Shit, I don't even know what to think any more. I still desperately need a second job, but I'm so hooked on roleplaying now that I got into that that I'm completely checked out of reality. It has substituted my reality for a kind of hyper-reality. It's overriding my urge to stream, that's not good...

Invariel submitted a new Faxanadu TAS. The dialogue box at the beginning of the game is skippable, saving 12 seconds. Between a route improvement I want to attempt which will future-proof the route and take at least a year to fully master, I think 2017 will be the year of sub 27 Faxanadu. But before that, I need to finish playing Dragon Quarter and Symphony of the Night on stream.

I'm terrified that I will never get around to any of this and just continue being a content but not-financially-solvent degenerate. I'm happy in every regard, except for that. But I've always struggled to integrate into society and thus I really REALLY suck at finding jobs. Pretty much everyone I've ever had was managed through sheer luck because I knew somebody. I don't really mind making a change and donating some hours of my days toward something, but employers seem to disagree with this notion. Our capital-driven, individualistic society implies that even though I may be a kind person who would love nothing more than to help others, I deserve to starve because I can't fit this framework within an exchange of services for capital. This is utterly repulsive and discouraging, only driving me further into my spiral of depravity. I fetishize my differences and thrive on being weird, creating a reinforcing positive-feedback loop.

Funny how said individualistic society, creating a pre-condition for this, has no incentive to help someone like me, because counseling costs money too. We're supposed to be happy as freed wage slaves, able to pursue whatever we want, nobody able to meddle in our affairs or pass judgment. Don't admit your weakness, just keep doing your own badass thing. Well, I am. Being a tragic warrior poet who thinks himself an artist despite not releasing any finished work in years doesn't get me a job, though, so...back to plugging away at it slowly, I guess.

If I had my way I'd just chill at home and eat on a budget and work on my Faxanadu randomizer, and use that as a springboard to get into development. All the randomizers I use are open source, I really should take a look at people code bases so I can remember how to do all the stuff I learned in school...