Religion is Bullshit (Bible Edition)

Exodus 33:22 & 33:23
(God makes Moses talk to his ass so he doesn't see God's face.)
--- "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts."


Genesis 19:07 & 19:08
(Take my daughters and have them gangraped.)
--- "And Lot went out at the door unto them, and said do not so wickedly. Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known men, let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes, only unto these men do nothing..."


Numbers 31:17 & 31:18
(Kill all little boys and little girls, unless the little girl is a virgin, then keep her for your sick rape fantasy.)
--- "Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known men by lying with them. But all the women children, that hath not known a man by lying with them, keep alive for yourselves."


Deuteronomy 28:30 - 28:31 & 28:35
(God being spiteful and explaining his torture to men that disobey his teaching.)
--- "You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and rape her. You will build a house, but you will not live in it. You will plant a vineyard, but you will not even begin to enjoy its fruit. Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes, but you will eat none of it. Your donkey will be forcibly taken from you and will not be returned. Your sheep will be given to your enemies, and no one will rescue them... The Lord will afflict your knees and legs with painful boils that cannot be cured, spreading from the soles of your feet to the top of your head."


Leviticus 19:19
(It's a sin to wear clothes made of two fabrics.)
--- "Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material."


Leviticus 19:27
(It's a sin to shave your temples or beards.)
--- "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads."


Leviticus 09:10
(Eating shellfish is a sin.)
--- "All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you."


Exodus 23:19
(Um... it's a sin to boil your baby in your titty milk)
--- "Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother’s milk."


Leviticus 15:19 & 15:20
(When a girl's on her period, everything she touches becomes sinful and dirty.)
--- "When a woman has a discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days; and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening. Everything also on which she lies during her menstrual impurity shall be unclean, and everything on which she sits shall be unclean."


Deuteronomy 25:11 & 25:12
(If you emasculate your husband by trying to protect him, your husband will cut your hand off.)
--- "When men fight with one another, and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand."


Matthew 21:18 - 21:22
(Jesus is a spoiled brat that kills trees for not having the fruit he wants them to.)
--- "Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered."


2 Kings 23:20 - 23:25
(Kill and burn Pagans to ash according to God's law.)
--- "He [Josiah] executed the priests of the pagan shrines on their own altars, and he burned human bones on the altars to desecrate them. He did this in obedience to all the laws written in the scroll that Hilkiah the priest had found in the LORD’s Temple. Never before had there been a king like Josiah, who turned to the LORD with all his heart and soul and strength, obeying all the laws of Moses. And there has never been a king like him since."


Leviticus 25:44 - 25:46
(Slaves are okay to own and they are property, not people. As long as they are foreign. You could even pass them on to your children as a form of inheritance.)
--- "You may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance. You may treat your slaves like this, but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way."


Ephesians 06:05
(If you're a slave, you must obey and fear your masters, just like humans fear Christ.)
--- "Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ."


Deuteronomy 21:18 - 21:21
(If your son fucks girls and drinks alcohol, you can put him to death by letting old people throw rocks at him)
--- "If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die."


Leviticus 20:15
(Don't fuck the family dog, or you and the dog will both be killed)
--- "If a man has sex with an animal, he must be put to death, and the animal must be killed."


Deuteronomy 23:01
(If you have no balls or penis, you're not allowed to follow God. Wow, God even hates the handicapped.)
--- "No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the LORD."


Leviticus 21:17 - 21:23
(If you're blind, stupid, have a funny nose, have a broken hand or foot, a midget, or a blemish near your eye, you cannot serve God, nor enter a place of worship. Now that's really hating the handicapped.)
--- "Whosoever … hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookback, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken … He shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries."


1 Kings 03:16 - 03:28
(King Solomon cut a newborn baby in half in the name of God, for justice.)
--- "Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.” The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!” But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!” Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.” When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice."


Genesis 32:22 - 32:31
(Jesus dislocated Jacob's hip using magic in an all-night wrestling match, then changed his name from Jacob to Israel.)
---- And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
"And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him. And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob. And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed."


Genesis 38:38
(God told a dude to sleep with his brother-in-law's wife to give her a kid, but the dude pulled out when he came, so God killed him.)
--- "Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death."


Genesis 05:05 - 05:07
(Adam was alive for 930 years... totally believable.)
--- "Adam lived 930 years, and then he died."


2 Kings 02:23 - 02:24
(A girl got teased for being bald, so God sent two bears to kill all of them.)
--- "And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them."