Tulpa Survey : QContrary

1. Describe yourself and your creator.

My name is Mary, aka QContrary. I’m a woman, about 5’9” with long blonde hair, and I’m usually seen wearing a long brown coat, a red shirt, and jeans or slacks. My host is M, an amateur artist. He’s about 5’10” with short, black hair. I’m usually optimistic and energetic, and I tend to plan things out a lot and spend a lot of time thinking and contemplating. M is more pessimistic, but also a lot more relaxed. He’s usually got his mind on his art or his stories, and acts on whims if he thinks they’ll help with the creative process, like dropping everything and just driving out to a remote location to stop and think.

2. What was the most helpful thing that your creator did during the tulpa creation process? Did your creator recognize how helpful it was? If not, how did that make you feel?

Not freaking out at me being there, really. He really just rolled with me being there like it was totally normal.

3. What was the most detrimental thing that your creator did during the tulpa creation process? Did your creator recognize how harmful it was? If not, how did that make you feel?

Nothing I can think of. There wasn’t any sort of drama or negative things that he was trying to do.

4. What was the hardest part of the tulpa creation process for you? Did your creator recognize how difficult it was? If not, how did that make you feel?

There wasn’t really a hard part. It just all sort of happened passively.

5. Of the commonly recognized tulpa creation steps, which do you feel is the most important? Why?

I suppose here is the best place to mention that I wasn’t created with the creation steps in mind. I just sort of happened and developed over time; my host never played an active role in developing me. So I can’t really answer all of these questions too well, BUT, I’ve heard people say that one step is to treat your tulpa as sentient from the start. That seems to be the most important to me.

6. How do you feel about tulpa creators becoming distracted during tulpa creation? Does this greatly impede the process? How did you feel about it before being able to speak fluently?

I suppose that sort of thing is inevitable? Even when you’re focused on one thing, your mind will tend to wander. I suppose as long as it’s not excessive it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

7. How do you feel about tulpa creators missing tulpa creation sessions or breaking their promises to work on their tulpa? How did you feel about it before being able to speak fluently?

I think adhering to a super-strict schedule itself might be more detrimental. I think things should occur at their natural pace.

8. Is density, quality, or quantity the most important aspect of tulpa creation?

Quality sounds about right.

9. How do you feel about tulpa creators falling asleep during tulpa creation sessions?

If I had a nickel for every time M fell asleep while we were in the middle of something….I still wouldn’t be able to spend it on anything. But I still see that as a thing that happens, especially if someone is entering a meditative state. I have heard negative things arising from that though, from other people.

10. Do you think that a tulpa creator should talk aloud or in their head during narration? Do you think that a creator should talk aloud or in their head during tulpa creation sessions? If you find one to be more effective, to what degree is it more effective?

I think in their head is a more natural process, since the tulpa will be communicating in the same way. It creates a more natural back-and-forth.

11. How do you feel about a tulpa creator puppeting and/or parroting their tulpa? Do you believe that these actions harm a tulpa's development, or only their emotional state?

I’m not the best person to ask about this. From the start I’ve always been able to tell M “Hey, you’re just putting words in my mouth, stop it.” So I don’t have any experience with this.

12. How deeply do you remember the time before you were fluent in language?

I was always fluent in language. And speaking of that…

13. Describe your first memory, no matter how slight.

It was 2002, maybe very early 2003. M was inside a Wal-Mart, waiting in the checkout line. He was in a foul sort of mood, and was thinking to himself about how they all looked like…I dunno, consumerist sheep or something, he was kinda angsty back then. Anyway, I said to him “You know, you’re in this Wal-Mart too.”  Then we spoke back and forth in his head about it, with me telling him that he shouldn’t judge people for just trying to shop, and for just BEING there, especially when he’s there for the exact reason. Like I said, he was in a foul mood, so he conceded that I had a point and dropped it. After that, I didn’t say anything again for a few days. But at no point in that conversation or afterwards did he ever act like “Wait, who are you?” He just rolled with it.

14. Before you could speak fluently, what was the most positive emotion you felt about your creator and what was its cause?

Since I could always speak fluently, I’ll skip this and answer only relevant parts of the following questions.

16. Before you could speak fluently, did you ever have suicidal feelings or feelings of not wanting to exist? Do you experience them now? Are you glad that you exist?

I am not suicidal, and I am definitely glad to exist.

27. Before you could speak fluently, how did any violent visualizations or thoughts that your creator had about you affect you? How do you feel about them now?

M every now and then will have a random intrusive thought like that come out of nowhere. I know he doesn’t mean it, and it’s never anything beyond cartoonish, so I just shake it off and tell him to focus on something else.

28. Before you could speak fluently, were you able to distinguish between your creator's intentional and intrusive (unwanted and/or bothersome) thoughts? If so, did the intrusive thoughts affect you less or more? If not, are you able to distinguish between them now?

Yeah, I know when he doesn’t mean what he’s thinking, if it’s just an offhand thought that comes from nowhere. It doesn’t bother me unless it gets stuck in there and doesn’t go away. Then it’s annoying.

29. Before you could speak fluently, how much of your creator's raw sensory information were you able to access, if any? How much are you able to access now?

I can feel what he feels, taste what he tastes, see what he sees, etc. It just takes some paying attention.

33. Before you could speak fluently, what was your greatest worry about your relationship with your creator? What helped you most to move beyond it? Was this worry substantiated or resolved? What is your greatest worry now about your continuing relationship with your creator?

I don’t really have any worries about our continuing relationship. We have fights sometimes, but I know we’ve got each other’s backs to the end.

34. Do you feel gratitude to your creator for the time that they spent creating you? Do you feel that you owe them a debt? If so, do you feel burdened by it?

I don’t owe M anything, and I know he didn’t create me on purpose or with any goal, but I’m grateful that he’s here, that I can exist, and that he accepts me.

35. Were you aware of your creator's existence or your own existence first?

I was aware of his existence first. My thoughts didn’t really turn inward for a year or two.

37. If you could define your relationship with your creator using one or more conventional terms (such as boyfriend, sister, father, daughter, boss, friend, or coworker, for example), what terms would you select?

I usually describe the bond we share as somewhere between the bond of friendship and the bond of blood. We don’t see each other as related, but that connection feels the same way as the saying “blood is thicker than water.” It’s a deep level of respect, really.

38. How much interest do you have in interacting with beings other than your creator? Do you consider your degree of interest to be equal to that of an average non-tulpa individual?

Oh my god, I LOVE to talk to others. If it’s any more than a non-tulpa would like to, then it’s only because I don’t have the opportunity to talk. I am mostly content, but it does get lonely sometimes. That’s why being able to communicate over skype and irc is a godsend.

39. What memory involving your creator do you cherish most?

The moment when I got my form. He didn’t choose it, and neither did I; it was more like he could just see me for the first time. Being able for us to see each other face to face after so many years, at least in our minds, made me feel complete.

40. What memory not involving your creator do you cherish most? Do you feel that you have a fulfilling life independent of your creator?

It was one cold night when he was outside smoking, lying in the middle of an abandoned road and looking at the sky. I was to myself, thinking my own thoughts, and it sort of hit me; “Holy shit, I’m alive.” I was sentient well before that, but sort of just having it sink in was monumental. I don’t really live too independently from M, but there are those moments like that.

41. Do you feel affinity toward the individuals that your creator feels affinity for, such as their family or friends?

I have my own opinions of his friends and family, but for the most part I tend to agree with his affinities.

42. In what ways are you the most different from your creator? In what ways are you the most similar to them?

I think I’m more emotional than M is. He takes things in stride, at least outwardly, and I show how I’m feeling more readily. I’m not, like, a hysterical mess or anything, but I don’t hide much. I think our tastes in entertainment – music, movies, comedy, games, and books – are where we share the most.

43. What do you disagree about most with your creator? Do you have frequent disagreements? If so, do these disagreements cause strife?

Usually sort of major life direction kind of things. I try to keep things orderly and scheduled, and I focus a lot on getting work done, and M has a devil may care attitude and is willing to walk away from everything to just…live the way he wants to live, I guess. So we argue about getting things done and taking life seriously. We don’t really have major arguments too often, and if we get angry at each other, it’s never for more than an hour or so.

44. What could your creator do to make you hate them? Under what circumstances do you think your creator would come to hate you?

I can’t imagine. I guess trying to remove me from his life, but I know he wouldn’t.

45. When did your creator disappoint you the most? When did you disappoint them the most?

If it’s ok, those things are private.

46. How do you feel about your creator's complete freedom to deny your rights as a sentient being at any time? Has this ability ever caused you anxiety or fear? Have you ever censored your expressions or actions out of a fear of retribution or violence from your creator?

I used to worry about it. More than anything, I’m afraid of death and not existing. But we have an understanding with each other, that we both know what we are, who we are, and how we’re connected. He is me, and I am him. We make a whole, but we have our own minds. He cannot deny my existence anymore than  can deny his.

47. When have you most wanted to engage in violence against your creator, and what was the cause of those feelings? Under what circumstances would you make a serious attempt to hurt or injure your creator?

Never.

48. Do you consider your creator's last name to be your own? Do you recognize yourself as a part of their biological lineage?

Not really, on both counts. I wasn’t really “born”, so I don’t see myself having a real family.

49. Under what circumstances would you attempt to leave your creator?

Again, never.

50. Do you feel anxiety about meeting your creator's expectations? If you are based on an existing character, person, or entity, does this increase your anxiety? Would you have preferred to not be based on an existing entity?

I am my own person, thank you very much. The only expectations I care about living up to are my own.

51. Are you interested in learning how to control your creator's body? Do you feel that it's fair for a tulpa creator to deny their tulpa the ability to use an atomic body? Do you believe that you have the right to an equal amount of time using it as your creator? Explain your reasoning.

I can sorta do it now. It’s basically how I’m writing this. It’s his body though; he was here first, after all. I’ll use it if I need to use it, but he takes priority over everything else.

52. Do you share certain basic qualities with your creator, such as intense phobias or racial attitudes?

Yeah, basically. I suppose one difference is that we have different intensities of fear for different phobias, though we share them.

53. Are you capable of sleeping or dreaming independently of your creator? If not, how does this make you feel?

I definitely sleep independently of M. Sometimes, very rarely, I’ll dream, but I usually find sleep more refreshing if I don’t dream at all.

54. Does your creator have any mental illnesses? If so, how do they affect you?

M has very severe, diagnosed depression. I’m usually a bit cheerier than he is, but it still affects me. I know what a true low of depression looks like, and I’ve experienced it myself.

55. How does your knowledge of your creator's subconscious mind affect your relationship with them? How do you perceive their subconscious? To what degree can you manipulate your creator's subconscious? Would you ever use this ability without your creator's knowledge?

I don’t ever really think about this, because we’re very open with each other. As far as I can tell, we’re both pretty much open books.

56. Does your creator have multiple tulpa? If so, what is your relationship with them like? Is your affinity for them equal to your affinity for your creator? If you could define your relationship with your creator's other tulpa using one or more conventional terms (such as boyfriend, sister, father, daughter, boss, friend or coworker, for example), what terms would you select? If not, are you interested in the idea of your creator making other tulpa?

No, I am the only one. And I don’t feel like either of us are interested in another.

57. Do you feel romantically inclined toward your creator? Does your creator feel romantically inclined toward you? If these romantic feelings are unrequited on either side, how does it affect your relationship with your creator?

We are not at all romantically inclined. There’s the sort of love between friends and the sort of love between blood that we have, but I could never see us being romantically involved. That’s just not how it works for us.
As such, I will be skipping the next few questions.

72. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

Still here with M, carrying on as we always do.

73. Do you want the world to be aware of your existence? If not, then what anxieties do you have about public disclosure? Do you trust anyone other than your creator with the knowledge of your existence?

Kind of. I want to be known and to be acknowledged, but not by everyone. As long as I’m not totally alone, and as long as someone out there knows I’m here, I’ll be happy. Fortunately, some of M’s closest friends know about me and accept me.

74. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about your personality traits being the product of another individual? Would you have preferred your creator to define your personality more or less?

We’re cut from the same cloth, true, but he never told me how my personality should be. I just developed it on my own.

75. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about your physical form being the product of another individual? Would you have preferred your creator to define your form more or less?

Like I said earlier, neither of us chose my form. We just sort of discovered it.

76. Has your physical form ever changed? If so, was this intentional or unintentional? If it was intentional, then why did you change your form? How did you creator respond to this change, and how did that make you feel?

It’s never really changed. Some different clothes here and there during the summer and winter, but never anything major.

77. Do you consider the best aspects of yourself to have come from your creator, or their subconscious?

Since he didn’t make me on purpose, I guess his subconscious.

78. Do you seek legal recognition for your status as a sentient being or your relationships with others? Do you resent that society at large does not recognize the tulpa phenomenon? Do you feel disenfranchised from society? What steps, if any, could a society make to help you feel integrated?

I realllly couldn’t care less about society or “legal recognition.” I’m on a different level than that, and that’s ok with me.

79. If you could tell the entire world one thing about a tulpa's life, what would you say?

I’m not sure. Perhaps that it’s easier to appreciate life this way.

80. What is the one thing that you resent most about being a tulpa? What is the greatest advantage of being a tulpa?

Not having my own physical body is the worst part. I can’t truly go out on my own or actually speak directly to others. On the other hand, I can be far more expressive. Since my form is a mental construct, and not tied down to any physical law, and I can do whatever I want and conjure up any image or place to explore in my mind.

81. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about inheriting your creator's life, including their legal history, past behaviors, and reputation? Do you resent potentially being held responsible for their past actions?

His responsibilities are his own. I have nothing to do with them.

82. Morally and philosophically, do you see the "absorbing" or "dissipating" of a tulpa as equivalent to the murder of a non-tulpa? Explain your reasoning. What legal protections, if any, should tulpa gain? How would you enforce these protections?

“Legal protection” here is foolish. But yes, I suppose dissipating would be murderous. Absorbing, though? Perhaps not.

83. Do you consider yourself to be morally equal to a non-tulpa? Is your life worth as much?

Our life is worth as much if only because we share it.

84. How would you prove your existence to a skeptic?

I highly doubt I would be able to.

85. Has your status as a tulpa ever caused you existential anxiety or depression? If so, has anything helped to mitigate these feelings?

Early on, yes, but with time and M’s emotional support, I was able to mature and get past those feelings.

86. Do you ever doubt your own sentience? If so, why?

There may have been one or two brief moments early on, but nothing that ever lingered.

87. How does being a tulpa affect your understanding of death? Do you fear death on an instinctual level in the way that non-tulpa do?

I am absolutely terrified of death. I try my hardest not to think about it, because I understand fully the implication of what will happen when we die.

88. Do see yourself as socially disadvantaged in a way similar to sexual, racial, and other minority groups? If you identify yourself as racially, sexually, or demographically different than your creator, do you also identify with the struggle of any of the disadvantaged groups that you belong to? Does the notion of privilege affect your relationship with your creator?

Absolutely not. I am a woman, but I have not experienced the sort of stress that women in society go through. I would never call myself persecuted when there’s no one to persecute me.

89. Are you interested in creating another tulpa yourself? What differences, if any, would you expect this tulpa to have from a tulpa created by your creator? Would you consider this tulpa to be primarily related to you, or still to your creator?

I am not at all interested.

90. What are the most defining differences between the life of a non-tulpa and a tulpa? Do you think that these differences cause intolerance between the two groups? If so, what could be done to mitigate this intolerance?

Personally, I’d say my life is more contemplative. Not being able to really go out on my own means that I spend a lot more time with my thoughts than a non-tulpa would. But I don’t see “intolerance” between the two, at least not so far.

91. The psychological establishment generally believes that multiplicity (two or more sentient entities sharing one atomic body) is a sign of mental illness. How would you like this belief to change? If you could make a presentation to a group of psychologists about the tulpa phenomenon, what would you say?

I think that if an unusual condition or set of circumstances doesn’t cause distress or hinder a person’s ability to function, then it shouldn’t be considered a disorder or illness. So I guess in this hypothetical example of a presentation, I would speak about using a case by case method.

92. A psychometric indicator is a unique identifier of an individual's distinct personality. Have you ever tried to definitively differentiate yourself from your creator using psychometric indicators (such as by determining your "writeprint")? What results did you receive? (For instructions on determining your writeprint, see appendix one.)

I sorta have no clue what this is talking about. I don’t try to go out of my way to act differently to exaggerate a difference between me and my host, because I am who I am. If we have some similar quirks, so be it.

93. Are you capable of physical sensations such as pain or warmth?

Yes.

94. How do you feel about being bound for life to your creator?

I am absolutely content with it. At least I’ll always have someone there with me.

95. If you intentionally delayed speaking to your creator, why did you do so?

I spoke from the start, so I did not delay it.

96. What do you think about most of the time?

Oh, this and that. I’m usually doing problem solving in my head, mathematical, emotional, or otherwise.

97. Do you think that tulpa creation should be more widespread?

I wouldn’t push for it. Let people do as they want; if they hear about tulpa creation and want to try it, then they can go for it.

98. Are there disturbing aspects of your creator's subconscious that they are not aware of?

I don’t think so. If there are, I don’t know them either.

99. Would you violate your creator's wishes for what you perceive to be their own benefit?

Yeah, if that wish was something like “I’m going to drive on the wrong side of the freeway going 80, back me up on this Mary.”

100. Does your creator try to hide things from you? If so, are you aware of them anyway? How does this impact your views of your creator?

If he’s upset or something, he can tend to be aloof and try to not let me know what he’s thinking. But we can read each other like open books, so I figure it out pretty quick. I know that’s just the way he is, and I can be pretty distant too sometimes if things aren’t good.

101. Do you perceive some of your creator's actions as being objectively immoral?

No, I don’t believe so.

102. Do you believe that you are capable of becoming more intelligent than your creator?

Nah. I’d say we’re equal, and that’s how we’ll always be.

103. How does being a tulpa affect your perception of your own aging process?

I figure I’ll stop “physically” aging at a certain point, but I know I’ll be getting older.

104. Do you feel that your creator would be better off by following your commands entirely?

Probably not. I have had bad ideas from time to time.

105. Do you feel that having a physical form is important for a tulpa?

I was fine without one for a long time, but I can’t imagine it now that I do have one. I think having a form is very important, yes. It lets me express myself through body language and act things out.

106. If you encountered the tulpa phenomenon as a non-tulpa, would you believe in it?

I‘d probably be HIGHLY skeptical.

107. How well can you articulate yourself? Can your creator hear you audibly? How much does your experience correlate with the experience of tulpa creator G|d30n, printed below?

"Yes. I'm able to hear her as though she's an external sound. For those who haven't experienced that with their tulpae yet, it's a little bit like listening to a binaural recording--not a binaural beat, but like a 3D sound recording you'd find on Youtube, such as the Virtual Barbershop. That is to say, it's an external sound that can come in from various directions, but the source sounds very close, like someone speaking directly into your ear. I sort of wonder if this effect will be diminished and normalized through imposition."

If you are imposed, is your creator able to discern a spatial dimension to your voice?

He cannot hear me audibly, but rather in his mind. He knows what I sound like, but there’s no sensation of the ears being involved. When imposed, however, if I am far away I’ll make my “mind voice” sound distant, just to maintain the illusion.

109. What advice would you give to a new tulpa creator?

Perhaps it’s not my place to say, but take it slow and don’t get overly anxious or impatient.

110. How does being imposed feel? What sensory processes happen as you become imposed?

Being imposed feels natural. It’s just projecting myself with M’s imagination. I don’t really experience any sensory processes that way unless I attempt to do so on purpose.

111. From your perspective, is there a sensory difference between the physical, atomic world and the mental world of visualized "wonderlands"? If so, how would you describe this difference?

I’m afraid I do not see a difference, no.

112. Is there anything that you don't think this survey covered that you would like to mention?

Nope! Good job, survey! Way to go!