Real Anon in Equestria - It's small. For you.

>You're stuck on Equestria
>Too many ponies, too many fucking head-splitting colors
>Why can't this place be dark like your room?
>Your sweet, small, comfy room in your parents' attic
>There's not even an internet cafe to play World of Warcraft or League of Legends on
>Why would any sane creature settle here?!
>...
>The fucking ponies are singing again
>You just want to sleep, but they always have to start singing so early in the afternoon
>This time it is about "Anon, we love you, so don't be such a sour puss"
>A little yellow one with red poofy hair tried to hug you
>You kicked that little hick right in the face
>She is almost as annoying as your dog
>..Though, like your dog, she has a pussy
>Hmmmm..
>...
>Why is this prison system so happy go lucky?!
>Where are all the niggers and rapists?! Did /pol/ fucking lie about this too?
>Disgusting creatures try to share their pudding cups with you or try to invite you into their "support groups"
>You don't need any support group! Don't they know that support groups are for emotionally weak individuals who don't even understand the most basic of logic
>They probably also believe in god
>What plebeians!
>You swear, once you find where they hid your fedora, you are going to manipulate these simple minded fools
>All you have to do is romance one of the female guards and trick her into letting you go
>Women are so stupid and easily predictable; all you have to do is be suave and cool like one of those disgusting normalfag Chads
>In this world, you are practically an exotic race
>You'll just turn on your foreign otherworldly charm and..
"H-Hey.. You're a guard, right?"
>"Ummm.. Yes."
"T-That's pretty cool.."
>"I guess?"
".."
>".."
"I gotta go.."
>"Wait! Are you alright?! Was somepony bullying you into acting so weird? I can help! Wai.."
>Stupid stereotypical bitch! You knew this world's women were no better than your world's!
>Should have acted like a jerk! Nice guys, like you, always finish last in their eyes!
>...
>Plan B time
>Like the genius you are, though you are more life smart than academics smart, because those idiotic teachers never understood how wise you really were and the school system is rigged for a certain type of learning style, that is why you got D's and C's.. and that one teacher's negligence and lack of care for your education is the reason you failed that one class, except that one time when you were in Junior High, but that doesn't count because you never tried back then, and..
>...
>So as you were thinking, all you have to do is vault across the barbed wire fence, flip into the moat water below, outswim the sharks, and make a run for it before any of those ponies even know what hit them
>You saw this in a cartoon once; it didn't look that hard
>All you had to do was use this bamboo you found from the gardens
>Get a running start
>Stick it into the ground
>And then..
>JUMP!!!
>...
>"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of one of the brightest stars of our prison."
>"AH MISS HIM ALREADY!"
>"Sure he may have been a little uncanny, but he never failed to make us laugh and to help us in our times of need.."
>"Poor guy.."
>"Did you hear? Apparently he had a heart attack from overexercising."
>"If only he lifted with me when I invited him. I woulda taught him how to pace."
>"Yes. We all miss him. But let him live in our hearts with the way he has touched our lives for the better. Such as when Golden Locks lost her key and Anonymous so selflessly informed her to not be so forgetful next time."
>"I never forgot any items at home again thanks to him."
>"Or when he saved our very own prison guard, Beautiful Mammies, by being the first to react when she was choking, using his hands to push down on her teats hard enough to cause her to cough out that which could have killed her."
>"He must have been psychic, because he started rubbing down there before I even started eating."
>"Celestia bless this kind hyooman. May he find peace and joy in the afterlife. Awomen!"
>"Awomen!"
>...
>GOD! THE AFTERLIFE SUCKS!
>All there is here are more ponies, including one bearded asshole that keeps trying to order you around
>"Thou shalt not defile those who were blessed to receive entrance into Heaven, Anonymous. Halt your actions immediately or suffer my wrath!"
"Who do you think you are? You can't tell me what to do! It's my right of free speech and expression!"
>"I am the lord almighty, creator of all existence, God! This shall be your last warning, mortal; exist peacefully or be punished!"
>God?!
"God doesn't exist! Fuck you! I'm an American and I do what I want!"
>You flip him off and run up to slap an old lady pony on the ass
>"OH MY!"
"Fuck you bitch! I'll do what I want! I'm dead, I don't give a fuck! Ahahaha!"
>...
>Stupid God
>Actually existing
>Sending you to Hell like a jerk
>He did it for no reason too!
>You swear, if you had the internet right now you would DOX him so hard
>He would have shitty pizzas for days
>Then he would regret being such an attention whoring moralfag SJW idiot
>Oh well, Hell isn't too bad
>Except Lucifer; he is not as 'bro' as you would think he was
>He didn't even frown when you read him the saddest feels copypasta you could pull from memory
>Stupid normie, not understanding true genius level writing
>"Hey Anonymous, it's time for your evening spikeball up the ass."
"HABEEB HURR DURR!"
>"Come on you retard! Into the torture pit!"
>Ha! What an idiot
>Can't even tell that you are just pretending to be retarded
>...
>THUS ANONYMOUS WAS TORTURED FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY
>AND HE NEVER LEARNED A SINGLE THING; OTHER THAN HIS FONDNESS FOR LARGE THINGS UP HIS ASS

- THE END -