AiE- Kunoichi Anon

I'll warn you that this story went away from me.  It was meant to be a Pinkie story that she was going to use her own brand of logic to solve a problem.  I also meant this as an exercise to create a new character (kunoichi Anon).  Then it morphed into this.  I don't even know what to think of this story anymore, but I'm putting it here anyways.

>"Does he really think that's blending in?"
>"Silly anon!  He thinks he's cool, but all he does is act like a dork."
>After the two ponies walked past, you emerged from your disguise ninjutsu, shaking your fist in anger.
>(Really, all you did was grab two branches and splayed yourself like a tree.  Jitsu magic should do the rest.)
"I am not a dork," you hissed to yourself.  "I am a kunoichi."
>You seeked to correct the grievous mistake in their logic.  But only a fool would had chosen lethal force over stealth and diplomacy.
>Instead, you shaked your fist impotently.
>To the untrained eye, you looked like a ninja.
>Sounded (or lack thereof) like a ninja.
>Felt and thought like a ninja.
>Even smelled and tasted like a ninja.
>Sadly, you are not a ninja.  You are the rare breed of male kunoichi.
>Along with the title came neither job nor respect.  And that was even before someone botched your teleportation, trapping you in this land called Equestria.
>Why would that chinese dragon distract you?  He said something about the chaos you would bring if he sent you here.
>Then when you had been dropped into the mountains in the far reaches of the Griffin Republic, you had found a mysterious griffin sage.
>Ninjas _always_ listen to mysterious sages.  It's a thing with us ninjas.
>Why did he suggest you to come here of all places to find you a new master when you could get an assassination job here confused you.
>And none of the more 'shady' elements would even think to risk exposing themselves in a squeaky clean place like Ponyville.
>As you walked through the town square and the fields, you found the perfect place to continue your training.
>Leaned back against an apple tree, you closed your eyes and began to imagine a shadow opponent.
>"Howdy.  Must be mighty fine being able to rest against one of my trees."
>Whipping out your kunai, you prepare to strike, only to find yourself face to orange, freckled face with Applejack
1/?


>The scent of apples around her blended her nearly perfectly with the local trees.
"Do not scare me again, Applejack.  Meditating here is vital to my training.  Which I do alone."
>By emphasizing the last word and waving your kunai, she should hopefully get the message.
>It took her longer than anticipated to understand you.  Her confusion faded as she deciphered your thick asian accent.
>She moved to your left and your eyes followed with her.
"It is for my kunoichi training.  For a thousand years, us kunoichi have meditated under the blossoms of a cherry tree.  That is our tradition and will be for a thousand more.  These apple blossoms are close enough for this purpose."
>"Well, I have a job to do.  That's the last tree to buck in this part of the orchard and I'm not leavin' here until it's done."
>A deluge of apples fell on top of your head as she bucked the tree despite your protests.
"Does the meaning of tradition mean anything to you?”
>She was about to refute your statement when Pinkie suddenly appeared, interrupting her.  "I know what tradition is!  It's like birthdays and holidays and special anniversaries!"
>Applejack shows no surprise at her spontaneous appearance.  There was nothing wrong here, apparently.
>She appeared right in front of you, her tail tickling your nose.  As usual with Pinkie, you had no time to react.
>Taking a deep breath, the refreshing peppermint scent of Pinkie wafted directly into your brain.
"Hello, Pinkie Pie.  Yes, that is part of the definition of tradition, but not the whole."
>"What do you mean then, Mr. Ninja?"
>"I believe Anon here is in fact a kunoi, um a kunnokki, um...  Darn it, that a fancy word there."
>"A female ninja?  I knew that already, Applejack."  Pinkie beamed.
2/?


"Correct.  I am indeed a male kunoichi."
>"It's super silly and super simple.  A male, female ninja!"
>You have heard worse.  One man called you 'that transexual ninja'.  Diplomacy was not used in resolving that conflict.
>(It couldn't be helped that you were number 11 in a long line of industrious and famous kunoichi.)
>Applejack still looked confused, though she hid it well.
"A kunoichi is a ninja that uses mostly disguises in order to achieve their goals.  Of course, that task is reserved for women."
>A ninja star casually left your hand, which sliced an apple in half twenty feet away.
"But that does not mean that a kunoichi cannot defend herself, or himself as my case may be."
>"You don't say.  But I don't see you disguisin' yourself properly, or even holding down a job."
>You?  Unable to disguise yourself?  The jitsu master?
>You put on your ninja stare, the one meant for intimidation.
"I believe the reason why I have no job, Applejack, is because I cut things."
>"That's all fine and dandy, but what else do you have?"
"I can cut things very well.  And don't insult my jitsu."  You glared at Applejack, ready prove her wrong.  "Watch and see."
>Taking two apple twigs, you started the tree ninjitsu you did earlier.
>Fluttershy would be there for your nature treks, only to hide in the shadows when you noticed her.
>She must have maliciously lied in wait and she might have studied your use of this craft for her own selfish reasons!
>But Anon did not give away his secrets that easily.
>As you stretched your arms out, they waved.  As the breeze gusted, so did your limbs.
>"I'm not surprised, Anon," said Applejack.
>To prove her point, she bucked you playfully on the shin.  Underestimating her strength, she showed concern when you grabbed it in pain.
3/?


"Impossible.  How can I feel this pain?  I am a master level kunoichi!  I should have been indistinguishable from the tree next to me."
>Applejack smiled, "There isn't any pony that could trick me into thinkin' that they were a tree.  Especially some half-ninja like you."
>"Is a jutsu a kind of magic?" said Pinkie, preventing the insult from sticking.
>She somehow had both apple halves that you had sliced earlier and swallowed them up in one gulp.
>This reminder of your lethality had Applejack put on a nervous grin.  "Well, you can at least cut things."
"Yes, at least that works here," you sigh.
>You returned back to ignoring Applejack and meditating when Pinkie tilted her head and asked another question.
>"Why don't we get you a real job?"
"I have already tried out of my own amusement.  Such a thought is futile."
>"Aw, horseradishes!  You didn't get a job 'cause I wasn't there helpin' you.  Then maybe you'd leave my trees alone."
>AJ heads off towards the barn to get supplies and drop off the apples she bucked from the last tree.
>That was when Pinkie Pie took out your spare ninja sword from nowhere.
>Both swords were actually samurai swords looted from their wielders due to their high quality and your high body count.
>"You might need two for this one."
>You peered at the blade, before snatching it from her mouth.
>Having tested the sheath and the blade for the traps you would have inevitably placed, a quick check revealed that it was disarmed.
>It noiselessly slided into your belt, opposite to its more outgoing brother.
"I do not see the sense of having two swords, but I feel better just the same," you lied.
>Why would she bring your other sword along with?  Regardless, Pinkie was one pony to keep an eye on.
>Applejack inspected the tree you meditated from.  She topped it off by giving the tree a big hug.
4/?


>"Looks like Bloomberg Jr. is fine.  My chores are mostly done for the day so why don't we just mosey on along in town and start lookin' for a job there?"  Applejack's eyes beelined yours for emphasis  "That way, you could buy a cherry tree and leave mine alone."
>Applejack motioned with her head to go into the direction of the town square.
"I refuse.  What is the point?  I do not need a job.  I have my own way of surviving off of nature."
>"So you're that thief that keeps on stealing our apple pies."
“No.  I wouldn’t do that, Applejack”
>Your voice betrayed nothing.
>That was when Pinkie Pie whipped out some incriminating photos of you and your various pie heists around the Apple family grounds.
>And here you thought Ponyville was too easy for you to consider stealing from them training.  Your arrogance will be the end of you!
>Applejack put on a false smile.  "Come with me, and we might forget all about those sticky fingers of yours."
>Even if you silenced them, Celestia would still know and she would spare no resource trying to hunt you down.
>Pinkie waved your mistakes right in front of your face.  "I have more pictures.  All throughout Ponyville.  I figured they'd come in handy sometime."
"So the day has come where the tables have turned, and I am the one blackmailed."
>You started to walked the path to town with the two earth ponies when Pinkie Pie pulled out a shining light bulb from thin air.
>"Idea!  Oooo!  Oooo!  I've got an idea, everyp0ny!"
>She quickly raised it above her head to prove her point.
>"Then why don't you just share it with us, Pinkie?"
>"Because I don't wanna get everyp0ny's hopes up and make Anon even sadder than he is right now."
"I'm not sad."
>You continued with the blank stare, hiding your emotions like a good kunoichi should.  The whole pointlessness of the situation keeps you from being in the best mood for this.
5/?


>"You silly liar.  But don't you worry.  I'm going away for a tiny little bit."
>She bounced away, her mane and tail bobbing up and down and around like the ocean spray.
>En route to your first destination, a few ponies still unfamiliar to you gave you dirty looks.
>A few just laughed, knowing about your unorthodox trade.
>Most of them were more curious, a few of which were mere foals.  One of them saw you and talked with the others.
>"Hey girls!  I've got an idea.  What about cutie mark crusader ninjas?"
>The three of them agreed and ran away.  Most likely to their clubhouse.
>You place it on the back of your mind.  Watching them bastardize your ninjutsu might be good for a few laughs later.
>"Well, here we are. Quills and Sofas is lookin' for a good worker, I hear."
>Just at that moment, you felt a presence behind you.
>Without thinking, you pulled one fluid motion that both held the pony by the collar and ripped a poison dart from your hair.
>Once you did start thinking, you realize that it was Davenport, the owner of Quills and Sofas.
>"Again, Anon?"
"Yes, it's me... again."
>Applejack squinted her eyes in disbelief.  "Anon, what in tarnation are you doing?  We're not here to assassinate here, we're here to get a job!"
"I can't help my instincts.  A complacent kunoichi is a dead kunoichi!"
>"If this time is about a job Applejack, the answer's still no," replied Davenport.
>You still hold him in the same position.  His coat gets more slippery from sweat though his face shows more anger than fear.
"If you didn't sneak on me-"
>"I didn't even sneak up on you.  Even if I did, then what?  Another customer will.  And I won't have you scaring away my customers."
>You let him gently down, releasing him from your grip.
>Applejack took it as an opportunity.
>"What about security though?  Anon would make a fine bodyguard."
6/?


>Davenport looked at you with disgust.  "A human?  If Celestia doesn't trust a human for that sort of thing, then I don't see why I should."
>It was true.  Ponies were hesitant to hire non-ponies for guard work, and the princesses were no exception.
"Let us go, Applejack.  I tire of hearing the same thing over and over."
>The two of you walked off, Applejack's face red with anger.
>She retorted, "well, if you didn't end up acting like a goshdarn idiot, you wouldn't be in this mess."
>Then you stopped.
>"We've got to get a move on, Anon.  I need to stop and think for a sec."
"Applejack, I think I just pricked my scalp with the paralysing poison when I put my poison needle back."
>She sighed in annoyance.  "Well, now what?"
"The antidote is the injection needle in my pouch."
>As she administered the antidote, she mumbled, "some ninja you are.  So stubborn that you can't even realize that."
>While the antidote coursed through your veins, you started to rethink your path in life.
>The two of you finally found the town square after a while.
>Applejack lied down on the bench in the town square.  You chose to stand.
>The afternoon sun hits your clothes.  Minotaur clothes that Fluttershy bought from the mall and adjusted for your body.  Rarity offered to make you some, but even though a creature your size could not blend in without any trickery, it felt odd wearing something flashy.
>"We can throw out the idea with dealin' with other ponies.  That really cuts down our choices here, Anon.  I'll see what I can muster up for ideas though."
>She placed a hoof up in a thinking stance, occasionally knocking her noggin as if that would shake the ideas out from her own determined mind.
7/?


>Applejack mumbled to herself,  "As much as I would like to recommend you to my friends, all of them either deal with ponies from time to time, or they just plain can’t afford it.."
>Her face scruched up as she mentioned it.  She didn't want to pass the buck to her friends after all.
>This was tiring when you could just as easily tell these ponies to go jump into a river filled with kappas and get the same result.
"Why do you persist?  None of these ponies want me in their world.  I am a danger and a threat to some, and a curiosity to most.  If it were not of the fact of a premonition of me finding a new master, I would not even be here."
>That was when Applejack looked right into your eyes.
>"Because when I say I do something, I do it."
>There was a bit of tension in the air and you could see the same steely eyes as the many samurai you had faced off with.
>"Even if you are a real nuisance."
>If you pretended to be helpful, she might get her off your back quicker, and you could go back to your important training.
>Things like better hiding your swords from Pinkie Pie.
"Maybe I could just make things?"
>Applejack jumped from the chair, spry and eager to move.  "Actually, I think I've got the perfect place for you."
>She motioned going the opposite direction from that Quill place.
>You finally arrived at a small store, a few blocks away from Sugarcube Corner.
DOUGHNUT JOE'S DOUGHNUT SHOPPE
>The sign had all the 'O' replaced with the pastry goods.  If Pinkie were here, she might have actually thought they were real.
>A persuasive smell wafted from the shop, making you swallow your drool in anticipation.
>"I've known Butterball since I was just a young 'un.  And he's always looking for someone who'll share his eye for detail in his franchise.
"I don't think I ever checked this place."
>Opening the door, it reveals a 50's styled diner complete with round stools.
>You knew this because Sugarcube Corner had roughly the same style.
8/?


>The air was heavy with the smell of baking.
>In contrast to the breadth of baked goods at the Cake's store, there was the depth of Joe's brand of doughnuts.
>Those of every flavor, color, shape, and size you could imagine, and then some more besides.
>Butterball was cleaning the display glass when his ear perked at the sound of his door opening.  He turned around slowly, his bulk rippled as he did so.
>"Hi, Applejack.  Nice to see you here."
>"Same to you, Butterball.  Listen, I think I found a perfect worker for you."
>He stared at you.  He lurches close to Applejack and covers his mouth with a hoof and whispers, "Are you sure that he's not hiding behind Anon there?"
>She lurched over to whisper Butterball an answer.  "Are you joking?  That's Anon right there.  He wants a job."
"You do realize that I can hear everything, right?  It comes with my former job."
>He looked at you and then Applejack.  And then you.  And then Applejack.
>Giving you yet another good look down, his eyes latches onto the twin swords hanging from your sword belt for training.
>"No, no, no, no.  I can't hire him as a bodyguard.  He'd spook the customers and then I'd be out of a job."
>"I was thinking more of a job making these doughnuts."
>Butterball's face was shocked as the idea finally clicked in.
>"Of course!  Come this way, Anon."
>He brings you into the kitchen, while Applejack took over at the counter.  She gave you a nod before he took you out of her sight.
>Might as well give this a shot.  Maybe she'll leave you alone then.
>Butterball took out a bowl and opens the various cabinets and pointed out where the ingredients like flour were.
>He also pointed out the basic doughnut recipe taped at his eye level at your prep area.  You readjust it so it lined up with yours.
>"I want to see how you approach it, Anon.  If I like what I see, we'll go at it from there."
>A hands-on approach.
>You may like this guy already.
9/?


>Following the recipe ingredients, you used a kunai to cut the bag of flour, which left a trail of flour as you dragged it along.
>Throwing up the eggs, you drew and sliced them with your sword to unleash their eggy goodness, the shells dropping onto the floor.
>You heard crunching as you walked along, as you poured milk, water, and spices into the bowl.
>As you stirred the mixture, Butterball sighed and gave you a wooden spoon.
"Ah, yes.  It was getting hard to stir with my kunai anyway."
>A little batter dropped on the floor to you as you vigorously stirred.
>You briefly entertained the thought of cleaning up, but that was as important right now as completing the mission.
>Placing the batter in moulds, you slid them into the oven, nearly doubling the recommended heat to 500 degrees and halving the time to 10 minutes.  That should get it done in half the time!
>Butterball constantly made motions to come over to help, but remained silent.  He bit his hoof.
>While waiting for the doughy confections to bake, you started to feel a bit bad for being upset with Applejack prior.  A kunoichi should  always respect a fellow farmer, one does not know when one will join their ranks.
>After the time is up, you placed the blackened pastries onto the rack.
>Spices.  Hmmm.  What kind of equine food is a doughnut anyways?
>You smeared some butter on with your kunai, then sprinkled on some salt and pepper for seasoning.
"It is done, Butterball.  I present my effort to you."
>He scrunched his face in disgust.  "Okay, Butterball.  You've never shied away from a doughnut, good or bad."  Curiosity might be the only thing keeping him in check.
>He gnaws the piece of charcoal, so he can finally get through the black crust.
>The doughnut's gooey innards spill across his face when the outer layer was bitten off.  Butterball coughs, wiping the runny goop with a hoof.
>"I think we're through, Anon."
10/?


>While he was preoccupied with placing your failure into the trashcan, you made a stealthy exit.
"Let us take leave, Applejack.  Once again, nobody respects my kunoichi skills."
>She opened her mouth to say something, but you silenced it with a hand and a whisper.
"Quietly."
>Frowning, Applejack left while you look back at Butterball.
>It seems that he was trying his best to clean the wreck that was left behind.
>Time for a little ninjutsu to make it worthwhile.  Without a job, stealing was the only way to make ends meet.
>(If one was wondering if you were a jerk, try being a nice kunoichi!)
>Taking a handful of rocks, you replaced the bits in the cash register.
>Then you did your substitution jutsu, giving them the appearance of money.
>It still looks like rocks.
>Maybe you're not quite the ninjitsu master you thought you were?  Considering the evidence, you'll think about it later.
>You closed the register quietly, taking the rocks out and leaving the cash behind.
>Walking back to the town square, Applejack nudges your body, asking you to follow her.
>You looked at her, wanting to alleviate your stress with more physical training rather than follow, but Applejack gave back one look at you.
>You ignored her, and continued walking back to the Everfree forest.
"This is what I meant when I said I can cut things.  Seems all that anyone cares about around here.  Seems all that I have left."
>Applejack heard your self-loathing comment.  "Anon, all you need to do is to stop whining, stop training, and get rid of your old ninja habits.  Somethin' like, I don't know, like pulling out a knife every time somep0ny tries to surprise you."
>Without looking at her, you said to her with little emotion in your voice.
"This is who I am.  Would you like it if Rarity told you to stop working at your farm simply because it makes you dirty?  My reflexes come from the path I chose to take."
11/?


>Applejack was lost in thought, trying to come up with a solution when the Pink blur came from behind.
>Instinct told you to grab her, but by the time your body followed through, she had already clung to the small of your back.
>Your mind finally caught up with her actions.
"What are you doing back there?"
>"What am I doing back on your back?"  Pinkie's hooves grabbed your swords.  "I wanted to surprise you.  And you're a male female ninja so I didn't want you to counterattack me."
>Bouncing off of your back, she walked ahead, both swords somehow cradled in her mouth.
>You patted your waist only to find nothing.
>"Follow me!"  she said, even with her mouth full.
>You and Applejack both showed nothing but confusion on your faces.  Applejack recovered quicker, nudging your body again to follow.
>You were still too shocked to continue.  Your swords?  How?
>"C'mon, Anon.  Pinkie isn't gonna wait forever.  I don't think that's p0nily possible with that mare."
>You ran past the street blocks, through the river's bridge, up a hill and to the left of Fluttershy's cottage.
>The both of you raced to follow Pinkie's bouncing tail, bouncing just a few paces away.
>"Hurry up, slowpokes.  It's a super duper awesome surprise.  I promise!"
>The familiar dark forest of the Everfree came closer to your vision, until you arrived at the first layer of trees just near the border.
>Pinkie's tail wagged, just one tantalizing second away from disappearing at all times behind the trees.
>A hale looking stallion with an earthy color tone and a large beard looked at you.  Pinkie stood next to him, which allowed you to finally catch up with her.
>Pinkie Pie dropped your swords.  "This guy's Saw Blade.  Saw Blade, Anon."
>She came between the two of you, grabbing a hoof and hand from each.  Putting the two together, she shakes vigorously.  Not satisfied, she did the same with Applejack.  "Applejack, Saw Blade.  Saw Blade, Applejack."
12/?


>"Anon, Applejack.  Applejack, Anon."
"I'm well aware who Applejack is.  Now tell me, what does wood have to.... oh."
>"I take it you're the new guy here for the woodcutter job.  Show me what you can do," said Saw Blade.
>You forgot about the job hunt during your pursuit.
>Applejack just realized as well.  "Anon, you think that you could cut through an entire tree?"
>Drawing your twin blades, you focused your energies.
>Finally, something that your limited kunoichi powers would allow!
>A few quick slices later, a wedge was cut.  One simple ninja kick forced the tree down.
>Taking your blade, you sliced the branches off, letting the branches fly in the air.
>Another kick propped the branches underneath.  You sliced those as well.
>A perfectly cut, tapered log emerged from the dead tree's form.
>Saw Blade stamped on the ground, showing his approval with a huge grin.  "You're hired.  You start work tomorrow."
>He walked back with a tiny bag of bits.
>"You did an hour's work in five minutes.  Take this as a gesture of my good will.
>The feel of honest money weighed on your outstretched hand.  It made you feel dirty.
>Still, it was more than enough for what you needed.
"Thank you.  Perhaps my skills might be better appreciated here."
>You stare at your now slightly dull pair of blades.
“Maybe I should celebrate after I think of a way to keep these blades sharp.”
>Perhaps an enchanted sword would be able to help with the ease of use, and to maintain its sharpness.
13/?


>It took a few days, but you bought and transplanted a cherry tree in the Everfree forest.
>Its blossoms fell down as the bubbling sound of the waterfall cleansed your mind.
>You started to meditate when the coldness of water splashed across your face, interrupting your focus.
>It was Applejack and Pinkie.  Both of them came over, probably to see how you were doing.
"Thank you, you two.  I appreciate that you found me a place where I could be of use."
>"It was nothin' Anon.  I see you got one of Cherry Jubilee's trees."
>Looking at the tree, you try to see what might have tipped her off.
"It is indeed.  Was it because of earth pony magic that you could tell?"
>"Nope.  Just common sense, seeing that she'd have the only trees available in Equestria."
>"Anon.  Anon.  Anon.  I'm so happy that you got yourself your very own cherry tree!  But why do you have to do something boring with it like meditating?"
"Because meditation improves my capacity for introspection and ninjitsu.  Even a master... no, a novice like me should maintain his skill in such things."
>"Silly Anon.  If what you did was ninjutsu, then I must be a ninja wizard!"
>A ninja and a wizard?  Just as you were about to argue the absurdity of that statement, you realized that you were about to argue with a log.
>Applejack just noticed as well.  "What in tarnation..."
"A substitution technique.  Perhaps I am not the master of ninjutsu after all.  Perhaps the master was here this whole time."
>She got you the job.
>She sneaked up on you.
>She successfully used your skills and deployed it against you.
>That kunoichi feel when everything you thought about yourself was flipped upside down.
>You sigh.  Maybe it's not too late to ask Pinkie Pie-san for lessons?
14/14