Fluff Wash part 2

Fluff Wash part 2

http://toranistheauthor.tumblr.com/

Part one  - http://www.fluffybooru.org/post/view/1668  Please read it to see how we got here.
Part one on pastebin - http://pastebin.com/Th4L9xdW


We return to our intrepid inventor testing his Fluff Wash (patent pending) automatic fluffy washer.

-ding on, It's May 17, 2017, 2:45 pm, test two.

Water pressure properly set.

"Gif biggest owwies to meanie hooman!"

Quiet.  Subject is an adult pegasus male, forest green and a grey mane, feral, named Glide.

"Gwide fwy ova' hooman an' make sowwy poopies!"

Naturally.  After a little struggle Glide has been inserted and the isolation notch is holding him firm.  Subject keeps trying to pull his head out.  He can't do that, now can he Glide?"

"Gwide wan owtta bawx, munsta!  Wet fwuffy up or fwuffy be weal angwy!"

Going to hulk out on me?  Just calm yourself and in a few minutes you'll smell really pretty ok?

"Nu wan smew pwetty fwom ugwy hooman, hooman meanie munsta an... an smew wike poopie!"

Charming little cherub aren't you?  Subject was purchased soon after his herd was picked up.  He's covered with burrs, fleas, and his fluff is one big knot.  This will make a fine test for my equipment now that the kinks are worked out.

"Gwide hate meanie munsta!  Hewd gif' big owwies an Gwide puwl on yu fwuff weal hawd."

Note, I could use a haircut.  All right Glide, everything's ready and despite your ineffective verbal assault I'm going to make your fluff pretty.  Isn't that wonderful?

"Munsta say big dummy wurds."

Love you too, hairball.  Let's set you to a medium wash to start with.

"Nuuuuuu!   Gwide wan up, Gwide wan hewd an smewwy hooman dai!"

Yeah...  We'll use some extra shampoo when I wash your mane.  Remember, no biting or I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

"Gwide gif big owwies."

*mumble* Little jerk..  All right, heavy wash it is!  You are quite a mess aren't you?.  Don't you even lift your tail when pooping?  You know what, never mind, the rear jets will take care of it.  It's 2:50 pm, Fluff Wash on.

"NUUUUUU Nu wawa, no wan wawa!  Hewp fwuffy!"

Oh so now you want help from me?  From the dummy monster?

"Dummy monsta hewp fwuffy?"

..... No.

"Pwease no wawa, fwu..."

For the love of God you'll be fine!  The water can't get to your mouth and there's no chance of drowing!  Just stand there and pretend to be a good fluffy so we can get this over with.

"Nu wawa, fwuffw scawed!  Pwease hewp fwuffy, am gud fwuffy!  Gwide sowwy!

Yeah that'll be the day.  Oh, time is 2:53 pm, first stage complete, fluffy is drenched (I guess it's those scrawny legs and long belly fluff that makes them so slow) and the scent of wet fur fills the air.  Positioning near a ventilation system seems preferable.  Power jets have removed dried feces from the fluffy's rear and tail, everything functioning normally.

"Wawa gif big owwies!  Fwuffy sowwy pwease wet fwuffy up!"

Now now, don't be such a baby, you're half way there.  Shampoo dispensers have triggered and are dousing my happy little assistant with formula 1-A  from Proctor & Gamble.  Let's see how he reacts to the arms lathering him up.

"NUUUUUUUUUUU MUNSTA GOT FWUFFY!  Pwease hewp, no wan be nummies, fwuffy is no nummies!  HEWP!

You're perfectly safe, now be quiet!  You've been yelling my ear off ever since I brought you home and it's starting to get on my nerves.

Just hold still while I wash your mane.

"Owwies!  BIGGEST OWWIES!  Munsta puwl fwuff, munsta take fwuff!  Pwease no take fwuff munsta, Fwuffy gif huggies an nummies!... Nuuuu nu wawa on hed, fwuffy no wike wawa on hed!  Hewp fwuffy, munsta huwt fwuff!

Well no fluffy I've heard of likes getting it's head wet, but that's a necessary evil to make your reeking self a bit.. oh, time.  Time is 2:56,

Shampooing mostly comple...

"OWWIES, nu take fwuff, biggest owies pwease nu mo', pwease hewp... owwie buwn, why wawa an buwn?  Fwuffy gif huggies fo' nu mo' buwn...

Oh please I didn't even get a drop in your eyes.  I'm certainly glad I never became a fluffy groomer, what a nightmare scenario that must be.

"Owwies, pwease... nu owwies, nu buwn.... owwies...

What a prima donna!  You'd think I were washing you with bleach for all this carry on.  Just what in the world are...  oh.  Oh.

"Pwease hewp... pwease."

Ye-Yeah, right.  Shutting down equipment... Christ what a mess.

"Nu wan... dai..."

It, uh, it appears the lathering arms got caught in one of his many tangles and tried to work through it.  The results being several deep tears of the subjects flesh, most of his right side is without skin and major muscle groups have been torn away.  Damage is severe, large pieces of fluffy are stuck in the lather arms.

"Munsta..."

I'm removing Glide now, this doesn't look good.  I can see several bones... he doesn't have a chance.  Glide?  Just close your eyes for a second, I'll make it better.

"Hate mun..."

*CRACK*

It's done.  Time is 2:56, subject died of massive bodily trauma and blood loss.  I finished it with a hammer, looks like Cinder will have another friend soon enough.  This will require some analysis before the problem is located and fixed.

Possible solution, adjust torque on lathering arms and use a softer plastic.



Date is May 18, 2017, 10:02 am, test three.

Lucky fluffy number three is a foal earthie male, green body and a dull, black mane, feral, name's Boulder.  Ferals aren't very creative it seems.  Most of their names are simple verbs or objects.  Young foal, still suckling from the mother alongside his sister.  All three came from the shelter, and all are either frightened of humans or actively hate us.  It's made dealing with them a true joy I'd recommend to
absolutely no one.  This foal's near constant screeching has really damaged my faith in humanity.  Why would anyone make such a loud, obnoxious creature and call it a pet?

"Dummy hooman!  Dummy hooman!  Wan baww, wan mummeh, wan sketties!"

Subject struggled with all he had but insertion wasn't a problem.  I expect some water to escape around his neck but the notch is still small enough to keep it in place.

"Wan mummeh, wan sissy, wan fwiend!"

Christ, that voice... I'll give you a nice fluffy treat if you be quiet for just a few minutes.

"Gif tweat, wan mummeh, wan pway, wan miwk, wan up!"

Just be quiet!

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

To hell with it.  The time is 10:06 am.  Fluff Wash on, medium wash selected.  Maybe I'll just move the camera in and let it do the observation, I have a headache.

"Wet fwuffy up, wan nummies, wan pway, wan huggies, NUUUUUU wan wawa, scawy wawa!"

We can't always have what we want so be quiet and get clean.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

*click*

Oh thank the lord, finally some peace.  I'm going to grab a sandwich and some advil.  Or maybe an advil sandwich.  That voice was like nails on a chalkboard but as I suspected, two minutes after I'm gone there's one around to complain to and it shuts up.  Perhaps I can add a curtain over the head end so they'll think it's night time or something.   Anything to stop the constant whining.

Ok... time is 10:11, the Fluff Wash should be in the shampoo cycle by now.  I'd better get back and make sure the little screecher didn't manage to kill itself.

*click*

God dammit.

I've turned the equipment off.  It looks like the foal managed to pull its head free judging from the torn ear.  Once fully inside the plexiglass case there was nowhere to run, with water jets spraying it in the face from every angle it must have drowned.  Another failure.

Do these bloody things WANT to die?

Maybe I should have done more research into the fluffies themselves, they're psychology.  Every one has been scared of water and determined to get away.  And then there's the whining.  The constant, irritating, teeth grinding sound of fluffies complaining about every little thing.  What kind of pet is this supposed to be?  They're the problem, not my equpiment.  The Fluff Wash is well designed, well engineered and does it's job.  Fluffies however are poorly designed, poorly engineered and barely qualifty as a life form, let alone the world's best pet.

Oh yeah, the foal.  The time is 10:14, I've removed the dead foal and it's going in the garden with the others.

Note to self:  Small isolation notch rings required for foals.  Just a stop gap measure until a more elegant solution is found.



Once again, Date is May 19, 2017, 8:55 am, test four.

Subject four is an adult unicorn male, purple body, red mane, domesticated and named Plum.  Unusually large for a fluffy, apparently he was well fed by his past owner.  Plum can still waddle under his own power but demands to be carried.  Demands ignored.  Subject struggled quite a bit during insertion, I had to push his butt forward so he wouldn't back out.  Got a handfull of fluffy crap for my troubles.

Plum is now secure in the isolation ring but complaining bitterly and still fights.

"Meanie hooman wet Pwum gu!  Pwum no wanna pway meanie game wit ugwy hooman!  Wan mommah, wan nummies."

I think he means his previous owner.  Sorry, I dunno where she is, I found you in the shelter.

"Wan mommah!  Pwum get wost an no can fin home.  Mommah gif yu big owwies!"

Uh huh, I'm sorry but you're my fluffy now and I need some help with my machine.  If you just stand there and be good, you'll get a nice fluffy treat, I promise.

"Pwum stuk, wet Pwum go, am gud fwuffy!"

Yes I know you are, just stay there for a little while and you'll get your treat.

"Pwum wan nummies! Pwum no stay!  Wet Pwum go!  Wet Pwum go!

Subject hasn't stopped thrashing about since insertion and...

"Owwies!!!  Meanie bawx huwt fwuffie, nu huwt Pwum meanie bad bawx!  Nu pwull fwuff!"

A little fluff stuck in the isolation notch hmm?  If you'd just stand still it wou...

"Wet Pwum up!  Wan up wan up wan up wan up wan up wan up...

Subject won't shut his mouth for half a second, voice is notably shrill and...

"Wan mommah dummy hooman!  Wet Fwuffy up or gif biggest owwies!  Gif worstest sowwy poopies!  Wet Pwum up!"

 ...not unlike the shrieking of a spoiled two year old.  I think some earplugs are in order before continuing.

"Dummy hooman, worstest hooman, smewwy hooman!  Pwum wan up! *thunk.... thunk... thunk*  "Nuuuuuuuu!!!"
*SMASH*
What the hell's going on?  What did you break?  Oh for fuck's sake!...

*sigh*  Time is 8:59 am, subject has managed to tip the Fluff Wash by thrashing his impressive girth around.  In trying to create more space for storage under the device, stability has been compromised.  Plum survived the ordeal but barely.  His eyelids are fluttering constantly but his legs and tail are unresponsive.  I doubt any shelter could accommodate a quadriplegic fluffy and surviving the night is
unlikely, I'll finish him quickly after extraction from the equipment.  On the plus side, the Fluff Wash seems to have weathered the storm just fine.  Let's just consider that part of the durability testing.

For God's sake... I'm starting to see why so many people hate these things.

Note to self, expand pedestal base... or replace it with a cabinet.  Storage, stability, maybe I can even offer a variety of colors and materials for my customers.  That's some consolation I guess.  Now now Plum, I can't understand a word you're saying, just a minute and you can play with your friend Cinder.

End part 2.