Start with the weather because mate it is hot. Empty stubbies clutter the table and a thin layer of dust and tobacco is shifting this and that way under the slow turn of the patio fan. The air is heavy with heat and breathing is a chore, I'm getting restless, it's into the evening now and I feel like I'm seeing through cataracts or something sitting under this flourescent light straining to glow.
- Youse need some more light out here
- It's not too bad
- Don't yas get fucking depressed?
They don't because they don't get bothered by that shit. Just sip beers mate. We're taking our time, we're in phase one, it's only Fridee just let us sit quietly out here on our phones first. But I'm having hard time relaxing, these boys are good value but they're not my inner circle. There's no update on my phone. I came here a little early I took these lads for a bunch of animals but it looks to be the same whoever you're with.
- Thanks mate
I can't open it without putting my shirt over the bottle cap, everyone else can. I love a beer. See myself going to the GP and he'd give me some form, a tick and flick list. Do you drink every weekend? Yes. Do you drink to get drunk? Yes. Do you drink to deliberately alter your mood? Yes. I'm face to face with a substance abuse problem I suppose but it doesn't feel like a big deal.
- Fuck this heat
- Where's the fuckin rains at?
- The rains mate?
- Yeah bud the rains
It's a familiar feeling, like a kid whose got a tantrum in his chest waiting to be unleashed, his mind racing a mile a minute thinking what have I got to lose at this point? I take another heavy breathe and try not to focus on the small of my back aching against the timber chair, pull my legs in and shift, try both elbows and of course it's summer time so I can almost smell my fucking crotch too, just push the chair back a bit. Grains of sand blown in from this entire town and now under the soles of my thongs scraping the concrete floor. Fuck this heat, come on mate just sip beers - don't have to tell me twice. I scroll through me phone for a bit, nothing interesting, open Snapchat and there's a picture from Hannah that I'm not opening, it'll just be her living life to the fullest now that I'm out of the picture, check Tinder and pretty much it's a Yes from me, a Yes, Yes, Yes, No, Yes... Yes and there's no one new around you. Everyone's doing the same thing.
- Cowboys on tonight?
Another beer, finish em' quickly as usual it's Fridee mate. Got a message the boys are headed over things should be getting under way soon. The fan's ricketing, I just listen to it for awhile. He's telling some story and I'm listening but it's being lost amongst the chatter, it didn't make the cut and no you may not have the platform, he's still telling it, nothing worse than bowing out pretending like no one noticed. I've got nothing better to do, I make eye contact and he settles for my attention, I wait for my cue and laugh politely, say something like True? what a conselation prize. There's music playing someone must have turned it on a while ago, Soho, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's better, some stimuli. Someone yanks open the screen door at the front, rubber sweeps over the tiles and the stopper slowly compresses.
- Oi!
- Wahey!
- G'day
- What up boys
- Howyagan?
- Grab a beer mate
- Chbinupta?
- Bring some of those stools out mate
- I'll have one of those
They toss their bottle caps on the table I like that sound. These are me lads, air seems cooler now and the light's got a decent thrum maybe it just needed time to get going like us. He's into the gym these days and he's got his shirt off already. Shakes me hand just about every time I see him he's a good bloke.
- How are ya mate?
- Fuckin' Fridee isn't it?
- Haw buddy
- Cheers mate
- Big one this weekend?
- Fuck oath mate
- Beauty I need it after this week
- Long one?
- Every step of the way
We hit phase two. We all laugh like our Dads used to and he bangs a flat hand on the table for good measure, the glass shakes.
- Fuckin' classic
He's telling a story about the work week, about this useless cunt.
- This fucking useless cunt. He's the storeman but he's only got the job because he's married to the boss' daughter. He's supposed to do stock runs so if we need some shit we'll put it on the list and he's 'sposed go and get it. He walks around the joint and stops in everywhere telling us to think of shit we might need cause he doesn't wanna do more than two trips. That's what he's fuckin' there for, I say you'll do as many trips as we fucking need you to do.
There's more to it but more of the same. There's a workplace flow you see and he's an unhelpful ebb. Everyone's got a story about a useless cunt. Useless cunts everywhere, in all walks of life, how do they get there they're fucking useless? Do they tell  the same stories to their mates? Do they know they're useless cunts? Sometimes I think I might be a useless cunt so just to be safe I don't tell stories about 'em.
*
Just briefly before the transition, we get fucked up, just purposely we just do it.
*
I'm feeling real good now or is numb the better word? He likes sports cars, gone through three in two years, this one's a Volkswagen. He likes to modify them but that just means adding an obnoxious exhaust to the thing. I'm in the back seat one step behind reality, out of touch, the car rolls on and I'm just keeping up with my body, I might float away. They're both in the front carrying on about something, I can't hear a thing back here save for the drone of the engine. I start to wonder about silence, it's a default, does sound come out of it or does sound displace it? If I can only hear the exhaust what's the difference? I lay my head back and fall asleep, when it's quiet again I wake up.
- Don't tell me you're down for the count mate
- Nah mate just a quick recharge
Lucky I brought jeans I knew we'd end up here. Straight to the old faithful, fifteen bucks entry, take out sixty, tell meself that's that, get some rumbos, shout a few, loose change goes into the pool table and I'll just get out another sixty. That's my prediction and we'll skip to the part where it comes true. I'm dancing, I can't dance I don't even like dancing but it's what you do, am I supposed to just engage some female in all earnesty? Lay my cards on the table, g'day I'm Jack pleased to meet you, tell me a bit about yourself. Fuck that I'll just gyrate and hope that someone in or above my league takes a liking to whatever it is I'm doing. They don't. There it is again, I'm out of touch, these aren't people they're just mechanised flesh, I can't hear a thing, something's seized my perspective and I'm free falling through this town until I come to a stop and there's Me! You! I! I make my way to the front door and I lean against the wall, what's the difference between it and me? The world unfolds and it's all still here, it existed this whole time, where's the garden bed? I need the garden bed. I sit down and take a breathe, at this point I've cut my losses and I'm just going to watch the night, a painted bit of scenery on a pulley system that operates for my benefit. Who's next to me? He's holding something between his forefinger and thumb. Tobacco and a bit of weed crammed into some apparatus held together by the sheer will or quantity of some cunt's saliva.
- Wanna hit this?
I do. I recall something someone said about beer and grass and their correct order. I smoke knowing what's coming. In two hours I'm painting this town, take that cunts clean my spew. I forgot to mention it's Halloween. I see a slutty nurse walk by and a slutty teacher and two cheerleaders and there's a fat girl in a dinosaur costume and a slutty witch and there's Hannah she's a slutty girl scout but none of them see me, I'm not real. I fall back into the garden and lay there out of sight. They'll find me in the morning, those old ladies who volunteer to stay back and look after the strays, they'll be world weary, they've seen a thing or two, they'll look at me and know that everything will be fine, they'll say You'll get there mate. Or it might be a couple of tourists, two American girls, they'll be along any second to pick me up and help me home, give me some water, the blonde one, she sees the truth of the matter, she sees the real me, we fall in love.
- Y'right there mate?
Or more reliably one of me mates.
- Yeah mate
- Ready for a cab?
- Can ya bring it here?
- Up ya get
- Thanks mate
- You're right mate
I get the front seat. The cabby's from India, it makes him seem safe for some reason. I tell him a whole bunch of shit. I fall asleep and he wakes me up, says We're here.
- Just pay pass mate. Nah all good mate. Righto thanks have a good night.
I don't remember hitting phase three, I won't remember this tomorrow, this is auto-pilot, this is scheduled maintenance. Open the fridge and get the jug, he walks past me and collapses onto the couch, tilt the jug to a 75 degree angle, open the throat, little men are inside me wearing high-vis vests, they operate the controls, wait for the green light, systems-are-a-go boys, I drain the jug and exhale. I grab him some sheets and cushions it's all makeshift, Welcome to crash in my bed mate but Nah it's fine don't worry thanks mate. 2am, it's Satdee now. Mondee looms already, of course there's always Sundee but that's down time, that's a process, pull apart the self, do nothing, wonder why and go to bed early. Will I masturbate? No I'm sufficiently sedated I think. I close my eyes and I stop existing.