"Are you afraid of dying ?"

"Are you afraid of dying ?"

The Culexus spoke in unerring vox. More serious, yet gentler than I had ever heard her speak up to that point. The 'biker suit' she was wore, the Animus Speculum without doubt made her look intimidating to most.. but in my eyes it just often comes off as surreal.

That was the first question Miss Malal ever directly asked me in private. From that point onward, I had to learn that she had a penchant for asking me some of the most difficult topics to talk about.

It was a slightly different question than what I was expecting.
-Aren't you afraid of dying ?-
I had been asked variations of that question over the past few months prior, so I had expected Miss Malal to kick off this unofficial consulting session with the same. Not that I thought that it couldn't have been any other question, simply just not.. this.
It was a question with such an obvious answer, that it should not have had much weight by itself under normal circumstances.
It was the sort of question one would likely to simply accept as a 'joke'.


"How can I not be."

I didn't bother to elaborate on that answer. I'm here because I desperately clung to life. I am a magical girl because I did not want to die on the terms desired by others.


"Your mission records and your peers seem to think otherwise. This isn't the kind of reputation you can easily get by accident, Ashford."


I knew all too well what they thought. She's fearless. Suicidal. Trying too hard.
I didn't want that kind of reputation, but I dislike discussing about it even more.
I didn't want to cower and appear smaller than I already am. I didn't want to be a burden that needed to be looked after.
Stupid pride unbefitting of a twelve-year-old child.


"If Sakura Kyouko didn't come back for you that time, the Venenum might not have had enough of you left to put together."

Normally, this is when I'd say something like 'I'm not so small that I'd get obliterated from something like that', and Kyouko
would burst out laughing and complain that her sides hurt while slapping hard me on the ba- actually, that's exactly what happened.

..and that's why I have to do this. I have to let Miss Malal help me. I want to be able to sincerely joke about that and not feel guilty.


"It's.."
I could feel my breath stopping and throat choking at the prospect finishing the sentence.
"..terrifying, Miss Malal. So terrifying that I cannot do anything but to charge at it."

That was all there was to it. Death had came to look for me so many times that no matter how I train or arm myself.. I feel compelled to find reasons to throw myself at it and prove it won't have me. I have all the reason to prove myself to so many people, but there was nobody I needed so much to prove myself to more than Death itself.

...there was a strange feeling of irony in telling all this to someone wearing the depiction of a skull as a face.

"Whatever others thought up to justify the things I do.. 'Calculated risks', 'Taking one for the team'... in the end were all simply excuses I nodded to." I felt the my side of my lips curl into a half-hearted smirk, ridiculing my own deceit and weakness. "A pretense I needed to keep repeating it over and over.."


"Until you feel strong enough ? Until you're satisfied ?"


I have no answer to that. It felt like the more I try to fight it, the more my own weakness shows. I perpetuate this cycle over and over in a fruitless attempt to rectify it.


"You're forcing yourself too hard, Ashford. You're going too fast, too recklessly."


I can hear Miss Malal sigh at my helplessness. To her, it must have sounded like an incredibly simple problem that I had only made difficult for myself. After all, a predicament that seems like an insurmountable wall to the struggling person may very well be nothing but a minor hurdle to an outside observer looking at it from a different angle.


"At this rate you're just going let fear cloud your eyes and thrill numb your senses. I've seen too many Eversors fall to that."


Even so. I couldn't help it. I chose this road.


"Then, let me say this; trying to emulate Charl or Kirika won't be getting you anywhere."

Even if you're the one saying that..

"No matter what Kirika thought she saw in you, I know you don't share her bloodlust."

I can work around that..

"No matter how much you want to be like Charl, you don't share any of her physical capacity."

That's why I have to work at it harder than anyone else !

"None of that will matter if you self-destruct before ever reaching there, Ashford."


The table between us shook as Malal's gloved fist lands, leaving a void of silence in its wake. A silence that could have very well been forever, as all of my senses were consumed by a flood of emotions and words that I desperately held back.

I glare at the skull-painted helmet in front of me. From one of its eye-sockets, a golden glint stared back at me.

It felt like everything I've desperately worked for since I joined the Eversor ranks was denied. Crushed by nothing but simple truth. My ability to stay composed and counter my opponents precisely was the only edge I had over anyone. If I can't even maintain that here, what do I have left ?

It was pathetic.

Sayaka's relentless fury. Kyouko's bold unpredictability. My unflappable precision. By repeatedly clashing our strengths against each other, we would sharpen ourselves to be the best.

That was what Victoria said.
That was what I believed.

..but reality was different.
Sayaka's sword grew faster and heavier. I don't have the strength to counter her every strike anymore.
Kyouko's moves grew more erratic, yet more fluid. I don't have the stamina to keep up with her long enough to strike back.

--Ah

I guess that was it after all. I desperately didn't want to be left behind.
I again grew conscious of Death waiting behind me because I felt small and alone.

That was my limit as an Eversor.
..no, it was simply that the hurdle was that much higher for me as an Eversor.
I'm overextending myself trying to forcefully break through it while putting others in danger.

..I don't want to drag anyone down into my stupid cycle.


"Then-" I paused to take a deep breath, trying to stop my voice from breaking.
"-what should I do, Miss Malal ?"


It was then that I heard something in her breath. Something that I shouldn't be able to hear from the vox as she pulled something out from beside her and planted it on the table with a loud thud. In that moment, countless things rushed through the back of my mind, blurring into a transient, unrecognizable mess. As if everything had just fallen into place, but fell apart as they slipped through my grasp.

..deja vu ?

I examined the object across the table. It was a mass of burnt metal and blackened chrome vaguely resembling a handgun. One so large that the length of the entire thing was greater than the height of my head. I can just barely make out yellow and blue lines decorating the body among the exposed electronics.

But, it wasn't the size, condition or the details of the object that really caught my attention..


"I'm sure you can sense it. This is something that falls right into your domain, right ?"


This object didn't belong here. This thing could easily slide off the table and completely vanish from this world at any given time and I would not find it strange. No, let me correct myself, this object didn't -just- not belong here.. it was something that perhaps possessed the capacity to transcend worlds itself. An object lost in a sea of universes, waiting for the next large wave to carry it away. A wave perhaps called Fate itself.


"This used to belong to a friend of mine. She had a particular talent for pulling out weird things and honestly, I'm not too sure where she even grabbed this one from.. but now, it's yours." With a flick of her wrist, Miss Malal sent the oversized gun sliding over to my side.

A strange, familiar feeling of melancholy washed over me as I ran my fingers over the damaged weapon. A faint residue of magic. The image of a blue sky. The sensation of falling rain. The sound of flowing water. It washed away all my needless thoughts and dyed what was left with an emotion carved into it from long, long ago. A deep regret.


"I assume you are ordering me to transfer over to the Vindicares in exchange for this, Miss Malal ?"

"It's a suggestion."
Miss Malal chuckled.
"Just keep the thing, Ashford. I don't have any other plans for it. I can't fix it alone, and I don't really trust anyone else to fix it either. Let's keep this between us."


Looking back at it, the entire thing was undoubtedly more than a little suspicious.. but I came to learn the reasons eventually.

With Miss Malal and Victoria's recommendation, I was turned over to Tomoe Mami.
As a Vindicare, I was able to obtain the perspective I needed to grow. Skills to complement my weakness. New ways to make use of my strengths.

Although I couldn't walk down the same path as Sakura Kyouko or Miki Sayaka, I can proudly stand next to them.
Although I couldn't be the second Charlemagne Victoria Sasz or the golden-eyed monster Kure Kirika once saw, I can aim to become something greater.

Perhaps I was better off accepting to be a Vindicare since the beginning instead of chasing after the strength I saw in Victoria's silhouette.. but I don't regret the path I walked down as an Eversor. There was meaning in my fervor.
The distinction doesn't matter to me now. Strength is strength.

That was how Rea Ashford came to walk down the path of a Vindicare.