These are my private notes. Bury them if they're boring. I would love a discussion, if you felt some of these things for a period in your life, and you found out how to combat them, get past them, live with them.

A glimpse of clarity.

I want to organize my life. I'm at a point where I think it needs to be done, and I want to do it, and I've wanted to do it for some time, but I haven't done it yet.

To begin, I need clarity. I need to be aware of my problems in my current state, and to accept that problems are permanent furniture in our lives. With that said, I'd like to move up to a higher class of problems. I am afraid of losing the red thread here, because when I face my problems they all seem to melt together, and become hard to separate. Let me try to clarify.

I've become inactive. There is no better word for it. I have stopped caring about a lot of things that I used to care about. I constantly tell myself that I do not give a fuck about things that could be important to me. I do not vote, I do not care about littering in nature or in the city and I think that the idea of a societal responsibility is ridiculous – for me. I believe that I am fundamentally different than everybody else, and that I do not have a responsibility towards society, because all the powers that control other people like common cultural identity and conscience does not apply to me. And since I am just one guy, I do not make a difference anyway, so I might as well be indifferent. I only litter when it is inconvenient, and I do not vote partly because it is inconvenient.

This attitude towards society also reflects my attitude towards my own life. I do not know why I feel this way or what the cause is, but I know I have felt this way for quite some time. The root cause is maybe loneliness. Moving away from my parents, living alone in a dormitory and having studies that almost do not require my attendance, in at least some periods, has left me alone. I am not blaming my loneliness on my environment, it is my own job to get out of it. I have learned to go by almost without the company of other people, and still be able to be a part of a workplace, a party with friends and a study group when I need to. But I have learned to be alone, and be content with it.

So why do I want to stop being alone? If I am content, why not be happy?

I want some things in life. Content is the wrong word, because it is not a continuing state of mind. Being alone so much sometimes leaves me bored and depressed – not much happens. When new tv series runs out, or I am bored of watching some other guy stream himself playing video games and believe me – they do run out and you do get bored, I am no longer content. It is in these moments that you think about your situation, these glimpses of clarity that makes you want something more, when you think about what you could have and what you want. It is in one of these moments, these clarity glimpses, that I am writing right now.

And when you have these glimpses, you realize that a lonely life, where you do not really do anything is obnoxiously boring. Watching tv shows, playing video games casually and beating off are not accomplishments. And you get fed up, and you promise yourself that the next day is going to get better and that tomorrow you will start doing something, anything, everything, and you feel so good because you know it will get better and you will be saved. Then you go to sleep, and you wake up the next day and you find a new tv show to watch and a new naked girl to beat off to, and you are content until your next glimpse of clarity.

Knowing what the right thing to do is not enough. I have learned that in my case, knowledge is nothing if I do not act. In my glimpses of clarity I can act, but it is almost always problematic times of day. You can not go out and get with a girl at seven in the morning, or at least I tell myself I can't. So I make promises to myself and mostly I do not keep them. Knowing what to do is not my problem, I know it very well. It is having the inner strength to hold up the promises that I lack, and it is these properties that I want to acquire. And that is how we arrive at my current disposition, how to gain inner strength?

I've read the beginning of some books about depression. One of them, Feeling Good by D. Burns, says that the way we think about ourselves, other people and actions is the key to unlocking control of our feelings. It has dramatic consequences – it explains how people can become serial killers, monsters, dictators and how Hitler must have transformed, but it also gives you the possibility of being happy. If you want to become a serial killer, when you think about something that happened in the past that you are embarassed about, then you can tell yourself that you need to exert revenge, that they derserve it and that you are just and they are evil. If you want to be happy, you can tell yourself that it actually was not embarassing, that it actually was kind of funny, and that you are glad it happened, because that embarassing moment helped transform you to the person you are today.

It is this open ended way of not changing what you think about, but changing how you think about them that mesmerized when I read those books, and I've been constantly thinking about them ever since. But it is not the only part of the puzzle that I am putting together, because accepting yourself and others is not enough, you must also have the inner strength of acting out the things you set out to do, and not give up, or acceptance is pointless. You need to go after the things you want, improve and accelerate, accept that if you want something and think it's worth getting, then do it. Even if it's hard and unpleasant, and you are sitting comfortably in a chair, and you have just downloaded a new tv show that is pretty funny and there is cookies in your kitchen cabinet. Acceptance means accepting your wants and needs, and accept that you need to act.

This is what I think when I think about the concepts of acceptance and inner strength. Rules of what you should do. But what I really need is to find out how to do them. Getting active is not something you by writing how important it is, you have to do something. And it is in this place of conscience that I am moving into new territory, and it is in this place that I need to improve.

How do you gain willpower? How do you gain inner strength?

I have begun challenging myself. I say to myself, "sit in the same position and write for an hour. Do not look away, or fuck around, until you're done." When I write without challenging myself, I stop when I do not feel like writing anymore, which is not very satisfying afterwards. This writing is a challenge, I'm challenging myself by setting a goal and doing it, even though it's hard and it strains my brains. I want to keep challenging my self. I challenge myself to keep laying in bed, doing nothing, even if I can't sleep, even if I have to lay awake for eight hours without sleeping, even though it has not gone that far yet. I definitely feel like this is the way to go.

It does not make it easier though. Writing is still hard. Trying to go to sleep is still boring when you can't, and giving up seems so easy, you only have to abandon what you think is right. That is when it helps to change the way you think about what you're doing. I am talking about what the depression book introduced me to, changing the way you think about a subject. When you are doing something that you want to give up on, change the way you think about it. When you lie awake in your bed, thinking about turning on the computer and checking something, or going up and getting something to drink or eat, stop. Instead tell yourself that you'll go to sleep soon, that it is nice staying in bed, and that you are going to follow through with your goal. I did this and it worked for me, someone who have had trouble sleeping for as long as I can remember. I'm very anxious to see if it will keep working, and if it will change my sleeping patterns.

Circles.

I thought to myself that I've felt this way before. Last summer vacation I had the same feeling, the feeling that I wanted to do something. Before the summer vacation, I felt that I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was to do nothing.

After this period of wanting to do something, I find something to do. Then I am pretty well for some time, until I get bored with what I found. I tell myself that I should be doing something else, something more meaningful, but at the same time I have committed myself to a job, a school, volunteering and then I feel trapped doing these things. When I'm not doing anything, I just want to do something. When I'm doing something, I want to do great things, and because I am not doing them I feel like I'm wasting my time, trapped. It's exhausting feeling like that for an extended period of time, very exhausting.

Now I am in my period of inactivity, and I want to do something, anything. The thing I really want to do, I am too scared of doing, so I don't do it. This makes me feel bad. Sleeping all day doesn't help either.

I may be disappointed when I try to do all of the things I want at once and fail, but I am certain that if I persist on trying, I will defy my fears and progress in the direction I deserve. One step at a time. Remember which step is the next, and which step you just left behind.