a lesson in insults

It was a bit of a rush to get back to the apartment that night. She had heard the rumors of a big Rakdos show coming around sometime in the next few days, and decided it would be a prudent time to get planeswalking back home to attend to her boring politics. She divided her time pretty evenly among this place and Chrontomus nowadays, coming here when she needed to be an absolute nobody for a while, when the fights between diplomats got too big to handle.

It was a lonely night. She wished she could bring her Jackdaw here. She figured he would like the city, and find a new plane fascinating. He could meet the girl that she had told him about, finally. Hell, she wished she could bring her home with her, where she didn’t have to run from Orzhov thugs and Dimir agents. She would sweep her away from all of that, and she could live in the palace and be treated like the second queen. It would be acceptable, right? To have a wife, but to also have a husband who could produce heirs like the councilmen expected?

Before she could answer herself, she walked face first into a pair of breasts.

It wasn’t uncommon for that to happen, of course. Z’arith was rather short for a half-dragon, and prone to getting lost in the midst of arguments with herself, so she often found herself at chest level when it came to bumping into people. Usually, she apologized and moved on, and that was that.

But in the brief moment of realization between the crash and the potential apology, she noted two things. That these breasts were barely covered, and that they were just a dash too red to be human. Hoping that it was some kind of being she hadn’t encountered before, similar to the blue-skinned Vedalken, she slowly looked up at the creature she had intruded on.

“Cute, but you should at least buy a show ticket first.”

What looked back, and talked back, at her, was unmistakably a demon. With black trails across crimson skin and darkened scars, the yellow eyes that looked back at her were full of mayhem and hedonist passions. A mouth full of jagged fangs smiled down at her, before tugging on her horns to pull her face up to look at her properly. She seemed content to keep the half-dragon embedded in her chest.

Of course it was a demon, why wouldn’t it be a demon. Z’arith cussed at herself in her head for not paying attention. It’s a demon from the murder circus and she’s keeping you firmly in marshmallow hell. You’re going to die to a titty demon.

“Well, never seen anyone quite like you before. Simic experiment?”

“Um. Yes…?”

“Wrong. You’re not a fish.”

“I mean… does it necessarily have to be fish? I saw a kid the other day who-”

“No. Shh. Let me look at you. Horns, wings, a tail… how close you are to being like me. Bit too… gold, though. You aren’t a demon like me, that’s for sure.”

“Nope, definitely not a-”

“So how did you do it. How did you find enough dragon genetics to get them to graft it to you, and why haven’t they used it to make super-soldiers.”

“Well see I’m very rich, and--”

“Doesn’t matter! They’d do it anyway! You just handed them the genetics for free! What? You not gonna tell me the truth? You don’t trust me?”

“I mean there’s a good reason for that-”

“Oh, there is. Never know who could not like us talking. Never know who could misuse that info. Never know who could take advantage of that. Dimir spies everywhere, you know.”

“Yeah. I know.” Z’arith thought of her idiot sister. Uuuugh.

“Sounds like personal experience.”

“It’s not something I want to talk about.”

“Not even a little? No mockery in that heart of yours?”

“I don’t expect a demon to get this but if I go around making fun of people then how does that improve anyone’s life.”

“It improves yours.”

“No, it just makes me-”

“Get the bottled up anger out of your system while lampooning the piece of shit that got you feeling like this on the first place? Oh, I can smell the white mana on you something fierce.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you’re a goody two-shoes. Maybe not enough of a goody two shoes to faff about with the Selesnya, but you definitely don’t think about yourself a lot. You need to relax. Actually indulge yourself. Let out those dark desires.”

“I am not going to go to another murder circus and nothing you say or do will get me in there.”

“Honey I’m just here to sell tickets. I might like to watch the world burn, but why destroy it when I can laugh at it? Maybe have a little fun along the way? Murder’s a bit too… indiscriminate. Hell, I can’t even call myself a pain artist. I might live to perform, but I like my performances to be a little more… private. Maybe I could interest you..? Tickets are free for a cute little goody two-shoes like you. After all, you look lonely.”

“I don’t think-”

“Ah, too late. You should really look where you’re going. All this talking and you haven’t even noticed that we’re at my door. You haven’t even moved your head. You must be comfortable in there.”

Now that Z’arith looked around proper, they were in front of an unmarked door in a back alleyway. The building looked like one of those repurposed warehouses she had heard about. Before she could move her head, once again, she was led inside. The door quickly closed behind her.

You’ve done it again, her mind berated her. This is how I die. Led around in a demon’s breasts to a private torture chamber which might not even be that private. You should have just found a bathroom and planeswalked there. No, you tried to walk home and now you’re going to die by titty demon.

At least before she died, there were breasts.

“I can feel you trembling. Something wrong? It’s like you’ve never been in someone’s chambers before.”

“You’re a demon. You’re just gonna kill me. Demons love destruction and mayhem and murder. That’s how black mana works. You’re gonna drive me crazy and induct me into a cult.”

“Woooaaah woah woah. Are you kidding, the Cult of Rakdos would eat a goody two-shoes like you alive. I’m not even a hundred percent on it. Yeah Rakdos made the demons but fuck if I’m gonna listen to him. You’ve had some nasty experiences with black mana and the type of people who play with it, haven’t you.”

“Yeah, I nearly got murdered because of mana fuckery. In my home, mana leylines are clearly defined and visible. They fluxed, a while back… it wasn’t good. Even before that, all the rulers of the places where black leylines were either terrified me or infuriated me. One of them was Orzhov incarnate.”

“… Okay, I can’t blame you for that one.”

“And then there’s my sister… she used to value freedom and learning over everything. She abandoned me for it… and then she started only giving a shit about herself. She ran off and became ruler of another kingdom while I got dragged off for being half dragon to be coronated and then when I tried to confront her a bunch of fake tour guides took me out to the boonies and tried to kill me. Told me she ordered it because I was holding her back. Then when I finally see her again, she’s joined up with the fucking Dimir because oh, secrets means power and power means stepping all over the sister who loves you and did everything for you and would have given up everything for you.”

“You really need to learn how to think about yourself. Wow. Basket case, much. Give up everything. You really are a goody two shoes. Love yourself for once. I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about with this leyline and kingdom shit, but what the fuck ever. You could be from space for all I know. You could be a fucking nutter. I’ve seen worse. So she’s with the Dimir. Fuck her, then. They’re know it alls who just want to control everyone. And for what? What do they need to rule for? We’ll undermine them here in the Cult like we always have. They think they’re secret, but the demons know. We just like to laugh at them. Life’s a show, kid, might as well make it a good one. And you, are so focused on someone else that you’re not making it a good one for the one who counts the most.”

“Er… who?”

“You, dipshit.”

“Please. I have more things to worry about than myself. An entire kingdom, kicking my sister’s ass-”

“Stop. You’re the sort of person who has fucking nothing in her apartment, aren’t you.”

“That’s not true! I have some pillows, and some nice potted plants...”

“Do you even have a bed.”

“… No.”

“That’s adorable. It’s also pathetic. Take a look around.”

Z’arith pulled her head out of the demon’s chest and did as she was told. She expected a blood spattered dungeon of filth and torment, but didn’t really realize that she hadn’t smelled blood at all since she’d been led in here. What she actually saw was a satin-draped red room, with plush carpets, candles that smelled vaguely of spice, and luxuriant cushions and pillows and swathes of fabric strewn throughout the room. It was a decadent sight that wouldn’t have been out of place in her own palace or, at worst, the chambers of the king of Invictus.

Even more interestingly, it smelled much cleaner than the ‘performance’ she had been to before. No excretions, no bodily fluids, not even peep-holes in the walls for lechers and voyeurs as far as she could see.

“Like what you see? These are my private chambers. Not just anyone gets in here for free. But you? You’re cute. You’re cute, and you’re so selfless that I pity you. Shocking that an alleged queen doesn’t live like this.”

“I never wanted it...”

“Of course you didn’t. No luxury? No decadence? Is an apartment with nothing but potted plants and cheap pillows everything you actually want? What do you want? No one is this self-punishing, come on. No one’s a saint. Don’t give me the holier-than-thou-”

“I never said I was!” Z’arith huffed. “I meant I didn’t want to be a ruler. I wanted to be a musician. The touring, the songwriting, making others laugh, or smile, or put them in a good mood… that’s what I wanted.”

“And not the money? The fawning masses? The attention? What happened to dragon hoards? Even Niv-Mizzet has a hoard, come on.”

“… Maybe a little bit.”

“There we go. But you put all that aside, because you’re worried about what others think of you. You want to please everyone so you overextend yourself for them. I see it all the time in goody two-shoes types. What would you do if all you had was yourself? No one else to lean on. Just you, the floorboards and the most expensive demon in the Tenth, and she ain’t nothing to lean on.”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know how to treat yourself.”

“I guess not, no. Not at the expense of others.”

“You talk like a children’s book. It’s like you can’t comprehend being a little selfish. Come on. I live for making children’s books like you squirm.”

“Wh- what does that mean.”

“It means, I’m gonna make you see how good it feels to let out your inner bitch.” The demon grabbed her by the shoulders and led her deeper inside the chambers, seating her on the side of an extremely soft, fluffy bed. Z’arith wasn’t sure how she felt about being led into a demon’s fuck chamber, but she was in too far to get away now.

“Let’s start with what you’ve already told me. Your sister, the Dimir spy. Tell me what you really feel.”

“Well… I wish she wouldn’t get herself into these things, because she’s going to get hurt--”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Then… what do you mean?”

“I mean tell me about how much of a cunt she is, you absolute numpty.”

“But-”

“Turn off the brain filter and let it out. Just be the biggest bitch you can be. Be the kind of person that I know for fact, based on the white mana vibes you give off, that you hate.”

“Uhh...” Turn off the brain filters? Be a dick on purpose? Z’arith felt like she was incapable of thinking like that. What if someone heard? “She’s… stupid. And dumb. And stupid.”

“…. You’re adorable. Go harder.”

“She… looks like a potato. She’s fat and she couldn’t run a mile to save her life.”

“Getting there. Harder.”

“Nngh… she’s a fucking sky-whale, she’s lucky she was even able to walk away from me for as long as she did. She can’t walk five blocks without getting winded!”

“That’s more like it. Now make it funny. Let her have it. Roast her over an open flame. We’ve opened the floodgates, now have fun.”

“Don’t see her getting off her fat ass to make an executive decision. Can’t even be bothered to call off the murder squad. The only getting off anything she’s doing is to that cat she decided she was gonna take in. Hah! She doesn’t even know the broad’s got a kid already!”

“That’s it, keep the fire going!”

“Now here I am, I’ve got a whole kingdom dumped on my shoulders, I took care of the whole thing by myself, and where the fuck was she? Talking her way up the ladder. ‘Course it’s easy to have a mouth as big as hers when you suck so many fucking chodes! Don’t you know, when we were teenagers she was known in the dens as the blowjob queen. Good to see she’s still got it, not like she got that seat any other way!”

“Get her!”

“She went in thinking she could lead something. As if. She couldn’t lead the must gullible human in the world out of a paper bag with a door cut in it. ‘I have my peoples’ best interests at heart’, she says, constantly. Yeah, the people who’re resorting to tax evasion. ‘I needed my freedom’, she says. Freedom to impose your self important ass on everyone else. Never mind the one who actually wants you here.”

“Come on, season this roast!”

Z’arith stood up, and took an exaggerated pose, using her tail to inflate her journeymage’s cloak as if she were wider-set. “Ohh, dearest sister of mine,” She started in an exaggerated imitation of her twin’s voice, “I’m sorry, I cannot help you through your issues, I’m too busy inflating my own ego to give a shit about you.” She turned on her heel, and leaned down to a pillow as if it were a person. “Okay Ptheven, you see that dragon with anxiety there? Go stab her. I’m gonna fuck off to Ravnica to go snoop on people having sex for my own gain. What do you mean that’s invasive? Don’t care. I’m the only one who matters. Me and my over-inflated ass. What? What do I have to gain from this? Nothing! I don’t need to spy on anything in Ravnica! It doesn’t benefit me at all!”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about! I still think you might be crazy, but you know what? Fine by me. Look at that. You called someone a sky-whale. And now how do you feel?”

“… Hoping she didn’t hear that. Maybe… relieved?”

“Feels good, doesn’t it. To let out all the shit in your heart.”

“I… guess so…?”