Oneshot: I'm Rick James, bitch!

>Wake up
>Shower and get dressed, you've got shit to do today
>You rush out the door to get to the market, you're expecting company later and you want to have food ready
>You get back home and begin unpacking groceries when you hear a knock at your door
>Unsurprised, you shout 'Come inside, Rainbow Dash!'
>You hear the door open and close, and you turn your head to see BlueCocky enter the kitchen
Hey Rainbow.  How's it going?
>She's all smiles
>'Pretty good, Anon!'
>She then goes into details on what tricks she practiced this morning, jumping around the kitchen excitedly as she does so
>You laugh
>She drops back down onto the ground, and asks:
>'So why today, of all days, did you decide to have a movie party?'
I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED LET ME SHOW YOU!
>You grab her by the hoof and drag her into your living room
>And before the two of you lies the most majestic couch either of you have laid eyes on
>White suede, with big soft cushions and recliner options in each of them
>After finding it, you knew it had to be yours
>And you two were going to watch the SHIT out of some movies to christen it as the new centerpiece to your living room
>'It's.... beautiful....'
>She goes to jump on it and you grab her by the tail, yanking her backwards
>You hold her upside down and say
Hold on a second, there are some rules for this couch:
>You inhale dramatically
No smoking
No dipping
No hooves on the sofa
No drinks
No chips
No dip
No foods that dribble
No foods that crumble
No foods that stain
No laughing so hard you pee
No pissing yourself in fear
No crying
No wiping snot on the cushions
No fantasizing about Spitfire (Don't even try and lie to me.  We know.  We ALL know.)
Cover your mouth when you burp, cough or sneeze
No jumping
No falling on the sofa
No cushion forts
No running your hoof back and forth over the suede to make it change color
No sharp objects near the sofa
No fun
And I swear to Celestia if you wipe your filthy, Cheeto-dust covered hoof on my clean white couch, I will thoroughly and completely ruin your chances of ever becoming a Wonderbolt
Any questions?
>Taken aback, she asks 'So, EVERYONE knows about...?'
Yes
>'Oh.  Well.  Good to know.'
>Spaghetti starts to fill the room due to the fact that Rainbow just found out that all her friends know she has a thing for her boss
>It's getting near the sofa
HEY!  STOP THAT!
>Rainbow snaps out of her awkwardness and the spaghetti disappears
Good
>There's a knock at the door
Now, do me a favor and pop 'Shy Hard' into the DVD player while I see who's here
>You walk over and open the door and a muddy Fluttershy stutterstumbles her way into your house
>'Hey hot shtuff.  C'mere and give mama shum of that jungle love.'
>She goes to nuzzle your crotch
>You sidestep, and she stumbles into the kitchen table
Jesus Christ, Flutters, it's eleven in the morning!  How much have you had to drink?
>With a drunken giggle, she says:
>'I drank a WHOLE beer!  And a half.  And then I threw up and then I drank the other half.'
>You've seen Fluttershy drink before, and you know this roughly translates into 'I accidentally that whole fifth'
>She's still trying to give you the bedroom eyes, but her game is kind of thrown off by the fact that she's drunkenly swaying around your kitchen
>'Sho, uh, I dunno if you know this, but, I think yur really shexhi...'
>You knew this, of course.
>She's tried to subtly bring the subject up with you before, but it invariably ends with her tiptoeing around the topic, then blurting something embarrassing before disappearing in a cloud of marinara
>It's endearing, but also annoying
>'...aaaand I wanted to shtop by and ashk if you wanted to shcr- OH MAN LOOK AT THAT COUCH!'
>She stares intently at your beautiful couch, and for some reason you begin to REALLY notice how filthy Fluttershy is
>It seems being drunk inhibited her already weak flying abilities, and it looks like she stomped through every mud puddle and flowerbed in Ponyville on the way here
>You position yourself between her and the couch
I don't fucking think so
>Fluttershy gets this mischievously playful look in her eye and preps herself to sprint
>You ready your pimp hand;  You're not afraid to give this yellow troll five across the face
>It's not like she could get past you, anyway
>She's drunk, and you're prepared for-
>'HEY ANON, WHO'S AT THE DOOR?'
>Rainbow shouts from the next room, causing you to jump slightly
>And that slight confusion was all Flutters needed
>She darts between your legs, knocks over an end table, and vaults into the air
>Rainbow does nothing but watch in morbid fascination as Fluttershy bellyflops onto the couch and starts rolling around
>As she wallows she seems to make sure she touches every inch of exposed suede, covering it with mud
>You're almost too shocked for words
Fluttershy!  Get off the couch, you're tracking mud everywhere!
>She stops for a second
>'What, are you Rarity now?  It'sh jusht a shtupid couch, Anon!'
>Just a couch
>For some reason this statement pisses you off to no end
>She starts bucking on the couch, grinding her back hooves deep into the suede
>'BUCK! YO! COUCH! ANON!  BUCK YO COUCH!'
>She giggles and carries on for a minute before realizing that you're frozen with rage
>You don't even know why you're this angry
>But, you have a convenient outlet for your frustration
>You dart over and punch Fluttershy in the stomach
>She lets out an 'oomf' as the wind is knocked out of her, and you proceed to beat the shit out of Fluttershy
>Well, pretty much just her legs
>For some reason, you're compelled to work the legs
>After seeing what you're doing you expect Rainbow to try and stop you, but she doesn't
>She actually joins in, and you swear you can hear her mumble 'Take that you stupid cunt' and 'Welcome to Ponyville, faggot'
>When you finish dumping your rage onto Fluttershy, you yell at her to get the fuck out of your house
>For some reason, she takes offense to that and starts bitching you out
>'Fine!  I've been kicked out of better homes than this!'
>She can't use her back legs now, so she army crawls towards the door
>'I'll be back!  You silly motherbuckers!  Hot monkey dick havin' MOTHERBUCKERS!'
>She gets to the door, and before she leaves she shouts:
>'THEY SHOULDA NEVER GAVE YOU ZIGGERS MONEY!'
>She crawls outside, and you slam the door behind her
>God damn it
>Fucking Fluttershy