Fluff Wash part 6

Fluff Wash part 6

http://toranistheauthor.tumblr.com/

Back to the grind.

All right, it's May 24 2017, I should be hitting on college chicks but I'm not, time is 1:19 pm test... six or seven.  Subject is a young adult unicorn male, with a dark brown body and green mane, feral and named Huggie.  Creative as ever these ferals are.

" *mumbles* Hate dummy hoomans."

... You're going to be a real joy to work with aren't you?  Rain's condition hasn't changed much, she's still spitting out pus and cries while eating mush.  At least it's keeping her quiet, she only asks about Sunshine five or six times before the pain of talking gets to her.  As predicted the rest are, in my opinion, a little happier without Rain throwing her weight around and the constant orders.  In fact, I think she took my warning to heart and has been playing nice with her herd for fear of being replaced.

" *grumble* Hooman smewl wike poopie, tawk to sewf wike dummy."

Subject seven (I think) is acting a bit unusual, instead of hollering his insults like a normal fluffy, he mutters them under his breath yet still loud enough for me to hear.  In some ways its even more obnoxious than the typical fluffy attitude.  He seems to be very "beta" and is likely used to being near the back of the pack.  Physically this is the worst looking fluffy of the bunch;  not only does he possess an unappealing color combination but his personal hygiene is sorely lacking too.  Lots of dried feces
stuck to his rear, he reeks to high heaven and his fluff is tangled and likely has never been groomed.

"Huggie pwetty, hooman eyes see stoopid."

I think what we have here is the classic follower.  Always wanting to be the big cheese but not having the skill or balls to take what he wants.  Reminds me of my college days.

" *whisper* Munsta go sweepie an' dai."

Passive agressive little prick... Let's see how far he'll take it.  Ok Huggie I'm going to wash your fluff and we-.

"Huggie bite yu pee pee pwace, hate ugwy."

Well aren't you a little badass.  *ahem*  Subject absolutely STINKS, he obviously doesn't mind being covered in poopies.  Fluff is matted and ugly, just like his face.

This reeking, disgusting little hairball is the perfect guinea pig for Rand corps maximum strength fluffy shampoo.

"Huggie nu smewl, Huggie fwuff is pwetty fuwff!  Hooman is meanie munsta!"

Oh I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings?  Maybe if you settle down we can get to work and you'll stop being such a smelly, ugly fluffy.

"Huggie is nu ugwy fwuffy!  Is pwetty an aw mawes wan' gif speciawl huggies!"

That was a little loud there chief.  Are you trying to convince me or you?

"Fwuffy is nu ugwy!  Hooman is ugwy... hooman is ugwy... ugwy!  *sniff*."

My mistake, you must get all the ladies with your shit brown fuzz and puke green mane.  I bet they line up for such a dumb, bad fluffy.

"Nuuuuuu!  Huggie is gud fwuffy!  Mawes aw.. aw *sniffle* wong, am pwetty fwuffy!!!"

Nailed it.  You stink, that mane is a rats nest and your tail is so long and unruly you've got half a pound of poop stuck in it.  Your fluff is in horrible shape, all matted and patchy.  I bet none of the others will groom you... In fact, they don't even let you sleep in the fluff pile do they?  You smell SO bad, look SO ugly they can't stand being near-

"Waaaaaaaaa!  Nu meanie wurds!!!  Nu be meanie! Pwease nu chest huwties, waaahhhhh!"

Chest hurties?  I haven't laid a finger on you and you're whining about getting hurt.  I'm already starting to miss the mumbled, quiet insults.

"Hu hu hu hu.... Am pwetty fwuffy, pwease nu meanie wurds, Huggie nu wike meanie wurds!"

Meanie... Oh!  It's your feelings that are getting hurt, not your chest.  So fluffies really react badly to being made fun of, I'll make note of that in the journal.  Do you get lots of chest hurties with the herd?

"Hu hu *hic* *sniff* Hewd nu-nu wet Huggie haf hugs, nu sweepies in fw-fwuff piwl, hu hu hu... nu fwiends... nu sp-speciawl hugs.... *sniff*."

From what I've seen, it's your own fault for muttering mean things under your breath and speaking of which, even that smells.  Haven't you ever had your mane or tail trimmed?  Don't you ever clean yourself?

"Hu hu hu!  Hewd nu gwoom Huggie!  Jus' wan' wuv!  Why nu wuv fo' Huggie?  *Hic* Why nu speciawl hugs?  Wan' speciawl hugs wif pwetty mawes."

I see, I see.  They've all been shunning you for a long time haven't they?  Fluffies view clean and pretty fluff as the most important status symbols, yours... this explains why you're always on the other side of the pen when I come get a subject.  Well... What would you say if I could fix all your problems for you?  Make you smell nice, make your fluff pretty?

" *sniffle* Huggie *sniff* haf pwetty fwuff?"

The prettiest fluff ever.

"Huggie haf fwiends?  Haf speciawl... haf wots speciawl hugs?"

Lots of friends, and ALL the special hugs ya horny little bugger.

"Huggie wan'!  Huggie wan'!"

There, you see?  That's the spirit!  Just do what I say and the mares will be fighting to give you all the love in the world.

"Huggie wan'!  Huwwy!"

Ok ok, stop squirming.  Let's try the Fluffy Febreze on you first, we'll have to do something about your matted fluff before I put you in the Fluff Wash probably.

"Wan' smewl pwetty, wan' speciawl hugs!"

Yes you've mentioned the special hugs already,  been a while, hmmm?  Well I guess I can sympathize but the good news is that's all about to change.   Just hold still and close your eyes.  You'll hear a kind of hiss sound but don't be scared, and maybe something tickling your nose a bit.

"Wan' be pwetty fwuffy!"

Fine then, here we go.  Time is 1:26 pm and we're using Proctor & Gamble's Fluffy Febreze formulation 6-31D.  Here we go Huggie, close your eyes and don't move.

"Huggie gud fwuffy."

For once.  *sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst*

We'll give that a moment to settle.

*sniff* "Wha' dat?  Huggie smewl somthin'."

Thats whats going to make you and your fluff smell nice.

"Nosey fewl twickly!  Hee hee!"

Tickly sensa-

"Achuuu!"

Bless you.  Subject feels a tickling sensation in his nose one minute after application. *sniff* *sniff*  The odor is a marked improvement over subject seven's previous stench but hasn't rid him of it entirely.  Time for application number two.  Huggie, close your eyes again.

"Huggie smewl pwettiest!"

Uh huh.  *sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst*

"Achuuu!"

This time I've made sure to get every inch of the subject.  Note that no pre cleanup was performed, the feces is still trapped in his long tail, his fluff is as matted as ever, all improvements are due to formulation 6-31D.

"Achuuu!  Nosey wunny *SNIFF*."

The nose again hmmmm?  Subjects nose is in fact running slightly... tears are forming despite no signs of aggitation or fear.  Huggie you aren't sacred are you?

"Huggie smewl pwett *Achuu!* pwetty!  Why eyes cwy?  Nu scawedies, nu saddies *sniff*."

Huggies nose continues to run, almost constantly now, and both eyes are watering non stop as well.

"Why *sniff* cwy?  Huggie nu *sniff* wan'.  Pwease nu *sniffle* moar cwy."

Just wonderful.  Well, I'd better keep an eye on you for a while and document whatever the hell else happens.


Time is 2:07 pm, Huggies condition continues to decline.  It's like someone turned a fawcett on connected to his eyes and nose, they just won't stop running.  He's complaining of always being thirsty now and gulps down half a hamster bottle at a time.

"Nu cwy! *sniff*  Nu moar snotties!  Pwease nosey, nu *sniff* moar snotties!  Huggie wuv nosey *SNIFF*."

Do you mean your nose or the whole snout?

"Hooman is dummy, nu haf snowt, is nosey.  Fwuffy *sniff* haf nosey, *sniff* is fo' smewl pwetty tings *sniff* an nicey wub on fwuff *sniff*."

I believe a fluffy just failed to school me on fluffy anatomy.  You'd think they'd at least be able to name their own body par- oh never mind.

" *SNIFF*."


It's 3:02 pm, things are quite a bit worse now as huggie can't stop his nose and eyes running or the constant trickle of urine.  He spends most of his time sniffing, wiping his eyes, peeing and drinking more water.  It's like a perpetual disgusting machine.

"Fwuffy sikkies, pwease *sniffle* hewp!  Nu wan huwtie pee *sniff* pee, nu wan cwy, hooman hewp pwease  *SNIFF*."

So it hurts when you pee now?

"Pee pee pwace *sniff* WEAL bad huwties, *sniff* pwease hewp fwuffy."  *mutter....*

Your front end is soaked in tears, snot and drool.  The back half in piss.  Do you really think I wanna touch you right now?

"Dummy hooman *sniff* hewp fwuffy, pwease *sniff* hewp, am gud fwuffy *sniff*, nice fwuffy *sniff*."  *dummy....*

Oh that's rich!  Since when were you nice?  You're a bad tempered, foul mouthed little prick who doesn't have the balls to speak up!  Muttering shit under your breath like a pussy, I hear it all and you know what?  Bad things happen to bad fluffies.  You're covered in crap and your dick hurts because you're a bad fluffy.

"Nuuuu *sniff* fwuffy wuv hooman! *sniff*."  *hate dummy *sniff* hooman*

I can still hear you dipshit!  Hate "dummy hooman" huh?  Your problem is more than the smell, fluffies aren't deaf and they hear those insults under your breath.  If you'd stop being such a jerk, maybe one of the herd would have taken pity on you.

" *SNIFF* Huggie sowwy, pwease hewp, fuwffy *sniff * sikkies an' need med'sin." *meanie....*

Just can't stop it can you?  Can't stop thinking you're smarter than everyone else and getting the last word in.  NO help for bad, BAD fluffies.  You can sit there and dehydrate for all I care, asshole.  Be a stallion for once in your useless life and say what you mean.

" *mutter*...Huggie... *sniff* hate hooman, dummy meanie sme- *sniff* smewwy hooman.  Wan yu dai..."

Right back at ya, jackass.  I hate you too.


Well it's 4:34 pm, subject number seven really is starting to dehydrate.  He can't get fluids in fast enough to replace all the crying, snot, urinating and now constant anal leakage.  Huggie developed a dry, hacking cough less than an hour ago and a little blood comes up every time, possible respiratory system affliction?

" *Cough, cough, sniff*  Hewp pwe- *sniff*, sowwy, fwu- *cough cough* sowwy!"

I'd say it's official, he's had some sort of allergic reaction to the Fluffy Febreze, probably via inhalation.  An autopsy of his corpse will tell Proctor & Gamble more than I ever could.

"Hewp *cough* sikki- *cough* sikkies, gif med'sin fo' fw- *sniff* fwuffy."

He'd have died by now if I wern't constantly refilling the water bottle, those newspapers in his makeshift pen are absolutely soaked with a variety of bodily fluids.

" *SNIFF* Nice hoo- *cough* hooman hewp pw- *cough*."

He's got another hour or two before all this fluid loss and coughing weakens him so much he can't even drink.  That'll be the end.

"Pwease, smewl *hack* pwetty, pwea *sniff* pwease speciawl hugs!"

Not a mare alive would even pity fuck you in the condition you're in.

Meanie ho *wretch* *cough* hooman wie, mawes wuv *sniff* Huggie."

Back when you weren't sick they refused to touch you, right?  Now that you're disgusting(er) and covered in snot you'll get love and special hugs?

"Mawes *cough* wuv... wuv... wu- hu.... hu hu hu *sniff*.  Nu... wuv Huggie *cough* hu hu hu..."

But... if we're quick I may still find a use for you!  The fluff wash is all fixed up and raring to go, let's make you a pretty corpse huh?

"Nu! *cough* Wan speciawl hugs! *sniff*."

Never gonna happen, understand you nasty little prick?  You're gonna die without ever having special hugs once.

"Nuuuu, *sniff* hu hu hu hu hu...."

Lets see... Rand formula N30-889Z shampoo loaded, water lines connected... we're good to go!  Come here huggie, time for a washing.

"Nuu Hu *cough cough cough* huggie sowwy!  *sniff* Nu wan' huwties *sniff*, wuv *cough* hooman fwiend."

No you don't you lying sack of shit.  Ya know, up 'till now I've actually felt bad about the accidental deaths this little venture has caused.  Cinder was a good fluffy.  Streak was a good fluffy.  Even Sunshine, fucking SUNSHINE I could live with but you?  You're a nasty, passive aggressive, egotistical, arrogant little shit stain and I'll be glad when you're dead.

"Nuuu!  Nu dai! *cough cough* Nu dai pwease! *sniff* Fwuffy am gud fw- *cough* good fwuffy! PWEASE *COUGH* NU DAI! *HACK*."

Huggie is in place and ready for his wash, unsurprisingly he still put up a fight despite being a sopping, sticky mass.

"Nu wan', pw- *cough* pwease nu-"

Here we go, a full cycle wash to really work the crap and tangles out of your fucked up fluff.

"NUUU wawa! Wa *HACK* wa bad fo' *sniff* *cough*."

Subject is freaking out just like every other damn fluffy I've put through this, real shocker there, it's been my primary problem!  Maybe... hmmmmm...maybe if I make some sort of... instructional video for them to watch ahead of time... or even during their wash!  Yeah that's not a bad idea;  a pretty fluffy constantly telling them not to be scared, that her fluff is so nice and perfect because the good
humans put her into the same Fluff Wash they're in!

"Nu *cough* pwe- *sniff* "

That'll jack the price up a bit... I need some cheap old lcd tv's, maybe 256 megs of memory for the video and a cheap ass processor to drive it.  Used computer parts aren't hard to come by and the equipment doesn't HAVE to be identical, just the casing I put it in.  It's either that or some sort of veterinary tranquilizers if I can get a supplier lined up, also a line worth following... hmmm...

"Wawa ba- *COUGH* nuuuu!  NuuuUUUUUUOWWIEEEEE!!!

Huh?  What the he- HOLY SHIT!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!  OWWWWWWIEEEEE NUUUUHHNNNN!!!"

Jesus fucking Christ!  Off! Turn off Goddamit!

"OWWWWW BIG OWWIEEE NU WA- *RETCH* *COUGH* UHHHHHHH *blearg*."

How the fuck did you manage that?  Sub... ew man what a mess.  Subject has suffered massive skin and fluff loss on his rear half.  The tail is gone entirely, wrapped around one of the Fluff Wash's cleaning arms and a lot of the ripped skin with it.

"Nuuuuhhhhhhhh,  Owwwuhhhhhh.

Right, you.  Where's the fucking hammer?  The fuck did- oh here.

"Nu- da- *CRACK*

"Guhhh" *CRACK*

*Whew*  Good lord that scared the shit outta me.  I'd better get this body on ice, another for Proctor & Gamble.  Oh, the time is 4:40.  Subject died by blunt force trauma to the temple, I guess it was better than letting him bleed out or drown in his own fluids.  But how the hell did he manage that?


Well I've gone back and watched the video. Huggie, in his fear of water had turned his body as far to the right as he could, trying to get away.  It was JUST enough to let that long, scuzzy tail of his get snagged in one of the washing arms which proceeded to tear his tail off along with much of the surrounding skin and connective tissues.  Due to the excessive matting of his fluff, over half of it got ripped off right the fuck along with the tail.  Either his tail took the skin with it or the fluff did.  Not that it matters in the end, you get the same God damn result.  In two seconds subject Huggies rear half was nothing but exposed muscles and nerve endings.  Oh and he shit himself too.

Whatever reaction he had breathing in Fluffy Febreze formulation 6-31D made Huggie expel fluids every way his body could manage.  Disgusting, and highly effective in killing a fluffy who isn't literally right beside a source of clean water.  I'll mention that to them, I know Hasbro is buying ideas for fluffy extermination under the table.  Anyway, it's all over, Huggie is packed up and in my freezer right now, whats left of him anyway.  I'll include a vague note for why so much of his lower flesh is gone.  What they'll really want is his respiratory system.

Ya know... I made those washing arms myself.  Quarter inch stainless steel, custom plastic lining, even machined them with a friends CNC mill.  About a half inch from where the shampoo fingers connect to arm 2 there was a burr.  A tiny little burr of metal less than one sixteenth of an inch long, a very minor oversight.  Yet Huggie, the fucking fuffy of the hour, managed to find that miniscule burr and get a few strands of fluff caught in it.  That's how the whole thing started you know!  One damn near microscopic, insignificant burr and NATURALLY he finds it.  A one in a MOTHERFUCKING MILLION CHANCE and my good friend HUGGIE fucking delivers, yes he does!  I fucking hate these things, Streak!  I know you're one of those things but you're lobotomized so its ok!  They fuck up everything, EVERYTHING they touch.  This was supposed to be a slam dunk!  A quick little side project for shits and giggles, maybe worth a buck or two down the line but NO!  Fucking fluffies are involved and that means goodbye probability!  Goodbye sanity!  Who needs it, right?  You're getting along just fine without it, aren't you?  I swear to God you're the only hairball that's worth anything in this entire world...

Know what?  I've been thinking about it and I'm really curious about what happened to Huggie, like, real curious.  Was it an allergic reaction or will every fluffy dry up and die like he was gonna?  Wanna try the herd?  Yeah, good call, lets try the herd.

Good afternoon ladi-

"Head, nao!"

"Yea!  Dummy hooman no wike, make meanie cwy!"

"Whea Thunthine?"

"Hooman go to big wawa an' dwown!"

So.  So. So. So.... We've come to this.  Do you stupid, stupid, STUPID little fuckwits think mooning me will do a God damn thing?

"Head hafe muntha, sthow hoothan poopeth pthases!"

Aw Rain, for me?  I'm touched.  So touched in fact, I got a little gift for the bunch of you.

"Wha?  Head nu wath giff f-"

*sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst, sssst*

"Wha dis?  *achuu*!  Nosey tingwy."

"Hee hee, nosey twickly! Hee hee hee!"

"Wha smewl?  Pwetty!"

"Head nu smeth-"

*sssst, sssst, sssst*

" *Cough cough cough*, nuuu wi-"

*sssst, sssst, sssst*

" *Cough cough* *WRETCH*  Nu thike!  Hoothan sthop!"

Just a little extra for you Rain, and I still expect a please when you get your medicine later.

"Whane hafe meth'in!"

I know, that's what makes it funny.  I'll be back in a few hours to see how you guys held up.  Remember to breathe deeply and enjoy the smell.

"Whea Thunthine?"

With her new family she loves more than she ever loved you.

"Hath Hoothan.. owie"

Hate you too, bitch. *click*