Tinker log 3

Jessica:  one room for artists, one room for everything else
 me:  Yeah, that's an idea
We've got good relations there'
And stuff
 Jessica:  Sure, we give Pearl a lot of money
and don't wreck up the place
The worst thing we ever did was stay late one time
Speaking of
remember
We have to have everything out of there by 11
It worked well last time... started cleanup at like 10:30 or some shit
or even earlier
 me:  Yes, I'm aware- I've planned a sing along for 10:00 so the guys with cars can go get 'em
While we wrap up winter and various other things
 Jessica:  Hm.
That could be interesting. The singalongs are usually impromptu.
Oh
I still have a big pile of $1s in my drawer at work
from the last con
I'll bring it to stock the cash box
and the coins I have left too
Also I got a bigger cash box which did not arrive in time for the con
It'd be nice to finally move into it
the old cash box has like .... only one compartment big enough for bills
this new one has like five.
Jarek said he'd go by the Lab to pick shit up
 me:  I have another Cash box too
Figured it'd be good for the meal ticket
s
 Jessica:  Good
Use the big one for the store
and the little ones for concessions
Speaking of
Did you make arrangements for pizza, water and soda?
I am going to leave the electronics and cash box and other shit in a pile in the Lab, and Jarek said he'd come by to grab stuff
so he can grab the stuff
while I go off to the storage unit to rendezvous with you and Steam Jet.
 me:  sounds good, yes I made the plans with 2 Brothers
And I'm having Nanashi pick up the sodas
In Brooklyn
 Jessica:  That's cool. I'll try to remember to put the pizza cutter in the pile.
 me:  Great~
Winter's gonna slice it for us like last time
he had a pretty good system worked out
 Sent at 4:54 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  ~sigh~ Winter.
I wish he'd stop hating me.
That's the most painful thing of all.
Somehow him hating me hurts more than Nanashi hating me.
Probably because he had less involvement with me, so less reason for strong emotions towards me
 me:  Idk... It's a tough one
He's a good kid
Just show him you're not crazy anymore~
Or something
Idk
I'm nopony to give advice hre
 Jessica:  It's hard. He really pushes my buttons hard sometimes, like when he starts paraspriting me.
My mind interprets paraspriting as bullying and reacts in kind
I.e.: yelling and anger
He says he wasn't paraspriting me.
I donno.
Maybe he wasn't.
Maybe I'm just hypersensitive.
But when he went into #bronycon-staff and made a snide remark, and wouldn't answer direct questions, and would just say "lolo" and ":3", I snapped at him
It wasn't a good idea, or a productive response.
 Sent at 5:00 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  I've been trying so hard to make amends with him.
I'm only in therapy because he felt it would be a good idea.
I wish he'd see that.
Me going to see a therapist for the first time in years is a show of respect for him.
 me:  It's still a good idea
 Jessica:  It's not free, either. It costs $175 a session.
So it's not just a show of respect, it's an expensive show of respect.
 me:  He still feels you're irrational / unstable though, primarily because you go crazy at little taunts that don't bother most ponies
Because something like :3 isn't really that offensice
 Jessica:  I was bullied often enough that I became hypersensitive to it.
Some ponies become numb to the pain
But in my case, I only became more sensitive to it.
It's kind of like PTSD
Being bullied makes me feel like I'm back in school again
helpless and hated.
Like having a flashback.
Only I don't literally see visions or whatever.
I just experience the same sort of helpless anger that was my daily life for so long.
 me:  Hmm... that's why you need therapy, winter or not
That's a serious problem
The past can be a misreable place
 Jessica:  Probably.
And yes.
 me:  For now it's actually kinda comforting to me, I remember September... it makes me hopeful
 Jessica:  What's comforting to you?
 me:  that somehow, someway indescribable- we'll get this all sorted out
Well, just the friendship I experianced in September, the Subway ride
The partying
All that, with good ponies like Ohad
and Winter
It can't be taken away from me
for as long as I live
and as misserable as things get
 Jessica:  Do you think that I want to take it away?
 me:  No, I think the march of time has a much better shot at that than any pony being
History's written, fact is fact
I can actually take some comfort in that
 Jessica:  You had fun in September?
 me:  Oh yeah, like never before
I'd never socialized like that ever
It was an amazing, spontaneous experiance
 Jessica:  Would it surprise you to know that I didn't have fun at September?
Or June?
There were some up moments, but the weekends were, by and large, hell for me.
And January... you already KNOW that January was hell
 me:  I know Cupcakes didn't have fun at September
And several other ponies as well
But you had friends to help you out in September, even in January
Even If I was having a miserable time, I'd take comfort in that there where ponies that gave a damn about me
 Jessica:  I was still overtired, overworked, and drastically overstressed.
 me:  Well that's something that can be helped with propper delegation and what not
 Jessica:  I'm going to tell you something very important.
 me:  Yes/?
 Jessica:  I never cared if I was happy at cons. I never cared if you were happy either, or any of the other staffers. The happiness of the staff-- especially my own personal happiness-- weren't even on my radar.
Completely meaningless to me.
A nice extra, if we were happy
But not at all a priority, not even a low-level ones
...one
The ONLY thing I cared about was the congoers
If THEY were happy, that was all that mattered to me
I was used to torturing myself and torturing the staff
It did not bother me.
 me:  But it doesn't have t be that way you know...?
 Jessica:  I suppose it doesn't, with enough planning
and enough delegation.
 me:  Yeah, unfortunatly still not the type that we have now
Eventually I'll speak up about the council being too verbose
Till the I'm giving Andrew a fair chance
 Jessica:  Andrew's probably going to shrink the council.
And I can't imagine he wouldn't give individual staffs (staves?) more autonomy.
It's only natural.
The council started because Sean didn't want me making unilateral decisions.
So I evolved it into a body where EVERY TINY DECISION was deliberated verbosely and voted on by everypony but me
So that no one could accuse me of doing things behind closed doors
and making unilateral decisions.
It still wasn't enough; ponies still resented that I was trying to set the agenda
which I was
but
It also set the precedent of verbosity
and "everything needs to be discussed"
and blurred the lines between departments perhaps too much.
 me:  Yes, but making your situation an extreme just to appease sean was no solution either
The middle of the road is the right place to go
And it takes a fair amount of time to do that
That's kinda what I like about Everfree NW
Their top down manegerial style was crafted over time, and ordained such that individuals on the small council could render effective decisions of their own volition without verbose proceedings
and what not
It's based off of other NPO's/// yet I still don't agree with it entirley
On the grounds that, yes it's a strong organization built on a strong foundadion
But in that time,we had like, two conventions!
We hit the ground running, although carelessly...
And for two cons, made something that inspired the rest of the world....
 Jessica:  Exactly.
And I've discussed this with Andrew.
Everfree is TOO prudent
TOO slow.
If I was like Everfree, the first BronyCon wouldn't have occurred until somewhere around March.
and not last June.
There's a balance to be had.
 me:  Yeah, but the real balance is- right now, Everfree's pretty much up to the perfect speed
I've been working with them on A/V
They take just the right amount of time to turn around paperwork
And there's never been wild deliberation
either
 Jessica:  I must admit my bias to you. I am exceptionally angry at Everfree.
 me:  Sure it's a beuracracy, but now that it's up to steam- it's clearly the superior system
 Jessica:  They backstabbed me, and us.
 me:  Mindless Politics, another flaw with our system
 Jessica:  Are you suggesting that being betrayed isn't a valid concern?
 me:  Well, I don't think they've ever actually taken such intolerable actions as you're conferring they have... Enlighten me?
 Jessica:  On multiple occasions, I've promotd Everfree.
I have even put my own reputation, and BronyCon's, at risk to help them.
Specifically
When that kid who wanted to run Bronystock was scheduling his event date
it was going to be very close to Everfree's date.
I helped Roy convince him not to do that
and
in the process, I was within two sentences or so of threatening to blackball half the musicians in the world if they hurt EVERFREE
(Which would have hurt BRONYCON)
I also told them to give Everfree a 3- or 4-week leeway period
and BronyCon only a 1-week
I bent over backwards to protect Everfree
at the cost of BronyCon.
 me:  I think I've heard this one before, the whole thing still seems kinda petty to me... kinda tied to your stigma specifically-
 Jessica:  What do you mean?
 me:  Sometimes you just need to forgive and forget... it's a powerful virtue
 Jessica:  It's not just that
 me:  I mean, to you it may seem like they "Screwed us over"
 Jessica:  After January, Bejoty-- who was a staffmember-- posted a negative review of BronyCon on the meetup page
 me:  But I don't really see anything immediatly negative coming out of it,
 Jessica:  Bejoty has been talking smack about me behind my back to the EqD ponies
 me:  Oh COME ON! I would have said the same thing had I not been working there, and afraid of your immediate backlash
There was some legitimate bloodshead that day
The 7th
No lying about that
no making it all pretty
Escapism is fun, but reality's reality
 Jessica:  You don't post negative comments about your employer.
You just don't do that.
Not if you don't want to get fired
and possibly blackballed.
But at least fired.
Anyways
The Everfree guys dragged me into a horrific INQUISITION before EqD and other media ponies, asking all kinds of intrusive questions about our finances and legal status, before EqD posted the story about John de Lancie
Ben led the questioning
he did almost all (if not all) of the talking
Pried into things that were none of his business
None of Everfree's business
None of EqD's business
None of anyone's business
I answered ALL their stupid questions
I even volunteered tremendous sums of information that they DIDN'T yet ask about
To PRE-EMPTIVELY answer MORE questions
All stuff that is none of anyone's business except BronyCon's
 me:  It depends, things you do personally could reverberate loudly throughout the community
 Jessica:  It was a fucking inquisition.
 me:  But now that you're supposedly no longer involved, it's not really a problem anymore?
And besides, nopony expects the Spanish Inquisition...
 Jessica:  I'm still involved in Bronycon, I'm just not the chair.
And even if I wasn't involved, it wouldn't change the past.
This was a brutal interrogation session.
They had no fucking business prying into internal BronyCon finances or policies.
It was none of their concern.
It was incredibly rude and presumptuous.
 me:  Well, consider if we where an Actual NPO...
EVERYTHING would have to be publicly visible
 Jessica:  Up to a point.
 me:  As Gaston would say "Publicly Humiliated"
 Jessica:  Budgets, yes
Not, say, meeting minutes
or internal email addresses or whatever.
But, yes, to a point
 me:  You have to be a politician, as horrible as that sounds
Hath ye no dirt, then ye be a fine sutor
 Jessica:  Unfortunately, I'm a pony being (more or less)
 me:  Yes, in a way we all are
Which is why it might have been a little better for somepony with a little more rational for this stuff to step up... I'm not saying Sean
But somepony personable
Brockert's a good step
He's kinda mechanical, I like allot of his style
Weather or not he can survive the coming storm, of finances and bookings and everything- Only time will tell
 Jessica:  Are you testing me?
 me:  No not really
It's just petty philosophy
I speak my mind too from time to time, it's not always good
 Jessica:  I'm not passing judgment on good or bad
I was just not aware if you were aware what the effect of your words is.
 me:  I'm not aware, I'm often accused of being too oblivious to others- if anything that's my biggest flaw
 Sent at 5:35 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  Malfunctioning mirror neurons.
Same thing I have.
Anyways
Watch this clip.
This should offer you a little insight into my present mental state.
 Jessica:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLvIFRNbqOs

Gollum
 Sent at 5:37 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  At this point, if I could switch off my emotions entirely, I probably would.
 me:  I see...
No, I would too... sounds like an episode of Fairly Odd parents or something
LoL
But In a way I kinda have
I just emulate emotions
I lack empathy
 Jessica:  ...You never saw 'Lord of the Rings'?
 me:  Tis' why I'm lonley
No I've seen lord of the rings
I have a cardboard cutout of Smegol around somewhere too
Haven't seen it in a while
 Jessica:  Smeagol was a good pony. He was corrupted by his lust for the One Ring, which was his before the hobbits stole it from him.
He hates the hobbits.
But he also hates himself.
And he's constantly at war with his own dark side.
 me:  Self contradiction get's nothing done sadly
Just don't jump into the fire
If you have that kinda problem, you gotta pull yourself out of involvement with others... because you can't love anyone or anything else until you can learn to love yourself
It's a sad fact, that though you have to spend time being unproductive (Which really bothers me) you just gotta, until you can come to terms with yourself
 Jessica:  That may never happen.
 me:  But surely you believe that someday it may, otherwise why live on in a world with no hope- I'm glad you
're still here because it just means to me that you believe things will get better
Somehow
 Jessica:  Incorrect.
I live on for only one reason.
My mother is still alive.
 me:  ?
Sounds like an odd reason
 Jessica:  My mother already lost one child. I won't take another from her.
I love her too much
If she was dead, I would have committed suicide last week.
I had a plan.
I was going to do it.
Then I remembered her.
and I realised I had no out.
I am trapped here.
I do not wish to exist.
But I would rather exist, and suffer for it, then cause her that kind of pain again.
 me:  A noble cause, but far from a good reason
 Jessica:  Are you suggesting that I should kill myself anyways?
Mind you, I wouldn't.
 me:  No, quite the opposite actually
You have every reason to exist
I just long for the day when you'll realize that you can live and love yourself too
Sounds impossible?
 Jessica:  Highly improbable.
I had self-esteem once.
When I was .... 3?
Then I entered school...
It was all downhill from there.
I was a very happy little child.
 me:  It may be, but for the sake of citing the past- a whole bunch of pretty impossible things have happened
 Jessica:  By the time I was a not-so-little child, I was no longer happy.
 me:  Yeah, they can be tough in this here public education system
You'd have probably been happier had certain testing modifications and other stuff existed
 Jessica:  The actual academics were only a small portion of the problem.
The other students were the overwhelming majority of the problem.
I never thought I'd make it to 18.
I thought I'd kill myself first, from the bullying.
 me:  But that's no real reason to be sore about it... I was pretty badly brused by the system, and the ponies in it- but I can't be sad about it because- It's inefficient.. and if there's one thing I hate it's inefficiency
I guess that's where we differ
 Jessica:  I was the 'school nerd'.
 me:  You are Ethos, I am Logos- all we're missing is Pathos
LoL
 Jessica:  I was a verbal punching bag for the entire school population.
It was BAD.
 Sent at 5:52 PM on Thursday
 me:  Didn't you at least have Zorin to stand up 4 you?
 Jessica:  I met Zorin when I was 16, and he lived in Miami.
I lived in Orlando.
By the time I was 16, the bullying was over and the damage was done.
The worst years for me were around 6-14
Which happen to be some of the most fundamental formative years for the pony psyche.
 Sent at 5:55 PM on Thursday
 me:  Wow, so you just continued on damaged from that point on? That's a loong time to hate yourself
damn son
 Jessica:  You can only be told so many times that you're a worthless ugly stupid pathetic fabric before you start believing every word.
Oh, and 'nerd'
don't forget that.
 me:  Nerd is kinda a re-enforcing word these days though... "Talk to me nerdy"
It's kinda like "Nigga" yo- a stigma that's been embraced
 Jessica:  Some would say "fabric" is too, but it still stings me
and ponies still mostly use that as an insult
"nerd", sure, it's been reclaimed in a lot of ways.
But anyways
This is actually a little off-topic
Because this isn't the self-hatred I was referencing
I was talking about how I hate myself for how I acted, and act, towards my friends
I cringe when I hear how I'd treated Cupcakes so poorly
And every time I scream at ponies, I feel awful about it later
It's embarrassing.
But it's very hard to avoid, because when I get angry, it all comes out directly
I don't hide it or bottle it up
It just comes out through my mouth.
There's no filter there.
 me:  The psychologist can help you make dissociations between when to act and when to just listen...
Sadly I'm terrible as Psychology
We'll get Winter back on board for that one
If he can calm minty down like that, he can work mareacles
 Jessica:  He calmed Minty down?
 me:  Oh yea, that one night with sean and you
And she wanted to kill me
more legit than usual, and I just gave the phone to winter
and she magically understoof
I could never do that
 Sent at 6:05 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  The problem is actually a lot simpler than that
and a lot harder
I know when I'm not supposed to say what's on my mind
if I actually stopped to think about it
and if I was able to act purely on logic and reason
Usually, it's pretty obvious when saying something will upsetsomepony
and yelling and screaming at them almost always does.
The problem is that I never learned to 'think before I speak'
I say what is on my mind
I don't think beforehand 'Should I say this?'
 me:  Yeah, you gotta learn to do that...
It's possible
I used to ramble on for hours about irrelbint thing back in High School
Well, before that
It's why I didn't really have any friends
 Jessica:  Yep
I can relate
 me:  I went for Re-socialization therapy
helped allot, I had to study it actually... render my thoughts into coherent conversation
 Jessica:  I've never had a problem speaking coherently, merely speaking appropriately.
 me:  Well, that too- that was a big one actually
When I was a kid, I tell ya- I said the worst things
 Jessica:  So did I
"Why is that lady so fat?"
 me:  Just ask women about menstration... do all sorts of weird shit
in conversations
 Jessica:  yep
 me:  Exactly
 Jessica:  No filters
 me:  and there's therapy that can help with that
Totally
You should get a legitimate diagnosis sometime though
 Jessica:  I'm not certain it would help.
 me:  Like, from a Psychiatrist
Maybe help you get some state funding for therapy though
It does exist
 Jessica:  For adults?
 me:  I'm not too sure how to apply for it
 Jessica:  NON-IMPOVERISHED adults?
Most state funding is for poor ponies and/or kids.
 me:  Yeah, especially- you may need to be in like, an adult home for a short period of time- but there's definatly socialization programs out there
 Jessica:  uuuuhhhhh.
Yeah, I'm not going to live in a special pony's home
 me:  There's a good center for Autism in Bellmore- not like an asylum or something, it's just a place
and they hold programs for autistic adults
to meet and compare expriances
Pro bono sometimes
 Jessica:  Would I be the only one there not stimming or talking through a box?
Or is it mostly high-functioning ponies?
 me:  Mostly High Functioning, the high functioning ones survive
 Jessica:  Sad.
(For the implication of what happens to the non-high-functioning ones)
I've read essays written by ponies with more conventional capital-A Autism
I can't really relate to them
Any more than I, as a transgendered female, can relate to gay males
I'm on the opposite side of the autistic spectrum
like I'm on the opposite side of the LGBT spectrum
The only thing I can relate to is facing prejudice
 Sent at 6:18 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  Anyways.
How's therapy like that work anyhow?
Do they challenge you until you can not react?
Like, show you the most outrageous thing possible until you can show no reaction to it?
Or do something to provoke you until you stop reacting to it?
 me:  Not necessarily, they just outright tell you how you should condition your thoughts
I mean, yeah they used more advanced tactics sometimes, like double sided mirrors
 Jessica:  If it's mostly talk and technique, then perhaps there is a book on the subject.
Social appropriateness theory for dummies?
The aspie's guide to not being an ashole?
...asshole
 me:  Essentially, it's a decision you kinda have to make
but the techniques they employ become less noticable over time
 Jessica:  What's the decision?
 me:  You decide that you can learn, and make things better by doing so
Allot of autistic ponies think they're already right
and that they have nothing more to learn
and that such abstract things could never work
 Jessica:  hmmm.
Well, part of me feels like not expressing my feelings wholly to a friend is lying.
Like, if I'm furious at you, if I hold my tongue and say nothing, it feels like I am doing you a disservice.
It's paradoxical, but I think you see what I mean.
I'm willing to hide my true feelings from a cop to avoid getting arrested, since I don't see a cop as a pony
merely a 'thing' who can harm me
like an angry animal, or a lunatic with a gun
(which is basically what a cop is)
But to my friends, I find it exceptionally difficult to conceal my feelings.
 Sent at 6:25 PM on Thursday
 me:  I almost wish things where black and white like that sometimes
But the world is every shade of grey
 Jessica:  I know that in theory.
But in practice, I don't FEEL that.
If that makes any sense.
An example
Right now, I basically hate the entire Council.
Seething, roiling hatred.
Sometimes I can get myself distracted by work
my day job, or working on a postcard, or a web page, or whatever
But sometimes, somepony says something to set me off, and the hatred and anger boils over
and for me NOT to say something becomes almost physically painful.
 me:  Is there any way you could talk yourself down from that enraged state?
 Jessica:  Perhaps.
Such as by reminding myself that I would have done the same thing the Council did
or worse
in their situation.
But it does not change the feelings of betrayal.
or of jealousy, or of anger.
Or of embarrassment.
 Sent at 6:31 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  I don't know if I will ever NOT hate the Council.
Or Andrew.
Even if I can learn to not show it, or not talk about it
I suspect the hatred will remain.
 me:  It's interesting, I hate the council because they'er so inefficient...
I guess you hate them for that sloppy Coup De' eta
 Jessica:  D'etat.
And not really
I hate them for having a coup in the first place
Not for it being sloppy.
I hate them for taking what I created away from me.
Stealing MY PRECIOUS.
Watch the Gollum clip again.
That's me.
 Sent at 6:34 PM on Thursday
 Jessica:  anywyas, l8r
 me:  Peace~
 Jessica:  Sorry for being such a downer, BTW
 me:  It's okay, I needed some grimdark to put my life in perspective~
Hopefully you can take some of my sunshine into yours~
 Jessica:  Hopefully!
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