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- Ramps:
- my school had a lot of long ramps instead of stairs that went throughout the school and there was this one ramp that was a good couple hundred feet long and every few days during class when nobody was in the halli would take a garbage can at the top of the ramp and roll it down the ramp and it would gain so much speed and just slam into the wall and garbage would fly everywhere and the first few times i did it i never heard anyone talk about it but one day i was rolling it down the ramp and some guy at the end of the ramp just walked through the door to see what the hell that rolling noise was and by the time he came around the corner it was too late and he was like 'HOLY ****' and the garbage can just slammed into him and knocked him on his ass and i was like 'oh ****' and got the **** out of there and later that day there was an announcement on all the intercoms and it was the principal and he was like 'as some of you are aware someone has been rolling garbage cans down the east wing ramp and someone was seriously injured today and i will be offering a hundred dollar reward to any information on who is doing this' and thank god i didnt tell anyone i was doing it because someone would have narced me out but he was like 'this is a serious incident and we will catch whoever is doing this' so i laid off the garbage can rolling for a while but man i wonder what happened to the guy the can hit
- Woodshop:
- so our school had a woodshop class and i didnt like the guy who taught it but it was all the way in the basement and there were stairs leading up to it that went all the way up to the third floor so i started going on bathroom breaks and i would always go to the top of the stairs on the third floor and drop a nickel down the gap between the stairs so it would fall all the way down to the basement and land on this metal cabinet and make a loud ass bang when the guy was teaching class and at first i did it once every few days but then i started dropping the nickel at random times every day and i did it for weeks and eventually i could hear the teacher yelling "HEY CUT THAT OUT" and "IM GONNA GET YOU" so i upped it one and started dropping marbles and it was even ****ing louder and one day he just yelled "GOD DAMMIT" and i heard him running up the steps but i was ****ing out of there and he never caught me and he ended up putting a pillow on top of the cabinet so i took a cup of ketchup and dropped that on his pillow and the next day i looked and the entire cabinet was gone but there was still the hard concrete floor so i kept dropping stuff until the day i graduated and he never caught me
- History Class:
- i was chillin in history class one day and there is a bookshelf by the window and thats where i sat so my friend was like 'yo dude throw a book out the window you wont' so i was like 'ok' so i grabbed a bigass book and just chucked it out the window and it made this bigass thud and must have landed on a car because the car alarm went off and everyone turned and looked at me and the teacher didnt even see it happen but he knew it was me and he was like 'john did you throw that book out the window' and i was like 'no' and he was like 'yea you did' so for the rest of the year i had to sit up in the very front but there were some hot chicks sitting up there so i was cool with it
- Do it NOW:
- since i had to sit up front in that one teachers class i would spend even more time messing with him and he used to show these movies and documentaries he taped off of TV so when the commercial break came on he would have to get up and fast forward it on the vcr and hed be watching to see when to hit play and i'd just **** with him and be like 'do it NOW' and he would hit play and it would still be mid commercial break and i got him every time and finally he was like 'fine you have to do it from now on' so when i went up i hit eject and took the tape and ran down the hall with it and didnt come back to class and he was so pissed i dunno what he did but i was in a class later that day and someone came on the intercom and called me to the office and the entire school heard it but i didnt go so that night i went home and taped porn over the tape i took and the next day gave it back to him and we never finished watching it but im sure when he showed it to his class the next year he was like 'goddamnit john'
- Busting ass:
- every now and then we would have these presentations in the auditorium the whole school would have to watch and it would be dumb **** like 'dont do drugs' and 'dont drink and drive' videos and one time they were showing this video about a guy who got paralyzed in a drunk driver accident and the movie got really emotional and there was this real quiet part where the victim was crying and he was like 'and thats when they told me i would never be able to walk again' and it was real silent and i just busted ass and it was the loudest ****ing fart i ever ripped and the whole ****ing auditorium heard it and everyone just started laughing their asses off and even the guy showing the movie started laughing and i would have gotten away with it but the kid next to me was pissed because the fart smelled worse than 10 indian kids and a taco bell poop and he was like 'OH GOD wtf john IT WAS JOHN' but i got mad props for doing it and that fart was talked about all day
- On/Off:
- i bought this thing that goes through all the remote codes for TVs and sends the "power on/off" signal to them so you could pretty much walk into a best buy and shut off all the tvs at once using this thing so i brought it into school and confused the hell out of teachers for weeks with this thing and it was awesome because every classroom had a tv but cable wasnt hooked up so when they turned on it would be loud static and **** so i would do it while teachers were talking and it would scare the hell out of them and they would be like 'why does this tv keep turning on this is so weird' and i would use it while we were watching movies and turn the tv off and one teacher got so fed up he was like 'i guess this tv isnt working so we cant watch the movie' but eventually word got out that i had a remote that did it so every time it happened the teachers just assumed it was me and one day the principal called me into his office and was like 'im told you have a remote that turns all the tvs off' and i was like 'i dont know what you are talking about' but i actually had it up my sleeve and the principal was like 'you need to give it to me now or ill give you ID' which was internal detention so i was like 'i really have no idea what you are talking about' and i hit the button and turned on the TV behind him and he was like 'huh would you look at that my TV just turned on' and i was like 'thats weird' so hes like 'cut the crap give me the remote' so i gave him this other black electronic looking thing i had that actually made beeps at random time intervals like every 5 to 10 minutes and its designed to drive people nuts and he was like 'wow i didnt think it would look like this' so he took it and kept it in his desk and i wonder how long it beeped before he figured out it was my thing doing it
- Fallout tunnel blazing:
- our school was built during the cold war so it had all these underground tunnels that led to a bomb shelter incase the russians decided to nuke pennsylvania but the school closed the tunnels down and said anyone who went in there would be arrested for tresspassing but the janitors still used the tunnels and people went down there all the time to blaze so i was down there once with a few of my friends and we were smokin like crazy and all of the sudden i heard one of the janitors come down and everyone was like '**** just be quiet he wont find us' and just then he walked into the tunnel we were blazing in and i was thinkin '**** man we are screwed' but he was like 'yo you boys tokin up' and i was like 'uhhhh' and hes like 'yo let me hit that ****' so i was like 'aight word' and we were blazing with the janitor for a while and he ended up being cool as **** so for the next couple of weeks we smoked with tony the janitor and one time we were smoking and the assistant principal went into the tunnels and was like 'HEY WHO IS IN THERE' and the janitor was like 'oh **** we gots to get outta here' so he just ran off and me and my friends ran after him and i heard footsteps chasing us but we kept running through the tunnels and following the janitor and he musta known where he was going so we kept following him and ran for ****ing ever and we got to the end of a tunnel with a ladder and he was like 'this goes up to the football field' so we climbed it and ended up in some toolshed at the end of the football field and the second i got out i just ran across the street to my car and drove home because i didnt want to stick around but holy **** man that was nuts
- Rugby recruitment:
- when i was on the rugby team during pre-season we had to put flyers around the school to get people to join the team so they made me make flyers and put them up so i made a bunch of offensive flyers and put them in strategic locations so the first one i made was a picture of a guy in a stretcher being loaded into an ambulance and it said "PLAY RUGBY" and i put a couple of those up and then i made a bunch that said "JOIN RUGBY OR ELSE YOU ARE A *****" and put them up and then i put some in the bathroom and i taped some over the soap dispensers that said "REAL MEN DONT USE SOAP - JOIN RUGBY YA *****" and taped to the doors of the stalls it said "it takes balls to take a dump in a public restroom - JOIN RUGBY' and i even put some outside the spanish classrooms that said "usted tiene cojones? ensamble rugby pendejo' which translated to 'do you have balls? join rugby dickhead' or something like that and some others said stuff like 'JOIN RUGBY OR ILL RAPE YOUR MOM' and the school was littered with these things and people would come in to class laughing with the flyers and be like 'holy **** dude did you see these ****ing rugby flyers' and before noon they were all torn down and i thought i was gonna be in deep **** and i was just waiting to be called to the office but it didnt happen but later that day my friend mike who was the captain of the team was like 'dude you gotta tell the principal you did the flyers because they are talking about suspending me and all this ****' and mike was a good kid with a 4 GPA and all this **** and i was a ****-up so i didnt want him getting in trouble so i went to the office and all the flyers were laid out on the table and some of the office staff were laughing at them and i looked at the principal and was like 'i made these flyers' and he was like 'you are sick' and they ended up suspending me for a week
- Douchebags:
- we were all in the auditorium once for some dumbass awards ceremony for the douchebags of the school and this one douche was sitting in front of me and he got called up for an award so he went up and everyone was watching him and we were sitting in those movie-theater style chairs where they spring back up once you get out of them but i was able to stick my foot under his chair and pry it down so it looked like it was in the "sit on me" position so he was coming back to his seat and saw it was already down so he turned around and as soon as he went to sit down i let my foot go and it sprung back up right as he went to sit down and he fell right on his ass while the whole grade was watching and i couldnt stop laughing but he had no idea wtf happened he was like 'i could have sworn that seat was down' and i was like 'these seats spring back up dumbass what were you thinking' and later in the year i got the same kid again because we each had to walk up to the front of the room and sign our report card in front of the teacher so i took the kids pen and its one of those bic pens with the cap you pull off and i discovered that if you slam the pen down on its cap on a hard surface a few times it is nearly impossible to get the cap off of the pen so i did it to his pen and put it back without him noticing and he went up to the front of the room and went to sign the report card and just started struggling to get the cap off and he was pulling so hard at it that you could see the veins bulging in his neck and the teacher was like 'you seriously cant get the cap off of the pen' and hes like 'i dunno what happened to it its glued shut man' so he hands it to the teacher and she tries and is like 'wow thats on there good' and she tried opening it by pushing it on a counter edge and the pen slipped and she smacked her hand on the counter and hurt it and the classic bic pen trick struck again
- Poor Ed:
- back in freshman year i had this bus driver named ed and he was this dirty old man that looked like burt reynolds would look 20 years from now if he did a lot of meth and was jewish but this guy claimed he fought in nam however nobody on the bus respected him and all we would do was **** with him and id do **** like yell 'HEY ED' while he was driving and when he turned around to look i would nail him in the head with a soda can and be like 'EYES ON THE ROAD ED' and he would just shake his head and mumble some back-in-the-day-these-kids **** and everyone on the bus would throw **** everywhere to distract him while he was driving and someone slashed one of the seats in the back and ed duct taped it and every day i would rip off the duct tape and stick it in the slash hole and i did this for a month before ed came back there and was like 'i just taped that up STOP TAKING THE TAPE OFF' so when he went back i took a tuna sandwich i didnt eat yet and stuck it in the hole and taped it back up and that sandwich stayed there the whole year and we kept yelling at ed saying stuff like 'HEY ED' and then 'YOU ARE A *****' and one day my friend was throwing **** out the window at cars and he threw a soda can into this guys sunroof and the guy got behind our bus and followed it to the next stop and he stormed the bus all pissed and was like 'what the **** who ****ing threw that can what if i had kids in the car blah blah blah' and ed wasnt saying **** and he was like 'im not leaving this bus until i find out who threw it so the kid who threw it was like 'i did it' and the guy was like 'bull**** it was YOU' and he pointed to me and i was like 'go **** yourself it wasnt me' so finally he got off the bus no thanks to ed and he kept *****ing at everyone that got off the bus until they called the cops on him but the kid who threw it ended up getting suspended for a week and ed said we couldnt have cans on the bus anymore so we brought plastic bottles and threw those instead and i nailed this old lady in a mercedes while we were stopped at a light and it scared the **** out of her but finally ed must have complained and we got a camera put on the bus so everyone tried to throw stuff at it to break it and one of my friends threw his math book at it but missed and hit the little fan above ed and knocked it over and it hit ed in the face but ed didnt do **** so eventually this one guy just walked up to the camera and punched it to pieces before he got off the bus so the next year on the first day of school i got on the bus and it was a new driver and i was like 'wtf where is ed' and the guy was like 'he requested a different bus' so i went to the back of our bus and ed was on the bus parked behind us so i took a piece of paper and wrote '**** YOU ED' on it and put it up against our window and ed read it and just shook his head in shame
- Teacher in the closet:
- we had this teacher that i called 'mad magazine' because he looked exactly like alfred e newman and every day in science he would come in our room and go into the storage closet and come out like 5 minutes later and he was totally blazing in there and everyone knew it so one day while he was in there i wedged a pen under the door and when he went to open it a few minutes later he opened it too fast and it slid out a few inches before stopping dead and he walked right into the door and smacked his head on it and once he recovered he looked down at the pen on the floor and was like 'how did that get there' and left and my teacher saw me do it and was just like 'you are an evil person' but he was cool with me and he was awesome he used to be a pilot in nam and id always raise my hand in class while he was going over science stuff and be like 'can you tell us about how you bombed charlie' and he would always be like 'not now' and one time i was like 'so did you kill any charlies' and he looked at me and took off his glasses and was like 'you bet your ass i did' and from then on out he was officially my favorite teacher and we both made fun of this vietnamese kid in the class
- Free Oranges:
- there was so much stuff me and my friends did to the cafeteria that i dont even know where to begin so ill start with the bathroom so every day starting sophomore year i would take a free orange from the lunchlady and flush it down the toilet in the bathroom until it started to overflow and i **** you not me or one of my friends would do this at least once a day every day for months and once while i was in internal detention which was right next to the cafeteria bathroom i heard the janitor in there cursing to himself and he was like 'i swear to god man its that ****ing 5th period lunch every ****ing day they gotta come in here and **** with the bathroom never in my 18 years of workin here have i had to deal with **** like this' and i felt kinda bad because the janitor was cool so i decided the next day would be the last day i flushed an orange so me and my friends got an orange and all gathered around the toilet and flushed it and this orange actually got sucked down the pipe and it was rare that they did that but all of the sudden we heard rattling in the wall and then water flowing like a ****ing pipe burst or something and the toilet started to overflow way faster than it normally did so we got the hell out of the bathroom and they ended up letting school out early that day because they had to shut off the water and that bathroom was closed for like a month after that
- Bruno and ol' Stacker:
- now i didnt trash the bathroom just because i was a dick i did it because i hated the 3 teachers who were in charge of our lunch period and one of the teachers was this guy bruno and he had a crooked eye and was a total dick and every time i got in an argument with him he would just send me to the office or make me mop the cafeteria and there was another lady that was just a fatass ***** and another lady we called 'ol stacker' because she was like 80 years old but had the breasts of a 23 year old but she was a ***** too and they all hated the table that i sat at because me and my friends would throw food at each other and make messes and **** and we would make grape cannons out of ziplock bags and throw chairs and tip garbage cans and they would always crack down on us and make us clean up the entire cafeteria whenever they felt like it so one day my friend jim was like '**** you you stupid ****' to stacker and she wrote him up and gave him ID or something so we were pissed so my friend stole a giant bag of ketchup out of the ketchup pumping things and brought it to our table and we took it in the bathroom and i smashed it over the sink and kicked it around the bathroom and smeared it everywhere and we all took turns kicking the ketchup out of it and when we were done it looked like an african village was murdered in the bathroom so we all left and soon after that a kid went in and came running out and told bruno that the bathroom was trashed and bruno went in and i heard him yell 'AW WHAT THE ****' and he came storming over to our table and was like 'all of you get up NOW' and he took like 8 of us out into the hallway and was like 'which one of you trashed the bathroom' and none of us said **** so he was like 'if you dont tell me who did it i am going to have all of you suspended' but still nobody said **** and he couldnt get us suspended but the next day they split up our table and made each person sit in a different corner of the cafeteria and we were blacklisted from the bathroom but they couldnt deny us the bathroom completely so no two people from our group could be in the bathroom at the same time it was like ****ing gang indictment laws
- Cafeteria hyjinx:
- so now that the teachers had split us up we came up with new ways to **** with them and i brought in a bunch of walkie talkies once and we found the frequency that the cafeteria teachers used on their radios and we would just say **** like 'command to mr bruno - go **** yourself' or 'bruno calling stackers - how would you like my **** in your ass' and the teachers were getting pissed and they tried searching my book bag for the walkie talkie but i stuffed it in my pants and they didnt find it and i kept it up for a couple weeks until they found a frequency that our radios couldnt reach so then me and my friends came up with a bunch of meaningless hand signals and we would do them to each other while pointing at the teachers and then nod and the teachers would be like 'HEY STOP THAT' and i was like 'what we arent talking about you' and then point at them and do more hand signals and we would bring footballs in and throw long ass passes across the cafeteria to other kids and one time one of my passes completely missed and hit this random table of freshman and knocked **** ****ing everywhere and they kept our football so that put an end to that but people started realizing that no matter what happened in the cafeteria i would be blamed for it so people started saying "john did it" for everything and even in other lunches i wasnt even in and i would get called to the office and they would be like 'did you punch so and so during 7th period lunch' and i would be like 'wtf no im not even in that lunch' so eventually it was like the boy who cried wolf and the teachers wouldnt believe anyone who tried to say i did it and it was awesome because i could do **** and people would blame me and i would completely get away with it
- Morning after:
- i went to a party once on a tuesday night and i had a test on wednesday but i kept drinking until like 5 in the morning and i was just like 'its cool ill sleep for a little bit and wake up and be sober for school' but when you go to bed hammered at 5 am and wake up at 6:30 am it doesnt work like that so i got my friend alex to drive my car to school and i was still ****ing smashed and i did my best to make it look like i wasnt drunk but i kept stumbling and **** and i made it to homeroom like 10 minutes early and nobody else was in the room so i just sat there thinking if i could make it through the day or not and all of the sudden i had to puke so i ran to where the garbage can was but it wasnt there so i was looking around for a place to puke and was like '**** it may as well be here' so i threw up all over my homeroom teachers desk and i ****ing covered that thing in chunks of whatever the hell i ate the night before and beer and nasty puke juice and i ran the **** out of there before anyone else came in and i went to my car and passed out in the back seat and woke up when a bunch of people were knocking on my window after school let out at like 2:30 and i dunno what happened when the teacher found the puke on her desk and i tried asking people in my homeroom what happened and they said they didnt know and nobody was allowed in the room but they never caught the stealth puker
- The great escape:
- senior year i didnt like the kids in my lunch period so i skipped lunch like every day and went to wendys because they were the only place serving lunch at 10:15 am but nobody was really allowed to leave school but i figured out that if i looked like i was obviously leaving then people assumed i had somewhere to be like drivers ed or i had early dismissal or something so i did it every day and eventually the security lady at the door would even be like 'have a nice day' and nobody questioned me for the longest time but getting back into the school was a different story because i had to go in this side door that was the only unlocked door in the school and one day i came in that door and there was one of the principals named bernelli that didnt know me standing there and he was like 'what were you doing' and i was holding a bag of wendys and i was like 'doctors appointment' and hes like 'were you seeing dr wendy' and then he said 'whats your name' and whenever i hear that its a good sign that if i run they will never know who i was so i took off running down the hallway and bernelli ran after me and was like 'COME BACK HERE' like that would ever work but he was keeping a good pace so i kept running and making turns and i ran down this one hallway and closed the fire doors to delay him but he managed to open it and was catching up to me so i ran down this hall but there were teachers at the end of the hall so i couldnt go that way so i ran into the bathroom and locked the door and bernelli started pounding on it and was like 'OPEN THIS DOOR' and i was like 'someone is in here' and hes like 'if i have to go get the key to unlock this your punishment will be even worse' and i was like 'this bathroom is occupied - just a minute' so i hear him radioing for the janitor to come unlock the door but i had a plan so i went over to the window and punched the screen out and it was only like a 1 story drop to the ground maybe even less so i climbed out the window and dropped to the ground and i quickly ran back inside and ran to my locker and changed my clothes and later that day when i got home i shaved my head and shaved my beard so bernelli wouldnt recognize me and he never found me
- Gravity's a bitch:
- there was this really fat kid i would always see in the halls and i would get stuck behind him as he struggled to climb down the stairs and the fat **** always used the rails on the side to support his whole ****ing body and i never understood how you could be so fat that you needed a rail to get down stairs so i swore i would get this guy for slowing me down so i brought in a screwdriver one day and before the period switch i went to the stairway and loosened all of the screws that held the rail up so the slightest touch would rip the thing out of the wall so i went back to class like normal and then the bell rang and i went to the stairwell and waited for the fat kid to come and i was hoping nobody else would touch the rail or else my plan was ruined so im waiting for him and all of the sudden i hear a loud metal clank and i look and a fat black girl went to use the rail and it ripped off and she went tumbling down the ****ing stairs and she knocked over like 2 other people as she fell and landed with a thud at the bottom of the steps and it looked like it really ****ing hurt but that girl was a loudmouth ***** anyway so i didnt get my intended target but she was just as good and the next day i saw the janitor going around the school and making sure all of the railings were screwed in tightly
- Losing his marbles:
- my school had an auditorium that had movie theater style seats and it was kinda on a downward slope and i had study hall in there every day with like 20 other kids and a real douchebag teacher who wouldnt let us go anywhere so one day i sat in the back and brought in a bag of marbles and i dropped one on the floor and it rolled all the way down the seats while scraping on the floor and banging off of seat legs it bumped in to and it took like a minute to reach the bottom of the auditorium and the whole time people were looking around like 'what the hell is that noise' so a few minutes later i did it again and the teacher was like 'did somebody just drop something' and nobody said anything so i kept doing it every couple of minutes and the teacher finally went to the front and was like 'ok who is dropping marbles' and once again nobody said anything so he started going around looking at all of us to see if we were dropping marbles but i was way too smooth with it and i dropped another one without even moving and he was like 'stop dropping the marbles whoever is doing it' so i did it at random times each day throughout the week and he was slowly getting more and more pissed off so one day he was like 'ok if one more marble comes up here i am going to search everyones stuff to see who has the marbles and you will get in trouble' and i had like 200 marbles left in my bag so right as he said that i dumped the entire bag and all the marbles went rolling in different directions and it was so loud and they kept clanking off of everything and the teacher was so pissed he was like "TELL ME WHO DID THAT NOW" and he took all of us out in the hallway and tried to search our bags but kids were getting pissed and our assistant principal walked by and was like 'whats going on' and i was like 'mr whitford is searching all of our bags for marbles' and the principal was like 'what' and the teacher was like 'someone has been dropping marbles all week blah blah blah' and the principal whispered something to him and probably told him to cut the **** but either way he stopped searching our bags not that he would have found marbles anyway what an idiot
- Open spot:
- during senior year i would skip lunch almost every day but when i came back the student parking lot would be full so i would have to find somewhere else to park and there was always this open spot in the teachers lot so i figured what the hell ill take it so i started parking there almost every day and one day i went to pull in and my government teacher was standing in the spot with his arms folded and i was like 'oh ****' and quickly threw it in reverse and drove away but later that day in government class my teacher was like 'so john do you happen to drive a crappy tan lexus' and i was like 'no why' and hes like 'thats weird because someone with a tan piece of crap lexus has been parking in my spot all week and the driver kinda looks like you' and i was like 'thats weird because i park in the student lot and stay in school all day' and hes like 'well then you shouldnt have to worry about me having your car towed the next time it happens' and i was like 'i guess not' so i laid off parking in his spot but i wasnt done so i went to this website where you can order street signs and i ordered a handicapped parking sign and one day when i skipped lunch i took the sign and a street sign pole that i stole and i set up the handicapped parking sign in the teachers spot and then i called a towing company pretending to be the principal and was like 'yea someone parked in a handicapped spot and i need them towed out of here' so i chilled in my car and watched as the teacher got his car towed and the next day he was so ****ing pissed and he knew i did it but he couldnt prove **** but he was like 'so john i got towed yesterday for parking in a handicapped spot' and i was like 'maybe you shouldnt have parked in a handicapped spot then' and he was like 'well its weird because it was 20 spaces away from the rest of the handicapped spots' and i was like 'maybe the handicapped wanted easy access to the middle of the parking lot' and he was like 'ok cut the crap you got me good but this isnt over' and everyone else in the class had no idea what we were talking about but for the rest of the year i was watchin my back around that teacher but he didnt do ****
- Corralled:
- my school was always under construction and we had new wings built and new doors put in and **** and they installed these gates that could stretch across the hall and lock to the other side of the hall and lock into the other side of the wall and close off the hall so these things were just put in and i noticed that the keys to the gates were still there just chillin in the locks so i went around and stole all the keys and knew that some day they would come in handy so one day i was bored and remembered that i had the keys so i went over to the freshman wing during class and i closed the gate to the entrance of the wing and locked it and i went over to the other side of the wing and locked that gate too so all the kids that were in there were locked in so when the bell rang i went and chilled on the other side of the gate to watch the confusion begin and man it was awesome kids were like 'where the **** did this gate come from' and teachers were just as confused and the hall was completely clogged with people trying to get through and the people in the middle had no idea why they werent moving and it took the teachers like 10 minutes to get the janitor to come and unlock the gate and he was like 'i dunno who did this it sure as hell wasnt me' and i guess he had a spare set of keys or something but it really ****ed up everyone and the principal got on the intercom and told everyone to accept the hundreds of kids coming to class late because they 'somehow' got locked in the freshman wing
- Collateral damage:
- i knew this girl she was a real ***** but i used to **** her in the bathroom during my study hall but every time we were done rather than flush my condom i thought it would be funny to stick it in this locker outside the bathroom and i had no idea whose locker it was but i would slip the used condom through the air vent and hear it go 'plop' on books or papers or whatever so i did that like three times but i always get curious to see what happens with these random acts of vandalism i do so i hung out near the lockers after i slipped a condom in and waited for the bell to ring and when it did i saw a kid i didnt know go to the locker and he opened it up and was like 'WHAT THE ****' and the guy next to him was like 'what' and hes like 'thats the THIRD ****ING CONDOM ive found in my locker' and he was like 'im gonna ****ing wait here all day tomorrow and catch this ****er' so the next day i ordered this thing called a candygram which was this stupid thing you can have sent to other students thats like a valentines day card or some **** so i bought one and wrote 'put in locker 2058' and for the message it said 'hope you enjoyed the cum - your secret admirer' and gave it to the candygram guy to send and i never got to see what happened when the guy tried to put it in that kids locker but im sure it was awesome
- Not so clean:
- a lot of times when i got in trouble in the cafeteria the teachers would make me stay behind and mop the floors after everyone left so one time a teacher flipped out on me for throwing a tastycake at a kid in a wheelchair even though i totally missed who i was aiming for and didnt mean to hit the cripple but he made me mop so i went to the janitor closet to get the mop but i was prepared and i took out a pack of six stink bombs and broke them open in the mop water and then i took a piss in the mop water and then proceded to mop the cafeteria floor and soak it in this stinkwater and man it ****ing reeked and it stunk so ****ing bad down there that the next period lunch was told to eat in the gym and i heard a kid threw up it smelled so bad but naturally when anything bad happens in the cafeteria i get blamed so i was called to the principals office and he was like 'bruno told me that he left you in charge of mopping and next thing you know the cafeteria stinks' and i was like 'yea that mop water smelled pretty bad but bruno told me not to empty it' and he was like 'i find that hard to believe' but he didnt have proof of anything so he had to let me go
- Photo day:
- it was a tradition for me to get really stoned for my yearbook picture every year but i had to do something special for my senior picture so i bought those fake "billy bob" teeth that go around your real teeth and look like disgusting ass hick teeth so i wore them the day of the picture and got my tux and everything and wore them the entire time but i had my mouth shut so nobody could tell and when i got up to the stool to have my picture taken the photographer was like 'ok you ready' and i was like 'i done reckon so' and made a hillbilly laugh and he looked at me like 'what the ****' and i was like 'is yous gonna take mah pictur' and i could tell he was trying to figure out if they were real or not and this took balls on his part but he was like 'take those teeth out' and i was like 'EXCUSE ME' and hes like 'theyre fake ive seen them before take em out' and i was like 'now you wait a goddamn minute mister i have had dental problems my whole life and i don need fancy town folk like you mocking me' in my best hick accent and he called one of the teachers over and was like 'do you know this kid' and she was like 'yea i know him' and he was like 'are those his real teeth' and she looked at me and just burst out laughing and was like 'no they arent john take those out' and i was like 'what the hell why cant i wear these' and shes like 'because you are gonna cheapen our yearbook' so after a lot of *****ing they took my picture where i just look pissed as **** without my fake teeth but i cheapened the yearbook anyway beacuse i went to all the club group pictures and there were like 50+ clubs and i made sure i was in every ****ing picture and i even got in the black student union picture it was ****ing awesome and when you looked in the index my name took up like 10 lines with all of the pages that i was on and by the time someone realized that happened they had already mass produced the yearbook and it was too late to fix it
- Field trip:
- one of my classes went on a field trip to the courthouse in town one day and its like a 20 minute walk from school but if you said you were going you got an excuse to miss everyone elses class so i said i would go just so i could miss class but i didnt show up when they went on the field trip and instead i went with my other two friends to drive around town and blaze so we are driving around town blasting sublime and smokin up and this was back when the cops in town didnt really care about pot and we stopped at a light and i was ripping a bong and my friend was like 'OH **** DUDE GET DOWN GET DOWN' and i look to my right and my entire class and the teacher are standing on the sidewalk staring at me and a bunch of kids were laughing but the teacher looked ****ing horrified and it was too late for me to get down so with a huge bong hit still in my mouth i was like 'i have a doctors appointment' and all this smoke came out and i was hoping the light would turn green but it didnt so i just rolled the window up and pretended not to see them so the next day when i got back to class the teacher was like 'so how was that doctors appointment' and i was like 'not bad he said i have glaucoma but he prescribed me some awesome medication' and he was like 'i could see that' and he wrote me up for skipping class but since i wasnt smoking on school grounds i didnt get in trouble for that and i only had to do a day of internal suspension
- MADD:
- some anti-drunk-driver campaign people dropped off one of those wrecked cars in front of our school with a sign that said 'this is what happens when you drive drunk' and the car was there for like a week but the second day it was there i made a poster that said 'this is what happens when you let a woman drive a car' and put it over the original sign and later that day i saw people laughing at it and even a teacher was laughing at it and surprisingly it wasnt taken down until the next day but when they took it down i made another one and there was this girl sarah who was some rich spoiled ***** and her parents bought her a BMW and she flipped it and they bought her a benz and she crashed that into a tree so my new sign said 'it only took sarah johnson two hours to wreck this car - dont let women drive cars' and put that up and people loved that sign too but it got taken down a few hours later so later i took some parts from the car and i took a mirror and the battery which was still good so i got a free battery thanks to MADD or whoever the **** put the car there
- One man...:
- another thing in that military history class we had these assignments called 'battle maps' where two kids would be defense and two kids would be offense and the defense would have to draw troop placement on a map of a historic battlefield and the offensive would draw their troop attack plan and the teacher would decide who won and you had to draw troops in blocks of 1000 men or 2000 men or whatever but me and my friend would draw a block with 1 man in it and a * and below it said "*this one man is john rambo" and we put him in the trees and then drew "conveniently placed fuel barrels" and did not draw any other men on the map and the kids we gave the map to to attack didnt think it was funny and they were like 'durrr we are going to destroy you' and i was like 'dont underestimate rambo' so we handed it in to the teacher and the next week we got it back graded and i got 20 out of 20 on it and it said 'offense - are you serious - rambo always wins' so for all the other maps i would just put one badass person like john mcclane or jack bauer and the teacher would write stuff when he graded it like 'offense never had a chance - yippie kay-yay mother****er' and the nerds we were doing this against always got so pissed off so one time we had rocky and they put down mike tyson and we got it back graded and it said 'tyson is disqualified for biting rocky's ear' and we won again it was awesome the dude didnt even care about his class
- Documentary part 1:
- i took this video production class but it wasnt the nerdy kind because almost everyone took it because we just got to chill and film **** but the teacher didnt like me so he made me go film a documentary on the woodshop class for the incoming freshman to watch so i went down to the woodshop class and interviewed all my friends and i pretty much asked each person "so how hard is your wood" and i got answers like "well my wood is perhaps the hardest wood in all of pennsylvania" and "ive got wood so hard it will blow your mind" and i asked one kid "so how long does your wood stay hard" and he was like "my wood can stay hard all night long" and i filmed a bunch of dumb **** like a kid playing drums with some screwdrivers and i followed one kid as he went to the bathroom and filmed him taking a piss so i went back to video production and edited all this footage into a useless documentary and gave it to my teacher and he watched it and was like "what the **** john i gave you this thinking you wouldnt be able to **** it up but some how you managed to make it into a sexually suggestive piece of ****" and he went off on a rant like "i dont think i can use one piece of ****ing footage you shot because they are all talking about how hard their wood is" and he failed me on it and yea he cursed at his students but whatever
- Macs:
- also in that guys video production class we had about 10 mac computers for editing the videos some and my friends put "the final countdown" on every one of the computers itunes and when the teacher went out for lunch we turned the volume up all the way and hit play at the same time on all the computers and put the song on repeat and left with the final countdown blasting so the next day i went in to class and immediately the teacher came up to me and was like 'hey thanks for playing the FINAL ****ING COUNTDOWN on all of my computers' and i was like 'uh what' and hes like 'do you know how long it took me to find all the computers playing it and shut it off' and i couldnt keep a straight face and he saw me crack up and was just like 'ugh idiot' and went in the studio because he had to film an interview with someone so while he was sitting doing the interview i went to the light controls and turned on these bright ****ing spotlights that shined right on his face and left them on for the rest of the interview and for the whole time on the interview you can see him squinting its funny as hell
- DON'T WASTE THE TONER:
- so we had a librarian that was a total ***** and she would always yell at us for printing too much stuff so i made a habit to at least once a week print out a document i had that just said '**** you mrs kettingsworth' on like 50 pages and i would print it and leave and i did this at random times when other people were using computers so she could never figure out who was doing it but one time she was standing near the printer and she was grabbing everything that everyone printed and handing it to them and saying **** like 'you didnt need to print this much' so i typed 'GET AWAY FROM THE PRINTER YOU FAT *****' and printed it and she pulled it out and read it and was like 'WHO JUST PRINTED THIS' and someone was like 'printed what' and shes like 'i cant read it' and someone else was like 'then how are we gonna know if its ours' and she crumpled it up and threw it out and i printed out a picture of goat se (tryin not to get flagged) and she looked at that and i could see disgust in her face and she was like 'NO PRINTING PICTURES YOU WILL WASTE TONER' and threw that one out and just then i thought of a brilliant idea and there was this kid joe mccallister who was a big douchebag so i wrote 'YOU ARE A STUPID FAT ****' in word and put 06jmccallister as the footer so it would look like his username accidentally printed out too and printed it and the librarian got it and read it and was like 'aha i got you now JOE' and joe was like 'what did i do' and i got the hell out of there but joe ended up getting in a lot of trouble for printing harassing messages and i think he got 8 days of internal detention
- Hazing:
- i took this military history class and it was a few cool people but the rest of the people in the class were a bunch of douchebags like the type nerds that think they are better than everyone else so all the chillin kids sat in one corner but this one kid sat right next to us every day and this kid was so ****ing weird he was a short scrawny dude with thick glasses and a slicked back gelled up mullet and he always wore a leather jacket and while our teacher was talking he would always nod his head and be like 'yeah' and 'uh huh' and answer rhetorical questions the teacher was asking so he quickly got to #1 on my 'douches to **** with' list so i started turning his desk around before he came in and we would push the other desks up against it so he couldnt turn it back around and he sat in it backwards for a week without questioning it and then he tried turning it around and my friend backed his desk up as he turned it so now it was stuck even more and then the next day i just took his desk and put it out in the hall and when he came in there were no seats left except for the gap where his desk was so he just stood there like 'uhhhhh' and my teacher was like 'john can i talk to you outside' so i went outside with him and he was like 'look you gotta stop hazing this kid' and i was like 'what we arent hazing him we are ****ing with him' and hes like 'yea its hazing and ill write you up for it' and i was like 'no you only haze someone if they are eventually gonna join you and i dont want this douche joining me' and the teacher was like 'stop messing with him or im gonna write you up for it' so i had to be more subtle with the ways i messed with him now so one time he left his cell phone on his desk when he went to the bathroom so i took it and changed the number for 'mom' to 911 and then i went into the closet and took a picture of my dick and set it to the background on his phone and put it back on his desk but he never said anything about it
- Rube Goldberg:
- in one of my classes there were these huge empty shelves that spanned the length of the classroom so i got to class real early once and nobody else was there so i took like 25 dictionaries and stacked them like dominoes along the shelf and had it so when it ended it would knock a bunch of dictionaries on this one kids desk that i didnt like so everyone came in for class and nobody realized that the dictionaries were stacked like that so we were taking a quiz and it was all quiet and i slowly reached up and tipped the first dictonary and BAM BAM BAM they knocked the next one over and so on and everyone stopped and watched it happen like 'what the hell is going on' and the kid at the end watched it and i was watching him and by the time he realized they were all going to fall on him it was too late and the final dictonary fell and knocked over like 5 dictonaries and they clocked this kid in the face and it was so awesome that he saw it coming and didnt do **** and once all the dictionaries settled my teacher was like 'HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN' and nobody knew i did it but everyone in the class that knew me didnt have a doubt in their mind that it was me
- V:
- our gym teacher had a hard-on for badminton and he made us play that stupid **** all the time and me and my friend thought it was *** so after we got done making our "ill ram my shuttlecock into you" jokes we decided to see how many shuttlecocks we could get stuck in the ceiling rafters by making it look like an accident so we would just slam the hell out of the shuttlecock and it would go flying above the air conditioning vents and if it was a good shot it wouldnt come back down so after the first one i was like 'yo V our shuttlecock got stuck in the ceiling' and V was our gym teacher and nobody knew his real name so we just called him V and he was like 'jeez john dont hit it so hard heres another one' so i hit that one as hard as i could and it got stuck again so i was like 'yo V i got shuttlecockblocked again' and he gave me another and i got it stuck and i just took a whole bunch when he wasnt looking and got them all stuck in the ceiling and one shot was so awesome it flew over the air conditioning vent and landed on the tiny antenna to our scoreboard and got stuck there so by the end of the week i had gotten about 50 shuttlecocks stuck and V was like 'dammit john we dont have anymore shuttlecocks so we are gonna have to play something else' so we started playing basketball and i thought it would be funny to get the basketball stuck so i pretended i was trying to make a whole-court shot and threw the ball straight towards the ceiling and it got wedged in between two metal support beams and V came over and was like 'how the hell did you do that' and he tried throwing stuff at it to knock it down and he threw a football at it and the football got stuck too it was awesome so i kept these antics up for 3 years and one day they hired someone to come in with a cherry picker and clear out all the stuff stuck in the ceiling so when he was done they had recovered over 50 shuttlecocks 3 basketballs 10 footballs and a bunch of arrows i shot into the ceiling during archery and almost a hundred other various balls that i got stuck up there but V never figured out that i was purposely trying to get **** stuck up there
- Mexican mammal presentation:
- for senior year english we had to find a song that was a ballad and do a report on the song and why it was a ballad so this band i used to tour had a song called "tijuana donkey show" that was about the guys going to tijuana to see a donkey show and the main act ended up being a girl from their home town that ran away back in the 80s so i went up in front of the class and was like "i chose the song 'tijuana donkey show' as my ballad" and this was before jay and silent bob 2 so i was like "so who here knows what a donkey show is" and nobody knew so i went on to explain how a woman gets ****ed by a donkey and some black girl in the class looked disgusted and was like "but how is that possible" and i just looked at her and was like "oh its possible" and i looked over at the teacher and he had his head buried in his arms and he was just dying from laughter and someone said they saw him crying he was laughing so hard so i went on to play the song and i had to explain how it was a ballad and i was like "well ballads are tragic and i think this is pretty tragic i mean the girl is getting ****ed by a donkey and that sucks" and it was totally the best presentation in the class and when i got graded i got a 97 on it and the teacher wrote "next time keep it appropriate"
- Documentary part 2:
- in my video production class the teacher made me document another class so it could be a video for the incoming freshman so obviously he didnt learn his lesson from my "hard wood" documentary so i went to this class and started filming but it was boring as **** so i had one of my friends in the class help me make it a little more action packed so when all the footage was done it started out with me interviewing a girl and shes like 'i like this class because blah blah blah' and then all of the sudden the camera cuts to a black guy yelling "GET DOWN" and i edited in an explosion noise and the camera shakes and falls to the ground and a bunch of people duck and then you hear gunshots and **** and screams and after a few seconds the camera picks back up and starts filming the girl being interviewed again and i was like 'so how often do explosive firefights happen in this class' and shes like 'about twice a day but you get pretty used to it' so anyway i showed it to my teacher and he was like 'goddammit what the hell was the point of that' and i was like 'to show new students how awesome intro to microsoft applications is' and hes like 'you really cant help yourself can you' and i was like 'what' and he just grunted angrily and never asked me to film anything for him again
- Safety tips:
- before i made that documentary for video production the teacher had asked me to make a halloween safety tips video that gave tips about how to trick-or-treat safely so i came up with some awesome ideas and me and a few friends filmed it and the first safety tip was 'always wear bright clothing when walking at night' but its clearly like 4 in the afternoon in the video and its me walking down a street wearing a black hoodie and black pants and out of nowhere i get hit by a ****ing car and we threw a dummy in front of my car going like 40 mph and it looked awesome so after that the next safety tip was 'always check your candy for suspicious items' and it showed me pouring out a bag of candy but when i dumped it a bunch of knives fell out and a handgun and some needles and a handle of whiskey and some bags of weed and a few cans of beer and on top of that i threw my airsoft M16 on top and it showed me sorting through all the suspicious items and finding a candy bar and giving the thumbs up so i showed that to my teacher and he was like 'these are ridiculous' and i was like 'they are educational' and hes like 'no theyre ridiculous and i cant show anything with guns alcohol and drugs' but they showed the one of me getting hit by the car on the morning announcements and people thought it was awesome
- Marker + scanner = win:
- one time in the library the librarian was being an extreme ***** so i decided to **** with the library equipment so i went over to the copy machine and it was one of those machines where you stick the paper in and it scans it and then prints it out with copies but i took the lid off and i drew a huge dick on the scanner screen thingy in black marker and tested it and it was awesome everything i made a copy of had a huge dick on it and i watched a few people make copies of things and everyone was like 'wtf theres a **** on my paper' and nobody figured out what happened and the copy machine kept printing dicks on peoples papers for a few days before it had an "out of order" sign put on it
- Kenny Loggins:
- my school was very poor and our junior prom was held in the cafeteria and while they were setting up for it someone moved a jukebox into the cafeteria and put it by the entrance to the kitchen area so while i was waiting in line for food i went over to it and some teacher was like 'hey dont touch that' so i waited until he wasnt looking and i went over and found the most annoying song i could find and i put on 'dangerzone' by kenny loggins and it was so ****ing loud and the cafeteria staff looked pissed they looked like they were gonna kill me and it played the whole thing through because nobody could figure out how to shut it off and as it was playing the teacher came over to me and was like 'i told you not to touch that' and i was like 'i didnt' and he was like 'i saw you touching it and nobody else would put this stupid song on' and i was like 'be careful you might push me into the danger zone' and he was like 'if you do it again i-' and i just started singing 'REVVIN UP YOUR ENGINE LISTENIN TO HER HOWLIN ROAR' and the teacher just shook his head and walked away so the next day i put the same song on again and everyone in the cafeteria was like 'wtf' and the teacher came up to me and was like 'if this song comes on again i am going to write you up' so the next day i found 'never gonna give you up' by rick astley and this was before rick roll and all that **** and everyone was like 'wtf is this stupid ****' so the next day the jukebox was gone and i dunno where it went because it wasnt there for prom
- Spit cannon:
- i had this blue tube that was perfect for giant spit balls and i used to call it my 50 cal spitball shooter and this thing could blow a giant wad of wet tissue clear across a room or two and it was dead accurate so while i was eating lunch in the cafeteria i used to shoot huge spitballs and chunks of apple or whatever i could cram into it at the table where the teachers sat which was on the other side of the cafeteria and the would have no idea what hit them and i saw them go to the tables around them and question everybody but they could never figure out who was doing it so one day i made an apple bullet to fit in the tube and hollowed it out and filled it with ketchup and it hit this one teacher right in his ****ing chest and it was so awesome it looked like he got shot and he looked pissed and later in the day i saw him walking around with a stain on his shirt and ketchup is a ***** to get out
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