, 2 in discussion and mediator. Mediator had to agree with both sides, and connect 2 different opinion into one making sense. I don't now fucking how but made everyone into this system. And they were talking like that not only with me but even between themselves.
And everyone started to speaking like that and after 10 minutes we all were like mad
And it was worse and worse, they wanted to control me, but it was impossible. Someone taken my lacosta shoes, which meaning as a symbol of my transformation I explained and throw them to street.
Someone hit me into face. Next one did same, everybody was trying to stop this. I really wanted to discuss with one who hit me. But nobody wanted to allow me do that. I still wanted to talk with him and he ripped my tshirt and hit me again.
We were talking I wanted to show that with aggression nothing can be done. Well I made everything what I were pleased me to do but fought against everything they tried to made me do with strength. Just to show my view.
And finally we came back to house (from which they taken me off to don't make noise)
People asked me for my fon, I given it to them, and everyone one after one called to my parents and explained what was happening. (I were 100km from city I live, it was holiday, and this was city I were studying in)
Moment later they made me sit in kitchen and asked for not going out. They bound me with duct tape, and I pored reinforced tape xD
After this they somehow made me calm because one of them saw what am I trying to show with my acting. And I allowed to tied myself and cover my eyes.
When my parents come (it was 4 in night) people started to asking me to move with chair to which I was attached to. One of them was just asking second were ordering. And they programmed me like a robot (what were I asking for to show my view on aggression xD).
My parents taken me to Grudziądz from Gdańsk (100km) but on the way something happened in my head I was not sure that they want to take me to grudziądz and I were asking again and again if it's correct way.
Next day I wrote message to everyone in form of pic related.
Przepraszam że stałem [s]się innym[/s] + napis zmiana+profilowego.jpeg
I'm sorry that [s]I became different[/s] + caption change+of+profile+picture.jpeg and stretched and narrowed picture on this. Somewhere I placed yin and yang somwhere 1+1+4-2 etc.
Everything I were talking before to single persons I connected to one, and marked everyone and asked. Nobody answered, I hadn't get why.
Than I had vision of invention, but such unreal as something in dreams.
I wanted to create something what can be put on hand in bracelet like in watch. This was going to have square and made from glass movable circle with yin and yang painted on this. (half transparent half black) It was supposed to be used while thinking. I mean you are moving circle and seeing that not whole part of square is visible independently of position you moved it to. Well you are moving it and you are geting closer or farer to target, and you can in best cause reach it only in some part, like in engineering.
I were really attracted to this idea, and were talking about parents about it, and how can I do it, how to cut glass etc.
And parents told me that they would help me but only if I would go to psychiatrist.
I hadn't wanted because my time was too valuable xD
But finally I agree, they sand me to some tests, "please follow me". I hadn't noticed moment when I came to closed section. I hadn't allowed for this but they closed me there.
At first moment I were making many discussion. I taken paper card that was a square. I crumpled it  and asked if it's form is ball. Director said yas, well I straightened it and said, yes but it is also a square. So am I. I'm not crazy like ball, you are just not able to see my real form, But it hadn't helped. They said that I have to stay here for at least 3 months. I said no way, I have to come back to uni. But they weren't listing to me. Some days latter I became aggressive because of this. I punched director in face. They closed me in isolation room, but I got free from these shitty belts.
I taken shirt off, wrapped my fist, and broken windows.
But it was to small to escape.
A lot was happening, some time latter I got really strong medicines.
And it made me muddy.
I were sleeping more, but I were still same person. Then I made friends with an pathology person from this section. And he had bring LSD from pass.
I had hang on acid.
And then I started to be so calm that they allowed me to leave xD
My medicines were so strong that I can't even remember what was happening in psychiatric ward.
But there was many thing happening. An man told me "you have such nice pants, while my one looks like shit". Same day, I'm coming back to my room and this man were wearing my pants.
I beaten him xD
Same man was spreading shit in corridor with foot. An person was again and again talking that he have to repair his radio. One was normal but with depression. An were hiding from police, after he beaten policeman. Tabs made me really hungry, in 2 moths I got 20kg (from 60 to 80). My /fa/ closes hadn't fit anymore.
My reformist enthusiasm completely expired. I hadn't power to read 3 pages of book in one day, well 3 books in 2 weeks were unavailable.
They hold me there for 3 moths, and said that I have undifferentiated schizophrenia. It means "you have schizophrenia but it's not match to any known schizophrenia but it surly schizophrenia" (I hadn't heard voices in my head, I hadn't visions or something like that).
Now I take weak medicines and I became really boring person.