The Complete Assad Joke compilation

Husband V/S Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever
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Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.


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Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you
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Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.


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Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents
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Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!


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Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You know, I was a fool when I married you.

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

ROMANCE_MATHEMATICS:

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man+dumb woman = affair
Dumb man+smart woman = marriage
Dumb man+dumb woman = pregnancy




OFFICE_ARITHMETIC
Smart boss+smart employee = profit
Smart boss+dumb employee = production
Dumb boss+smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss+dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING_MATH
A man will pay $200 for a$100 item he needs.
A woman will pay$100 for a $200 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL_EQUATIONS_&_STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! . . . . . . .Men should memorise it!

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man needs to do, is to open his mouth, to put his life on the line!
This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license, in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker,
or significant other!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
| | | | |
|____________DANGEROUS_____________|_______________________SAFER_______________________|_______________SAFEST________________|_____________ULTRA_SAFE_____________|
| | | | |
| What's for  | Can I help you  | Where would you like  | Here, have some wine. |
|_____________dinner?______________|___________________with_dinner?____________________|__________to_go_for_dinner?__________|____________________________________|
| | | | Here, have some wine |
| Are you  | You sure  | WOW! Look at you! | |
|__________wearing_that?___________|________________look_good_in_brown!________________|_____________________________________|____________________________________|
| | | | |
| What are you  | Could we be  | Here's my paycheck. | Here, have some wine. |
|_______so_worked_up_about?________|___________________overreacting?___________________|_____________________________________|____________________________________|
| | | | |
| Should you be  | You know, there are  | Can I get you a piece  | Here, have some wine. |
|___________eating_that?___________|_______________a_lot_of_apples_left._______________|_______of_chocolate_with_that?_______|____________________________________|
| | | | |
| What did you  | I hope you didn't  | I've always loved you  | Here, have some wine. |
|___________DO_all_day?____________|_________________over-do_it_today._________________|____________in_that_robe!____________|____________________________________|

Long_Live_Bachelors

Every_man_should_get_married_some_time;_after_all,_happiness_is_not_the_only_thing_in_life!!

--Anonymous

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Bachelors_should_be_heavily_taxed._It_is_not_fair_that_some_men_should
be_happier_than_others.

--Oscar_Wilde

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Don't_marry_for_money;_you_can_borrow_it_cheaper.

--Scottish_Proverb

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I_don't_worry_about_terrorism._I_was_married_for_two_years.

--Sam_Kinison

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Men_have_a_better_time_than_women;_for_one_thing,
they_marry_later;_for_another_thing,_they_die_earlier.

--H._L._Mencken

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When_a_newly_married_couple_smiles,_everyone_knows_why.
When_a_ten-year_married_couple_smiles,_everyone_wonders_why.

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Love_is_blind_but_marriage_is_an_eye-opener.

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When_a_man_opens_the_door_of_his_car_for_his_wife,
you_can_be_sure_of_one_thing:

either_the_car_is_new_or_the_wife.

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I_take_my_wife_everywhere,_but_she_keeps_finding
her_way_back_to_home_always.

--Anonymous

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I_asked_my_wife,_"Where_do_you_want_to_go_for_our
anniversary?"_She_said,"Somewhere_I_have_never_been!"_I_told_her,
"How_about_the_kitchen?"

--Anonymous

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We_always_hold_hands._If_I_let_go,_she_shops.

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My_wife_was_in_beauty_saloon_for_two_hours.
That_was_only_for_the_estimate.

--Anonymous

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She_got_a_mudpack_and_looked_great_for_two_days._Then
the_mud_fell_off.

--Anonymous

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She_ran_after_the_garbage_truck,_yelling,_"Am_I_too
late_for_the_garbage?"
Following_her_down_the_street_I_yelled,_"No,_jump_in."

--Anonymous

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Badd_Teddy_recently_explained_to_me_why_he_refuses
to_get_to_married.
He_says_"the_wedding_rings_look_like_minature
handcuffs....."

--Anonymous

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If_your_dog_is_barking_at_the_back_door_and_your
wife_yelling_at_the_frontdoor,_who_do_you_let_in_first?
The_Dog_of_course..._at_least_he'll_shut_up_after_u
let_him_in!

--Anonymous

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A_man_placed_some_flowers_on_the_grave_of_his_dearly
parted_mother_and_started_back_toward_his_car_when_his_attention_was
diverted_to_another_man_kneeling_at_a_grave._The_man_seemed_to_be
praying_with_profound_intensity_and_kept_repeating,_'Why_did_u_have_to
die?_Why_did_you_have_to_die?"_The_first_man_approached_him_and_said,_"Sir,
I_don't_wish_to_interfere_with_your_private_grief,_but_this
demonstration_of_pain_in_is
more_than_I've_ever_seen_before._For_whom_do_you_mourn_so?_Deeply?_A
child?_A_parent?"The_mourner_took_a_moment_to_collect_himself,_then
replied_"My_wife's_first_husband."

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A_couple_came_upon_a_wishing_well._The_husband
leaned_over,_made_a_wish
and_threw_in_a_coin_.
The_wife_decided_to_make_a_wish,_too._But_she_leaned
over_too_much,_fell
into_the_well,_and_drowned._The_husband_was_stunned
for_a_while_but_then
smiled_"It_really_works!"
[Image]

> > > > Aging Women... > > > > A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and > > ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. > > > > If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit > > around
whining about it. She do es something she wants to do, and it's > > usually more interesting. > > > > Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with > > you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of > > course, if
you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they > > think they can get away with it. > > > > Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what > > it's like to be unappreciated. > > > > Women get psychic as they age. You
never have to confess your sins to > > a woman over 40. > > > > Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than > > her younger counterpart. > > > > Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if > > you are a
jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to > > wonder where you stand with her. > > > > Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. > > Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, > > well-coiffed, hot woman
over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in > > yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. > > Ladies, I apologize. > > > > For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk > > for free? Here's an update for
you... Nowadays 80% of women are > > against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an > > entire pig just to get a little sausage! > > > > ________________________________ >

Begin forwarded message:

From:Fawaz Akhras
Date:December 15, 2010 12:42:37 PM GMT+02:00
To:sam
Subject:British generosity

X

Sent from my iPhone




Subject:British generosity




It is said that a big earthquake hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis died and over a million are injured.
The country is ruined and the government doesn't know where to start to rebuild.
The world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
TheEastAsiansare sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Not to be outdone,
Britainis sending back two million Pakistanis as replacements.
. .
God Bless British generosity...

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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their
husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to,
maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):


BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
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   A nun goes to her head nun: “I was raped. What shall I
     do?”




            The head
           nun answers: "Drink this most bitter tea with no
           sugar"”
           “Shall that bring my purity
           and honor back?”
           "No, but it shall take that
           happy look off your face”

I love_this_Doctor!


[cid:1.2221009115@web120613.mail.ne1.yahoo.com]
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything
wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life
of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water
out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your
ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.
 How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if
you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:


Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in
the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.