Kore Zombie

[Commie]
*0:37 - Context/Error (arguable): "Beast" / It probably means it eats like a beast. 「野獣」 implies it's wild from the beginning rather than became a stray cat.
3:31 - Text Length (negligible)
*9:16 - Nuance (minor): "That applies to you too." / "You first"?
*14:14 - Error/Literal (major, arguable): "The Chainsaw Freak" / Not "The Chainsaw Monster". 「怪人」 is not "monster in form of a person", but monstrous power is somewhat applicable.
14:18 - Error (recurring): "[...] That's  what makes it freakier" OR "[...] That's what makes it so creepy."
*15:12 - Context/Error (minor): "They're close to find out what I really am!" OR "They're about to blow my cover!" / They haven't yet.
*16:02 - Over-interpretation/Logic (arguable): "Why do I sense magic from you?" / It was probably drawn by the other Magiclad girl. Probably not drawn by him.
*21:12 - Liberal (minor): "Your have long legs." / It's funny because she's seeing him as a girl.

[Doki]
*0:37 - Context/Error (arguable): "Beast" / It probably means it eats like a beast. 「野獣」 implies it's wild from the beginning rather than became a stray cat.
*1:38 - Context (minor): "The chosen
... one." / Himself, not in general/plural.
*3:35 - Redundancy/Awkward (minor): "A new battle awaits him" OR "A new battle is about to begin." / Not both.
*4:10 - Nuance (minor): "You look worse than ever." / The dry-up is more severe than usual. Not just always look terrible.
**5:25 - Context: "Cut it out! That's not even funny!"
*5:35 - Nuance/Context (minor): "We can't conclude that it's something so unscientific."
*5:59+6:04 - Detail (minor): "learned in class" etc
*6:25 - Nuance (negligible on important line): "Maybe my powers will make a total recovery soon!" / This will be relevant later, when she makes partial recovery.
*7:44 - Detail (minor): I made an extra special lunch today!
*9:05 - Error (minor): "Do we get to eaet any other food?" / Not ingredients.
*9:29 - Logic/Context (minor): "Our teacher asked me to help with something." / That's why she's still there. The teacher didn't call her out to the classroom after school.
{I'm too lazy to point out all minor mistakes at this point. They already have enough minors for "many"}
**11:50 - Scriptwriting/Dodge: "It's all about style!" / "Bunsen burner" is completely made up.
**12:19 - Scriptwriting: "Say no more. Say no more!" / Implying don't complain for this happy occasion. Didn't say anything about drinking until the next line.
**12:39 - Context: "The sun's killin' me every day!"
**13:21 - Error: "An imaginary friend?"

[Hatsuyuki]
*4:40 - Detail (minor, recurring): "Ethyl alcohol" OR "Ethanol" / Not just "alochol".
*5:15 - Nuance (minor): "Cut it out! That's not even funny!" / "dangerous accusation" doesn't work here because it's "dangerous" for Ayumu rather than the speaker.
5:29 - Nuance (negligible): "Necromancer, aren't you too old to believe in ghosts?" / Teasing her because such belief is childish. That's the main point of this line rather than absurdity of ghosts in and of itself.
*7:34 - Nuance (minor): I made an extra special lunch today! / Not just her specialty. She put more effort into it than usual.
**11:40 - Error: "It's all about style!" / She implies it doesn't change taste, but it's classier. 「風情」 is not "taste" as in "flavor", but "taste" as in  "preference/style". That's why "kids can't understand" it.
*14:14 - Liberal (minor): "chainsaw-wielding freak" / Not "chainsaw-wielding phantom" / "Phantom" of the Opera is considered to be a 「怪人」, but that's a bit hard to relate and "phantom" sounds it's referring to "ghost" mentioned earlier rather than being a deviant/pervert as mentioned later.
*16:59 - Literal (minor): "Exeeding the world" is "From another world", or ""Out of this world"" if going liberal.
18:42 - Style (negligible): This line really needs to be broken into two for dramatic effect.