Hey. It's weird to contact you in this way but I guess it's a safe way to do so for now.

First thing, I apologize for leaving you feeling betrayed. That was not my intention at all. I knew what I did would hurt you to some degree but I'd hoped it wouldn't really matter since I didn't suspect you were actually that attached.

I'm aware that being one's friend comes with certain obligations; among them, is living up to your word. I value my word and do everything I can to keep it, but under some circumstances, I just break and can't be the supportive presence people seem to expect me to be. This past year for me has been the most difficult I've ever had to endure, even more so than the year I was homeless twice. There's been quite a lot I just have not been able to handle. And to be honest, I've hardly been around for anyone 7 months out of this year. You could say I got that self-absorbed IRL. Irritable, too.

As for the debacle on Xephyr, I remorsefully stand by the notion that I should have asked the general consensus before giving you access there. But it was a weak emotional time for me when I gave you access, so I didn't put much forethought into potential community fallout. That was fully my bad.

To respond to your quote excerpts:

1. I think in severing ties, I did indeed hurt you. My life hit its worst this year and I simply have not felt like ME for a very, very long time. I've grown quite abrasive this year, and refused to talk to my absolute closest friends this year out of fear of hurting them or just being completely apathetic. Still, it is nice to see that our conversations meant so much to you; I did at least enjoy our music and RB conversations.

2. The thing that happened to me that has made me have difficulties staying attached to you (and a few others) is something that happened to me and my family IRL this year, not something you or anyone else in this community were responsible for. Someone who lives very near you, physically, did some particularly awful things to us this year, and it was someone we all trusted greatly; now I seem to be having some trust issues with people from the same part of Florida as he. (I also am having troubles with certain people who bear physical or mental similarities to this person.) The event was not you, or anyone else here, you just got caught up in the wake of someone who has affected me very harshly IRL and online.

3. It is true that I found the lists to be quite pressuring. A large part of the reason is because I /am/ gone so frequently, and seeing a list of things I have managed to miss over my several absences gets to be a bit overwhelming, especially when from more than one person. I think it's perfectly fine to use spreadsheets and lists to keep track of things, but maybe next time don't make it so apparent that it's an active task you have to maintain. Made me feel like a pain in the ass a number of times TBQH.


I do not find you to be a bad person. But there are a lot of personal issues that are keeping me from being able to comfortably interact with you and a number of other people. I hope they are issues I can cope with quickly, but I don't know. Everything's just been so, so messed up. I imagine myself approaching you eventually once I actually feel normal but until then I have to deal with my current clamshell self.

I don't know if this even eases or explains anything for you. Sorry if it just confuses you more or opens doors for more questions. But it boils down to me having pretty much the most tremendously awful year yet and almost completely clamming up because of it.

I want you to still have fun doing things though. I'm sorry again that I left you feeling betrayed. But I do wish you good fortune and safety.